Because this day is all we have.
We are celebrating.
This morning.
We have this morning.
That’s it.
~ Rob Bell, How to Be Here
If there is one thing I learned when Bruce died, it was this simple truth – This moment is all we really have… Even the next moment is not guaranteed.
This was so true for us. That Friday was like any other one. We kissed good-by in the morning and went to our respective jobs. I picked up Chinese food on my way home from work, but since he was held up at work, I ate without him. When he finally got home, I skipped to the door and met him with a hug and kiss… (The best part of the day from my point of view.)
By that point, it was late. We were both tired, but that didn’t matter… We still sat together as he ate his dinner and talked about what we wanted to do for the weekend. It was January, but the weather was still warm. So, there we were trying to decide between the beach, the boat or the kayaks… Bruce, always so easy-going, just laughed and said, “Whatever you want… As long as we’re together and near the water is all I need.”
As we fell asleep laying in each other’s’ arms, I was busy worrying about “who knows what.” I will always remember that last kiss on the top of my head as he held me closer and said, “Stop worrying… Everything’s going to be okay… It always is.”
Just a few short hours later, I woke up. Still snuggled up against his warmth, I thought at first, he was snoring. Then, I thought he was having a bad dream… It took a few moments before I realized he was in trouble… and the nightmare began.
We went from laughter and snuggles to the somberness of death in a matter of a few short hours… How does that happen? I had never thought this would be our future. We were both healthy. (I thought.) We were both into fitness and eating right… I thought we would grow old together…. I never imagined anything else.
But, I learned quite quickly that life doesn’t come with any promises… It just isn’t that way… To put is simply – sometimes life just isn’t fair.
So, now I find myself fighting my own body… I am trying to stay positive, but I find myself struggling with the idea that my own body is trying to kill me…
This week as I was fighting the depression that wants to take up residence in my mind, I thought about the words above from Rob Bell. Hmmm… This morning… Do I want to really live it? Or am I going to sit and worry about what may (or may not) happen? I can’t control the second option… I can control the first.
“So,” I thought, “what would I love to do with this day? Where do I find the simple pleasures… The things that make me smile without any effort?”
At first, nothing came to mind. However, as I was getting showered and dressed, I realized something. It was a simple thing. One of those things most people might think wouldn’t even matter… But it matters to me…
I have a bottle of perfume that is my favorite. However, these days, it is almost impossible to find, so I rarely wear it. Instead, I tell myself I am “saving it.” … For what?? For a better day? For something important? That’s silly! So, I’m sure you can guess what I did… I wore the perfume! I decided if it runs out, and I can’t find more – so be it. I can’t enjoy it in the bottle, so I am going to enjoy it now.
… Just like this day! … And just like this moment!
Tomorrow isn’t promised, but this moment is… And if that is all I am promised, then I want to live this moment in such a way that makes me smile. Why? Because when my last moment comes (whether it is sooner or later), I want two things… I want to know I didn’t waste a moment… I lived each moment for what it is – sad, happy, whatever… savoring the different flavors that make up this life… And (when the time comes) for those I love to remember me living each moment as it is offered – genuine and full.
Everyone deals with loss and grief in their own way. For some of us, it is easy to become cautious and live life sitting on the sidelines – observing more than living. However, that was never me before Bruce died, and I don’t want it to be me now either. These are only my thoughts and reactions this week as I try to adapt to this whole cancer thing.
Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have struggled something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
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