Month: June 2019

Peace, Love and Grief… A Wedding… And He Was There

This weekend was a celebration… My youngest daughter got married! It was amazing to watch the her and her husband laugh and play throughout the entire day. It was a day which truly reflected each of them as individuals and who they are as a couple.

However, there were also some bittersweet moments, as well.

Years ago, when Bruce and I got married, it was the most wonderful day… It was a small, simple ceremony at the courthouse, with only a few family members present. In fact, because of timing and distance, my youngest daughter was the person from my family who was able to attend. I can’t say she was a willing, or enthusiastic, witness. (Now, we laugh about that.) However, in her defense, she had just been moved to a whole new state – away from her siblings – so her mother could marry a man she barely knew, while she was in the middle of high school.

The first few months were hard… She was very angry with Bruce and I. She didn’t want to be there… In fact, she didn’t want to be anywhere near either of us. However, the tide did turn (and it was sooner than I had expected). By the six-month mark, she was baking him cookies and referring to him as her “dad.”

Their relationship grew through the years as he filled a void in her life and became the loving father she didn’t have. Many nights I would come home to find him helping her with homework or giving hugs after a rough day. Many winter evenings were filled with the two of them having an indoor snowball fight (in winter) or a water war (in summer). He taught her how to snowboard and attended all of her concerts, dance competitions and theater productions. She relied on him for advice, such as which first apartment would be best or what next step to take in her life… And he was always there for her… Always.

Like many girls, she used to dream about what her wedding would be like when she got married. For example, she always wanted a beach wedding. As she got older, and their relationship got stronger, she would to tell Bruce that when she got married, she wanted him to walk her down the aisle. He would always get this huge grin on his face and tease her about wearing a bathing suit on the bottom and a tuxedo on the top. But in all honesty, he also talked about how much it meant to him… He was so honored that she would ask him to fill this spot on such an important day in her life.

But time was not on his side, and as you already know, he died before he could keep that promise.

So, as she began to plan this wedding, she had to make some different choices. She and her brother have always been close. In fact, he was the one to take her to her Father/Daughter dances when she was younger. So, she knew he was the one she wanted to walk her down the aisle.

However, she still wanted to include Bruce. Also, the groom has lost his father and brother in recent years and wanted to include them, as well. So, they placed a memorial table prominently in the reception hall with all of their pictures and a sign that read, “Forever in our hearts.” It was a beautiful way to include them on such a special day.

That seems like it would be the end of the story, but it really isn’t…

You see, throughout the years since Bruce died, pelicans have come to symbolize Bruce’s presence for me. Knowing they are considered a symbol of great love and sacrifice, every time I see them, I think of him… and I smile. In fact, each year on our anniversary, when I go out to the beach to toast the day with him, it never fails – there is always a flock of pelicans flying by with the exact number to match the year. (For example, there were ten pelicans on our tenth anniversary.)

Well, this celebration was no different… Each time she was out at the beach making preparations, a pelican flew by as if to say, “Yes, I am here.” Then on Friday, as she and her new husband were walking back down the aisle, she looked up and there it was… One lone pelican flying by… In her heart and in mine, that was a sign from Bruce… A sign that he really was there… And he wouldn’t have missed it for the world!

What about you? Have you ever felt the presence of your loved one? Is there a certain animal or thing that when you see it, you just know they are there with you? I know this journey can be hard, but I also believe there are blessings along the way, if we are open to seeing them. I also believe we are in this together and would love to hear your stories. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Back to That Ring Question

The ring… What to do about the ring?

That has been one of the quandaries for me since Bruce passed… but not his ring – mine. When Bruce died, I was handed the only jewelry he ever wore (and never took off) – his wedding band and a silver anchor necklace. Immediately, I slipped his wedding band onto the chain and placed it around my neck. I wore it there for years. In fact, I still wear it, but with all the surgery and radiation last year, I started tucking it into my clothes… as close to my heart as I can get it.

As for my wedding band, I didn’t even think about it for almost a year. It may sound strange, but I still felt married. (Honestly, there are a lot of times I have to remind myself that I am a widow… which technically means I’m not married, I guess.) That has been an on and off struggle for me as a widow…

For the longest time, it didn’t occur to me to “do” anything with my ring. However, over time I began to notice that different widows did different things in regard to their wedding bands. Some took it off immediately. Others moved it to their right hand, wore it on a chain around their neck or had it made into a different piece of jewelry. However, others just continued wearing it… I continued wearing mine… It just felt right at the time.

There are so many beautiful memories behind my ring. Every day, I would look at it and remember how much I had been loved, and how much I had loved him. It was a material representation of what we had… I couldn’t let go… I just couldn’t.

After the first year, I began to realize that while the ring brought me comfort, it also created some awkward conversations. Inevitably, someone would notice the ring and ask about my husband. I would answer that my husband had passed away and the conversation immediately became awkward. Caught off guard, people didn’t know how to respond, but I didn’t know how to answer any different. Finally, I came to the conclusion that, I should think about doing something different.

Doing what I usually do, I started with some research. Immediately, I found that there is no such thing as “widow’s ring etiquette.” There is no etiquette on what to do and when to do it. The bottom line is each person does what feels right for them… and what feels right at one point may change over time.

For a while, I tried placing my setting on Bruce’s chain with his ring, and wore them both around my neck… But my finger felt so empty! It was too weird! I decided to see if I could find a ring to wear on that same finger but would represent the changes in my life. I didn’t have anything in particular in mind. In my gut, though, I knew when I saw the right ring, I would know.

A few months into my search, I found what I felt was the perfect ring while in Mexico. It was a beautiful blue/violet tanzanite stone surrounded by a triangle of tiny diamonds. The stone was the color of the ocean where we met and spent so much time sailing, as well as the sky we dreamed under. The triangle symbolized strength, hope, spirituality, past/ present/ future and both the masculine and feminine (depending on the direction it points).

I loved it! It felt so perfect! I called it my “life ring.” It seemed to be a perfect representation of my life before Bruce and I met, our life together, and my future – whatever that might be.

I thought that would be it… For me, the ring question was finally answered… but things change.

Last year, when I was diagnosed with cancer, I was terrified! The idea of doing everything I needed to do without Bruce just seemed impossible. I didn’t think I had the strength to do it. I needed him by my side…

Then, one night as I removed the chain from around my neck, my ring caught my eye. It is the most beautiful piece of jewelry I have ever owned. However, more than that… Whenever I look at it, all I can think about it how much that man loved me, and how much I loved him. That ring was a symbol of us… side by side… for better or for worse… in sickness or in health…

In that moment, I made the decision… I put it back on.

All through my treatments, whenever I felt alone or afraid, I would look at that ring and know that Bruce was with me… I wasn’t alone. It probably sounds silly, but that ring (and everything it represented) gave me so much courage and strength. I would swear to you, it had as much to do with my healing and determination to live as any of the treatments I undertook.

So here I am… The cancer is gone, and I am on a healthy path, but the ring is still right here on my finger. It’s funny… I have come a long way in my grief. I am learning to “stand tall” a lot more than I cry. I am laughing and enjoying life again. I am feeling adventurous and stepping out in new directions. Yet, this ring remains on my finger. Honestly, I don’t know if I will take it off again or not… and I’m not really worried about it.

Why? Because it makes me smile… And when life offers you something that makes you smile; you should just enjoy it!

What about you? Have you ever found yourself in a quandary over the ring… Trying to decide on the best way to move forward and still not forget the past? This journey can be hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Things You Taught Me, Part 3

I sat weeping
Big, fat tears,
Heaving sobs…
How could you love me?
… me?

I spent years being told how horrible I was…
So undeserving,
So unlovable.
I have spent a lifetime
Feeling like someone else’s garbage.

I needed you to understand
Why you shouldn’t love me,
But you only held me tighter
As the tears and sobs flowed from my soul.

When my tears began to slow,
You looked me in the eye
And smiled…

STOP!
You don’t understand.

I took a piece of paper.
I crumpled it in a ball
And spread it out again.
Then, I crumpled it again,
And smoothed it out again.
I did this several more times
As you watched in silence…

I tried to smooth it out one final time,
“This is me…
This is what you think you love.”

With a question in your eye,
You replied,
“This is how you see yourself?”
In my shame, I nodded.
“Is there any good in you,” you asked.
I shrugged…

You took a clean piece of paper
And placed it over the wrinkled page.
“This much good?”
I shook my head…
You didn’t understand.

I took the clean page,
And tore off a small corner;
I placed that in the center of the wrinkled page.
“Maybe this much,” I said
As the tears started to fall once again.

You looked at the paper.
You took a breath…
I waited…
Expecting,
But not wanting to hear,
I was right…

Instead,
You wiped my tears.
“You only see the wrinkles –
The mess left from has passed.
But when I look at you,
I only see this part.”
And you gently touched the smooth corner
Sitting in the middle of so many wrinkles…

In that moment,
My heart was made whole,
Because now,
I understood love…
True, unconditional love…
Love that I never knew existed.

This is love! This is how Bruce taught me about love. This is when I first began to understand that I could (and should) have this same expectation of God’s love for me. When I think about all the ways Bruce and I expressed our love for each other, I know this is what I can expect in my relationship with God.

I can remember running to the car or the door when he came home in the evening, because I was so excited to see him. He would always laugh as he drew me into his arms and kissed me. I remember being content to simply sit together – no TV, no talking – just sitting and holding hands for an hour or more… So much love passing back and forth in a simple touch. I remember the safe, secure feeling when I laid in his arms. I remember how strong and powerful he was. Yet, he was always so gentle – so careful to never cause me harm.

He never felt threatened by my questions or my independence, and never demanded his own authority. Ours was a relationship of love, trust and balance… It is what I want in my relationship with God.

Bruce taught me so much about how God loves me and how to love him. God does not relate to me through my “wrinkles,” (aka my“sin”). He is not interested in that at all! Instead, love is his primary characteristic… Which means he doesn’t love me in spite of myself… He loves me because of myself… He loves the very person I am. Of course, he would! (He made me.) If God really is a God of love, then how could his love for me be anything less than Bruce’s love for me?

I remember when you died, Babe, you said you would be by my side for as long as I needed you… I don’t know when that will be… It is hard to admit (because I still love you so much), but I feel I am getting closer and closer to that point.

I love you, Babe… Now and forever!

~ Linda, Journal Entry May 2019

The healing in my life and in my heart over the past few months has been uncanny. I know this journey isn’t over… There will always be more to learn and more hurdles to jump. However, knowing that I am loved… Knowing that this is where Bruce has led me, brings me great peace.

It’s funny how those we love can still direct us even after they are gone. I have been following and exploring Bruce’s legacy for years. To this day, I am still unraveling and learning, and he is still influencing my life.

What about you? Have you ever found yourself reading their books, listening to their music or the things that influenced their lives? What have you learned? This journey can be so very hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Things You Taught Me, Part 2

As I mentioned last week, I went on a spiritual retreat a couple of weeks ago on the coast of Georgia. That week of quiet and deep self-reflection was such a blessing… I think the last time I felt so much healing in my soul was when Bruce was here… When he was such a vibrant part of my life… As I stated, I hope you will continue to humor me as I share a little bit more of what I experienced there and the impact it has had on my grief for Bruce and my on-going journey…

To give you a little bit of background, while I was baptized in the Methodist church as an infant, I actually spent my childhood and teen years in the Southern Baptist church and most of my adult life as a Roman Catholic. My experience in both was mostly one of religious rules and exclusivity… a “believe or burn” mentality. My experience was one of fear and distrust, but I didn’t know there was anything else out there. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but I thought I was doing okay… That is until Bruce died.

Then, I found I had a religion that couldn’t stand up to my questions… My world fell apart… How could a God who loved me, give this wonderful gift of a man and then just as quickly take it away? Why?

I wasn’t equipped with any real answers to that question, and so I become angry… very angry. My orderly world no longer made sense… The “Sunday School” answers weren’t enough… And I struggled. However, on this end of the story, I can tell you, that is a good thing, because I was forced to look at my faith and determine what I really believed, versus what I had been told to believe. It took me a long time, but day by day, I reassembled my faith from the ground up.

The funny thing is Bruce would never have told me what to believe or not believe. Instead, the way he chose to live his life and the legacy he left behind is really what helped me more than anything I had learned in my fifty years of religious practices. While Bruce’s death is probably the worst thing I have ever had to endure, it is also the thing that forced me down this path.

Last week I talked bout a dream I had early in this grief journey, in which Bruce told me that God is nothing like the God I had been taught to believe in all those years. God is so much more… But I still had so many unanswered questions…

Day 2 Reflections:
Hi Babe,

Wow! My mind is BLOWN! I swear it feels as if the speakers here have peered into my head and found all the crap… All the stuff that has been an obstacle with my faith… and now they say, “Nope, that really is crap… Let it go!” To take away the hierarchy of the trinity and temper all their qualities with love is what I have dreamed of… what I have needed… what you always lived… But I never knew how to articulate it.

When you died, I was so absolutely angry with God! Why didn’t he use his “power” to save you? Why did I have to be the one to fail at your CPR? What was the wisdom in that?

All my life I knew I had made mistakes, but I had asked for forgiveness – no! I had said I was sorry… I had never asked for forgiveness. I thought forgiveness had to come by proving how sorry I was. By proving I was worthy of it – by being devout enough… But I was told that God couldn’t love me or forgive me, because I didn’t understand “my place” … My lifestyle wasn’t “Christian enough.”

So, I learned to be quiet… Then, I stopped praying… Then, I stopped listening… Then, you died, Babe… And I was alone… all alone, and oh, so mad. There was nothing to love about God; nothing to trust. That is until you started me on my true spiritual journey, which has led me here… to this day and this class.

I feel so validated! I wanted to jump up in class this today and shout, “Did you hear this?! This is the good news! This is the most wondrous and exciting thing I have ever heard and understood!” The idea of the trinity – NO! The reality of the trinity being a balance of male/female, power, wisdom, goodness, and truth – all tempered in love… in all parts of the trinity in all things at all times is beyond my wildest thoughts!

This means I am in God (at all times), and God is in me (at all times), and God is in everything and every moment (at ALL times).

Do you realize what this also means???

God was with us, Babe, the night you died… God was in my tears and my horror as I watched you die in my arms. And God was in my anger… He held me when I railed against him and loved me when I cursed him. He held me tight when I begged him to take me too… But the problem wasn’t him… or me. It was my understanding of a gap between us that I couldn’t cross, and I felt like he refused to try… What a horrible thought. No wonder I was so angry.

And now, today, to realize there is no such gap… “There is no reality that is separate from what He created” ** … and “All shall be well, and All shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.” *** This makes me feel hope.

I still grieve for you, Babe. I still don’t understand – but I trust God does care and loves me… Not only that, but more… Those are still “separation” thoughts. There is no separation – He is in me – experiencing all I have and will experience, just as much as He is in each tree and blade of grass. We are all his creation – we are all Him… We are all enfolded in his love and goodness, protected by his power and led by his wisdom.

What great news! Thank you, Babe for leading me here!

The healing that came in these days is amazing and powerful, as I came to realize so much of what Bruce had been trying to tell me all along. There was so much he showed me while he was here. Yet, it wasn’t until after his death that I finally “heard” him. He left a legacy that I am still unraveling and is still influencing my life… that is a blessing I never expected or knew could exist!

What about you? Have you ever found yourself reading their books, listening to their music or the things that influenced their lives? What have you learned? This journey can be so very hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

** Roberta Bondi

*** Julian of Norwich