I sat weeping
Big, fat tears,
Heaving sobs…
How could you love me?
… me?
I spent years being told how horrible I was…
So undeserving,
So unlovable.
I have spent a lifetime
Feeling like someone else’s garbage.
I needed you to understand
Why you shouldn’t love me,
But you only held me tighter
As the tears and sobs flowed from my soul.
When my tears began to slow,
You looked me in the eye
And smiled…
STOP!
You don’t understand.
I took a piece of paper.
I crumpled it in a ball
And spread it out again.
Then, I crumpled it again,
And smoothed it out again.
I did this several more times
As you watched in silence…
I tried to smooth it out one final time,
“This is me…
This is what you think you love.”
With a question in your eye,
You replied,
“This is how you see yourself?”
In my shame, I nodded.
“Is there any good in you,” you asked.
I shrugged…
You took a clean piece of paper
And placed it over the wrinkled page.
“This much good?”
I shook my head…
You didn’t understand.
I took the clean page,
And tore off a small corner;
I placed that in the center of the wrinkled page.
“Maybe this much,” I said
As the tears started to fall once again.
You looked at the paper.
You took a breath…
I waited…
Expecting,
But not wanting to hear,
I was right…
Instead,
You wiped my tears.
“You only see the wrinkles –
The mess left from has passed.
But when I look at you,
I only see this part.”
And you gently touched the smooth corner
Sitting in the middle of so many wrinkles…
In that moment,
My heart was made whole,
Because now,
I understood love…
True, unconditional love…
Love that I never knew existed.
This is love! This is how Bruce taught me about love. This is when I first began to understand that I could (and should) have this same expectation of God’s love for me. When I think about all the ways Bruce and I expressed our love for each other, I know this is what I can expect in my relationship with God.
I can remember running to the car or the door when he came home in the evening, because I was so excited to see him. He would always laugh as he drew me into his arms and kissed me. I remember being content to simply sit together – no TV, no talking – just sitting and holding hands for an hour or more… So much love passing back and forth in a simple touch. I remember the safe, secure feeling when I laid in his arms. I remember how strong and powerful he was. Yet, he was always so gentle – so careful to never cause me harm.
He never felt threatened by my questions or my independence, and never demanded his own authority. Ours was a relationship of love, trust and balance… It is what I want in my relationship with God.
Bruce taught me so much about how God loves me and how to love him. God does not relate to me through my “wrinkles,” (aka my“sin”). He is not interested in that at all! Instead, love is his primary characteristic… Which means he doesn’t love me in spite of myself… He loves me because of myself… He loves the very person I am. Of course, he would! (He made me.) If God really is a God of love, then how could his love for me be anything less than Bruce’s love for me?
I remember when you died, Babe, you said you would be by my side for as long as I needed you… I don’t know when that will be… It is hard to admit (because I still love you so much), but I feel I am getting closer and closer to that point.
I love you, Babe… Now and forever!
~ Linda, Journal Entry May 2019
The healing in my life and in my heart over the past few months has been uncanny. I know this journey isn’t over… There will always be more to learn and more hurdles to jump. However, knowing that I am loved… Knowing that this is where Bruce has led me, brings me great peace.
It’s funny how those we love can still direct us even after they are gone. I have been following and exploring Bruce’s legacy for years. To this day, I am still unraveling and learning, and he is still influencing my life.
What about you? Have you ever found yourself reading their books, listening to their music or the things that influenced their lives? What have you learned? This journey can be so very hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.
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