For those reading this, congratulations! You made it through another Valentines Day without your loved one… A day that is an annual, rough challenge, and even after all this time, I never know how it is going to hit me. Then again, that is grief – we never know when or what may trigger one of those overwhelming waves of grief. We keep moving forward, learning how to manage the emotions thrown at us one breath at a time.
I remember the first Valentines Day. Bruce had died only the month before. My friends and family were wonderfully kind – sending flowers, a cookie bouquet, and tons of cards. I think I was still too lost and in shock to truly appreciate the outpouring of love. Instead, I found myself more focused on what was missing, (Bruce), to the point that I couldn’t even see these gifts for what they were – gestures of love… intended for me so that I could know I was loved and not completely alone.
Why are you gone?
Why aren‘t you here?
The lions are here…
Where are you?
I can’t do this!
I don’t have what it takes!
I don’t!
I’m scared.
The lions are circling,
And I don’t have the strength to fight them.
Not again…
It’s too much.
Help me, Babe!
Show me I’m not alone.
~ Linda, February 2015
As the years passed, the gestures from others got fewer, but that was okay… And even though the grief still felt overwhelming, each year, I learned to appreciate more and more those who still reached out.
I started to accept that this was now my life… Not in a depressive, “I-have-no-choice” kind of way, but in a stepping forward, “what-is-my-purpose-now” kind of way. While I still missed Bruce and wished he were here to celebrate the day with me, I was learning to at least appreciate the fact that he had been here to love me at one time… and what a blessing that was!
Sometimes I don’t know how to do this.
Sometimes I can’t even breathe.
Then, something happens,
And I am reminded of how blessed I have been to have known you at all.
To hold you in my arms, even for only a little while…
That love will carry me through.
~ Linda, Feb 2015
Today, I woke up feeling a little bit proud of myself… This year was okay – fun, actually. I was able to spend time with one of Bruce’s sisters last weekend. Then, the other sister came and spent Friday/Friday night with me this weekend. It was such a lovely time with each of them – sharing stories of precious memories and also laughing about life as it is now.
Do I still wish Bruce were still here with me? Yes – absolutely. At the same time, I am also aware that will never be – at least not in this lifetime. But, as long as I hold him in my heart and continue to speak his name with love, then he is still right here within me, and I will always consider myself blessed to known him as my Valentine for the incredible (though limited) time we had together.
I have been a long time on my own now.
I still hate it.
I miss your touch –
The gentle caresses that said, “I love you.”
I miss your smile and laughter –
The look in your eye that reminded me not to take life so seriously.
I miss your arms –
The way you held me close and made my fears and insecurities melt away.
Miss your friendship –
The unconditional love and acceptance you always put forward,
Which encouraged me to just be me.
In other words…
I miss you, Babe,
And I think I always will.
~ Linda, Feb 2023
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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