I am so frustrated with this whole thing…
So tired…
This grief seems to have no end.
The pain is deep
And intense.
How do I endure this pain
For the rest of my life?
~ Linda, January 2013
We all know that every grief journey is different, even when we are grieving the same person. We seem to realize this as soon as we start to gather together after their loss. We are all there in the same space, yet our grief is as individual as we are. We not only know this, we can feel it. It is as palpable as the ground we stand upon.
Why? Because just as each of us are individuals, so are our relationships – no two are ever the same. Therefore, our grief experiences will all be different as well. Sometimes that can be difficult to understand in the beginning. “Why isn’t everyone hurting like I am?” or “Why isn’t he/she over this yet? I am.”
But grief isn’t that simple. It can’t be placed in a box and tied up with a nice, neat bow. (Maybe for some, it feels that way, but not most of us.) For some of us, it is marked by some of the most intense feelings we have ever experienced… Feelings that are completely debilitating… Feelings that leave us struggling to even take our next breath. Therefore, it can take a while to process those and begin to work our way through them.
I remember the anger I felt in the beginning. Anger that I denied in public, but that shaded every thought and every action. For those first few years, I know I said and did things that others observed as “off” for who I was before Bruce died.
It felt rooted down into my very bone, and it took me years to learn how to regulate and calm that anger. People close to me would tell that it was fine, but it wasn’t… And I knew it wasn’t… Learning to release that and to get to a point where it no longer controlled me and my outlook on the world felt like an endurance test of major proportions.
Does that mean I never feel that anger now? No. It only means that now I am better equipped to recognize it, acknowledge it, process it, and (thank goodness) LET. IT. GO.
“You want to escape from the continuing endurance test that the struggle with grief imposes.” ~ Larry A. Platt, When Death Comes Unexpectedly to Someone You Love
As we all know, life didn’t stop when our loved one died… It kept right on going with its joys and its sadness… its gains and its losses. The difference now is in my own perspective and self-awareness.
I have had other losses since Bruce died – I have lost acquaintances and good friends. I have lost distant relatives and close family members. I lost people to physical death, and I have lost people who simply decided to walk away. All of it hurt… All of it brought a new wave of grief to the surface… new loss… new tears… new hurt…
Each time I am reminded again of just how precious each moment with those we love truly is. So many times, we let our hurt/frustration/anger with someone get the better of us… It happens to all of us. It’s normal.
“You also hold the precious knowledge of how important love can be and how vital it is as a source of joy in life – yet how easy it is to take love for granted and overlook the abundance of love that surrounds you.” ~ Larry A. Platt, When Death Comes Unexpectedly to Someone You Love
Here is the thing to remember, though… We may feel that there will be time later for making up or repairing the relationship. But… what if there isn’t? What if time runs out before we can make it right again? That is one thing I learned when Bruce died so suddenly… The next moment is not promised. All we have is this moment – right now.
I think (maybe), this is why I have felt so many emotions watching and listening to the Buddhist monks and their Walk for Peace. They talk about being mindful (paying attention) in all things – our thoughts, our actions, and even our relationships. They remind us daily that any peace in this world must start within each of us. We can only share that peace when we, ourselves, have it within.
That is the peace and mindfulness that reminds us to appreciate each moment (even the hard ones), love those around us (even when we think they are being difficult), and to keep growing the peace within so that those first two items don’t feel so impossible… like a never-ending endurance test (that I often felt I was failing).
So… these are my goals this week… Keep growing the peace within (despite what is happening “out there”) and to not take for granted, but instead to appreciate this time I still have with those I love.
When we were together,
The idea of spending the rest of our life together
Didn’t seem long enough.
Now, the idea of spending the rest of my life without you
Seems impossibly long.
~ Linda, January 2013
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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