February 2024 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Finding a Space to Belong

“The world is in a tender place – that space between no longer and not yet.”
~ Joan Borysenko

I found this quote this week and have hung onto it – mulling it over and sitting with it as it speaks to my heart. I think since Bruce died; I have struggled to figure out where I fit in now. I am no longer part of an “us”, but I certainly don’t feel like a “me” either.

In the dictionary, a widow is defined as “a woman who has lost her spouse by death and has not remarried.” Yet, my experience has been so much more than that. Of course, there is no mention in the dictionary of how that looks and feels… and I get it. Everyone’s experience will be different. Yet the simplicity of that definition just leaves out so much. It makes it sound like so much less than it really is.

I have spent years trying to find the space where I am comfortable… But I’m not sure that place can exist until I am comfortable within my own skin in my own situation. Don’t get me wrong. I am beyond blessed with people all around me who love me – family and friends who have stuck by me through the darkest nights and the happiest days… But it’s me learning to be comfortable as me when I will always miss the “us” that was Bruce and I.

Then, I stumbled on this quote where she mentions that “tender place” … And she describes it so well – “that space between no longer and not yet.” That is where I think I am… in that “tender place”. A place that is so fragile, I am almost scared to breathe – much less move.

Trust me… I know Bruce is gone. That is my reality. I live it day in and day out. I understand that this is how it is – like it or not; accept it or not… This is the life I am given… for now.

Yet, my faith also tells me that this is not the end. I believe that life is made of energy and energy never dies. Therefore, I firmly believe that whether you are rationally scientific or spiritual/religious, there is a good argument for the continuation of life in some form. I also believe that Bruce and I will see each other again. Honestly, if I didn’t believe that I don’t know if I would even want to go on.

… But I do go on… and I want to. I want to do whatever it is I am supposed to do while I am here. I want to spend time with my kids and my family. I want to laugh with my friends and watch the moon rise over the ocean with my sisters. I want to continue my own self-growth and share my love freely with others. I want all those things and so much more.

Yet this space where I find myself is a tender place. It is fragile. It can sometimes feel like I am walking on a thin sheet of glass. I must take each step gingerly and carefully – knowing that the next step may be the one that causes the glass beneath me to shatter.

But isn’t that life? Not necessarily a cautious dance, but more of a mindful one… A dance where I want to notice and appreciate each step along the journey. A dance where I am not wary or too scared to move at all. Instead, I want to be vigilant of everything and take it all in.

I think for me… finding that space where I belong has become a dance of appreciation for what is, while remembering what was and looking forward to what is yet to come. I don’t know where I will end up. Shoot, I don’t even know what tomorrow will hold, but…

… I will continue to dance… I will continue to take one step at a time… And I will continue in this “tender space” – grateful for each soul that joins me along the way – whether that is for one step… or a thousand.

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Finding Comfort

I don’t know about you, but I hate the empty platitudes that are spoken when someone dies. When Bruce died, I remember people saying all the things… “He’s in a better place.” “God needed another angel.” “This is a blessing because <fill in the blank>.” I know people mean well… I understand that their hearts are in the right place, but… no… please, no!

Those phrases are not comforting… At least, not for everyone and definitely not for me. I was angry, and I was hurting. Those words only increased those emotions. Bruce and I were a match… at team… a pair. Life without him made no sense… Death made no sense. I was hurting… Shoot, most days I still hurt.

I know those platitudes are meant well. I really do understand that. But do the people who say them understand how empty they are when your soul is ripped in two? I doubt it, because if they did, I don’t think those words would ever leave their mouths.

So where do we find comfort? Where do we turn when the world is spinning out of control and our anchor is gone?

I have shared before that when Bruce died, I had just recently walked away from the church… not my faith, but the organized religion where I had practiced that faith for so long. I needed comfort from somewhere, and I had no idea where that would come from.

In hindsight, I can tell you that it came from those people who simply came and sat in my grief with me… no lectures… no platitudes… no toxic positivity… or religious-based guilt.

Let me give you just one example… I remember my sister simply sitting with me as I cried and holding me. She never offered empty platitudes. Instead, she validated my pain by moving into that space with me. She never ssh’d me or told me to stop crying. She never said that it would be okay or told me to move on. She didn’t expect me to meet her where she was… no… She came and met me where I was… and held that space with me… Because of her, I wasn’t alone. I may have felt alone… I may have felt abandoned… My pain was so great at that time I couldn’t past it to see her there. However, at this point, I can tell you that I was not alone… She walked beside me all the way… and still does.

What a gift! That was comfort.

“As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you.”

~ Isaiah 66:13

To this day, I will tell whoever will listen that when she did that, I believe that is what God means when she says she will give comfort…

Verse after verse in the Bible talks about the comfort of God for those who are grieving. After all, even Jesus grieved when his friend died… In other words, God gets it! God knows death and grief hurt, and she hurts when we hurt. Just like my sister… or through my sister, God has always been there… The divine spark within each of us, and my sister choosing to use her divine spark and simply sit with me in my pain… Crying with me when I cried out… and holding me when I didn’t want to be here alone.

I remember being told by someone at the grief “support” group that I attended a few times that it was a sin to grieve. I don’t believe that… In fact, I think that is crap. I believe that grief and pain and death are all a part of the human experience. (period) It’s hard… and God gets it… over and over, she gets it.

God’s love comforts and sooths my soul. ~ The Daily Word, Feb 15, 2024

So, while it still hurts… and I still cry… I know I am not alone. God is here… within me as the Divine… and beside me flowing through my friends and family to comfort my heart. She is my strength… through each of these wonderfully, loving people… and I am so very grateful.

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Absence

“The problem with death is absence.”
~ Roger Rosenblatt

Well, that says it all. I’m done.

Just kidding… well kind of… It really does seem to encapsulate the whole grief experience in a few succinct words… but I still want to linger with those words just a little bit.

Death brings up so many emotions in all of us, and those emotions can change not only each day, but with each breath. There have been times when I didn’t know what to do with all those emotions, especially in the beginning. For me, though, no matter what other emotions were in my heart, always in the periphery (if not in the foreground) were the feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

I know it sounds silly. Shoot, even to my rational mind, I know it is silly. However, from the moment I stood there and watched EMS working on Bruce, yelling at him in my mind to just breathe, but instead watching the line on the monitor remain flat, I felt like he had abandoned me. Logically, I knew better… I still know better. Yet, there is this part of me that I can’t deny which feels abandoned – left all alone to figure out the rest of my days.

Thankfully, I know better. I know Bruce would not have left me alone if he had a choice. I know he loves me… still. I know that feeling something doesn’t make it true. So, why? Why do I feel this way so often when I think about Bruce and this journey of grief that I now find myself on?

Well, the answer to that seems to go back a long way. Although, I honestly don’t know exactly where it comes from. However, I do know that feeling abandoned has been as much a part of me as my own DNA. It seems like there have always been people in my life who choose to use shunning as a form of “punishment” when they are angry rather than having the hard conversation to find a way through – either finding forgiveness or coming to an understanding that we can each live with.

Just to give you an example, my first husband could go for weeks (or even months) without talking to me whenever he felt angered or wronged in some way. The days would drag on and on, and I would fall deeper and deeper into depression and self-loathing… I would be devastated. I would lose all self-esteem as I begged and groveled for forgiveness. I can remember feeling so completely alone… and completely abandoned. Until one day, out of the blue, he would announce that he was “through being mad” and had decided to “forgive” me. No conversation… no understanding… nothing that spoke of love or caring.

At the time, I didn’t realize how emotionally abusive that was. However, after I left and began to heal, I figured it out pretty quickly. I came to understand that that was emotional abandonment, and no one deserves that… no one. I also swore I would never beg for someone to love me ever again.

With Bruce, I never did… I never had to because he truly loved me… All of me – the good, the bad, the silly, the irrational… all of me. I can honestly tell you that, because of Bruce, I know what unconditional love is and how wonderful it feels.

The night he died, though, all of those old, awful feelings from the past came rushing back… And to feel abandoned by this man who had loved me so deeply was beyond devasting.

However, life moves on… and I got help. Bruce is still gone; that won’t change. I still feel his absence each and every day. Sometimes, it is when I first wake up and realize all over again that I am the only one in the bed. Sometimes, it is when I come home to an empty house. There are also the times when I have exciting news to share or when my world feels like it is falling apart. No matter how much time passes, his absence can still take me by surprise, (as if that makes sense), and leave me with those same initial feelings of utter loneliness… and abandonment.

At the same time, I am getting quicker at recognizing what is happening and am able to remind myself that letting go “is one of the compromises we are forced to make in life”. * So, while my heart is broken right now, this is not the end… I still feel him beside me and see him in my dreams… I, also, know that he will be there waiting for me when it is my turn to say good-by here… Until then, I will miss him… and I will remind myself that absence is not always abandonment… Sometimes it is simply a temporary hole in my heart.

* Martha Whitmore Hickman, Healing After Loss
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – In the Beginning

There is no easy way to say that someone has died. It will always sound abrupt, maybe because a life cut off is an abrupt experience. I think that has been on my heart since my friend and neighbor died last weekend. I have spent this week struggling with the idea that he is gone… that his smile and “Hi, Linda” will never again be a part of my days.

I have sat with his wife and felt my heart breaking for her… This is a pain I would never want anyone to experience. I know her experience will be different than mine. Yet, I also know that the road in front of her can be hard and filled with emotions that no one can prepare for ahead of time… Someone might be able to tell you about the hurt, but even that bit of information cannot even begin to prepare you for what is ahead.

Grief is hard and no one can tell you how to do it nor can they go through it for you. The best anyone else can do is to come along beside you and walk with you… holding you up… crying with you… or just sitting in the silence with you.

I really don’t have any words of comfort for my friend who is now on my journey… I wish I did. I wish I knew some magical words to make it all better… or that I could give her a list of tasks and say, “Work your way through these and you will feel a lot better.” But there are no magic words, nor is there a list of things that will take the pain away… I know… I tried.

There are things that will help you navigate this journey and learn to live again, but those vary according to each person and their experience. For now, I will be content to be with her in whatever capacity she needs.

With that in mind, I have spent this week thinking about those first few weeks and months. I even pulled out my journal from that time, just to re-immerse myself in those feelings and my thoughts on what I needed back then when everything felt so raw. These are some of those words from the first two weeks after he was gone…

“Oh God! This is too hard! I can’t do it. God is expecting too much from me. It’s been a week – he needs to come back! All last night I kept thinking – these were our last few moments together. I kept trying to remember his smile, his touch, that last kiss goodnight… I just want 1 more hour – 1 hug… 1 smile… 1 more evening spent snuggling on the couch. I need to lay my head on his chest while he strokes my back and tells me it’s all going to be okay… But I don’t get any of that and it’s not going to be okay. I can’t even breathe without him. Oh God, how am I going to do this?”

“I don’t think I can do this. I miss him so much! I can’t do this by myself. I always told him that I could never do this alone. He would smile, kiss me, and promise me he’d be here… but he’s not! This is our house. This is our bed. So, where is he? Why isn’t he here? Why did he leave me… alone?”

“I don’t know how I am going to do this. I feel so consumed. The days get harder and harder. I know that no one can stay forever, but I am dreading being along all the time. I can’t bring myself to start cleaning out his things… What if this is some huge mistake? What if he comes home? I know… he isn’t coming back. I know what the reality is… I just want him back so badly.”

“This sucks! I am so lonely. Today will be my first day alone. I’m scared… I guess it’s just as well. I have to learn to be alone sometime. And I know everyone else has lives that they need to get back to… I wish I did. I wish I could go back to “our” life together. I wish I could get in my car and drive back to my life with Bruce. I can see how people die of a broken heart, when 1 spouse dies and the other dies soon after. I love my family, and I don’t want my kids to ever hurt like this, but being here without Bruce is just wrong. It is too hard. We love each other – not loved – still love each other. It isn’t a switch. I can’t just turn it off. I still love him. We had plans and dreams… Why? Why is this my reality?”

“Last night was hard. Reality hit… I am no longer the center of anyone’s world. From now on, I will be behind whatever is going on in someone else’s life. I understand that. It is the way it should be. Still, it is hard to know that there is no more Bruce who loves me first and foremost. He had a way of making me feel so important… but that is gone now, and I need to accept that. Is it okay to feel sorry for myself about this for just a little while? Can I grieve that too or am I being selfish? I just want to crawl in a hole. I know I am an emotional drain on everyone around me… I want to be who I was… I want to be happy… But I don’t know how to feel that again… At least, not yet. I love you, Babe. I love you so much! The love won’t stop and now it has nowhere to go.”

Those words have been hard to read after all this time. I took it in small spurts, but it was still hard. With each page, all those same feelings came rushing back into my world… Feelings of being abandoned and utter loneliness… Feelings of hurt and pain and having zero direction – like turning in circles in the middle of a forest and having no idea where to take my first step to find my way out of there. These words were written a long time ago, but the emotions are all still there – still just under the surface of my heart.

Loss is hard… Grief is hard… The start of the journey feels impossible. Yet, with the love and support of good people I have very slowly made my way back to a world where I can experience joy and happiness… A world where I can laugh again without feeling guilty… Yet, I would still love to be able to get in my car and drive back to my life with Bruce… A life I will always remember with love and cherish down to the deepest parts of my soul.

________________________________________________________

Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.