Month: May 2015

Peace, Love and Grief… The value I couldn’t see

Recent research has shown that 2 out of 3 people have low self-esteem. WOW! That is quite a number! (And losing sight of your own value as a human being is quite a loss.) There are many things that feed into how we feel about ourselves but evidently many of us are buying into some pretty negative ideas. I grew up feeling loved and as a child, I remember feeling extremely confident. I have no idea at what point I lost that or why. I could play psychologist and wager a guess, but it would be exactly that – a guess.

I do know that by the time I met my first husband, my self esteem was already low… he didn’t create it. But because I didn’t value myself, I accepted that fact that he didn’t either. I spent many years accepting behaviors that should never have been tolerated… but I didn’t believe in my own value enough to set a boundary or have higher expectations.
After my first marriage ended, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I had a lot of healing to do. I worked hard and I made progress, but always in the back of my mind was “His” voice saying, “The world would spin a lot easier if you weren’t on it.”

Bruce, however, saw me in a different light… His perspective became something I clung to when that other voice got too loud. I remember one day, soon after we were married. We were sitting on the barstools at the kitchen counter. I don’t remember what triggered the conversation, I only remember the miracle of his response.

I was feeling down on myself, and he was trying to understand why. (God bless him!) I took a piece of notebook paper, crumpled it into a ball and smoothed it back out. Then, I repeated that process several times. The paper looked like a crumpled mess… definitely a piece of trash.

“I feel like this is me,” I said. “Nothing but someone else’s piece of trash and you got stuck with someone else’s trash (me).”

Bruce sat quietly for a moment or two, never one to be rushed – always one to think things through before speaking. I don’t know what I expected to hear or if I even expected anything, but what he said next was a turning point for me.

Gently, he took a clean piece of paper from the stack and set it beside that crumpled paper. Then, as he touched the clean paper, he said, “I don’t think that at all.” Slowly, he tore off a corner of the clean paper and placed it in the center of the crumpled paper. “You may see all of this when you look at yourself,” he said as he gestured to the crumpled paper. “But when I look at you, all I see is this.” And he gently touched the clean piece he had laid in the center.

Why am I telling this story? Because after that, with Bruce’s unconditional love, I began to rebuild my own thought process about myself. It was a slow process and there were still some major gaps but I was moving forward… until that day in January of 2013 when my world fell apart.

When Bruce passed, I felt like I had been abandoned. I couldn’t understand why God would let this happen. Why did I have to spend so many years with someone who couldn’t love me and only a few short years with someone who loved me beyond all reason? Emotionally, I fell backwards about 10 years in regards to my self-worth and value. I couldn’t seem to believe in my own value anymore… If God didn’t see me as valuable, how could I? My self-esteem fell lower and lower. I couldn’t seem to pick myself up… not alone… not by myself.

Then, I met a wonderful woman who worked with me as a coach (and is still a dear, dear friend). By asking all the right questions (some that were initially infuriating), she helped me realize I had spent most of my life letting other people shape my thoughts about myself. When I was married to Bruce, it was positive shaping, but I was still giving that power to someone else. Until I learned to shape my own thoughts, I would always flounder with my own value… and that is a loss no one has to endure.

I started with an “Intentions” poster that still hangs in my bathroom. On it, I list short, encouraging phrases that build me up or encourage positive action. I, also, learned (and started implementing) the knowledge that just because someone says something, doesn’t make it true. I don’t have to take it in and make it a part of me. Shoot, I don’t even have to respond to it. Instead, I can realize that it is merely a reflection on them and their thought processes. I have the option to let it go… so I do.

There have been other epiphanies along this journey, and I have probably made the most progress in the last 8+ months as I become stronger in the knowledge that I have value. God never abandoned me or wanted me to hurt. He sent Bruce as a blessing… A starting point for my healing. God created me and loves me just as I am… He knows I am not perfect, but that is no surprise to him. He made me that way and loves me anyway. In fact, I am finally learning to love me just as I am, as well… Only this time it is not because someone else says I do or do not deserve it.

Losing Bruce was hard and losing myself in that process made it even harder. However, I know now that I am a whole person just as I am. Bruce always wanted me to know and believe that. Because of him, his love, his patience and his gentle nature, I am finally getting there.

I would have never thought that it would take grief for me to learn to see my own value. But life seems to teach us what we need to know wherever we are on our path.

Thank you, Babe, for always believing in me…

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… We all have those days

Happiness is a daily choice…
Some days I am better at it than others.
~ Linda, January 26, 2015

Let me start by saying, “Yes, I am well aware that last week’s blog sounded like a pity party.” It was! I admit it… I even knew it when I posted it, but I posted it anyway. Why? Because it was real… And because if this blog is an honest look at how I deal with loss (my grief journey), then it needs to include the good and the bad. I have to be honest about those days when I can keep my attitude in check and those days when I don’t.

Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself, but whether you are grieving or not, most of us have days just like that. That is not a phenomenon only relevant to those grieving. We’ve all been there at some point. Therefore, it shouldn’t be hard to empathize when we see someone else going down that road.

Last week, I was very tempted to change the blog entirely and write it as if I had handled the day well, remained positive and had a “life lesson” for the world. I laugh though, because that would have been false. In fact, since it wouldn’t have been genuine, it may have sounded a bit preachy. (Yuck!) But worst of all, if I were not honest, someone else who was having a “feel-sorry-for-myself” kind of day might have felt they were wrong or unusual. That would go directly against what I hope to achieve with this blog… an understanding that feelings are feelings. They are neither right nor wrong. It is what you do with them that makes a difference in your life.

I guess I could be embarrassed about what I felt last week, but I feel that it is something we have all felt at one time or another – loss or no loss. I’m glad I simply put it out there, and I’m thankful for the people who contacted me and said they “got it” – they have had days just like that, too.

This is one way where a grief journey isn’t so different from any other journey. We all have challenges. We all have bumps in the road. Sometimes we can maneuver around them or gently roll over them without a problem, and other times they knock us to the other side of the road. There is no “wrong” on this journey… it is about doing the best you can day to day – moment to moment. Sometimes that isn’t a pretty picture – but it’s real.

After 2+ years of missing Bruce, I wish I had it all figured out. I wish I could say I am okay with my life every moment of every day… but I can’t… because I’m not. Who could? We all have frustrations and no one needs the added pressure of feigning perfection.

So what do you do with a day like that? Here’s a thought… “pity party” days are not healthy or positive, but they are normal. The trick lies in:

1. Recognizing it for what it is. It is a bad moment in time, but it doesn’t have to determine what comes next.

2.Not blaming anyone else for what you are feeling. No one controls your feelings but you. Someone may say or do something that affects you but you get to decide what to do with that.

And

3. Making the choice to get back on your feet and move past it. I know, it’s not as simple as it sounds but it is truly your choice and no one else’s.

Don’t get me wrong, I have days when I get to the end and I am proud of how I have handled my day. But I also have days when I look back and think, “Well, that wasn’t my best… but tomorrow is a new day.” I look at it this way – just the fact that I can recognize when I fall down, is a success… Because once I recognize it, I can start to pull out of it.

My point this week?

No matter what your path, we are not so different. We have more in common than we might care to acknowledge. No one has all the answers and that is more than okay with me. I want to be the best “me” possible – I strive for that. But I find it comforting to know I can learn to accept myself – warts and all. And deep down, I realize I like me… and I’m worth the work.

Furthermore, this week’s blog is not just for people dealing with physical loss. This week’s loss is more about losing your own perspective of yourself and the power within each of us to choose our attitude in each moment of each day.

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… What to do with a day like today

I remember years ago when my kids were little and would ask what I wanted for Mother’s Day. I would always give the same response… I just wanted a day of quiet – a day all to myself. Well, this year I am spending my third Mother’s Day alone and let me tell you – it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I find myself longing for those days of endless chaos (and hugs). So, be careful what you wish for – you just might get it.

As I wrote today’s blog, I started to “pretty it up” and make it more positive. Then I stopped myself. If I am honest about what my grief journey entails then I need to be honest about this day, as well.

I love the fact that there is a day set aside to celebrate my Mom and Bruce’s Mom and all that they have done for us. Without the two of them, the “we” that was Bruce and I would never have been.

I, also, love that there is a day when my daughter is celebrated for being the fabulous mother that she is. My grandson is my whole heart, and as his mother, my daughter makes that happen.

My problem, however, comes when I try to apply the sentiment of the day to myself… This is where I struggle.

You see, in the processes of leaving my first marriage, meeting, loving and losing Bruce, there have been so many areas of my life in which I have grown and developed. However, Mother’s Day is a day I dread… There are emotions attached to this day that make breathing a struggle.

After I left my first marriage, I needed to come to terms with what had transpired over the years and how I had enabled those behaviors. I also had to accept the fact that my job as the mother was to protect my kids. While I thought I was protecting them at the time, the reality was different. They endured quite a bit at the hands of their father and as their mother, I failed to protect them.

Luckily, my kids turned out great (in spite of me)… but this is where my dread of Mother’s Day comes from… It comes from within myself.

For the first few years after my first marriage, we still lived in SC, so it was easy to center the day around my mother and grandmother… I could ignore my own dread and put my energy into loving them.

When I met Bruce, he listened to my thoughts and feelings but he had a completely different perspective. He saw me in a light without judgement. He wanted to celebrate what he called “the strength to leave” and likened it to the legend of a mother pelican.

On our first Mother’s Day together, after only 6 months of marriage, I didn’t expect anything from him. After all, ours was a “later in life” marriage. I wasn’t his mother nor the mother of his daughter. But he saw it differently. When I awoke that morning, he had a card waiting on his side of the bed. He was absolutely beaming when he handed it to me. (I still have that card… and every other one he ever gave me.) Inside was a beautiful message of love along with 3 tickets to the opera for that afternoon. : )

Imagine it… Here was my body-building, truck-driving, football-loving husband willing to spend the afternoon at the opera because he knew how much I would love it… and he included my daughter so that it was a “family affair” – exactly what the day was meant to be. While I am still uncomfortable with this day, I smile when I remember how he always insisted on celebrating me as a mother.

Flash forward to the first Mother’s Day after Bruce passed (May 2013). I found myself struggling in a different light. The kids have been grown and gone for years… and without Bruce, I was alone.

Rather than trying to explain how that feels, I am going to share a few excerpts from my journal over the last few years.

May 12, 2013:
* It is four months today… and Mother’s day… and I’m alone… it has been a really hard day. A few days ago I wrote that I thought I was still here for my kids, but today I am not so sure… they are grown and gone with lives and families of their own. They love me. (I know that without a doubt.)… But I would not say they need me.

* My biggest issue is that I need to stop looking to my kids for comfort… that is not their job and it is not fair to them. Bruce is gone. I am sad and I miss him more than I ever could have imagined – but those are my issues… no one else’s. I have to figure this out myself before I drive everyone off. I love them and they love me, but this will drive them away if I’m not careful… I need some courage – I am losing my confidence.

May 11, 2014:
* It’s Mother’s Day… I’m trying not to feel bad about being alone. I know we all live too far apart for anyone to come for just a day. (D and M will be here on Tuesday and are staying for a few weeks.) I just find that “special” days are hard now that they aren’t so “special” – just another day.

* I don’t want to be here alone. The kids have called or skyped… It’s funny how something so simple means so much. I know I’m not entitled to expect anything but it is nice to feel special.

May 10, 2015:
* Yuck! Mother’s Day #3 without you, Babe… alone…again.

* The kids have already started calling this morning which makes me smile. It is is still hard to accept – I wish I had been a better mom. If I could, I would do things different… Being a mom was the one thing I always wanted to do and be when I grew up… and I really managed to screw it up.

* Today is one of those days when I am hanging on by a thread. I feel myself slipping into a darkness that seems to surround every thought. I need to turn this thought process around. I am trying so hard not to fall down that rabbit hole of self-doubt and self-loathing today, but it is hard.

My reflections for today:
* I survived today. : )

* My grandson was my first call this morning and he lights up my whole world! I spoke to my kids, my mom, and Bruce’s mom – all of these people light up my world.

* I spent time at the beach – a space that was mine and Bruce’s. It was nice to enjoy the simple blessings of today.

* My neighbors reached out and invited me to dinner. They are wonderful friends who empathize with the challenges that go with widows and holidays. They are a constant source of support… and hugs!

* All in all, I still wish I could be physically with Bruce, my kids and my grandson, but that was not to be. However, God has provided the love and support that I needed to get through this Mother’s Day… I can be thankful for that.

In writing this today, I am not looking for anything really. I only want people to understand that if you know someone who has lost a person that connects to their “mother role”, please… reach out to them… they need you.

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… It’s not a competition

Please…
Please don’t judge my grief;
Don’t compare it to someone else’s.
You see what I choose to let you see.
(Except in those moments when it overflows and pours from my soul.)
I may smile.
I may walk with my chin up,
But you do not know what pain is growing on the inside…
consuming my soul.
It may be easy to sit where you do and decide I am fine;
But you would be wrong.
You see what I choose to let you see.
My pain is here; it is real.
I deal with it all day – everyday…
Do not believe the mask I wear.
~ Linda, June 17, 2014

During the first year after Bruce passed, I found myself getting angry at some of the things people said. During the second year, that anger subsided as I learned to think with less emotion and began to realize that people truly meant well… They just didn’t know any better. I know now that most of the words spoken were meant to console or “help me look on the bright side.” Unfortunately, what might be consoling to one person is not necessarily consoling to another. Separating the words from the intent and only responding to the intent has helped me grow and respond with love. What I hope to achieve today is an understanding of why one perception of loss can leave the griever feeling isolated even more.

One of the few statements that will still trigger an emotional (aka – angry) response within me, occurs when someone tries to compare the grief of two different people and thus, two different losses. Please, believe me when I tell you that if you were to ask anyone who is grieving, they would be quick to tell you that this is not a game… And, if it were, they would rather not be participating.

The year Bruce died, was a hard year for our little office. Several people lost family members. We lost husbands, partners, parents and children. About 6 months after Bruce passed, a co-worker went through the horrendous experience of losing her son in a senseless accident. Not only did she live a mother’s worst nightmare by having to make the decision to say “good-by”, but because it was not his fault in any way, she also spent months fighting for him in the judicial system. She is such a brave woman, and I am extremely proud to be her friend.

Since we were both experiencing such deep-felt grief at the same time, we shared a lot… many mornings found us praying for each other and sending words of encouragement back and forth. (I hope she realizes that she is still in my prayers – even today.)

The competition I mention was never between her and me. The competition seems to have been in the minds of some of our co-workers. Ironically, it seemed to be those who had never lost a child or a soul mate (a loss that impacts not just your heart but your day-to-day life).

Almost immediately, people began saying to me, “Well,  at least you can remarry and get another husband. She can never replace her son.” Or “Well, at least you don’t hurt as much as she does. The pain of losing a child is so much worse.”

Really? I’ve lost a child and I’ve lost my soul mate… the relationships were different and the pain was different. But I would never say that one is less or more painful than the other. I am aware that these people were trying to help. Their intention may have been to console or to be the “voice of wisdom and positive thought.” I truly believe they meant well, and I appreciate their attempt to help me feel better.

My questions, however, would be…

1. Is there a way to measure grief?
I don’t believe you can measure it. No one knows for sure how or what I (or another person) feels. When we are grieving, we let the world see what we choose to let them see. I would bet most people have no idea that almost 2.5 years later, I still cry at least 2 – 3 times a day… and that’s a minimum. I still wear our wedding rings close to my heart each and every day, and when things get rough and when I sleep, I hold them tightly in my fist. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the reality of losing Bruce. I don’t know if I will ever completely accept it.

2. And what do they mean replace Bruce?
One might remarry… Then again, one might also have another child. My point is no matter what else you might do, you can never replace a person. Each person is unique and your relationship with them is unique. They will always be a part of your soul and live deep in your heart. Yes, I am lonely… but it is Bruce that I miss. I don’t want just anyone – I want him. But since that is impossible, I still find myself grieving. I still question why he is gone. I still light a candle for him each morning. I can still remember what it feels like to be in his arms. Craziest of all, I still think of myself as married, and I still think of him as my husband. Honestly, I don’t know if that will ever change.

Here is what I do know…

  • If your grieving, people will probably say things that are just wrong. Take a breath and remember that they mean well.
  • If you are trying to comfort someone who is grieving and you don’t know what to say, that’s okay. You need to say anything – just be there. That means so much more than anyone could ever realize.
  • Finally, please understand that people who are grieving, would rather not be grieving (period). So, if you feel the temptation to compare our grief – to make it seem like a competition – please don’t. It is hurtful and invalidating.
    We would beg you, please, don’t compare us… just support us.

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.