April 2024 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Mindfulness

Note: I apologize for missing last week. I was on vacation with my son and just wanted to stay focused on our time together.

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For anyone who has been reading about my journey over the years, you know that this has been a long road for me. While my grief has been centered on the loss of Bruce, part of what has made this struggle so hard was that I never learned how to grieve in the first place. The few times in my life where I did experience loss, it was presented to me in the form of what I would call toxic religion. (Just sayin’.) With each loss, it was presented as a “celebration” because that person was “in a better place.” Tears and grief were placed in a category of non-faith… They were paramount to sin and were to be stifled…

But when Bruce died, I couldn’t do that anymore… The pain was too deep… At the same time, I couldn’t even begin to process my grief over the loss of Bruce until I went back and learned to process all the other losses from my past… I guess it is no secret that this has taken me a little while.

It is like the pendulum swung completely the other way… I went from not knowing how to grieve to not knowing how to stop grieving. I knew I needed help… No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t quite figure it all out on my own. I needed help…

It has not been a secret that over the past few years I have been working hard in therapy… It started as a recognition of things within myself that I wanted to change, and has become a whole lot more… The biggest piece being the work we have done around PTSD and the different traumatic events that have kept me stuck emotionally.

I am learning that…

I am enough… I really do have control… I am strong and my strength comes from the Divine within; all I have to do is be still and connect to the truth.

In other words, it is about being mindful… About finding the wonder and awe within the present moment. It is about remembering those precious memories from the past, but not remaining so focused on them that I miss what is happening right in front of me. It is about finding the love in each moment and each person on my path.

Yes, I still miss Bruce. Yes, I would give my soul to have him back. Yet, I also know that he is gone… No amount of wishing is going to bring him back. I can relive those precious memories a million times in my head, but that is never going to change the fact that they are still only memories… No more.

I have also come to realize that if I am here, there must be a reason… and that reason must be for a greater purpose than grief. So… more and more I am working to stay present in the moment… To feel the love of those who choose to be in my life… To find the joy there and to create even more precious memories…

This is where life happens… And after all we have been through, we know how precious each moment here truly is…

“Mindfulness Is paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, nonjudgmentally. It’s seeing things as they are not as we prefer them to be.” ~ Nelson, Ronka, and Lang, Designing & Leading Life-Changing Workshops
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief – Happy Birthday, Babe

I started a new job several weeks ago. I love it… absolutely love it. At t the same time, this company is growing fast and so life has gotten very, very busy (in a good way). With that said, for the entire month of April, I have been running about a day behind, not weekdays but dates. So, while I know Bruce’s birthday is on the 13th, in my head, that was going to be Sunday… today.

All week, I have figured that was good. I could work like crazy all week, get emotionally prepared on Saturday, and spend Sunday celebrating Bruce by the water. I figured a day of prep would be enough time. I have spent this year working hard in therapy. I had already made a tentative plan, so that piece of the puzzle was squared away… and where in the past, I would have been dreading this day for weeks, this year I felt like I was going to be okay with just a day to get my feelings sorted.

However, after work on Friday, I went outside to do some porch sittin’. One of the first things I did was to open up Face Book to catch up with the rest of the world. Per normal, one of the first things I saw when I opened the app, were my memories… Year after year after year of my asking for prayers and support “for Bruce’s birthday tomorrow”.

“Wait! What?? Tomorrow??”

“No… that’s impossible. His birthday is Sunday not tomorrow… not Saturday.” For the first time all week, I looked at my home screen and actually paid attention to the day and date on my phone… Friday, April 12.

Oh, geez… tomorrow… It really is tomorrow. What a terrible wife… widow I am. Now my plans are all for the wrong day. Now I only have a few hours to get my head together and my emotions in check… I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it. I look at my son who had been sitting across from me watching my panic play out.

“It’s okay,” he said. “I got you. What do you need?” … And he did… He stayed with me… listened to me sort through some stuff… reminded me of my own strength when appropriate… gave me space when I needed… and celebrated with me all day on Saturday, making sure I got to do all the things I had planned for Sunday… and never once did he make me feel like it was an imposition…

Instead, it was a beautiful day spent by the water celebrating a man who changed our lives and enjoying the present moment in our own relationship…

And… as I do every year, I wrote a letter to Bruce to wish him a Happy Birthday and to thank him for being the wonderful man I will always love…

Hey Babe,
I can’t believe tomorrow is your birthday. I just want to cry. I miss you so much every single day. I don’t think I will ever understand why… Why did you have to go? I spent so many years with a man who couldn’t love me or our children. Then, like a miracle, you appeared out of nowhere… and loved all of us… no conditions… just love. What a blessing! How did you do that?
Thank you! Thank you for being the man you are. Thank you for showing us what love… real love… truly is.
Midnight has come and gone… Happy birthday! As long as I breathe, I will never stop celebrating your life.
I sit here, and I just don’t understand… Why? In so many ways, your death has killed me too. Did you know that?
I want to make you proud. (I know I shouldn’t care, but I do.)
I want to live a good life… like really live it.
Yet, all I can think about is that you aren’t here…
To laugh…
To cry…
To watch the sunrise or sunset…
I just don’t understand.
All I do know is that I love you… And that isn’t changing… Happy Birthday!

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Reminders of Life

I had lost a few people I loved before Bruce. I had experienced the loss of all my grandparents, a great Aunt, and a child. Except my child, most were what we would consider “normal” in the cycle of life. The thing was, I never really grieved them. No one walked me through it… In fact, no one even gave me permission to grieve them.

The message that I received from my parents and their faith was that I should rejoice that my loved ones were “in a better place” and “it was a blessing”. I can’t tell you how I felt about it, because honestly, I didn’t question it at the time… with the exception of the loss of my child. That one was a struggle for years… To be told that one’s emotions and sadness are somehow wrong or bad is awful, and I resented not being allowed to grieve that loss.

It was also very unhealthy not to grieve those losses, as I learned when Bruce died… Suddenly all the hurt and pain of those other losses were felt all over again, only this time, I refused to be told how to feel or act. Within the first several months, I realized that I would have to process my feelings from the past losses before I could even begin to work through my grief for Bruce…. And so, I did… It was not quick, and it was not easy.

All of that grief felt so overwhelming… It felt like I couldn’t even breathe just thinking about all of it. I wanted the world to stop… just for a little while until I could catch up to it… But we all know that doesn’t happen. No matter how badly we are hurting the world continues on… Life goes on.

(Now a days, I find myself looking at the people passing me by, and I wonder how many of them are dealing with deep hurt in that very moment… And what can I do to help? Say hello? Offer a smile? A kind nod or gesture?)

I struggled for a long time to move forward… I couldn’t seem to find my footing on a path that I didn’t want to be on in the first place. There were so many days that first year where simply breathing felt like a miracle… and getting out of the bed and going about my day… Those were even bigger miracles!

Oh my gosh!! And all the emotions that go with grief! No one warns you about that. I had no idea that my own emotions could flip around so much in the course of one ordinary day… but they did. In fact, one of the hardest things to overcome was my own judgmental reactions to myself. For example, during that first year or two, if I smiled or laughed, my immediate reaction to myself was to shut it down… fast! How dare I find any joy in this world when Bruce was no longer here to feel joy. I would start to smile only to remind myself that Bruce no longer had the chance to smile… Knowing that, how could I even think of smiling?

All of that may sound crazy, but it was how I felt… I was so caught up in what he could no longer do, that I forgot… (or wouldn’t allow myself) to live my own life… The one still in front of me… The one with promise and hope… Although, that promise and hope seemed invisible at the time.

I found it hard to enjoy the flowers as they blossomed that first spring remembering how much Bruce looked forward to that whole season. After so many years of Michigan winters, spring always brought a smile to his face that lasted the entire season.

While singing had always been a huge part of who I was as a person, suddenly, I couldn’t do it. Music had always held so much joy for me, but without Bruce, joy only brought guilt… and I literally couldn’t bring myself to sing for years.

Why am I telling you this now? … Because in the last few years, I am finally learning to enjoy life again – without the guilt from before. With lots of love and patience from friends and family, I am finally able to drop all the self-chastisement and “give myself permission”, if you will, to not only live again, but to actually enjoy the process… To look for the little things that bring me joy and to say thank you to the Divine for each and every one…

And with spring finally here again, I can look at all the beautiful reminders of life and know – truly know deep in my heart – that life is still beautiful and wonderful… and something to be treasured as I truly and completely live each moment I am given.

“When my own mama died, I spent a lot of time on the beach staring at the water until I learned what I was supposed to. And I did. I finally figured out that when the waves come ashore and wipe away all the footprints, it’s like God telling you that starting again is part of life.”
~ Karen White, The Sound of Glass

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.