Peace, Love & Grief – There is a peace that comes with acceptance, and a love that is always remembered

Peace, Love, and Grief – Memorial Days

Memorial Day… In Michigan, this weekend was always the true beginning of summer. It was as if someone flipped a switch. Overnight, we seemed to go from cold and dreary to warm and sunny. It was also the weekend when Bruce and I took the sailboat out of storage from the winter.

We would spend the weekend getting her cleaned up, sails set, motor and rudder set, lines tested, and all the other tasks involved to get her ready for the summer… And some years, if we were lucky, we would have time for at least one sail out on Lake Michigan before settling her into her slip at the marina for the summer.

It probably sounds crazy to say it was fun, but it was. Sure, it was a weekend of hard work, but it was also a weekend of fun anticipation for the summer ahead. We both loved being on the water and sailing. I grew up sailing (albeit much smaller boats), and Bruce had taken up sailing after his divorce from his first wife. It was something we both loved sharing with each other.

I remember our first Memorial Day together… We were still just dating at the time. However, we had met five months earlier on an old sailing schooner, so the language and passion were something we had shared from the very beginning.

That first year, Bruce asked me to come to Michigan for the holiday weekend. He was excited to have someone, who shared his passion for the wind and water, to not only share in the annual ritual of preparing the boat for the season, but also to help him christen the boat with her permanent name, Island Buoy.

We had only been together a few months, so I wasn’t surprised that he started the day questioning how much experience I really had vs how much I said I had. He wasn’t rude or mean, just looking for confirmation. It didn’t take long, though, for him to realize that other than a few questions related more to the size of the boat, than anything else, we were both on similar ground in regard to knowledge and ability.

It was a great weekend. We managed to get her ready for the summer ahead and get her name on the hull, before christening her with a bottle of champagne and moving her into her summer slip. That year, we didn’t manage to get a sail in, but we were able to grill some burgers on her deck at the marina before the sun set.

It was a beautiful day… Nothing over-the-top, and yet, that is exactly what makes this memory so precious to me – the simplicity of that weekend… and the fact that it was followed by many more similar weekends throughout the years… So many other Memorial Day weekends spent in just the same way.

For me, it is these normal, simple days and activities that I miss most… The security of knowing that this “ritual” was how we started each and every summer. This day of hard work mixed with excitement and laughter… A day that was repeated each year… A day of simple, ordinary things and simple, ordinary conversations… A day that I would give my soul to experience again…

Those ordinary days… Those ordinary conversations… Those are the things I seem to miss the most.

Sail on, Babe! I love you!!

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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Just Hold Me

I am alone…
All alone.
No longer is there someone to listen at the end of a bad day.
No longer are there arms to hug me or lips to kiss away the hurt.
No longer is there someone to say, “I love you… that’s all we need.”
All that greets me is silence, emptiness, and my own thoughts…
~ Linda, Sept 2013

Most of us learn pretty quickly on this path that when someone we love dies, (particularly a partner), you don’t just lose the person or relationship. No… You lose all kinds of things – all the different roles that person filled in your life. I remember going to a grief support group and one of the first things they had us do was to list all the things that other person did. For example, Bruce had always handled the taxes. That first year I almost missed filing mine because Bruce had always done it. He was our tax-guy. (I am not a tax person at all. So now, every year, I hire someone to fill that role and prepare my taxes.)

I know it sounds weird and maybe even a little heartless or un-emotional, but it is reality. When Bruce died, all those roles and tasks that he had handled were now mine… and I struggled to remember all those things that were not in the forefront of my mind, especially through the fog of grief.

I ended up with sticky notes all over the house to remind me to do those things, such as locking the door and unplugging appliances before going to bed… or cleaning the cats’ litter boxes… or taking the garbage can to the street on trash day. All small things… all important things… and all things I was NOT used to thinking about.

But those are not the only things we lost when Bruce died. I know each family member and friend had their own relationship with Bruce, which means we all lost and grieve different things. The past few weeks I have been craving an aspect of our relationship that I haven’t really thought about in a while…

As you have read many times, I often refer to Bruce as my “gentle giant”. He was a body-builder so he was quite muscle-bound – my giant. He was also the kindest, most gentle person I have ever met. He was always aware of our size difference. (I’m kind of little and was even smaller back then.)

So, I went from a man who was completely not self-aware and thought it was funny to physically hurt others, to a man who was very self-aware of his physique and went out of his way not to hurt anyone, (unless it was about protecting those he loved). Hence… my gentle giant.

What I have been missing is how he used to hold me in his arms… Whenever times were rough – whether a bad day at work, a hard conversation with one of the kids, or a threat from my ex – he would see my face (and the tears in my eyes), and hold out his arms. I would enter that safe space and simply say, “Just hold me… please,” … And he would. For as long as I needed, without words and without rushing me through my own processing in that moment, he held me…

God, how I miss that.

I don’t know why I have been craving that the past couple of weeks, but I have. Nothing is going wrong. Life is good. I am happy. I am also tired… and anxious about how “we the people” are currently treating each other with such disrespect and hate. I guess, now that I wrote that out, I realize that is why I am craving that safe space in his arms.

I find myself (several times a day) whispering, “I miss you, Babe… Just hold me… Please, hold me.” Of course, there is never a response and life moves on… Somedays I have cried at that point, and other days I have done some journaling or gone for a walk… None of it takes the place of what I crave, but it does allow me to process whatever is happening within my heart at that time.

I also know this… When my time comes, and Bruce and I are together again, I think the first thing I am going to say is, “Just hold me… please, just hold me.”

Sometimes I can’t breathe for the pain of it.
Other times I smile and laugh at the thought of our memories.
You were always that way…
Making me smile or laugh when I wanted to cry…
When the pain was so bad.
Now my heart hurts…
Truly, physically hurts with the missing of you.
I feel your soul.
I know you are here,
But I need to SEE your eyes and your smile;
Feel the comfort of your arms.
I want to breathe in your presence,
And feel your love in all these things.
But that isn’t to be…
All I have are the memories;
The memories of our love…
And …
Sometimes I can’t breathe for the pain of it.
~ Linda, Oct 2013

Note: You may have noticed, I didn’t post a blog last week. I took the time to spend Mother’s Day weekend with family. I considered stepping away and writing. However, I ultimately decided that my time here with them is precious, and I just wanted to enjoy and treasure the opportunity for us to create some precious memories.
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

Peace, Love, and Grief – It’s Not Just About Me

“If you can’t see the Divine in everyone, you can’t see the Divine in anyone.” ~ Rev. Richard Rohr

Last weekend, while driving home from a retreat, I was chatting with my fellow passengers, and while I can’t for the life of me remember how the topic came up, I found myself admitting that sometimes I am still angry at Bruce for dying. Not for the same reasons I was angry when he first died, though. No… Just as I have said here before, sometimes I am angry that he left me here alone to figure out how to navigate all of this crap (for lack of a better word) that seems to be taking place in our world day by day and minute by minute.

There are so many days when it all just feels too overwhelming for words. Not checking the news while we were in Key West was fantastic! For a whole week, I felt like I could breathe…really breathe… for the first time in a long time.

From KW, I went straight to the retreat. So I guess it just hit me on the car ride home, that I would need to go back to reality… go back to monitoring how much crap I let into my psyche and how much I leave alone… Trying to figure out how much is enough to understand what is happening without feeling overwhelmed and going down a rabbit hole.

… And I may have felt a little bit angry (again) that Bruce isn’t here for a hug or a kind word or reassurance when it all feels like too much. Humans are social creatures, after all. So managing all of this stuff alone… is hard sometimes.

By Sunday night as I crawled into bed, the tears were flowing. I was tired of all of the anger and hate that seems so prevalent these days. (It just hurts my heart!) By Monday, when I wrote in my journal, I was downright depressed, and I wasn’t sure how to pull myself out of it.

Then, as if on cue… (or maybe even from Bruce in some odd way) … Things started popping up in my readings all week…

First, I finished reading, Grounded, by Diane Butler Bass. It has been an interesting spiritual book. (No, I am not trying to sell it or get you to read it. I am simply giving her credit.) The book is about seeing the Divine differently. Rather than “elevator/vertical” faith that sees God as “up there” somewhere, it is about shifting to a more intimate faith… a faith that sees the Divine in all things – the dirt, the water, the sky… and our communities, both local and global.

In other words, seeing the Divine in others. Not just the ones who look like me or think like me… Not just the ones who are easy to love and get along with… But seeing the Divine in all others.

A couple of days later, I came across this quote in my devotions: “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” ~ Frederick Buecher

That felt like more of that same Divine calling… To not be so caught up in me, and my needs. A reminder that all of Mother Earth and her creatures are also witnessing and/or experiencing the same things I am. We may all have different perspectives, but ultimately, we are all in this… And wouldn’t it be so much better to pool our strengths in order to diminish our struggles? To remember that “No man is an island…”, and work together?

And finally, this morning… As I opened one of my daily readers, Earth Medicine by Jamie Sams, I found my path, (or what I am meant to do), concerning what is happening… She wrote, “Any dream that does not include everyone is a vision created from limited perception, or in some cases, greed.” Then, in the final paragraph she asked, “When is the last time you remembered to include the needs of every single human in your prayers or in your vision of what the future should become?”

Wow! That was eye-opening for me…

It isn’t only about seeing the Divine in all things and all people… It is about including all of it in my dreams and my prayers… It is about remembering that although Bruce is not here, I am not alone in this… None of us are.
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Another Day in Paradise

Writing that title, I realize that it may come across as sarcasm, and while that is not my intent, I can’t say that it is wrong either. I mean it sincerely, in that I just spent most of the last week in Key West, which is MY paradise. At the same time, another day without Bruce is not paradise, and hence the sarcasm… Hmmm… I think I will need to sit with that a while this afternoon and see where I land.

However… today is about key West. I was trying to count while I was down there, and I think it was trip 13 for me… Obviously, there is something there that just keeps calling me back… Maybe it is the fun we always have there. Maybe it is the relaxation that is just a part of the vibe there. Or maybe it is all of the precious memories that have been made there through the years.

This past week was my 4th trip there with my son. It was a great week spent relaxing by the pool, and eating, drinking, and people watching at our favorite spots. However, today I want to backtrack to those first few trips almost two decades ago, probably because those two trips kept playing through my mind this past week…

Bruce’s two sisters went every year. It was their “girls’ trip” and the stories they returned with were hilarious! I listened in awe to what felt immensely courageous to me – to go somewhere for several days and just have fun – nothing to do but relax and enjoy the time away.

The first time I listened to these stories, Bruce and I had only been married for a few months. That same year, they gave us some gift certificates to a few restaurants and told us that we should go, too. That did not take much persuasion. A few months later, we were off on our own adventure. We flew into Miami, rented a car, and started the beautiful drive south – to Key West.

Bruce had found us a quaint little retro motel in the heart of the city, where we spent the day by the pool. Then, at night, we went to dinner and explored the city. Some of my favorite memories from that trip include Bruce introducing me to my first Mojito – still one of my favs, and running in the rain back to the hotel one night after “dressing up” for some “fine dining”. (Keep those terms relative to the whole KW vibe.) We both laughed so hard as we dodged the rain – running from one covering to the next and still managing to get absolutely soaked!

Almost a year later, I came home from work to find Bruce talking to one of his sisters, “Absolutely! She would love that.”

“What will I love?” I asked as he hung up.

“My sisters want you to go on their KW trip with them this summer,” he responded with a big ole grin.

My reaction was… “No, thank you.”

This is where I am going to try to explain, although I’m not sure it will make sense…

You see, it wasn’t that I disliked his sisters. They were always nice to me. However, even after a year of marriage, I didn’t feel like I knew them that well. We got along at family dinners and get-togethers, but we lived too far apart to see each other often enough to build a deep relationship.

As far as Bruce was concerned, though, that was all the more reason to go. He truly wanted the three of us to have a good, solid relationship, and what better way than a week together at the beach? Besides, he argued, it would be good for me to see that it’s okay to get away and “let my hair down”. As far as he was concerned, I had been through too much and I needed to learn that it is okay to relax… okay to simply enjoy life.

My next hesitation was the fact that I had never been accepted by my ex’s family. His parents and most of his siblings had made it quite clear that I was not an accepted part of the family… I was simply their son’s/brother’s wife, but nothing more… and eventually, I gave up trying. So, in my mind, there was still a lot of those feelings of being rejected. It felt safer to keep my distance. As long as we could “get along” that was more of a relationship than I had ever had with my previous in-laws.

Again, Bruce was adamant. He loved his sisters. He loved me. He wanted the three of us to learn to love each other, too.

I was still terrified to go, so I pulled the last card I had – finances. I had just lost everything I owned a few short months before Bruce and I married. I was still recovering from that… Plus, while I had a good job, I also had kids who still needed whatever support I could manage. How could I possibly excuse a trip to the Keys (flight, hotel, food, etc.) when I had so many other financial responsibilities that were much more important?

Next thing I knew, I received a phone call from Bruce’s Mom…

She was just as adamant as Bruce that this trip was a good thing, and the next thing I knew she was telling me, (not offering or asking – but telling me), that they would pay for me to go and the money was already on its way.

I was stunned!! Who were these amazing people who seemed to truly want good things for me?

So… here I was – out of excuses, yet, absolutely terrified to go. What if things went sideways? What if they ended up hating me? If things went wrong, I would be stuck. There would be no leaving early if things got awkward.

Emotionally, I was a wreck. Bruce never asked for much of anything. Therefore, I knew that if he was insisting that I go this was something truly important to him. At the same time, my self-confidence at this point was a whopping “zero”. I just knew I was not going to be enough… I was not going to live up to anything they thought would be good enough for their brother and definitely not their friendship.

I remember just falling apart. I would go, because everyone was so insistent… But, I also knew I would fail. This was going to be a train wreck, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

That was when Bruce came up with a solution… Something that gave me the confidence to go, and also provided some security that everything would be okay… even if I managed to mess things up. So… this sweet man went too, but not with us. In fact, I was the only one that knew he was there. He arrived the day after and left the day before. He checked in throughout the week – keeping tabs on how things were going, as well as where we were (or where we were heading next), so that we wouldn’t run into him.

To his credit, that gesture gave me the confidence I needed to relax and just be me… It was a great week and the first of many “sister trips” to Key West. He was also right… His sisters are wonderful and still a significant part of my life to this day. The late-night talks when traveling or visiting each other, plus their non-judgement and encouragement to just “be me” have continued to be a huge part of my healing and growth.

And to give credit to Key West… With all of these precious memories made there, it will always be “paradise” in my mind.

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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Another Birthday

Note: I am posting a little early this week due to a full weekend ahead, but since I didn’t post last weekend, hopefully this is okay.

As I stated a couple of weeks ago, Bruce’s birthday was last weekend. I took some time away from my normal responsibilities and spent some time with family and some quiet time alone (with Bruce). Per my norm, today I am sharing the letter I wrote to Bruce while sitting quietly on our beach…

Hi Babe,

Happy Birthday! 66?! Wow!! It’s hard to believe! (Especially, since you will forever be so much younger in my mind.)

I am currently sitting by the ocean thinking of you… missing you… such sweet memories. On the drive out, all I could think about was all the Sundays driving out here together – windows rolled down to enjoy the salt air, music playing (jazz or blues… or Buffet). God, how I miss that!

It has been too long since I’ve been out here with you… and I don’t really know why. This is where my soul feels you. This space fills me with so much peace – so many memories of lazy Sundays spent quietly holding hands as we napped or simply sat and watched the tide go out or work its way back in.

Sigh… and the tears start… I miss you so much!

I always said (and still say) that you were (and still are) my hero But have I ever told you why? Yes, I know I have said that you brought healing to our lives, but that is “quick” answer. There is so much more to it.
When we met, I was scared… absolutely scared… Between the culture I was raised in and the violence and chaos of my first marriage, I had been taught that I shouldn’t trust myself. Shoot, if you can’t trust yourself how in the world are you supposed to survive in this world?

I had been taught that (as a female) my “gut” couldn’t possibly be right. I was 40 before I realized how ludicrous that was. That was when I left _(my ex)__ … That was when I stepped out on my own… That is when I learned to look at the world with my eyes wide open.

I was scared. I felt alone… and I had four kids looking to me for guidance to get through it all.

Then, you came along. Not only did you give me a safe space to land, but you also taught me (or showed me) how to trust myself. You helped me learn to trust myself. What a gift!

When you died, I didn’t think I could do this by myself. I didn’t want to do it by myself. I stumbled at times… And I got stuck more than once. Yet, through it all, I have heard your voice in my soul – giving encouragement, guiding my distrust of self to a place of confidence. I can’t even begin to think of where I would be today, if you hadn’t walked into my life…

Happy Birthday to you… my gentle giant… my hero… my love.

Life moves on.
Yet, my love for you
Remains as strong and real
As the day you left.
I hear you in my heart.
I feel you in my soul.
Some days there are smiles.
Some days there are tears.
And some days there is both.
But that’s okay.
It just means the love is still there…
And that gives me comfort to keep going.
~ Linda, April 2026

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – A Conversation of Sorts

This past week, a reader (or possibly AI… I struggle to tell the difference) sent a message with several questions – some directed at past blogs and some at more current ones… I don’t think it was meant as a challenge to what I have written. (Or, at least, it didn’t sound that way, and I didn’t take it that way.) It felt more like someone seeking to understand. They didn’t want it published with their name, so I thought I would try to address some of those questions here today.

Before I answer, though, I want to clarify something… The only thing that makes me an expert at grief is that fact that I grieve the loss of my husband, Bruce. This means whatever I write is only about my experience – what I feel, what I do, what I learn, etc. Then, I openly share it here with all of y’all with the idea that maybe something I write will strike a chord with one of you, and… maybe that will be helpful on your own journey.

That being said… let’s look at this message a little bit at a time…

“This is such a powerful reflection on pain and growth. I love how you describe shifting focus from what’s frozen to what’s changing—it’s a mindset I’ve been trying to adopt too. The part about learning to laugh again without guilt really hit me; grief has a way of making joy feel forbidden, doesn’t it?”

I have written about the guilt I felt the first time I laughed after Bruce died… There was something about knowing that life had continued and something in that moment… a moment without Bruce… a moment Bruce never had to chance to experience… something in that moment I had found not only enjoyable, but so enjoyable I had laughed.

I was so ashamed of myself. I felt absolutely horrible. I felt greedy for not only allowing myself to enjoy that moment, but for wanting to enjoy that moment. It was quite a while before I found myself in a state of healing where I could actually laugh without all of that baggage… And the biggest healer was remembering how much joy Bruce found in making me laugh.

He had such a subtle sense of humor, and it was easy for something to float right by me, which HE found funny. I really miss that devilish grin he would get when he was “pulling my leg” or had gotten one over on me, and I was clueless… I miss that so much. However, now I laugh (and smile) a lot… I know it is good and healthy to enjoy laughing… I know Bruce would want me to enjoy life… So, in a way, when I laugh now, I am laughing for both of us… and that feels kind of nice.

“You mention Bruce’s spiritual influence—do you think his perspective would’ve changed how you processed things earlier, or was timing just not on your side?”

Good question… and all I can really say is “I don’t know.” I do know that I wouldn’t be where I am in my faith currently without his influence. I grew up in what I now consider a strict dogma religion and as an adult moved into another strict dogma religion. In both, I pushed back on a lot of the doctrine that didn’t make sense. I spent a lot of time trying to be what I was told I should be rather than learning to just be me. I think that was Bruce’s biggest influence… He showed me that I was loveable and loved just like I am… just as the Divine created me. I wasn’t meant to fit in those boxes of doctrine… and that is more than okay.

After his death, I spent years deconstructing my faith, and I am still reconstructing my faith day by day. I like that… I don’t need to have all the answers. After all, isn’t that why it is called “faith”? It is something that leads me to grow and explore daily. It feels fresh every morning.

Would I have gotten here if any of my life’s circumstances had been different? I will never know, will I? Instead, I focus on that fact that I am here… and Bruce was one of the biggest influences on this journey.

“… the idea of “freezing your horizon” is fascinating—have you found specific practices that help “thaw” it, or does it happen naturally with shifting focus?”

I mentioned the idea of “freezing your horizon a couple of months ago. I was referring to the idea that after Bruce died, I struggled to see a future without him… I thought I would be in deep grief for the rest of my life. Hope was non-existent. My grief was not just overwhelming, it was paralyzing.

I took me years before I could find another way to look at my future. (I am pretty sure I hid in my house for 10 years before I ventured out.) That shift in my focus didn’t happen overnight… It came hand-in-hand as I started reconstructing my faith. It was such a gradual process that I didn’t even realize what had happened until years later… (just a few months ago actually).

“One thing I’m still wrestling with: you say pain doesn’t create suffering, but the story we tell ourselves does. Does that mean suffering is optional, even when loss isn’t? Because some days, that feels impossible.”

I agree… and there are still days when it feels impossible. However, I learned a guiding principle a few years ago. When I first heard it, it kind of made me mad… really mad, if I am honest.

The principle is this – “Our thoughts create our experience.” At first, I thought it was insinuating that I had somehow caused Bruce’s death and all of this grief by simply thinking a thought in my own head… (a thought I had never considered before he died). That felt cruel and ridiculous… like blaming the victim.
However, after sitting with that phrase for a while, I realized that it is simply talking about our experience in life is a reflection of how we choose to look at each situation… It is about trying to find that “silver lining” even when (or especially when) if feels impossible.

It is a challenging way to live, and I am not always successful. However, what I have learned is this… Our feelings are valid. We need to feel them, sit with them, and process them in order to heal. Feeling them is easy… Sitting with them is where I can get stuck if I’m not careful. Processing them is that part that allows me to look for something positive around me. Maybe the positive thing is outside of the hard situation… But finding that positive thing – no matter how small, is how I have managed to keep moving forward and healing.

“Would love to hear your thoughts—your honesty here is so refreshing.”

Thank you for your kind words. These are simply my thoughts. They may hold something helpful for someone… or they may not. All I am doing is sharing where I was and where I am on this journey. Who knows where I will be tomorrow? Who knows where any of us will be?

All we can do is take a breath, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and try to be a little bit better tomorrow than we were today.

Next week: I will be taking a break next weekend. It is Bruce’s birthday weekend. I have no idea how I will feel, but I am taking some time away from the world. I just need to disconnect for a few days and see where I land.
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Finding Joy

All of my “growing up” years and into my early adulthood, the men around me were quite conservative when it came to color. Neutral tones, like browns, and the occasional navy blue were their “go-to”. When I met my first husband, khaki pants, a white shirt, and a navy-blue blazer seemed to be the outer edges of any experimentation into the use of color.

However, the women in my life taught me early on about the emotional expression that comes with color… I love color – and not just in my wardrobe. In fact, up until just a few years ago, I was constantly painting and repainting the walls in our homes, as well as spending summers painting murals in children’s bedrooms for some summer cash (since I was a teacher at the time).

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times through the years, I expressed that I wanted a red car. Don’t ask me why… It’s not my favorite color, and I can’t give a succinct answer. All I can say is that red cars made me smile… such a bold color… such a happy color.

However, my whole life I was told, “You don’t want a red car,” followed by whatever reason they didn’t want a red car. So, even our cars were purchased in those same colors – white, beige, or (if someone was feeling bold) light blue. (Just to make a point, I did finally get my red car a few years ago – Go me!)

So… when I met Bruce, I expected him to be the same. I remember, after the cruise and before I ever went up to Michigan, Bruce would talk about how he wanted to paint his barstools and the walls in his condo bright colors to combat the gray Michigan winters. I remember smiling and thinking, “Sure, you do,” without putting a lot of stock in what he was saying at all.

Then, a couple of months later, I flew to Michigan for a long weekend. (We both wanted to see if this relationship was going to actually become something more.) Bruce met me at the airport wearing jeans, a white T-shirt, and a navy-blue jacket. (No surprise there.)

Now imagine my surprise when we walked up to his Ford Ranger truck… and it was red!! I remember him saying something about how he had washed and cleaned it that day (at the advice of his daughter), but with all the snow, salt, and muck on the roads, it didn’t look like it. I didn’t care… Already this man was appearing to be something different than I had ever experienced before.

And that never stopped… Through time, I learned that he loved color just like I did. He had colored sheets, colored undies, colorful clothing (including tie-dyed tees), and… true to his word, we painted those condo walls (although I preferred the barstools left as raw wood, so he conceded on those).

Now, let’s bring ourselves up to the current time…

After Bruce died, I pulled inward… a lot. Social events were a struggle – I didn’t know how to function as a (now) single person who still felt married. It took years (about 10 to be exact) before I finally started getting out in my community and looking for my “tribe”. However, once I did, it didn’t take too long to find the space where I belong… and the friendships and healing I have found here have been wonderful.

That brings me to last night…

I was on my way to Winter Springs to play Mah Jong with some friends. We are all learning and get together 1 – 2 times a month to play and enjoy some dinner and fun conversations. As I was leaving my little town, I found myself thinking of Bruce and what Friday nights had entailed when he was alive. The thoughts weren’t sad – just nostalgic… sweet, precious memories floating in and out of my consciousness.

As I pulled up to a stoplight, I found myself behind (you guessed it) a red Ford Ranger… with Michigan plates!! Yes, I know it was just a stranger in a truck… However, at the same time, it felt like a sign from Bruce that I am not alone… He is still nearby… He is watching over me and loving me even if I can’t see or hear him.

I can’t even begin to tell you the absolute joy I felt in those few moments as I sat there staring at the back of that truck. (I may have even taken a picture of it just so I can remember that moment.)

As we pulled away from the light, and I started the hour drive to my night of fun, it dawned me… Maybe there was something more to be taken from that moment… Maybe Bruce (who was always about the simple things) was trying to remind me of the importance of finding joy in each moment – even the simple moments like sitting at a stoplight… That life will do what life does.

There will be moments of happiness and grief, laughter and tears… But joy is something deep inside… And when life feels overwhelming (which if you watch the news, it can certainly feel that way), it is important – NO… it is absolutely necessary to look around and notice those things that can spark some joy in your heart… and then hang onto that spark… at least until you notice the next one.

Thank you, Babe, for the reminder…
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Who I Was

“I believe the hardest part of healing after losing someone you love is to recover the “you” that went away with them.” ~ Kelly’s Treehouse

This quote has been posted a few times on our Face Book page… Why? Because for so long that was the goal… That is what I thought healing was all about. If somehow, I could find my way back to who I was before Bruce died, then I would know I was healed. So, that became my destination on this path.

I spent years trying to get there… Trying to regain the me who loved this man with all her heart.

Everything in me missed and grieved Bruce, but that wasn’t all. There was so much more to grieve… I missed my best friend. I missed my lover. I missed my sailing partner. I missed my travel buddy. I missed the companionship. I missed the laughter. I missed watching his relationships with my kids flourish. I missed watching him get down on the floor and play with our grandson. I missed doing everything with him, and I missed sitting in silence and doing nothing with him. I missed being made to feel that I was the most important person in his world. I missed being loved.

… And this list could go on forever.

“And life goes on. It was not the same, but it went on.” – associated with Robert Frost

As time went on, I began to realize how true this quote actually is… Whether I wanted to participate or not, life had continued to move forward. As much as I wanted… no needed it to slow down and let me regain my equilibrium, it did not. I felt like I was constantly 100 yards behind, running to catch up, but too hurt and tired to actually care if I did or not.

There have been a lot of emotions through the years, but I think the biggest one… the one I still struggle to embrace is trust… I desperately want to trust life again. I know I can’t live my life fully until I do. Yet, at the same time, I just don’t… I am terrified of that moment when I once again lose someone I love. I know the odds are that this will be a reality, but I don’t know if I can do this again… It has been too much at times.

And now, I am such a different person than I was… Even my strengths and fears are different. I’m not even sure, the old me would recognize this new me… Yet here I am… Thirteen years on this journey and I have finally realized that I will never go back to who I was. That is an impossibility.

“Two things in life change you and you are never the same… Love and Grief.” – Unknown

Falling in love with Bruce changed me… and losing him also changed me. I’m not saying those changes are all good… nor are they all bad. They are just changes.

Then, this week I was listening to a podcast and a phrase stuck out for me… I jotted it down as I realized that this is something I have not done up to now. Yet, it is something I think I need to do next on this journey…

For years, I wanted to regain who I was. Recently, I have accepted that I can never go back to who I was. However, in order to move forward, I think I need to take a little bit of time to mourn that loss, too… the loss of who I was.

I need to sit with that, process it (which will likely mean journaling all the stuff that bubbles up inside), and then… let it rest.

I would say “let it go”, but I have learned that one never completely lets the sadness of loss go. You learn to work through it, and you learn to manage it. But there will always be a part of you that feels a longing for what was.

So… That is my goal over the next few weeks… To let myself mourn the loss of who I was… Then, I am guessing… hoping, it will feel a little bit easier to accept who I have become… And, who knows… Maybe in that part of the journey, I will finally find myself learning how to trust life once more.
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – An Open Fist

“You can’t grasp anything with a closed fist.” ~ Indira Gandhi

I have seen some rendition of this quote on many occasions throughout my life. I also felt I understood that it is referring to being open and willing to accept opportunities and others as they enter my life.

This week, it showed up in one of my morning readings. However, this time, there just seemed to be something more to it, that I needed to process. So, I sat with it a while… I mediated on it… I jotted it down… I thought about it continuously throughout the day.

At times, I found myself thinking of other people in my life. People who can always find something wrong in life… always – no matter what. (Isn’t that such human nature? To think of someone else to apply this to, rather than doing the hard work of looking at myself.) Thank goodness, I didn’t spend a lot of time there. I knew with complete certainty that there was something there for me… something I needed in that phrase. I can’t explain it, but I knew it… So, I continued dwelling on it into the evening.

As I was crawling into bed that night, (which by the way was super early because the time change left me exhausted), it finally started to dawn on me…

I know I am an introvert. I also know that since Bruce died, that trait has expanded. For the first ten or so years after his death, I was perfectly content to stay home and let the world go by. I had my family and a few close friends… I wasn’t really interested in anything more.

However, after my daughter and grandson moved out, I decided that I needed to push myself. I needed to get out and find my space in the community. I started taking Yoga and Zumba classes. I found a church where (to my surprise) I fit in. So, in the past few years, I have come to love this little town.

This week, though, I came to realize that there are still some areas of my life where I have kept a “closed fist”. Not socially… I am talking about acceptance… Acceptance that this is my life.

Acceptance of this path is hard, though. I know what I had. I know what I miss. Yet, by continuing to dwell on those things, I am closing my eyes to all of the wonderful things life is placing in my path every day… I am realizing that by constantly looking for things to hold in gratitude, I am seeing more and more things to hold in gratitude… And that gratitude lets me see clearly all of the abundance that surrounds me.

Yes… Bruce is gone. Yes… I miss him. Yes… I would give my soul to have him back.

At the same time, I also know, my life is still continuing, and how I choose to live it is completely up to me. It is in my hands… I know that until I learn to love this life, I am destined to be miserable… And who in the world wants that? … Not me…

So, it is up to me… Each day, I need to choose… Will I keep my fist closed and shake it at my future? Or will I open my fist and embrace this abundant life I am given each morning?
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – A Letter to You

I would start today with, “Dear Reader…”, but I believe that phrase will sound like the start of a current Netflix series. So instead, let me just start with, “Hello, my friends”.

To start, let me explain that this blog goes to several sites, such as the PLG website, Facebook, and a website local to me. While I get feedback and responses from all of the sites, Facebook is the only one that gives me statistics in real time. This means I get a notification each time someone interacts with the page, which also includes alerting me to new followers.

So… let me back up here… I started this page at the suggestion of an old acquaintance – someone from childhood who popped in and out of my life only long enough to give this suggestion. Admittedly, when I started this blog, I knew it was mostly for me… it allowed me a weekly space to express my grief, as well as a chance to share my experiences with other people experiencing loss… but… mostly a space to express my grief.

I never planned for it to be anything more. In fact, every year when it comes time to renew all of the apps and programs that I need to do this, I reiterate my vision and renew my vow that if this blog is helpful to even one other soul, then I will keep writing.

This is where it gets complicated in my heart, which really hit me hard this week…

You see, each time someone new finds us through FB and I receive that notification, it comes with a “congratulations” of sorts for the “increase” in followers. It also means I receive pushes to “do more” to increase those numbers.

But here is what I see… Each of those “followers” that FB wants to celebrate is a person – a living, breathing person, and each person is hurting and struggling… each person is mourning a loss… a loss no one wanted or requested. In other words, each person coming to this page is doing so out of pain… something I would never wish on anyone.

Right now… across all sites and by best guestimates, there are several thousand of us… That is a lot of hurt.

That is where I have mixed emotions. On the one hand, I am so very thankful that this has become a safe space to share our grief. At the same time, I am So very sorry for the pain each of us has experienced, (and likely still is).

Each time I see a new number and/or name pop up, I find myself stopping my day and saying a quick prayer of healing and comfort for that person… and on more than one occasion, I have shed a tear (or more) for that person… and for the rest of us.

Grief is hard… Being on this part of our journey is not something we chose. (Who in the world would??)

I guess, I just wanted all of you to know how much I care about each person here and the journey you are on. While I hate the reasons that put us all together, I am also thankful that we do have each other.
I truly care about each of you and hope that this week you are able to do whatever you need to in order to take that next step on your path.

Love always,
Linda
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief