“You can’t grasp anything with a closed fist.” ~ Indira Gandhi
I have seen some rendition of this quote on many occasions throughout my life. I also felt I understood that it is referring to being open and willing to accept opportunities and others as they enter my life.
This week, it showed up in one of my morning readings. However, this time, there just seemed to be something more to it, that I needed to process. So, I sat with it a while… I mediated on it… I jotted it down… I thought about it continuously throughout the day.
At times, I found myself thinking of other people in my life. People who can always find something wrong in life… always – no matter what. (Isn’t that such human nature? To think of someone else to apply this to, rather than doing the hard work of looking at myself.) Thank goodness, I didn’t spend a lot of time there. I knew with complete certainty that there was something there for me… something I needed in that phrase. I can’t explain it, but I knew it… So, I continued dwelling on it into the evening.
As I was crawling into bed that night, (which by the way was super early because the time change left me exhausted), it finally started to dawn on me…
I know I am an introvert. I also know that since Bruce died, that trait has expanded. For the first ten or so years after his death, I was perfectly content to stay home and let the world go by. I had my family and a few close friends… I wasn’t really interested in anything more.
However, after my daughter and grandson moved out, I decided that I needed to push myself. I needed to get out and find my space in the community. I started taking Yoga and Zumba classes. I found a church where (to my surprise) I fit in. So, in the past few years, I have come to love this little town.
This week, though, I came to realize that there are still some areas of my life where I have kept a “closed fist”. Not socially… I am talking about acceptance… Acceptance that this is my life.
Acceptance of this path is hard, though. I know what I had. I know what I miss. Yet, by continuing to dwell on those things, I am closing my eyes to all of the wonderful things life is placing in my path every day… I am realizing that by constantly looking for things to hold in gratitude, I am seeing more and more things to hold in gratitude… And that gratitude lets me see clearly all of the abundance that surrounds me.
Yes… Bruce is gone. Yes… I miss him. Yes… I would give my soul to have him back.
At the same time, I also know, my life is still continuing, and how I choose to live it is completely up to me. It is in my hands… I know that until I learn to love this life, I am destined to be miserable… And who in the world wants that? … Not me…
So, it is up to me… Each day, I need to choose… Will I keep my fist closed and shake it at my future? Or will I open my fist and embrace this abundant life I am given each morning?
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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