Tag: my life

Peace, Love and Grief… When you lose the person who believes in you…

As part of my job, I teach several leadership classes. In one such class, we discuss being aware of how others view us using pictures of houses to drive the point home. For example, there is a picture of a “normal” home which represents our view of ourselves. Then, a home where the bushes need to be trimmed and the grass needs to be cut which represents the view of strangers we pass daily. Next is a picture of an unkempt backyard representing your neighbors who can “see it all,” this would be the view of your family and close friends. Then there are pictures of a run-down shack and a treehouse built without any planning representing those people who only see the bad or the quirkiness in us. Finally, there is a castle. This represents those people who only see the good in us… Those who think we are better than maybe we think we are… Those people who believe in us no matter what.

In my life, I have been blessed to have had two people who see me as a castle. The first one was a great influence throughout my childhood… He was my grandfather. He always called me “Little Bit,” and in his eyes, I could do no wrong. He only saw the good, and he always believed I would be successful at whatever I chose to do. Because of him, as a child, I really didn’t think there was anything I couldn’t do (which for my poor mother was not always a good thing… Ha-ha). I remember talking about my dreams and goals for my future and being told “you can’t do that” by others, but I never believed them. Instead, I always believed I could, because my “Pop” believed I could.

But as life would have it, this wonderful man passed away when I was 19. I was young, and this was my first real experience with death. I really don’t remember a lot about my grief or emotions when he passed. What I do know is this was the point where I started losing confidence in myself…

At the time, I was dating my first husband, and I truly thought he would be the one who would fill that “I-believe-in-you” spot. However, through the years, what I experienced was a man who would rave about how wonderful I was one moment, only to turn around and tell me how horrible and worthless I was the next. Since his actions backed up the negative words, those were what I started to believe as well. It didn’t take long to find myself lost in a world where my own worthiness felt non-existent. In fact, for years after we parted, I could still hear his voice in my mind telling me “the world would turn a lot easier if I weren’t on it.”

Then Bruce entered my life and change began to happen. He was a man of few words, and when he spoke, he meant what he said.

One day early in our marriage, I was having a rough day… I was struggling with my own feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness… especially of not being good enough for Bruce. When he sat beside me and asked what I was thinking, I told him I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him… that he had gotten “stuck” with someone else’s left-over trash.

Without a word, he took a piece of paper, crumbled it into a ball, then spread it back out and asked, “Like this?” I nodded with tears flowing down my cheeks. Then, he tore off a very small corner of the crumbled paper and taped it to the middle of a brand new clean piece of paper. He pointed at the small bit of crumbled paper and said, “When you look at yourself, this is all you see.” Then he pointed at the clean paper and went on, “But when I look at you, this is all I see.”

Only a few words and such a simple demonstration, but it hit home… At that point, I knew this man not only loved me, he believed in me… something I had not experienced in a very long time.

Knowing that, I became so much stronger throughout our marriage. My healing had started. However, for the healing to be complete, it couldn’t stop there. At this point, my self-worth was still based on what someone else thought of me… and that is a dangerous place to be…

When Bruce passed away, once again, I felt lost without his affirmations. Because my strength and value were not coming from my core, here I was doubting myself once again. Then in a series of conversations I had with a neighbor, I was repeatedly told I “wasn’t worthy” or “special in any way.” As maddening and frustrating as these conversations were at the time, they showed me I needed to re-shape my own opinion of me… I needed to take it on and own it myself…

This was and still is a daily challenge for me. I do miss hearing Bruce tell me he was proud of me, or that he thought I was amazing even when my accomplishment might seem trivial to the rest of the world. I miss the way even his eyes seemed to smile when I would ask, “Do you love me today?” and he would pull me into his arms and answer, “I love you every day.”

I am not talking about conceit or ego or pride – not at all. Instead, I am referring to an understanding that God created me and loves me just as I am in this moment… If He can do that, I believe I need to be willing to do the same.

Losing the person who believes in you is hard… So is learning to believe in yourself… But it is a battle worth fighting… and believe it or not, no matter who you are – you are worth it!

I am me.
I am the only me that will ever be.
God made me to be unique.
This is my life –
a gift just for me from God.
No one else can live it.
No one else really knows how I should live it.
God will show me.
God will be patient and guide my steps.
I am me.
I want to live the unique life God intended for me…
A unique gift…
for me…
from God.
~ Linda, Sept. 2013

For many of us, whether you are dealing with loss or not, finding our own worthiness can be a struggle. If you are dealing with the loss of the person who believed in you, how have you handled that? OR do you need some support in that area? Would you be willing to reach out… to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the criticism (part 1)

I am me.
I am the only me that will ever be.
God made me to be unique.
This is my life –
a gift just for me from God.
No one else can live it.
No one else really knows how I should live it.
God will show me.
God will be patient and guide my steps.
I am me.
I want to live the unique life God intended for me…
A unique gift…
for me…
from God.
~ Linda, Sept. 2013

One of the first things I experienced on this grief journey that threw me for a loop was the number of people who felt the need to tell me how to live… and (in my perception) criticized me when I didn’t do things their way.

Let me back up though… This experience really does have two sides, and we have all experienced both sides. When we are on the “giving” side we call it “giving sound advice,” or “providing feedback.” We mean well, and we believe we are “being helpful.” However, when we are on the “receiving” end and did not ask for the “helpful advice or feedback,” we call it critism or judgement… and many times, it does not feel good.

In fact, at the beginning of this journey, this unsolicited advice and opinions actually made me feel worse. I found that for every piece of advice telling me to do “this,” there was someone else telling me to do “that.” Sometimes I didn’t know what I wanted and other times I knew exactly what I wanted… and the funny part is, usually it wasn’t “this” or “that.”

With that in mind, you can understand that what I perceived fairly quickly was – I couldn’t win no matter what I did, so I might as well do it my way. This was fine, but it didn’t stop the hurt. In my heart, I knew I needed to do something more.

When it comes to the details of what was said to me, I have no intention of making a list here. That is not important in this discussion. What is important is how I have learned to deal with the criticism… and that journey has been a long one.

The First Year

I’ve always hated conflict. So did Bruce… Because of that, we rarely argued. (I’m not saying this was good or bad; it is just the way it was.) As a consequesnce, I didn’t know how to navigate this new conflict in my life. I wasn’t really sure what to do with it or how to handle it.

One of the first things I had to learn to do was to distingush why some opinions mattered more to me than others. I found that it really boiled down to the relationship… did it come from someone I love, a casual friendship or merely an acquaintance?

While I’ve really never been one to bow to peer pressure, up until this time, I had always erred on the side of being a “pleaser” with those closest to me. They mattered to me… Their opinions mattered to me. Therefore, their opinions and words had a lot more impact, either positive or negative.

One of the first things I had to learn to do was to start believing in myself.

According to research, most “pleasers” tend to have a lower self-esteem. I’m not using that as an excuse. In fact, at first I didn’t really believe it. However, once I actually started “peeling the onion,” I realized I had some work to do within myself.

While I knew that my first marriage had left me doubting my self-worth and value, my marriage to Bruce had been just the opposite. He had done so much to build me up. I had become so much stronger during our time together. What I had failed to realize, though, was my self-esteem and value were now just as tightly wrapped up in what Bruce thought of me. Suddenly, without him there to keep reaffirming that, I felt lost… Because my strength and value were not coming from my core, there I was doubting myself and my own value once again.

My first step that first year was to start re-shaping and believing in my own opinion of myself. I am not talking about conceit or ego. I am referring to an understanding of the fact that God created me and loves me just as I am in this moment… If He can do that, I need to be willing to do the same. To help me accomplish this, I started an affirmation board.

I called these my “Intentions,” because it was my intention to start believing in myself without anyone else’s validation. Everytime I had a positive thought or ran across an affirming quote I would add it to the poster… I still do. In fact, it hangs in my bathroom where I can see it in the mirror as I get dressed each morning… On days when I am feeling down about myself, I read through it and remind myself that with or without Bruce, no matter what anyone else says or thinks… I have value, and I am a beloved child of God.

intentions

The next thing I had to learn that year was to distinguish where those opinions and advice were coming from… Were these words being spoken out of love and kindness? Or was it something else? While I can never know someone else’s intent, I do know if what they are saying feels respectful or not. When there is respect, I do not feel threatened or belittled. I don’t feel “shut-down” or a need to defend myself. Instead, I feel safe to discuss the topic.

So, respect became my distinguishing factor.

Was the other person respectful of my situation? My grief? Me? If the answers to these questions are “yes,” then I know I need to consider what is being said. Ultimately though, whether I agree or not is up to me… and the other person, if they are truly respectful, will be okay with that, too.

The last thing I came to understand that first year was the idea that this is my life… no one else’s.

Everyone around me may have an opinion on what they believe I should or should not do, but when all is said and done, I am the only one that will know in my gut and in my soul what is right for me… and that is the path I must take.

How do I know what that path is? This may seem over-simplified, but I ask myself two basic questions… 1. Am I at peace with this? And 2. Does this bring me joy?

When I can answer yes to these two questions, odds are I am on the right path for me.

That first year I learned to have faith and confidence in myself, to distinguish between loving words and unkind criticism and that peace and joy are indicators that I am on the right path for me. That was huge for me! I never would have thought that learning to love and accept myself would be such a huge part of my grief journey, but it has been.

In fact, I have come to understand that in every trial there is a lesson to be learned if I am open to it, because growth doesn’t happen when things are easy…

Growth happens when things get tough, and we have to stretch in order to keep moving forward.

Today, I have shared my first steps for dealing with criticism. Each year, I have gained more insight into dealing with the criticism I felt so intensely on my grief journey. Next week (God willing), I will share a little bit more in Part 2.

What about you? Did you struggle with criticism or judgement after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences, go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog. For daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.