According to the dictionary, transformation is the operation of changing from one form or expression into another.
If you think about it, we are all transformed beings… Not one of us is the same exact person we were 10 years ago, one year ago, or even one month ago. In a simple, physical sense, our cells are constantly in the process of regenerating themselves. Not a single cell from the day you were born is still in your body… At some point, they are all replaced – over and over. So, in that sense, we have been transformed.
There is also the fact that by simply living life – talking, listening, and interacting with the world brings on new experiences, ideas, and knowledge. Whether we agree with those things or not doesn’t matter. We can’t unhear or un-experience something. Instead, we might ponder it or argue about it or use it to support what we already thought, but either way, it becomes a permanent part of our inner self… which means something has changed.
Those are the “normal” ways that life helps us to grow and transform, but it isn’t the only way… Sometimes, things happen in life that create an immediate and massive transformation – one that creates a totally new creature with barely any resemblance to the previous one that inhabited our body.
It is like the butterfly in a cocoon. As a caterpillar, it was fine – munching on leaves and living its life. Then, on cue, it goes into a cocoon. It looks like a peaceful space on the outside, but on the inside, oh my, there is some messy chaos happening in there! That little caterpillar is practically liquified and then rebuilt into something completely different… Something the world looks at in awe and wonder… Something we believe is a work of beauty. For me, knowing the full story of how it got there makes that butterfly even more miraculous.
All of this got me thinking this week about how traumatic that must be for the caterpillar/butterfly to experience… how scary. Of course, then, that led me to realize just how similar it is to grief.
Like the caterpillar, we are just going along, living our lives – content and unaware of what lies ahead. Suddenly, though that life was gone… And I don’t know about you, but I completely fell apart. I became like that gooey mess in the cocoon… On the outside, people may have thought I was doing fine (all things considered), but on the inside I was a hot mess.
For years, I was stuck in that muck, trying to go back to what I was… Who I was. However, That wasn’t possible. As crazy as it sounds, it has taken me a long time to realize I can never go back to that woman I was before Bruce died. For year though, that is exactly what I wanted… I simply wanted to go back to that person I had been. My world, though, was so different – I was so different. I wanted (so badly) to live that life that had been – not this new one that I knew nothing about… Not this new one that didn’t include Bruce… Not this new one that forced me into growth and changes I hadn’t asked for and definitely didn’t want any part of.
But that’s where I was… Where I am. Like the caterpillar, there is no going back. I can’t unlive the trauma of that night or the days and years after. Those experiences forced me into a state of chaos that I didn’t think I would survive… But I have… And like you, I know that loss can be one of the most traumatic events a person can experience… And the fact that it is traumatic is exactly why the change is so absolutely complete and life altering.
So, now what?
Well, that depends. I know that I have a choice to make. I can either keep fighting what I cannot change, accept what is but refuse to see anything positive in my new circumstances, or I can be understandably sad about what I lost while still celebrating who I have become through this process.
I am not the same person… I am stronger. I am wiser. I have learned that I will make mistakes, but getting back up and trying again is where my strength lies. I don’t have all the answers – I’m still learning. I know I will have hard days, yet I also know that I will have days where I can bring joy into the world… I can do all these things and be all these things – one does not contradict the other… And just like the butterfly, I can pause and take a breath as I emerge from the chaos, as long as I continue to spread my wings and fly.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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