August 2025 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Where We Focus

Last week, I talked about how the ‘missing’ part of grief seems to remain. I stated that I wondered if it ever goes away, because I know I still feel it… Granted, it isn’t the debilitating, overwhelming emotion that it was in the beginning. Still, it is there… and it is just as real as ever.

So, as I journaled this week, I found myself pondering that very notion… Does the sadness – the missing ever stop? I don’t think so. I do, however, think it gets manageable, (for lack of a better word).

I think part of my quandary stems from something that I heard so often in the beginning… “It will get better with time.” While there is a certain amount of truth to that, it really doesn’t help as much as people may think. (At least, not for me.)

Here’s the thing… We live in a world of instant _____. Fill in the blank with pretty much anything. Let’s be real – we don’t really have to wait for very much these days. Almost everything can be attained instantly.

Can you imagine placing an order with Amazon and being told, “It will be there ‘in time’.” Or trying to purchase a plane ticket, but instead of listing arrival times, it just states that the plane will arrive ‘in time’. Or you get a new job, but when you ask about your start date, they reply with, “You will start ‘in time’.”

That all sounds kind of ridiculous, doesn’t it? Which is exactly how the “things will get better in time” hit me back then. There is no direction in that statement… No “how-to”. While it does offer a smidge of hope, there is no specific date to look for in the future when it might not hurt so badly. Just an abstract – “at some point in time it will feel better than it does right now.” (Gee… thanks… I would certainly hope so.)

Then this week, as I was trying to figure out what had changed in my world to make it “better”, something hit me. I believe that our thoughts create our experience. In other words, what I focus on will affect my emotions and, hence, my experience of life.

I also know that in the past few years, I have worked hard to focus more on the good times Bruce and I shared, instead of focusing on the night he died or the idea of facing my future without him. (That does not mean those things never cross mind. They absolutely do. However, as long as I am mindful of them, those thoughts are less frequent and less intense than they used to be.

For example, when “our song” plays on the radio, I used to cry thinking about how he will never again take me by the hand, (barefoot in the kitchen), and hold me close as we dance to that song. True, I still think about all the times he held me close, and we danced barefoot in the kitchen. However, I work hard to focus on that memory and how wonderful and precious it is… not how those times are over, (because that is precisely what leads me down into the muck).

In other words, I try to stay focused on the good times and love we shared, not the absence of those things. I work hard to hold onto how thankful I am that he walked into my life and loved me, not the fact that he is gone.

I don’t know if that makes sense, or if anyone can even relate to what I am saying. I am sure there are other experiences and ways of healing on this journey. This is just part of my experience… A conscious choice that I have to make each and every day… To focus on life – how precious it was with him and the warmth of those memories… and, also, how precious each moment is now because I get to spend it with those I love.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love, and Grief – The Beginning

Sometimes I find myself going back to my old journals and reading from those first years after Bruce passed… It may seem odd, but sometimes it is a good reminder of where I was and how far I have traveled emotionally to get where I am now.

As I was reading through that first journal this weekend, it dawned on me that during the first few months after Bruce died, I was constantly bouncing back and forth between “I miss you” and “why did you leave me”. In a lot of ways, these still seem to be the big emotional conundrums going through my head when I am having a rough day.

I guess, I have heard enough near-death stories that ended with “I was given a choice, so I came back” or “I was told my time wasn’t up, so I was sent back”. If those stories are true… if that choice is real… then the pain in thinking that Bruce made a choice to die rather than come back is more than I can bear. In the beginning, those thoughts would send me over the edge where I would struggle for days or even weeks.

Mar 14, 2013
“Today was a good day but tonight is hard. It’s a different hard, though. Tonight is more ‘I miss you’ than ‘why did you leave’… (Still, some of both but more ‘I miss you’.) I will always be thankful for every minute we had together, (even when you made me crazy, LOL), but I’ll never understand why our time had to be so short. I still love you so much!! There are so many moments when this doesn’t feel real. I can picture you here… I can almost feel your arms around me… Then, reality hits and so do the tears. I am so lonely without you… It’s you I long for every moment of every day… What am I supposed to do with that?”

Mar 16, 2013
“I miss you, Babe. Nine weeks… so long – the longest we have ever been apart – ever! I miss you so much… I love you… It’s odd how that part doesn’t stop. I think that is what grief really is – the person is gone (dead to be exact) but the love is still there. It’s like your body had a switch, but the emotions that tie us together do not. They are still here in my heart with nowhere to go.”

It’s funny… I read these entries and realized that the emotions are all actually still there… still the same…

These passages were written only three months after Bruce died, and admittedly, this is still where my heart is. I guess, I have learned to steer away from the “why did you leave me” stuff, because it hurts too much… Although, honestly, the “I miss you” stuff is hard enough.

I think time has allowed me to find better times and ways to express my grief than I did in the beginning. I like to think that I have learned how to manage it vs letting the grief manage me… But I can’t help but wonder if the missing part ever gets any better… He is still the one I want to run to and share the good things in my life. His arms are still what I crave when life is challenging.

I don’t know… I am currently 12+ years on this journey, and I would still give anything to have him back, if even for only a day… to see his smile and hear his voice one more time would be more amazing to me than anything else I could imagine.

I guess, “they” are right when they say that grief is just love with no place to go.

We trust that beyond absence there is a presence.
That beyond the pain there can be healing.
That beyond the brokenness there can be wholeness.
That beyond the anger there may be peace.
That beyond the hurting there may be forgiveness.
That beyond the silence there may be the word.
That beyond the word there may be understanding.
That through understanding there is love.
~ Author Unknown

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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Acceptance

“I live in acceptance, serenity, and peace.”
~ unity.org, Strength, Courage, and Comfort for Difficult Times

I remember when I read this quote a couple of years ago. At the time, all I could do was to ponder and question if I was ‘there’ yet, (or even close). Now, I know that there are days when this is true… and there are still days when it is a struggle… especially the ‘acceptance’ part.

This all came back to me this week when I found a small picture of Bruce tucked into an envelope long forgotten. I love the look on his face – it is one I knew all too well. It was taken at the point where there is only the hint of a smile… as if he knows something the picture taker does not – a fun and exciting secret that he isn’t quite ready to share yet.

I adore that look! It brings back so many precious memories… It also breaks my heart when reality floods back and I remember that he is gone… when I realize that I will only ever see that look in pictures now. I guess that is why this quote came back to my mind.

I remember when Bruce died and so many people kept talking about how I needed to accept this “new reality” – easier said than done, I assure you. However, over time I have learned to settle into a kind of peace that allows for some amount of acceptance – more on some days and less on others… But acceptance all the same. (Baby steps are still progress, right?)

“The word ‘accept’ is especially important because it means to let go and trust. Acceptance teaches me to have faith that God is in every situation, and the outcome will be right for all involved.”
~ unity.org, Strength, Courage, and Comfort for Difficult Times

I think it is that “let go and trust” part that I have struggled with the most.

In the beginning, I was so angry with a God that would allow this much pain… a God that would let me feel completely loved one moment and snatch it away the next. How does one trust that kind of God?

I don’t know. I still don’t have a solid answer for that.

I do know this, though… When I felt utterly alone and abandoned, I could feel the love and comfort of Spirit. When I was angry – screaming and cursing at God for allowing this to happen, I could still feel his loving arms around me like a screaming toddler feels the loving arms of an understanding parent. And when I wanted to give up and quit, I could feel the gentle prodding of a loving Spirit that gave me the courage to keep going – one more moment… one more breath.

Through all of this, I am learning that the God I thought I knew is so much more… so much bigger than I was ever taught. God isn’t just all loving; she is all love. God isn’t just watching over all things; he is in all things… By the very act of creation, there is a Divine spark in all things… Yes, all things.

I can’t explain God, (and I don’t need to), because God is too big for that… and that is where my acceptance started. Once I realized that God didn’t need to be defined or made small enough to fit in a box that makes me comfortable, I also learned to accept that there are things in this world that I may never understand while I am here, such as the connection of love that continues even after death.

And I’m okay with that. Most days, that is where I am grounded and centered… That is where I find love and joy in this world… Simply put, that is where my acceptance and peace are found.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – It’s Not Just Me

“Our grief can feel like a very lonely journey, which in many ways, it is because it is specific to us and to the one we’ve lost. It is a customized but hidden wound.”
~ John Pavlovitz, Acknowledging Our Grief Anniversaries

Currently, I work for a specialty pharmacy. In case you’ve never heard of that, it is a pharmacy that dispenses drugs that you can’t pick up at your local CVS or Walgreens. These are drugs for things, such as transplants, HIV, HEP C or even cancer drugs, including chemo drugs. In our training program, we spend time talking about compassionate patient care as we assist them on this journey. We talk a lot about how their illness can affect their quality of life and how the very medications meant to help them can also alter their life and temperament in so many way – many unseen and often misunderstood.

I think in so many ways, grief is similar… In grief, we have this deep, deep wound that we don’t know how to fix, nor do the people around us. Over time, the wound becomes less and less visible to the outside world, while on the inside, we are still trying to figure things out. Our lives are affected in more ways than we can count. Yet, as time moves on, we are expected to smile because “that’s all in the past”, and we “should already gotten over that and moved on” …

But we can’t… Not completely anyway… Instead, what we really need is some compassion – not just from others, but compassion from ourselves to ourselves, as well…

I remember in the beginning feeling like I must be the only person on the planet to feel this way… to have this much grief and not know what to do with it. Deep down, I knew that wasn’t really true, but in my small circle it certainly felt that way. When I was out and about, it was hard to look at others and remember that everyone at some point loses someone they love.

I struggled to remember that while everyone’s grief is as individual as the relationship they shared with the person who died, grief itself really is a shared experience of all humankind – no matter your race, religion, gender, economic class, or nationality… No one gets a free pass. However, until I started this blog, I really did feel alone and isolated… like being adrift in a small boat with no paddles – just drifting wherever the current took me.

I tried a national grief support program at a local church, but it wasn’t what I needed at that point… I don’t know if it was too early in my journey or if it just wasn’t what my soul was seeking. I just know I stopped attending after many weeks, because I was feeling worse about the whole ordeal – not better. Then, I tried a life coach and later counseling, which I must admit, these two things did me the most good. At the same time, as y’all know, it has still been a long, continuous, (not straightforward) process.

Like the patients that utilize our pharmacy, I think I truly just needed someone to realize (and help me realize) that this loss would forever alter who I am… There would always be the “before Bruce died” me and the “after Bruce died” me… and I could never go back.

Sure, in most ways, I am still just me… But there will always be smaller, quieter ways where I am very different from who I was… The experience changed things in my soul that cannot be undone – they just are. My task on this journey has been one of learning how this “new me” could salvage as many of the good parts from the “old me” as possible, while at the same time using the lessons of grief to grow and be a little bit better each day than the day before.

I know the process isn’t over. In fact, each time I think it is, I find there is another lesson for me on this journey… Spaces where I want to break down and cry and scream all over again… Spaces where I want to feel the safety of his arms again… Spaces where I want to feel loved like that again… Those times each hold their own challenges… but so far, I have managed to work through each one and come out on the other side as a survivor – finding my footing and striving to stay present in the loving relationships around me.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – In the Aftermath

Grief is a strange companion… It is hard. It is an unrelenting struggle…. And… If I am honest here, it has been an unexplainable way of connecting me to Bruce… Sometimes, it even feels like if I were to stop grieving, somehow it would mean I stopped loving him… Or is it really a situation where the only way to stop grieving would be to stop loving him?

I don’t know… maybe it is a bit of both.

All I know for sure is… I do still love him… I also know that the grief can be harder when I focus on him. I don’t know that my love for him or the grief I feel will ever dissipate. (Maybe I am scared to let it.) I just know that it seems to just be a permanent part of my heart… just like Bruce.

At the same time, grief isn’t the driving force in my life these days. It doesn’t define me like it did those first few years. I’m not sad all the time, nor do I cry 24/7. I have learned to enjoy this life… I treasure moments spent with those I love. I enjoy hanging out with my friends, and I love to laugh. I work passionately for causes I believe in, and I try not to get caught up in the negativity that so often can shadow our experiences.

Sure, I don’t always get it right, but that’s okay… I am my own on-going project, I suppose. (Then again, who isn’t?) However, I am learning to pause when the feeling of grief and sadness are strong. In that pause, I am learning to identify the feelings and the triggers. This, in turn, creates choices of how to respond and how to best take care of myself in that moment, which is so much healthier for me than the uncontrollable reactions that I experienced in the beginning.

As y’all know, it wasn’t always this way… This has been a long road for me. Yet, I know that my love of life was one of the things Bruce fell in love with all those years ago… I also know that because that loved that part of me, he wouldn’t want me to lose that… Instead, he would want me to lean into that… to use it for my strength when things feel hard, and to remember that life is meant to be enjoyed and treasured.

So perhaps, after all these years, I may have found a path that works… A path that allows me to still grieve and miss him, without letting that same grief determine who I am becoming in the aftermath of his death… Maybe, just maybe, this is becoming my way of honoring our love… even now.

“You are not what happened to you. In truth, you are what you decide to be in the aftermath of what hurt your heart.” ~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, Sep 26

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief