“Our grief can feel like a very lonely journey, which in many ways, it is because it is specific to us and to the one we’ve lost. It is a customized but hidden wound.”
~ John Pavlovitz, Acknowledging Our Grief Anniversaries
Currently, I work for a specialty pharmacy. In case you’ve never heard of that, it is a pharmacy that dispenses drugs that you can’t pick up at your local CVS or Walgreens. These are drugs for things, such as transplants, HIV, HEP C or even cancer drugs, including chemo drugs. In our training program, we spend time talking about compassionate patient care as we assist them on this journey. We talk a lot about how their illness can affect their quality of life and how the very medications meant to help them can also alter their life and temperament in so many way – many unseen and often misunderstood.
I think in so many ways, grief is similar… In grief, we have this deep, deep wound that we don’t know how to fix, nor do the people around us. Over time, the wound becomes less and less visible to the outside world, while on the inside, we are still trying to figure things out. Our lives are affected in more ways than we can count. Yet, as time moves on, we are expected to smile because “that’s all in the past”, and we “should already gotten over that and moved on” …
But we can’t… Not completely anyway… Instead, what we really need is some compassion – not just from others, but compassion from ourselves to ourselves, as well…
I remember in the beginning feeling like I must be the only person on the planet to feel this way… to have this much grief and not know what to do with it. Deep down, I knew that wasn’t really true, but in my small circle it certainly felt that way. When I was out and about, it was hard to look at others and remember that everyone at some point loses someone they love.
I struggled to remember that while everyone’s grief is as individual as the relationship they shared with the person who died, grief itself really is a shared experience of all humankind – no matter your race, religion, gender, economic class, or nationality… No one gets a free pass. However, until I started this blog, I really did feel alone and isolated… like being adrift in a small boat with no paddles – just drifting wherever the current took me.
I tried a national grief support program at a local church, but it wasn’t what I needed at that point… I don’t know if it was too early in my journey or if it just wasn’t what my soul was seeking. I just know I stopped attending after many weeks, because I was feeling worse about the whole ordeal – not better. Then, I tried a life coach and later counseling, which I must admit, these two things did me the most good. At the same time, as y’all know, it has still been a long, continuous, (not straightforward) process.
Like the patients that utilize our pharmacy, I think I truly just needed someone to realize (and help me realize) that this loss would forever alter who I am… There would always be the “before Bruce died” me and the “after Bruce died” me… and I could never go back.
Sure, in most ways, I am still just me… But there will always be smaller, quieter ways where I am very different from who I was… The experience changed things in my soul that cannot be undone – they just are. My task on this journey has been one of learning how this “new me” could salvage as many of the good parts from the “old me” as possible, while at the same time using the lessons of grief to grow and be a little bit better each day than the day before.
I know the process isn’t over. In fact, each time I think it is, I find there is another lesson for me on this journey… Spaces where I want to break down and cry and scream all over again… Spaces where I want to feel the safety of his arms again… Spaces where I want to feel loved like that again… Those times each hold their own challenges… but so far, I have managed to work through each one and come out on the other side as a survivor – finding my footing and striving to stay present in the loving relationships around me.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.