Writing that title, I realize that it may come across as sarcasm, and while that is not my intent, I can’t say that it is wrong either. I mean it sincerely, in that I just spent most of the last week in Key West, which is MY paradise. At the same time, another day without Bruce is not paradise, and hence the sarcasm… Hmmm… I think I will need to sit with that a while this afternoon and see where I land.
However… today is about key West. I was trying to count while I was down there, and I think it was trip 13 for me… Obviously, there is something there that just keeps calling me back… Maybe it is the fun we always have there. Maybe it is the relaxation that is just a part of the vibe there. Or maybe it is all of the precious memories that have been made there through the years.
This past week was my 4th trip there with my son. It was a great week spent relaxing by the pool, and eating, drinking, and people watching at our favorite spots. However, today I want to backtrack to those first few trips almost two decades ago, probably because those two trips kept playing through my mind this past week…
Bruce’s two sisters went every year. It was their “girls’ trip” and the stories they returned with were hilarious! I listened in awe to what felt immensely courageous to me – to go somewhere for several days and just have fun – nothing to do but relax and enjoy the time away.
The first time I listened to these stories, Bruce and I had only been married for a few months. That same year, they gave us some gift certificates to a few restaurants and told us that we should go, too. That did not take much persuasion. A few months later, we were off on our own adventure. We flew into Miami, rented a car, and started the beautiful drive south – to Key West.
Bruce had found us a quaint little retro motel in the heart of the city, where we spent the day by the pool. Then, at night, we went to dinner and explored the city. Some of my favorite memories from that trip include Bruce introducing me to my first Mojito – still one of my favs, and running in the rain back to the hotel one night after “dressing up” for some “fine dining”. (Keep those terms relative to the whole KW vibe.) We both laughed so hard as we dodged the rain – running from one covering to the next and still managing to get absolutely soaked!
Almost a year later, I came home from work to find Bruce talking to one of his sisters, “Absolutely! She would love that.”
“What will I love?” I asked as he hung up.
“My sisters want you to go on their KW trip with them this summer,” he responded with a big ole grin.
My reaction was… “No, thank you.”
This is where I am going to try to explain, although I’m not sure it will make sense…
You see, it wasn’t that I disliked his sisters. They were always nice to me. However, even after a year of marriage, I didn’t feel like I knew them that well. We got along at family dinners and get-togethers, but we lived too far apart to see each other often enough to build a deep relationship.
As far as Bruce was concerned, though, that was all the more reason to go. He truly wanted the three of us to have a good, solid relationship, and what better way than a week together at the beach? Besides, he argued, it would be good for me to see that it’s okay to get away and “let my hair down”. As far as he was concerned, I had been through too much and I needed to learn that it is okay to relax… okay to simply enjoy life.
My next hesitation was the fact that I had never been accepted by my ex’s family. His parents and most of his siblings had made it quite clear that I was not an accepted part of the family… I was simply their son’s/brother’s wife, but nothing more… and eventually, I gave up trying. So, in my mind, there was still a lot of those feelings of being rejected. It felt safer to keep my distance. As long as we could “get along” that was more of a relationship than I had ever had with my previous in-laws.
Again, Bruce was adamant. He loved his sisters. He loved me. He wanted the three of us to learn to love each other, too.
I was still terrified to go, so I pulled the last card I had – finances. I had just lost everything I owned a few short months before Bruce and I married. I was still recovering from that… Plus, while I had a good job, I also had kids who still needed whatever support I could manage. How could I possibly excuse a trip to the Keys (flight, hotel, food, etc.) when I had so many other financial responsibilities that were much more important?
Next thing I knew, I received a phone call from Bruce’s Mom…
She was just as adamant as Bruce that this trip was a good thing, and the next thing I knew she was telling me, (not offering or asking – but telling me), that they would pay for me to go and the money was already on its way.
I was stunned!! Who were these amazing people who seemed to truly want good things for me?
So… here I was – out of excuses, yet, absolutely terrified to go. What if things went sideways? What if they ended up hating me? If things went wrong, I would be stuck. There would be no leaving early if things got awkward.
Emotionally, I was a wreck. Bruce never asked for much of anything. Therefore, I knew that if he was insisting that I go this was something truly important to him. At the same time, my self-confidence at this point was a whopping “zero”. I just knew I was not going to be enough… I was not going to live up to anything they thought would be good enough for their brother and definitely not their friendship.
I remember just falling apart. I would go, because everyone was so insistent… But, I also knew I would fail. This was going to be a train wreck, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
That was when Bruce came up with a solution… Something that gave me the confidence to go, and also provided some security that everything would be okay… even if I managed to mess things up. So… this sweet man went too, but not with us. In fact, I was the only one that knew he was there. He arrived the day after and left the day before. He checked in throughout the week – keeping tabs on how things were going, as well as where we were (or where we were heading next), so that we wouldn’t run into him.
To his credit, that gesture gave me the confidence I needed to relax and just be me… It was a great week and the first of many “sister trips” to Key West. He was also right… His sisters are wonderful and still a significant part of my life to this day. The late-night talks when traveling or visiting each other, plus their non-judgement and encouragement to just “be me” have continued to be a huge part of my healing and growth.
And to give credit to Key West… With all of these precious memories made there, it will always be “paradise” in my mind.
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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