Month: November 2017

Peace, Love and Grief… Remembering to Be Thankful

Holidays are hard… There is no way to sugarcoat it… They just are…

The first Thanksgiving came 10 months after Bruce passed away. At that point, I’m not sure if I was just still too numb or if the pain was still too raw… Or a combination of both. However, I do remember I couldn’t handle the idea of a holiday celebration. I wouldn’t say I couldn’t find anything to be thankful for, but my mind was too overwhelmed with grief to even consider celebrating anything… Not with Bruce gone… I just couldn’t do it.

The next year, I was still hurting, but I did want some special time with family and loved ones, so I spent a very quiet holiday with one of my daughters and her family. It was a wonderfully simple holiday – a very good way to ease back into the idea of celebrating without Bruce. No one pushed me to do more than I felt ready to handle… A good portion of the day was spent just breathing, but there were also smiles, and with love and support, I did it… In fact, by the end of the day I knew exactly what I was thankful for – the love of my family.

The next year, I got a little braver and traveled (alone) to England to spend the holiday with another daughter and her family. Since Thanksgiving is not a holiday over there, Christmas celebrations were already beginning, (but that is another story). We had a lovely time shopping for a “bird” and “American” ingredients which were nearly impossible to find. The day itself couldn’t have been better! It was beautiful… another quiet celebration filled with love and laughter… and a few tears… But once again, I was reminded of what is really important – the people I love.

Last year was different again. My daughter and grandson had moved in with me just a few months earlier, and he was spending Thanksgiving with his father in another state. It was my daughter’s first holiday without her little Bubba, and for reasons I completely understood, we chose to spend the holiday traveling rather than celebrating with the traditional family feast. It was quiet, the beach was soothing, and the company was loving… That year, once again, it was a holiday to be “survived” rather than “enjoyed,” but we made it through… Thankful to be a family again at the end of the weekend.

This year, though, was held its own surprises. This year I felt braver and more thankful than in years past. For the first time since Bruce passed away, I wanted to go back to old Thanksgiving traditions. So, what started as a small, three-person holiday quickly became an old fashioned, “everyone’s coming” Thanksgiving. I took the week off and spent it cooking and cleaning (with my grandson’s help) in preparation. We had all the traditional foods our family loves, plus games for laughter and placemats to write what we were all thankful for. My grandson even made turkey nameplates for everyone at the table… And without telling me,  he included one for Bruce.

Including Bruce… That has become one of my traditions since he passed away… Not just remembering Bruce… But actually including him. Each holiday I set up his picture with six candles. Before we say our blessing, we light the candles and remember him. This is my way of including Bruce… But this is also where I get choked up, because this is where it becomes real that I am here, and he is gone.

“Today, we light six candles in honor of you.
1. This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It is a reminder of the depth of our love for you.
2. This candle represents our courage – to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives.
3. This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, and the caring and joy you gave us.
4. This candle is the light of love. Day by day, we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. Thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us.
5. This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you that are ours forever.
6. This candle is the light of eternity – for the day when we will see you again in all God’s glory. We will be together again. We will have healthy, whole bodies and can explore the wonders of heaven together.
May the light of the Lord be our source of hopefulness now and forever.
Amen.” **

The day was wonderful! We haven’t had a family Thanksgiving in years, and I felt continuously blessed throughout the day to be surrounded by those I love. I’ll be honest, there were a few tears shed for Bruce in quiet, private moments, but even those were followed by precious memories of past Thanksgiving celebrations with him by my side…

And an unending thankfulness to have known and loved this wonderful man.

** I found this ceremony on the internet almost immediately after Bruce passed away. I have no idea where it came from or who wrote it. All I know is this ceremony has brought me unlimited comfort on holidays, as I strive to include Bruce and remember the love we shared.

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Does anyone else have a Thanksgiving story to share? Do you have a special way of including your loved one? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Jealous?… Seriously?

“When I see someone with what I lost, I feel the pain all over again.” ~ Rev. Karen Tudor

I remember when this whole thing began… In my support group and in everything I read, I was told I would experience a plethora of emotions. Forget the stages of grief… I would definitely feel those, but it wouldn’t be the “complete the checklist and you’re better” kind of thing. Instead, it would be more like a 3-ring circus with multiple emotions happening all at once – coming and going in the blink of an eye.

In my writings, I have shared most of those feelings, but there is one I’m don’t think I have said out loud… jealousy. Yep… I hate to admit it, but that is one emotion I actually feel more often than I care to admit… and I’m not very proud of myself. It seems to show up in different forms, but it is definitely there, and usually I’m not quite sure what to do with it.

I remember the first time I felt it… I was walking into the grocery store and saw an older couple walking in – hand in hand. Shortly afterward, I was flying to (who knows where) and found myself seated next to a couple about my age, snuggled up, sharing one set of earbuds as they watched a movie together… Both times, it was so sweet… so typical of small moments Bruce and I had shared… And both times I had to look away as tears formed in my eyes. Why did they get a future together? Why not us?

I remember on one business trip, sitting at the hotel bar and listening to the elderly couple next to me flirt with each other. I don’t remember how we started talking but we ended up eating dinner together that night… As it turned out, they were both widows who had just recently married… As I shared my feelings and thoughts (and admitted feeling jealous), they were so kind. I will always remember that night, because they both left me feeling so validated… and normal.

There have been other times, though, which haven’t been as “sweet,” but also left me feeling that tinge…

Just to be clear… I’ve been married, and I know it is normal to argue with the person you love. However, there have been times when I have overheard couples being downright cruel and ugly to each other… Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous of the arguing… But I want to shake them silly, because I am jealous that they are still together… still a couple… yet, they don’t seem to appreciate it. All the while, I would give anything for one more conversation or even just one more hug…

There are other times when I listen to friends complain of boredom or lack of love in their relationships… They are only in the relationship “out of obligation”… Honestly, I’m not judging that – I’ve been there, and I get it. What I don’t understand is why Bruce and I don’t get to be together, yet here are these people who don’t even like each other… And they are still together. I know – that sounds awful… I’m not wishing for anyone else to die. I don’t get it – it just doesn’t feel fair… (And I would bet, there are many of you reading this who understand exactly what I mean.)

You’d think that would be it… but it’s not. If you are on Face Book, then I would bet you have seen those notes where people who are still very much in love with their partners will post something that says, “Share this if… you are still married to your soulmate… or you have the best husband/wife ever… or your still love your partner… etc.” I know – These are sweet, and I don’t blame them for shouting it from the mountaintops (or their Face Book feed)… I felt the same way… I guess, that’s why it hits so hard. Every time I read it, I think – “YES! That’s us! … Wait… No, not anymore… I still love him, but does it still count?” Then, I get that pit in my stomach as I scroll past, knowing that is a world where I no longer belong.

Lately several of my friends have announced new relationships or engagements… I love that! I am so excited for them. I remember when Bruce and I first met… I remember the excitement of new love and getting married. I remember feeling like I was the luckiest woman in the world… I remember feeling more loved than I had ever felt in my whole life… I remember all of that… and then, there it is once again… I feel so happy for them… and so sad for Bruce and I.

Everything I read says this is normal… My emotions are normal – they are neither good nor bad. I know it’s what I do with them that makes the difference. Still… I am embarrassed to admit that throughout the years since Bruce died, there have been many times when I have felt this way… sometimes I cry, sometimes I get quiet, and other times I smile… But always there is that tinge of pain and jealousy at what we had… and lost.

Please forgive me…

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Does anyone else out there know what I am talking about? Have you ever felt this way too? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone.

Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Happy Anniversary, Babe!

Well, it’s that time of year again. This past week Bruce and I would have celebrated our 12th anniversary… together. Instead once again, I celebrated… alone… But that’s okay. I’d rather celebrate the love we shared than pretend it never happened. So if you don’t mind, while my celebrations tend to be similar, I would love to share my day (and my thoughts) with you again.

I started the morning watching the sunrise at the beach where Bruce’s ashes were scattered off shore. I can’t explain it, but I just wanted the first moments of the day to be spent with him. For lunch, I celebrated “us” at our favorite restaurant. (I have gone every year, and the staff never fails to make it special.)

For the afternoon, I headed back to the beach with roses, a beer and a card – gifts for Bruce… My way of commemorating a wonderful man. I have also done this every year, and every year the same thing happens… The beer and the card are immediately taken by the waves. (I like to believe they are taken by Bruce.) However, the flowers are different… Every year (at first), all three roses will go out into the waves, but without fail, Bruce always manages to send one back to me… And no matter how high up on the shore I place my chair, one rogue wave will always bring one rose back and leave it right in front of me… The first few years that would become a battle as I kept trying to throw it back, only to have the ocean simply place it right back at my feet. Now… I just smile and accept it as a gift from Bruce… a sign that he is still nearby… still watching and loving me.

There is so much I could write here about my feelings, but I think the card and note I gave Bruce sums it up…

It isn’t easy being so in love with you
And not being able to see you every day!
There are times when I’d give anything
Just to be able to gaze into your eyes
Or hold you in my arms
Even for a few minutes.
I always feel incomplete
Like a part of me is missing,
When we’re not together.
I know that, right now,
This is how things have to be,
But that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.
Every day without you just reminds me
Of the joy you add to my life,
Joy that I’m missing a lot.
So don’t forget that I love you.
That I’m thinking of you,
And that I’m counting every minute
Until we’re together again.
~Hallmark card (Of course – don’t they say it best!)

My note:
Happy anniversary, Babe! Wow! It’s hard to believe – today would have been 12 years. It’s hard to believe that so long ago, we were both so nervous and excited at the idea of “living happily ever after.” How could we know how deep our love would run… and how very short our time together?

I must confess… My heart breaks each morning as I awake and remember… you are gone… and I am still here. I miss you so much… even time has not managed to change that. Today I am celebrating “us.” Some of that includes tears, but mostly it is smiles over such beautiful, precious memories.

This morning I watched the sunrise and thought of your last text to me – a picture of the sunrise at this same beach saying you wished I were there… Me too! (I believe that is one of my only regrets.)

For lunch, I am at “our” restaurant in Cocoa – toasting us… and remembering our last anniversary dinner here. You made it such a special night. You made me feel like the only woman in the world – a princess… I felt so loved. Even then, we had no idea our time was almost done. All we could see was each other and our future together.

I’ll never understand why God chose this path for us. All I can do is patiently wait until we are together again… in each other’s arms or hand in hand exploring heaven together.

Please stay beside me, Babe… You are my heart and you fill my soul.

I will love you always and forever!

This year, this day held a few tears but mostly I tried to remember to be grateful for what we had… and patient with myself. I still miss him. I can’t help it. There’s a loneliness I can’t explain, and I can’t shake. The one thing in this world I want – I can’t have… But I DO have beautiful memories of our love…

I am so thankful for that, Babe! Happy Anniversary!

I am also thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel closer to you through the experiences we share. Through the stories and thoughts we share here, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… On Boundaries

This week has been a perfect storm… It has been the kickoff of the hardest season of the year for me – a time of celebrations and special days where every few days I am hit with the knowledge that I am here and Bruce is gone. It has also been the week leading up to the full moon… I know there is evidence on both sides of this fence, but from my own experience, the few days prior to the full moon seem to always trigger sadness in me. (Usually, though, I don’t know why I am feeling that way until I finally get the chance to see the moon.) And finally, this has been the week I am supposed to start saying “no” at least once a day.

WHAT???

Yes, you heard me… I have been working on myself lately, and learning how to set boundaries. That may sound pretty basic, but it is something I just never seemed to learn. I grew up in a strict home, (which is fine). It just meant (in our home) children didn’t dare say “no” to anything. Then, in my first marriage, it was the same. He was in charge, and I knew the consequences of crossing him. “No” was not an option there either… The difference is as an adult, “no” should be an option.

When I married Bruce, however, life was different. He not only accepted the fact that I had a mind of my own, he encouraged me to speak up. He never got angry if I disagreed or said “no.” In fact, he was amazingly supportive in that area… In those few years together, my confidence grew as my ability to speak up grew.

BUT, when Bruce died, I lost that… I don’t know why but when he died and I lost his support, I also lost my confidence. Throughout these last few years, I have said over and over how I felt I went backward emotionally when he died… And This is one of the main areas where I lost my footing. The problem has been I know how I feel, but without that deep genuine support (which I didn’t know how to ask for) I felt I couldn’t speak up.

Instead, I have held things in until I exploded in some type of gross display of self-righteous anger… knowing I was leaving hurt in my wake, but not knowing how to do it any different. This has been even more prominent in my grief… Things have happened which were hurtful, but rather than speaking up, I have held my emotions in until I exploded… The problem is I have been too caught up in my own pain to see the pain I have been causing others… until lately…

If this has never been an issue for you, then this probably sounds nuts. However, if you were always told to “be a good girl,” “don’t be mean,” and definitely “don’t cross others,” then you know exactly what I am talking about… Learning to speak up for myself in a way that is not hurtful to others is a learned skill… one I am still working on.

So, I have been working with a mentor/coach while reading the books Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Bradberry and Greaves and Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend to help me make sense of something I don’t understand but genuinely want to fix about myself…

Briefly, I’d like to share some of the things I have learned. First, there are three main obstacles to setting boundaries. People who struggle with setting boundaries usually do so because of one (or more) of these… (For me, it seems to be all three.):

1. A fear of the loss of the relationship (or abandonment). If this is you, it is scary to set limits because you worry you the whole relationship will fall apart. However, this can also leave you feeling like you are a hostage to the relationship. So, what can you do? First, don’t feel like you must be the “fixer.” Instead, broaden the number of people you depend on… People who can empathize – who are willing to just be with you and listen without trying to give solutions… People who understand advice is good, but it has a place and that place is second! Having that safe place to vent, allows you to think things through/talk things out without fear of judgement, making it easier to set necessary limits. (You’d be surprised what a big deal this is!)

2. A fear of conflict – If this is you, conflict avoidance is your game. Here’s the thing… We are taught about conflict in our families of origin. However, if we are taught that we are not allowed to be mad, and we are responsible for other people’s happiness, then instead of learning that conflict can be a good thing, we learn that conflict is bad. This is how “people pleasers” are created. The problem is people pleasers do not set boundaries. Instead, they “train” the people around them to get mad in order to get what they want from the people pleaser. So, bravery is required here… Again, having support will us be courageous when it comes to conflict.

3. Guilt – If this is you, setting boundaries, leaves you feeling guilty. There is a fear that our boundaries may somehow damage the other person, and the last thing we want is to hurt those around us. But here is some food for thought… There is a huge difference between “hurt” and “harm.” They are not the same thing. Sometimes things may hurt in the short term, but help us in the long run. Hurt can allow for growth through honest feedback, but the long run, it creates a more harmonious relationship. Harm, on the other hand, does long term damage. When we confuse these two, it leads to mistrust and seeing others as more fragile than they really are. The best answer here is to respect the other person enough to be honest without being hurtful… Give the other person enough respect to let them adapt to the “no.”

Finally, if abuse is a part of your history (as in my first marriage) it can be even more important to find help and support from others in order to create and keep boundaries… Someone to help “hold you up” when you feel like giving up. This was what Bruce did for me for years… He not only supported me, he encouraged me to set boundaries and never got angry or upset with me when I did. This gave me the courage and to say “no”… And for the first time, I felt like I had some type of control. Why? Because I didn’t have to worry about being abandoned, OR an argument or being made to feel guilty… His support was priceless.

But when he died, somehow I lost all I had learned… So here I am at 55, working on setting boundaries. Each week I have had “homework” to help me figure this out one baby step at a time. For example, last week, I simply monitored each time I wanted to say “no” but didn’t. This week, I was supposed to say “no” or set a limit at least once a day.

This is where I stumbled…

I’m not used to speaking up. So, to me when I try to speak up, it seems to come out all wrong. It’s not like writing, Here I have a rough draft that sounds awkward and rough, but I can rewrite it as many times as I need to before anyone “hears” it. No… when I am talking, I only get one shot, and right now, it just feels awkward.

I won’t lie… I am extremely uncomfortable with this. So many times this week I wanted to give up and go back to my old habits… But that really isn’t what I want – not deep down. At this point in my journey, I desperately want to be more positive… and to do so, I need to be able to do this for myself. So, here I am walking into another week and trying again… Knowing my heart will be hurting even more this week as Bruce and my anniversary approaches, but also knowing I can do this…

With the right mindset (and support) … I know I can do this.

Let me say how thankful I am for this group. Your notes and messages always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Through these stories and the thoughts we share, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.