Tag: feelings

Peace, Love, and Grief… Loneliness

I hope you don’t judge me, since my goal is moving forward not back… Yet, this week started off really rough! I was completely down on myself. I don’t know why (or how) I managed to let myself get so far down the rabbit hole. At the same time, I know it’s normal… We all do sometimes.

I think the hard part (for me, anyway) is not having anyone here with me… more specifically – Bruce! For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with my own self-worth… I think that comes from several places in my life. The exact sources aren’t really important to list here, but it was a constant message of “not being enough”.

Bruce, however, was my hero, though! He always made me feel like I was “enough”… Maybe even more than enough. Whenever I had doubts, without exception, I was comfortable enough to reach out to him. It makes me smile when I think about the times, I would come to him with tears in my heart (and eyes), and he would simply take me in his arms to hold me for as long as I needed. So many times, not a word was spoken between us, until he would kiss me and tell me that he loved me.

I think maybe one of the most challenging (and crumbling) parts of this journey is the loneliness. It’s crazy how it creeps in without me really noticing until I am deep down in the rabbit hole. Then suddenly, things start to fall apart, and I find myself feeling as if I have no one to really turn to. Granted, I know that isn’t really true, I have wonderful people in my life. (However, when you are in so deep, that is hard to remember.)

The problem is when I get to this point – the point of utter defeat and desperation – I can’t reach out. I somehow convince myself that this is too much to dump on someone else. Or (even worse), I also tend to convince myself that I am a bother, and no one would care anyway. Plus, who needs more rejection? (Ridiculous, I know, but it is where my mind goes.)

(sigh) Loneliness is a horrible, misguided companion!

I heard a quote this week from Fr. Richard Rohr that seems apropos, “Suffering follows any great commitment of love.” Boy, did that hit home… The grief and pain from losing Bruce (even nine years later) can still be a struggle for me.

Sometimes, there are triggers that send me reeling. However, like this week, there was no trigger… It was simply the loneliness of missing him in particular… of no longer having that person in my life who “gets” me totally and completely… who can take one look at me and know what I am feeling or thinking… that person who know me inside and out – the good and the bad – and still loves me anyway. For me, that person was Bruce… And, God knows, I miss that… I miss him!

Some weeks are better than others… Some are harder. This week, though, I would have given anything to have had that… HIM back in my world.
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This journey isn’t easy… not that you need me to tell you that. Loss is hard, and the grief we are left to figure out is even harder. Thankfully, though, there are moments where our souls can be refreshed – Moments where I learn a little bit more about life, faith, and love.

As the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of these good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Some Thoughts on Grief

I have spent this week, simply working to get myself back on the right track… To look inside and try to determine not only what I think about this grief journey so far, but why I think what I think. No, there was no great revelation that made my grief disappear, only a few small insights that (hopefully) will keep me moving forward… willing to not just survive but to enjoy this life and all that is still before me.

While abandonment is probably the strongest emotion I have felt since Bruce died, the second strongest emotion I have felt has been anger… I wouldn’t admit it at first. In fact, I denied it for a very long time, but despite the words coming out of my mouth, I was angry – VERY angry. I was angry at God for letting Bruce die. I was angry at Bruce for dying. (Sounds silly, but I was.) I was angry at myself for not saving him. I was angry at other couples for still having each other. (Mix that one with a lot of jealousy.) I was angry at people who tried to comfort me with what felt like tedious phrases and advice. (Sorry… But at first, I wasn’t interested in feeling better. What I wanted was for the earth to open up and swallow me whole.) … In other words, I was angry – plain and simple.

And… to be honest, each year in January, I get angry all over again. I don’t know why exactly, and I try really hard not to… So why?? Why is anger still my go-to when my grief comes in like a tsunami and threatens to take over my world again?

I’m still not completely sure, but I did run across this earlier this week, and it struck a chord for me…

“Every bit of it still makes me cry sometimes. It’s so dang unfair. Even worse, it’s all so dang unchangeable. And unchangeable can absolutely feel unforgivable. I grieve over it all. Grieving is like dreaming in reverse… But when you are grieving over something or someone that was taken away, you wish you could go back in time. You dream in reverse.” ~ Lysa Terkeurst, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget

How true… The unfairness of it all. The fact that it is completely unchangeable. The loss of so many dreams and plans… But mainly, the loss of a relationship that was such an essential part of who I was (and never would be again).

Because of all that, I guess I really do dream in reverse. I never thought about it that way before. However, I do find myself thinking about how things would be if he were still here. Would we have followed our dream of retiring years ago and cruising the islands in the Caribbean? Would we still be in this house? What would we be doing? Yesterday? Today? Tomorrow?

These are the questions I think about all the time without even meaning to… It is just how I think these days. I know my life is still happening. I know there are still people who make me feel loved, and circumstances that still bring me joy. Yet, at the same time, my mind always finds its way back to the “what if…” thoughts of my grief.

“Instead of hoping for what will one day be, you long for a more innocent time when you lived more unaware of tragedy. But the griever knows they can’t go back in time. So, healing feels impossible, because circumstances feel unchangeable.” ~ Lysa Terkeurst, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget

I really do miss that naïve person I used to be… That person who believed that love could conquer anything, and “happily ever after” was a real possibility in my world. But… now I know better. (And I can’t change that.) I know that life is life and death is a part of that. I know that my wishes may not all come true. However, I was blessed with the best wish ever… My wish to be loved unconditionally and completely came to fruition in Bruce. I will always be thankful for that, and I will probably always grieve that loss of that. However, maybe having a better understanding of how all this plays itself out in my head and heart will be helpful going forward… And maybe (hopefully) I can learn to recognize that simmering anger before it takes over and learn to feel it, then let it go… I hope…

Grief is hard. I know it has changed me in ways I could never have prepared for, and in ways no one else might understand. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. I would guess that none of us wants to be on this path. Yet, this is where life has landed us. And at least for now, this is where we are. For me, life is now filled with challenges I never imagined. And each time I think I have it figured out, I find I haven’t at all. However, at this point in my journey, my goal is to let myself feel what I feel, while at the same time, looking at this life before me and finding the joy and the hope life still holds… Then, I want to hold onto that with everything I have.

Thanks to you, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… All I Want for Christmas

“All I want for Christmas is you.” ~ Mariah Carey & Walter Afanasieff

Today, I sit here listening to the Christmas music on the radio and staring at the lights on our tree. It’s beautiful… It’s all so beautiful.

So why am I crying?

After all, my entire life I have loved this season. I love everything about it… But this year, I am struggling to find the Christmas spirit. I’m trying! I really am, but it feels so elusive this year… What’s wrong with me?

Despite the craziness in the world right now, our family has been so blessed this year. We have loved having this time together as a family. Instead of spending our days rushing from one thing to the next, it has been so nice to just enjoy the simple things like family walks, playing games, doing puzzles, and even making up our own crazy, three-person version of badminton. It’s all been pretty fun… And now with the holidays, we are relearning how to enjoy this season without all the parades and parties. Instead, we are keeping this simple too. It’s different, but I love it. I do! It’s great!

So why am I struggling?

I know part of it is that despite the years, I still wish Bruce were here to share it… I hate that he is gone. I hate doing this without him (again). I would give anything for just one more holiday season with him. That is really all I want for Christmas – to be able to share all the things I love about this season with him just one more time… But that isn’t to be… And that makes me sad.

I have found myself crying every night this week. It’s not just that I miss Bruce – although that is a huge piece of it. It’s more than that. You see, most days, I can almost feel him next to me, and that brings me a certain peace… Many times, that is what gets me through those days when the world around me feels overwhelming, as well as those nights when I find myself reaching out in the dark to find emptiness beside me.

The last few days, though, I haven’t felt that… I haven’t felt him near me. I haven’t felt that peace… I feel like I am on my own, (which I know, I technically am)… But it feels different. It’s hard to explain.

When Bruce died, I felt lost… abandoned… completely hopeless. I didn’t really care what the next day held, because no matter what a day might hold, it would be without Bruce. However, as time has passed, I really have learned to feel hope again… I have learned to appreciate the brevity of life and the preciousness of each moment. I think that is why I am struggling with the season this year… There is an inner struggle between missing what was and appreciating what is.

I treasure the memories of our Christmases together. Yet, I don’t want to miss out on the memories we are making this year. I know this time is precious too… I just wish there were a way to have it all – Christmas now… but with Bruce, too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXQViqx6GMY&ab_channel=MariahCareyVEVO

I know it’s okay to feel what I feel. I know I can’t work through a feeling, if I don’t allow myself to feel it in the first place. So, I guess, I will keep this simple too… I will be good to myself. I will surround myself with people who love me and understand. I will ask for lots of extra hugs and patience, as I find my way through my emotions and this season.

In the end, I know I won’t get all I want for Christmas. No matter how hard I wish it, Bruce will not be here. That is reality. However, I truly believe that over the next few days, I can find that spirit of love and hope because of the people around me… People I love… People I treasure… People I keep close to my heart…

The holidays can hard, confusing, and an emotional roller coaster, when you are experiencing grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. It changes how we experience everything. This can make it hard to find the Christmas spirit and even harder to celebrate. Sometimes the best we can do is to just keep trying – don’t quit… don’t give up on yourself. Ask for what you need. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Telling Our Story

“Your story is the most powerful part of who you are – the struggles, failures, successes, and everything in between. Remember always to stay open to new experiences and never let doubters get in the way.” ~ Michelle Obama, Becoming

When I started this blog years ago, it was to tell a story – my story. My story of what this grief journey was like for me. I learned early on that we each experience grief in our own way, and my journey may not sound anything like yours… Or it might sound a lot like yours. But in the process of telling my story, I hoped for two things:

1. I hoped and prayed that by sharing my experiences, I might help at least one other person understand that their own experiences or feelings were “normal.” (If there is such a thing as normal on this path.) That they weren’t alone… There was someone else out here who understood.

2. For my own sanity, I simply needed to tell my story. As the quote says, “it is the most powerful part of who I am.” I needed to get it out… I needed to feel like I still had a voice… And, honestly, I needed to be heard.

So, week after week, I have shared whatever was going on in my world and how I was feeling. I have shared the good times and the bad. I have shared my stumbling and my growth… and many of you have shared yours with me, as well. What a blessing you have been to me!

This week… well, this week the story has been so strange! Wouldn’t you agree? With everything happening, it has been beyond surreal. I have had a mix of emotions all week long. In our house, we have taken this situation seriously, without going hysterical. We are all at home, social distancing, having items delivered versus going to the store, working and schooling from home, going for walks and trying to remain positive and appreciative as we pass the time.

It’s still stressful, though. (I’d be lying if I said otherwise.) We have been trying to find the balance between watching enough news to stay “in the know,” while not watching so much that we get stressed from negative news overload. It can be hard, trying to act like this is “normal” and not getting caught up in all the frenzy.

Honestly, I think I am doing pretty good… at least, on the outside. However, the emotions on the inside seem to have a life of their own. (We can’t help what we feel, just what we do with them, right?) On the outside, I can smile and go on with my day. However, on the inside, my emotions can go from feeling fine and dandy to “meh” to downright frustration. (Remind you of anything?)

Yea… me too. It sounds a lot like grief, doesn’t it? Thursday night, as I lay in bed awake – unable to sleep – I came across an article that actually called it out. It is grief… It is a grief for what is happening and those who are dying. It is a grief for what our lives were like two weeks ago compared to now. It is a grief for our future, because our “plans” don’t seem very relevant anymore… and that list goes on and on.

And… just like those who grieve, there are many ways of responding… There are those who will deny what is happening, and those who will be frozen with fear. There are those who will “be good and do as they are told,” and those who put a voice to their depression and/or anxiety. And… There are those (like me) who will set their emotions aside just enough to smile through the day…. (Then, release them in the quiet, darkness of the night.)

I guess it is one of those things I have gotten better at through the years than I had realized. So… let’s put it out there, since that is what I do here. What am I feeling these days?

Well, to be honest. It depends on the moment. There are times (like today while tending my flower gardens), when I am able to completely forget all this and just get lost in my own thoughts. Then, there are times when I miss my family and friends or when I miss having time to myself. There are also times when I can laugh, and there are times when I really just want to cry (and I don’t even know why).

This week I had to cancel my trip for Bruce’s birthday weekend. It’s been a couple of years since I have been able to get away to celebrate him and us, and I was really looking forward to it. I had a cute, little cottage rented by the beach. I had planned to spend my days walking, reading, writing and just remembering. However, the beaches are closed, and all rentals are cancelled. Life has changed… I get it… It is best for now. I know there will be other years for going away to celebrate and remember. It’s not the end of the world. I’m just disappointed… That’s all.

Then there are the nights… It has been a while since insomnia has reared its head. Most nights I am fine, but there have been a few nights I found myself lying in bed, struggling to turn my mind off… and I can’t. In fact, usually, those are the nights when I find myself thinking about Bruce.

Part of me wonders what it would be like if he were still here… If we were going through this together? What would his response be? I don’t really know… Who could have ever imagined this even three weeks ago?

I do know this, though… I know he would be a calm and steady source of strength. I know that no matter how I was feeling, I would be able to lay in his arms at night and find the strength and security that I find myself longing for each night.

I don’t know what this next week will hold for any of us… I have no idea where any of this will lead. I just know I keep praying for those who are sick, those who are dead or dying, and their loved ones… For those out of work and their families… And for the rest of us as we watch and wait…

And I grieve… for all of us…

Everyone deals with life, loss, and grief in their own way and in their own time. Through this strange time, the best we can do is be patient with one another as we all find our way along this path… Keeping in mind that we all find answers and comfort in various sources, which is what makes us all unique and different. Do you have something that provides that sense of calmness in a storm? If so, would you share it with us? There may be someone out there who needs to hear exactly what you have to say…

If you are struggling with grief, loss, loneliness, please know you are not alone – We are here. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted.

Peace, Love and Grief… Triggers

Isn’t it funny how there are some things that just trigger those feelings of grief? Do you know what I am talking about?… Those feelings of “Oh my gosh, I really miss you today.” It’s strange, I know… For goodness sake, it’s been years! How in the world do those overwhelming feelings still manage to take over every rational thought in my head? I wish I had an answer, but I don’t know… They just do.

I know those triggers aren’t the same for all of us… Shoot, even for me, those triggers can change from time to time.

Sometimes it is a song on the radio… There are mornings when I turn on the radio and “our” song is playing. Three or four notes into the intro can find me blubbering like a baby. It makes me crazy… I love to hear it – that song holds so many precious memories within those few minutes. Yet, almost every time it comes on, I cry, because for a few moments I am thrown back to a time when Bruce and I were inseparable. Then, just as suddenly, I am back to reality… a life without the man I love.

Other times, the trigger can be a simple comment made by someone else. Usually it is someone who didn’t know me back then… Someone who doesn’t connect my life now to someone who watched her husband die in her arms. So, a comment gets made about what they would or wouldn’t do if they lost their spouse, or a judgement is made about someone who is currently grieving a loss.

I know they have no idea what they are talking about… I know they are speaking from a place of un-knowing. They have no idea what that kind of loss is like or how they will respond… So, while on the inside I want to scream and tell them what they don’t know – what they can’t know – and how lucky they are not to know… But I don’t… Instead, I just bite my tongue – saying nothing, or if the tears do fill my eyes, I turn away and busy myself with something outside the conversation. I learned long ago, there are some things in life that can’t be understood until you are smack dab in the middle of it, so there is really no point in trying to explain.

Another one that can take my breath away, is when I see someone who from the back looks so much like Bruce. Maybe it is their build, or the way they move, but there is something that catches my eye and for a moment my heart soars. Or… when I am driving down the road and either spot a car just like his or a truck like the one he used to drive. While logically I know it isn’t him – it can’t be… Yet, I still do a double take every time. Hoping against hope to see that grin and tell-tell baseball cap. What if it is him? What if this really is all just a bad dream, and I am finally waking up? But of course, it isn’t him… it never is. It is only a reminder of him… A reminder that he was here, but no more… And the disappointment that follows is always a struggle.

This week, the trigger was one that comes from within… It wasn’t a song or a conversation or a someone’s similarities or a car… Nope, it was all internal… It was all me… and these are usually the ones that hurt the worse. It is something so silly, I am almost too embarrassed to even say it… But I managed to get my feelings hurt. (Sounds five years old, doesn’t it?) But it is what happened, and I am talking about it because I know we all get our feelings hurt sometimes.

The thing is when Bruce was alive and someone hurt my feelings, I knew he was going to be there for me to lean on. All I had to do was look at him, and he knew. Then, without a moment’s hesitation, he would gather me in his arms and hold me. He would stroke my hair and tell me it was all going to be okay. And the funny thing was, he had a way of always making me feel like it really was going to be okay… It was us (together) against anything that might try to hurt us. I never felt like I was on my own. I always knew without a doubt that he had my back… and his arms were a safe place to land… always… every time… But not anymore.

Instead, when my world turned dark this week, I was left feeling so absolutely alone. More than anything, I needed to feel his arms around me… I needed to hear him whisper that we were in this together, and it was all going to be okay. I needed him… But he was (and is) the one thing I couldn’t have. So… I cried… I cried because I was hurt and the situation is one where I just have to let it go… I can’t say anything or do anything to make it better… And I was hurting because the one person I needed in this moment, can’t be here… Instead, I am alone.

Yes, I have friends and people who care… and I am eternally greatly for each and every one. However, there are some spaces that only Bruce can fill… But that isn’t to be. So instead, I let myself cry… Then I took a breath (and a glass of wine) and pushed forward… If there is one thing I have learned, it is the fact that wallowing in that sadness will not help… Instead, I need to let it go… I also need to remember that I shouldn’t take things personally. When someone is being hurtful, it is really about them – not me… (Bruce used to remind me of that all the time.)

Today, I am fine… Actually, I was fine by the next morning. It was just another hard moment in time that has passed. It was just another trigger that reminded me it’s okay to feel what I feel… It’s okay to miss him and grieve for him…. However, after that, I need to move on and be strong…

And I’m pretty sure that is what Bruce would want, as well…

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How about you? What are your triggers? How do you get past them? How do you handle them? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… All the Feelings

Usually I write about where I am currently on this journey, but this week I want to reflect a little bit on where I was and how it felt. Why? Well, I know when I first started on this path, I felt so alone. The feelings and emotions were so overwhelming. And because I was the first person in both our families and amongst my close friends to lose a spouse, I didn’t really have anyone to turn to and ask if all these feelings were normal? (As if anything in my life would ever be “normal” again.)

Just a few months after Bruce died, I was struggling to find someone… anyone… who could understand… and wrote the following…

“I feel like I am going crazy. My emotions have been on hyper mode since this started. If I am sad, it is extreme. If I am happy, it is extreme. If I am angry, it is extreme. No matter the emotion, it is to the extreme. It seems like the only way to have any control at all is to shut them down completely. I hate it. Can anyone tell me if this is a normal part of grieving?”

Many people responded that while they hadn’t been there, they thought it was normal… A few told me to pray… Others said they were praying for me… Some told me to seek counseling, while others used words and phrases they had heard elsewhere were meant to bring comfort. In other words, they were all trying to be supportive, but no one really had an answer.

So, I set out to find some answers. I can remember reading books, blogs, articles – anything I could get my hands on that was written by other widows and widowers. In those, I learned what I was experiencing was very normal. I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t going crazy.

I read about women who shaved their heads, packed a bag, and went on a cross-country hike in an attempt to outrun their grief. I read about men and women who fought suicidal thoughts, and others who immediately moved out of their homes just to get away from the memories. I read about many who lost their faith and others who dove in deeper.

So many people I read about struggled to control their emotions and talked about the outbursts… And others who tried to stuff all the pain deep down inside and shared that they couldn’t connect with anyone anymore… So many talked about looking at life going on around them, like an observer looking in, unable to even feel human anymore.

All of this probably sounds really dark, but it actually brought me comfort… It was a relief to know that I wasn’t crazy… All of my feelings were “normal” for someone grieving. My struggle to control my emotions, my struggle with my faith and being “left behind,” my struggle with relationships… All of it… It was such a comfort to know I wasn’t alone… and I wasn’t crazy.

I remember when I first started writing this blog, someone said told me that no one wanted to hear about my pain, how hard grief was, or how I felt. However, I thought it then, and I think it now – she was wrong… There will always be someone who needs to hear… I guess that’s why I am writing this today… Because if even one person reads this and can connect with the loss of stability that comes with grief, then I hope they will also find comfort in knowing that they aren’t alone.

You have many sisters and brothers who have gone before you and remember…

There is no judgement in what you are feeling… We remember. There is only empathy and compassion for where you are… And where you must still travel.

And while it may not seem possible, (at least, I didn’t think it was), if you are patient with yourself, the day will come (eventually), when you can manage this new “normal” that life has thrown your way. True, there will always be a hole… an emptiness in your heart and soul, but it won’t always control every thought and emotion… And until the time comes when you realize you are able to truly live your life again, know that we are here… We care… And we understand…

Death changes everything…

For a while that is all I can think about.

Time changes nothing…

On its own.

This is a journey

That will not end,

But I can learn how to direct my path.

 

If I do not pay attention to each individual step,

If I look too far ahead,

If I get tired and stop,

If I look backward too long,

I will become lost and scared.

 

I did not choose this journey.

I can’t even say that I like this journey.

But I would rather choose my path now,

Than try to find my way later

Because I gave up what little choice was mine

And became lost.

 

It is okay to stop and rest or cry when I am weary,

As long as I do not lose track of where I am.

It is okay to peer behind me to see where I was,

As long as I remember to look forward as I move.

It is even okay to look at what is ahead,

As long as I am doing so as preparation, but remain focused on where I am.

 

Death has changed everything,

And I must learn how to adjust.

Time changes nothing

On its own – that is my job now.

 

This is a journey – it is mine;

I must own it to survive it.

~ Linda, September 2013

 

What about you? Where are you on your journey? Do you remember that initial shock and all the overwhelming feelings of loss? Are you in that initial state of loss? Do you need someone to validate your feelings and give you some support? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Jealous?… Seriously?

“When I see someone with what I lost, I feel the pain all over again.” ~ Rev. Karen Tudor

I remember when this whole thing began… In my support group and in everything I read, I was told I would experience a plethora of emotions. Forget the stages of grief… I would definitely feel those, but it wouldn’t be the “complete the checklist and you’re better” kind of thing. Instead, it would be more like a 3-ring circus with multiple emotions happening all at once – coming and going in the blink of an eye.

In my writings, I have shared most of those feelings, but there is one I’m don’t think I have said out loud… jealousy. Yep… I hate to admit it, but that is one emotion I actually feel more often than I care to admit… and I’m not very proud of myself. It seems to show up in different forms, but it is definitely there, and usually I’m not quite sure what to do with it.

I remember the first time I felt it… I was walking into the grocery store and saw an older couple walking in – hand in hand. Shortly afterward, I was flying to (who knows where) and found myself seated next to a couple about my age, snuggled up, sharing one set of earbuds as they watched a movie together… Both times, it was so sweet… so typical of small moments Bruce and I had shared… And both times I had to look away as tears formed in my eyes. Why did they get a future together? Why not us?

I remember on one business trip, sitting at the hotel bar and listening to the elderly couple next to me flirt with each other. I don’t remember how we started talking but we ended up eating dinner together that night… As it turned out, they were both widows who had just recently married… As I shared my feelings and thoughts (and admitted feeling jealous), they were so kind. I will always remember that night, because they both left me feeling so validated… and normal.

There have been other times, though, which haven’t been as “sweet,” but also left me feeling that tinge…

Just to be clear… I’ve been married, and I know it is normal to argue with the person you love. However, there have been times when I have overheard couples being downright cruel and ugly to each other… Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous of the arguing… But I want to shake them silly, because I am jealous that they are still together… still a couple… yet, they don’t seem to appreciate it. All the while, I would give anything for one more conversation or even just one more hug…

There are other times when I listen to friends complain of boredom or lack of love in their relationships… They are only in the relationship “out of obligation”… Honestly, I’m not judging that – I’ve been there, and I get it. What I don’t understand is why Bruce and I don’t get to be together, yet here are these people who don’t even like each other… And they are still together. I know – that sounds awful… I’m not wishing for anyone else to die. I don’t get it – it just doesn’t feel fair… (And I would bet, there are many of you reading this who understand exactly what I mean.)

You’d think that would be it… but it’s not. If you are on Face Book, then I would bet you have seen those notes where people who are still very much in love with their partners will post something that says, “Share this if… you are still married to your soulmate… or you have the best husband/wife ever… or your still love your partner… etc.” I know – These are sweet, and I don’t blame them for shouting it from the mountaintops (or their Face Book feed)… I felt the same way… I guess, that’s why it hits so hard. Every time I read it, I think – “YES! That’s us! … Wait… No, not anymore… I still love him, but does it still count?” Then, I get that pit in my stomach as I scroll past, knowing that is a world where I no longer belong.

Lately several of my friends have announced new relationships or engagements… I love that! I am so excited for them. I remember when Bruce and I first met… I remember the excitement of new love and getting married. I remember feeling like I was the luckiest woman in the world… I remember feeling more loved than I had ever felt in my whole life… I remember all of that… and then, there it is once again… I feel so happy for them… and so sad for Bruce and I.

Everything I read says this is normal… My emotions are normal – they are neither good nor bad. I know it’s what I do with them that makes the difference. Still… I am embarrassed to admit that throughout the years since Bruce died, there have been many times when I have felt this way… sometimes I cry, sometimes I get quiet, and other times I smile… But always there is that tinge of pain and jealousy at what we had… and lost.

Please forgive me…

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Does anyone else out there know what I am talking about? Have you ever felt this way too? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone.

Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Don’t cry…

Don’t cry… Most of us have heard this all our lives. As a child when a favorite toy was lost… “Don’t cry.” When a pet was lost or your best friend moved… “Don’t cry.” As a teen, when your first love broke your heart… “Don’t cry.” And even as an adult when life throws you a curve ball… “Don’t cry.”

Don’t get me wrong… For the most part, I don’t remember hearing this in a reprimanding tone. It was always said gently and with love. It is a “normal” response, I suppose, when someone is crying. But, honestly, did it ever stop your tears? … Because it never stopped mine.

In fact, this week while watching TV, I heard a mother consoling her adult daughter with those exact words… and it made me think… Why? Why not cry? Why is it so wrong to cry as a response to hurt and loss? Why do we do that to each other?

I remember when Bruce died, people were patient with my tears for a little while… a very little while. After just a few short weeks, I started hearing the words “don’t cry” a lot. Most of the time it was said gently, and I knew it was meant to console. However, there were others who, I believe, were simply uncomfortable with the tears… or truly felt that it was downright wrong to cry. I heard it stated so many ways, such as:

“Don’t cry. You’re not the only one to ever lose someone.”
“Don’t cry. If you have faith, you should believe he’s in a better place.”
“Don’t cry. You can choose to feel better or have a better attitude.”
“Don’t cry in the office or in public. It looks weak.”
“Don’t cry. Be strong.”
“Don’t cry. What will others think?”

Good grief! What will others think? Wouldn’t they think I am sad because my husband died? Is that so bad?

If you listen closely to each of these reasons not to cry, shame is at the core. Which makes me wonder why shame become the tool used to dispel grief? What a crazy place this is when we believe there a time limit to tears of grief, and anything beyond that “limit” is wrong. Research has shown us that it is unhealthy to avoid or deny our grief. Yet, society still charges down the “be tough or be shamed” path.

I understand that my tears and grief may make some people uncomfortable, but maybe that is not my responsibility. Maybe that discomfort is created because in our culture most of us have never learned how to deal with grief. Instead. it is treated like a taboo topic… something that is definitely expected up to a point as ling as we don’t get carried away. If one grieves “too long,” shame will begin to seep into the picture.

Honestly, I have been frustrated for a long time with the reality of pushing my feelings down deep in order to make others more comfortable. However, it wasn’t until these last few weeks that I finally realized this shame aspect and how efficiently it works.

My first realization happened with my grandson. We were having a simple conversation about his day when suddenly he burst into tears about a recent loss that cuts deep into his core. We were in the car, and there wasn’t a lot I could do in the moment. As I reached out to hand him a tissue, I ALMOST said it… “Don’t cry, Baby. It will be okay.” But as the thoughts were forming in my mind, I stopped.

No… That was not what I wanted to say, nor what I wanted him to take away from our encounter. Instead, I told him, “It’s okay to cry, Baby. I know it hurts. You go ahead and cry… I’m here with you.” He’s only 7 so the tears didn’t last very long. Hopefully, however, he will remember that his feelings are valid, and it is okay to grieve his loss. As for me, all I could think was how I wished more people had allowed me that small bit of space… space to cry and grieve for a few moments when the pain of my loss crossed my heart.

My second (and more eye opening) realization came a day or two later. I was having one of “THOSE” days… One of those days when I missed Bruce beyond words. One of those days when the pain and grief felt all new and fresh, as if it had happened just yesterday. A day when I would have given my soul for just one more hug… one more smile. .. one more moment.

Yet as sad as I felt, I got up, got dressed and forced a smile to my face as I walked into my office. Only those closest to me could tell something was “off,” and only one or two actually knew what it was. As the day progressed and my mood started cycling lower and lower, I found myself shoving my emotions further and further down and trying to smile that much more. “Don’t let them see your pain today,” I thought. “Don’t cry.”

And I didn’t… Instead, I waited until I was alone in my car heading home… I waited until I felt “safe.” However, when I finally gave myself “permission” to cry, I found I couldn’t… not really. I was sad and I needed to work through all that stuff I had been shoving down all day, but somehow I still couldn’t allow myself to let go. Instead, I was talking myself out of it.

What if someone called and could hear it in my voice? What if someone saw me?
Then it hit me….Oh my gosh! I had let the shame behind all those “don’t cry’s” become so accepted and ingrained, I was doing it to myself! That was nuts! Good heavens! What shame is there in grieving? I know better! I know all those “don’t cry’s” are wrong. Instead, of “don’t cry,” we need to say…

“Go ahead and cry. This hurts… You’re the only one to ever lose this person in this time.”
“Go ahead and cry. Faith has nothing to do with it. God will hold you and comfort you. He understands your pain.”
“Go ahead and cry. You can choose your attitude, and today it is perfectly okay to choose feeling sad. You can choose to feel better or have a better attitude another day or another time.”
“Go ahead and cry in the office. It is not weak… It is honest and vulnerable… That takes real courage.”
“Go ahead and cry. That takes real strength.”
“Go ahead and cry. Who cares what others may think?”

This lesson has taken me a while, but I have finally realized that it takes more strength and courage to be honest about my grief than to hide it. There may even be a lot of people who will disagree… But I would bet most of them have never walked one step (much less a mile) in my moccasins (as the saying goes).

So… If there is one thing I have learned from all of this “don’t cry” business, it is this…

It is okay and normal to express grief with tears. It takes courage and strength to lay it out there for the world with no apologies. So… if you ever find yourself consoling someone or being consoled, drop the “don’t.” Instead,…

Go ahead and cry…

What about you? Did anyone ever tell you “don’t cry?” Are you still struggling with the shame of grieving past society’s “approved time limit?” Do you need support in that area? Or would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dear friend,

This week’s blog is a letter written specifically to widows, widowers and people who are grieving…

Dear friend,

I am so sorry that you are reading this letter right now. Please know that in my heart, I am hugging you tight. I believe grief is one of the hardest things life throws at us, and so I know you must be hurting… that is normal. In fact, everything you are feeling is probably “normal.”

God, I hate that term… “normal.” Who’s to say what is “normal?”

Since most of us knew nothing about a “grief journey” until we were thrown onto it, I thought I would share a little bit from my perspective/experience. I may be ahead of you on this path or I may be behind you… or I may be right there beside you. It doesn’t really matter, because more than likely, wherever you are, something in this will ring true and you will get it.

There are a few things I want you to know before the rest of the world has you convinced you are crazy… People mean well, but for the most part, they have NO idea what you are going through or what you are feeling. They are only going by what they think they would do in your shoes… so don’t put too much stock in what they are telling you, especially if it just plain feels wrong. (Like I said, they mean well, but they have no idea.)

So to clarify – you aren’t crazy! You are vulnerable and your emotions are intense right now… but that doesn’t make you crazy. Take some comfort in knowing that whatever you are feeling is normal. In fact, some days your emotions may run the gamut and go through every extreme of what seems like every possible emotion… and that’s okay.

For the first week or more, you will probably just feel numb. It’s called shock. It is your body’s way of protecting you… what you are going through is so traumatic that your brain and body will only let you feel and remember the bare minimum. Months from now, people will tell you a story about what you said or did during this time and you probably will not remember it at all. That is okay… it is normal.

For the first few months, you will probably hear from everyone and their brother. (If you don’t feel like talking to them, that’s okay too.) They will make offers of help… Take them up on it. It may feel really strange but you will be glad you did. Be specific… If they say, “Let me know what you need.” Tell them! If they say, “Call me if you need anything.” Do it! I believe most people are genuine when they make the offer… they just have no idea what you need and they can’t read your mind – so tell them.

After about 3 – 4 months, you will notice people “dropping away.” Most of the people who have been checking in on you start to disappear from the scene. It is like clockwork, and every mourner I have spoken to has experienced it at about the same point. So here you are with the shock of this new life wearing off and the people who are still available are few.

Why does this happen? I am not sure but if I had to take a guess, I believe that most of them think you are doing okay, (after all, it’s been a few months), so they start to back off and go on with their lives. They have no idea that you are just starting to “feel” again and really need them now more than before.

At about this same time, you will also start to notice that some friends who you thought would be by your side no matter what, have disappeared almost completely off the radar. At the same time, new friends have appeared on the scene. These new friends were a God-send for me… they have been by my side throughout this whole ordeal as if we had been friends forever… If this is your experience, count on them. They are a blessing and a gift… They really are your true friends.

This may be hard, but don’t be too upset with the old friends… More than likely, they are scared (and fear does funny things to people). Watching you go through this ordeal makes death and loss all too real for them. More than likely they are going through their own emotional crisis about now and have no idea what to do or say… so they say nothing and back away.

As time passes, you will find that you have a lot of people who want to “fix” you. I can’t lie – this is extremely frustrating. The craziest part seems to be: while they have never experienced a loss like yours, they definitely believe they know how you should deal with it. For whatever reason, they seem to think they have all the answers for your grief.

The truth is – You are not broken. Therefore, you don’t need to be fixed. Grief is a sadness… a process… It isn’t something to be “fixed.” These people who want to “help” you by “fixing” you have no idea what they are saying or the affect it has. Just be patient and ignore as much as you can.

As for your loved one’s “stuff,” there is no hurry. Decide what you want to do with it today or do it next year – who cares? I will advise that when you are ready to go through it, grab a friend to sit with you and help you… There will be tears and stories that you will want to share.

If you want to keep a few things (or everything) – keep them. If you don’t, that is okay too. Want to give some items to family or friends? By all means – yes! A little caution here though… Do not give away anything until you are ready… Even if someone asks for something. Write it down so you will remember, but don’t let go of anything until you are ready. (There is no need to add resentment to your mountain of emotions.)

Your ring? What do you want to do? Wear it? Not wear it? Move it to the other hand? Wear it on a chain? Replace it with another ring to symbolize your life then (or now)? What about their ring?… So many questions and no answer. The truth is there is no protocol. You just need to follow your heart on this one, even if it changes over time. For me, I wore Bruce’s ring on a chain around my neck and kept mine on my left hand for the first 18 months. Then, I moved mine to the chain with his… and that is where they both are for now.

Dating?… Okay, I don’t know what to tell you except it is up to you. Some people start dating right away and others never do. I haven’t yet but can’t say I won’t. The troubling part for me has been that for whatever reason, people seem to equate dating with “finally being over the grief.” That seems ridiculous to me… I don’t see how the two are intertwined. The grief will always be a part of me; it isn’t something to “get over.”

Anyway… I have heard everything from “just find a toy” (that seems like a selfish concept to me) to “Bruce would want you to” (probably) to “If you do, it will be a dishonor to Bruce and your marriage.” (Seriously… how ridiculous does that sound!?) Goes to prove (once again) that the only person who knows what you should or shouldn’t do is you.

I could go on and on with things to expect or not expect. However, that list could go on forever (and then I would have nothing more to write in this blog). So, I will just add a few random items… One is a list of books that I found helpful. The other is a list of activities that I still find helpful.

Books that have meant a lot to me:
1. Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman
2. Chicken Soup for the Soul: Miraculous Messages from Heaven by Canfield, Hansen, & Newmark
3. I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodby by Noel & Blair
4. The Grief Recovery Handbook by James and Friedman
5. The Woman’s Comfort Book by Jennifer Louden
6. Healing a Spouse’s Grieving Heart by Alan D Wolfelt, PH.D.
7. The Artist’s Way Workbook by Julia Cameron
8. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Activities that (did and still) help:
1. Plant and maintain a memorial garden.
2. Keep a journal
3. Paint
4. Create a scrapbook of all the emails and cards exchanged.
5. Write poetry
6. Travel
7. Keep a daily list of (at least 5) blessings.
8. Work out daily
9. Weekend Self-retreats
10. Sunrise beach walks
11. Meditate

There is so much more I want to say, but instead I will end with this…

You have probably noticed a central theme throughout this letter – No one has any idea what you need except you. You have value. You are normal.

No one else can make you feel anything unless you allow it, so don’t allow the negative from others to drive your self-worth. Be your own best advocate. Be strong, believe in yourself and trust your gut to know what you need to do or not do…

And most of all, know that you are not on this journey alone. There are a lot of us out here and we care…

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*
Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Feeling abandoned

Abandoned: having been deserted or cast off… me…

From the beginning, grief has been a journey of many emotions… some conflicting, (which has left me feeling a bit crazy at times). But throughout these 2.5 years, “abandoned” has been my prevalent, on-going emotion. I have felt it since day one and still feel it to this day. Abandoned by Bruce… abandoned by God… abandoned by others… alone.

For those who are just starting on this journey and for those who have never been here, the emotions are strong; the emotions are real… but emotions have nothing to do with logic. To give you an idea, here is my journal entry two weeks after Bruce died:

January 27
Still here… still alone. I can’t help but feel that even God has abandoned me. I know – that makes me horrible, doesn’t it? But how could he give me 23 years with a man that hated me (and still does) but only 8 years with a man that loved me so completely? Someone told me that God allowed (or caused) the abuse with (my 1st husband) because of my sin. It hurt when it was said even though I didn’t believe it then. But now, I wonder…

God must not love me after all. But I don’t really understand… Out of everyone in the world, why can’t he love me?… Why can’t he forgive me, too?

Maybe I am wrong – maybe this is the grief talking. But I don’t understand… why Bruce? How can a God who loves me allow so much hurt? Why? Am I such a bad person?

This feels so wrong, so surreal. Life goes on around me, but I can’t seem to move. In order to move, I have to pretend that everything is fine and shove all the emotions down. I know people are uncomfortable with my grief, so I try really hard to hide it until I am alone. Then, I cry.

I go back to work tomorrow… that feels so scary. How do I do something so normal when my life has been thrown upside down? I feel like everyone who knows is watching me to see if I will fall apart. And for those who don’t know – I want to shout at them to stop… life needs to stop… because my life stopped when Bruce died. I want the whole world to stop for just one moment to honor him… to recognize that he is gone.

How do I ever feel happy – truly happy – again? I just want to crawl in a hole. It takes everything in me to get out of the bed. I can’t sleep… instead I lay there, imagining he is still there, too… still holding me…

There are a lot of thoughts and feelings that I don’t tell anyone. They won’t understand. They already spend so much energy trying to make me “not sad.” That doesn’t make me mad, but it doesn’t really work either. It just makes me want to be alone – to get inside my own head with my own thoughts. Then, I can imagine him still here. Oh my God, I need him so much!

I don’t think I can do this… it is too hard… too much is expected and all I want is to be with Bruce again – to love him and feel him next to me…
but that is something I can never have again… I am alone now.

That was 2.5 years ago… the feelings were so intense then. I can’t say they are gone now… they aren’t – they are still here… but the intensity is less. Some weeks are harder than others and some days are harder than others… this week has been both.

At work, things are changing quickly… many of my friends have moved on to new jobs. At home, my closest friends are planning to move within the year. On a rational level, I am so happy for all of them… Their lives are moving on as they should. However, on a personal level, I am faced with that overwhelming feeling of abandonment, once again.

This week I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when she says, “People come and go so quickly here.”

I hate these feelings. This week, I have found myself wanting to do what I always do – pull inside… hide or run away emotionally.

Instead, I am pushing myself to stay in the game. I am trying really hard to stay strong. The problem is – I don’t feel strong and there are very few people I trust enough to be honest about how I feel. I would give anything to have someone who loves me – who cares about me – to hold me… no words… Just take me in their arms, let me lay my head on their shoulder and cry.

But that isn’t going to happen… not today. So instead, I will smile and tell you I am fine…

They say it gets easier,
But it doesn’t.
The pain is still there,
Still strong, barely contained below the surface.
Waiting for that moment…
The moment when I am unprepared –
When I relax for a second.
And there it is, pouring out…
As tears slide down my cheeks;
And the pain is so great it is physically debilitating.
But I’m not allowed to show it.
No one wants to see it or hear it anymore.
I can only turn to myself for comfort.
There are no arms to hold me;
No gentle touch to wipe my tears.
No words of love or comfort.
Just my memories of us…
And the awful knowledge that
This is all too real.
~ Linda, Oct 12, 2014

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*
Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.