I have spent this week, simply working to get myself back on the right track… To look inside and try to determine not only what I think about this grief journey so far, but why I think what I think. No, there was no great revelation that made my grief disappear, only a few small insights that (hopefully) will keep me moving forward… willing to not just survive but to enjoy this life and all that is still before me.
While abandonment is probably the strongest emotion I have felt since Bruce died, the second strongest emotion I have felt has been anger… I wouldn’t admit it at first. In fact, I denied it for a very long time, but despite the words coming out of my mouth, I was angry – VERY angry. I was angry at God for letting Bruce die. I was angry at Bruce for dying. (Sounds silly, but I was.) I was angry at myself for not saving him. I was angry at other couples for still having each other. (Mix that one with a lot of jealousy.) I was angry at people who tried to comfort me with what felt like tedious phrases and advice. (Sorry… But at first, I wasn’t interested in feeling better. What I wanted was for the earth to open up and swallow me whole.) … In other words, I was angry – plain and simple.
And… to be honest, each year in January, I get angry all over again. I don’t know why exactly, and I try really hard not to… So why?? Why is anger still my go-to when my grief comes in like a tsunami and threatens to take over my world again?
I’m still not completely sure, but I did run across this earlier this week, and it struck a chord for me…
“Every bit of it still makes me cry sometimes. It’s so dang unfair. Even worse, it’s all so dang unchangeable. And unchangeable can absolutely feel unforgivable. I grieve over it all. Grieving is like dreaming in reverse… But when you are grieving over something or someone that was taken away, you wish you could go back in time. You dream in reverse.” ~ Lysa Terkeurst, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget
How true… The unfairness of it all. The fact that it is completely unchangeable. The loss of so many dreams and plans… But mainly, the loss of a relationship that was such an essential part of who I was (and never would be again).
Because of all that, I guess I really do dream in reverse. I never thought about it that way before. However, I do find myself thinking about how things would be if he were still here. Would we have followed our dream of retiring years ago and cruising the islands in the Caribbean? Would we still be in this house? What would we be doing? Yesterday? Today? Tomorrow?
These are the questions I think about all the time without even meaning to… It is just how I think these days. I know my life is still happening. I know there are still people who make me feel loved, and circumstances that still bring me joy. Yet, at the same time, my mind always finds its way back to the “what if…” thoughts of my grief.
“Instead of hoping for what will one day be, you long for a more innocent time when you lived more unaware of tragedy. But the griever knows they can’t go back in time. So, healing feels impossible, because circumstances feel unchangeable.” ~ Lysa Terkeurst, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget
I really do miss that naïve person I used to be… That person who believed that love could conquer anything, and “happily ever after” was a real possibility in my world. But… now I know better. (And I can’t change that.) I know that life is life and death is a part of that. I know that my wishes may not all come true. However, I was blessed with the best wish ever… My wish to be loved unconditionally and completely came to fruition in Bruce. I will always be thankful for that, and I will probably always grieve that loss of that. However, maybe having a better understanding of how all this plays itself out in my head and heart will be helpful going forward… And maybe (hopefully) I can learn to recognize that simmering anger before it takes over and learn to feel it, then let it go… I hope…
Grief is hard. I know it has changed me in ways I could never have prepared for, and in ways no one else might understand. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. I would guess that none of us wants to be on this path. Yet, this is where life has landed us. And at least for now, this is where we are. For me, life is now filled with challenges I never imagined. And each time I think I have it figured out, I find I haven’t at all. However, at this point in my journey, my goal is to let myself feel what I feel, while at the same time, looking at this life before me and finding the joy and the hope life still holds… Then, I want to hold onto that with everything I have.
Thanks to you, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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