Usually, (when nothing too crazy is happening), I pick a topic early in the week and work through it in my mind before I ever start writing – not always, but usually. Even this week, I thought I knew early in the week what I wanted to dive into today. However, I quickly found that I needed to work through something completely different – something I did not see coming.
As I mentioned the other day, I have found myself (emotionally) back at square one lately on this grief journey. While I know what triggered all of this, I have been trying to figure out what the lesson might be… What did I miss the first time that I need to figure out this time? And, of course, the Universe seems to be more than willing to help me find that answer… or at least another piece of it…
Each quarter at work, we are assigned several mandatory OSHA training courses to complete. No problem. While everyone says they are the same, or almost the same, each year, I am just coming up on my one-year anniversary, so they are all new to me.
I finished the first one on Monday morning in about 30 minutes. First thing on Wednesday morning, I opened the second one while I was simultaneously setting up my word document for taking notes. I hadn’t paid any attention to the topic title until I went to add it to my document… CPR…
“Oh, please, no,” I thought. “I can’t… Not now… Not today… Not while I am struggling with this ridiculous wave of grief and funk.”
Suddenly, my mind took me back to that night over 12 years ago…
I woke up to the sounds of Bruce having a bad dream – or so I thought. I nudged him and whispered, “Babe, you’re having a bad dream. Wake up.”
No response, but the sounds continued. I nudged him again – a little bit harder and spoke a little bit louder, “Babe. Wake up. You’re dreaming.”
Again – no response.
At that point, I was awake enough to realize that something wasn’t right. Quickly, I reached over him, turned on the lamp, and saw his face. It was grayish and he seemed to be struggling to breathe.
I hesitated for ½ a second, worried that I might be overreacting, before dialing 911, and letting the operator there guide me through the rhythm of CPR. Truthfully, I was certified and had been for years. However, in the stress and shock of the moment, I needed that calm voice to walk me through it.
EMS arrived soon after and took over. However, as I am sure you already know, they could not revive him… Bruce never woke up that night. He died… right there in my arms…
After the autopsy, the Medical Examiner told to me that I am actually “too small” to do CPR on an adult. He also went on to explain that CPR performed by a non-medical person only seems to be effective less than 50% of the time. However, it’s the other 50% that makes it worth trying.
At the time, all I could think about was that I had failed him. Bruce had never let me down, but I had failed him in the worst way… and that was something I struggled to forgive myself for for years. I was so utterly angry and disgusted with myself that I have never sought to be recertified in CPR since that day. Why bother? Why hadn’t anyone ever explained the reality of my even attempting CPR? It was all too much… No, thank you, I can’t do that again.
In fact, it was only about a year or so ago that I finally reprocessed that night in therapy using EMDR and have felt some peace about my efforts that night. I have learned to accept the reality that I did all I could – even the profession EMS responders couldn’t revive him. We all tried. We all gave it our best… Sometimes, though, despite our best efforts, things don’t work out the way we think they should.
Despite knowing all of that, when I opened that course and stared at the title, everything in me froze. I didn’t want to take the course… but I had no choice. Should I close it and put it off for another day? No… I would just be dreading it until it was behind me. So, I pressed on, and clicked “Start Course”.
Maybe the Divine (or the Universe or whatever word you prefer) heard my despair in that moment… I don’t know… However, this course, like all the others, started with a pre-test. If one can pass the pre-test with 80% or better, the course is considered “complete”, and no other work is needed. (Let me interject here that I have never passed one of these pretests.)
So… I opened the pretest… Five questions… I could miss one… “Please, God… Please… I don’t think I can take this course and be fit for anything else today. Please, give me wisdom… The last time I was certified was over 12 years ago. Please, let me remember.”
Question one… I got it right. (Thank you, God.)
Question two… I got it right. (Oh my gosh… please, don’t quit on me.)
Question three… I got it… WRONG. (No… Please, no… Please, give me courage… I can’t miss another one.)
Question four… I changed my answer twice – something I always tell my learners not to do. As I hit Submit, I could hear my own voice telling them, “Go with your gut… you know more than you think you know.” … I got it right. (Phew!!! One more… just one more.)
I took another deep breath. “Think, Linda, calm down and think.”
Question five… I sat there for probably 20 minutes before I could convince myself to hit Submit… Oh my gosh!! I got it right… I got it right! I couldn’t believe it. Tears of relief streamed down my face. I did it, and it was over. I would not have to battle my way through the whole course.
I was still quite shaken up, so I put myself in “do not disturb” mode and just let all the tears and emotions flow as I tried to move on with work. I don’t know why this got to me the way it did. I don’t know why my reaction was filled with so much panic. After all, I have worked through this. I should have been okay. It should have been no big deal – just another course to get through… But it wasn’t just another course, and it was a big deal.
Even now, I can’t articulate the effect this had on the rest of my week. Every time I think about it, that panicky feeling builds up and the tears start falling. I think it is crazy that I thought I was doing okay with this… And maybe I am… when I have the time to prep myself for encounters such as this.
Yet, when it is unexpected… when I don’t have the time to prepare emotionally for things like this, I need to be just as aware that I may still respond in a way that is reminiscent of those early days and years. Maybe I need to know that some things will always be a trigger, and that’s just how it is. Maybe it sets me back for a day or two… And maybe it gives me another chance to work through some residual feelings surrounding that night.
What I do know is this… Even the smallest steps are better than no steps, so I am still making progress… And maybe my lesson this time around is that, maybe… just maybe… I need to learn how to live with this memory without letting it dictate my life… To remember that I tried my best; there were other factors that made CPR impossible – and I had no control over any of those… and, finally…
“In every ending, there’s a new beginning hidden behind all of the sadness and regret. It’s your job to uncover it.” ~ r.h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, March 24
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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