March 2023 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… The Guardians

“People who extend compassion to us act as guardians of our soul… Though our journeys may leave us broken and burdened, we remain thoroughly beloved.” ~ Frank Rogers Jr., Compassion in Practice

Last week, I wrote about the heroes in my life… Those people who have held me up and supported me along this journey – some without ever knowing it and often in the most simple ways. Then, this week in my meditations, I came across the quote above.

YES! That is exactly what I was trying to say… These heroes have been the guardians of my soul throughout this whole process. I can’t even begin to tell you how much their presence – their compassion – has saved me… has pulled me away from the edge and reminded me that life is still a good thing… a thing worthwhile… My life is still worthwhile… even without Bruce. Their compassion has been my lifeboat in this storm, and I am forever grateful.

And here’s the other part of that story…

We can only give from what we have, right? I can’t give away a million dollars because I don’t have a million dollars. The same goes for love… and compassion… If I don’t have those, I can’t give them to others… And to have those, someone must have given them to me, as well.

These are the things that make the world a better place. They are free and simple to offer to others, IF we have also been offered them. They can take the form of a simple smile or hello when we pass a stranger. They can take the form of simply listening… not just to the words spoken, but also to the words unspoken. It can also mean understanding that when someone does not have love or compassion to offer, it is because that person is also missing it from their own soul.

When Bruce died, my world changed… a lot… That daily dose of love and compassion diminished greatly. My family was hundreds of miles away, and because we had not lived here for very long, our circle of friends was small and still in the just-getting-to-know-you stages.

At this point, every drop of compassion, no matter where it came from, was precious to me… like the beacon from a lighthouse when the storm is raging around you. This is what I truly want the heroes out there to know… Your love… your compassion, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential, had an impact. It left an impression on my soul. Like a beautiful piece of art, that love and compassion became something so wonderful I had to share it… I had to pass it on.

I think sometimes we forget how much the love and compassion of others affects us… affects the world, actually, as we share it with others on our path. And here’s the thing, there will be times when we don’t have it to give – like many of us when we are lost in grief. However, sometimes all it takes is that one smile… that one hug… that one moment of compassion offered that can change everything. I wish I had the words to express how much compassion – simple unwarranted compassion – offered in those moments affected me and changed the whole trajectory of my journey.

Thank you!

There will also be times when we offer compassion, but the other person is too lost or too empty to receive it. Their response may be one of not noticing… contempt… or even anger. That is all okay… It isn’t on any of us to ‘fix’ anyone else or to make them feel a certain way. None of us has the power to do any of that. It is simply on us to offer compassion to each other. Maybe it comes in the form of ignoring rude or ugly words… Maybe it is in the form of walking away from a contentious situation… Either of those is actually offering even more compassion for their situation. Who knows… maybe in time, their tank will refill. Either way, the results are not on us… Offering compassion is the only thing that is on us.

And one more thought…

When our soul is stripped bare, not only are we unable to offer love or compassion to others… we can’t even offer it to ourselves. It becomes so easy to fall down the rabbit hole of self-loathing or feelings of not being enough… Depression can so easily sneak in and sit beside us and pull us down even further.

But… when our tanks of love and compassion refill, we are not only able to offer these to others, we are also able to offer them to ourselves. Self-care and self-compassion can take root in our lives and even spill over into others’.

I love that! I love the fact that because so many others had extra to give, now I do too! I am learning to offer love and compassion to myself, as well as those I encounter day to day.

So… to all those heroes who knowingly (or unknowingly) became the guardians of my soul… Thank you!! Thank you for caring about me and for being the emissaries of love and compassion to my heart… You really are my heroes, and you have been the guardians of my soul… You have shown me that I am worthy of love and compassion when I forgot it myself… You have helped me learn to not only live life again, but to offer the same to others… And I love you dearly!

“Receiving their love replenishes the reservoirs out of which our own compassion flows toward others.” ~ Frank Rogers Jr., Compassion in Practice

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief… My Heroes

I am well aware that I spend a lot of time talking about the challenges of grief and being a widow. I am sure it can come across as “poor me”, but that really isn’t my mindset.

Sure… Being a widow sucks… Losing Bruce sucks… I have my hard days/moments when I hate this whole thing and can feel pretty sorry for myself. You see, there are definite scenarios that most people who grieve have (or will) encounter… and some are not so good. I write a lot about these… Not to go on a pity rant, but to share my experiences week to week in an attempt to help anyone in the same boat know that their own experiences/thoughts/feelings are all “normal”. (As if anything about grief is “normal”.)

Personally, I remember when I started on this journey, I needed to hear other people’s stories, in order to make sense of my own. That is why I write this. So, I hope that makes sense.

That being said, today I want to talk about something a little bit different… I want to talk about the many heroes I have encountered on this journey… If nothing else, it can serve as a reminder to look for the positives, right?

There were heroes sent to me from the very beginning. First, there was the police officer who drove me to and from the hospital that awful night. He was young, and I can’t even imagine if he ever had to drive someone in a similar situation to the hospital. Did he already know Bruce was dead? Given that we waited for him to arrive to our home before the ambulance left for the hospital, I would guess – yes. Besides, I know he heard me calling my parents from the backseat and saying, “I think Bruce is dead.” I don’t remember much more about that ride.

However, I do know he walked me into the ER and explained who I was, because I was in shock. Then, he sat with me… the entire time I was at the hospital, he stayed close by – a strong, secure, quiet presence… I didn’t know it at the time, but I needed that. And when he finally drove me back home, he took his time, and gave me some safety advice about living alone… my “new normal”.

The next few heroes on this path were the family and friends who came as soon as they got the message. I remember my boss, at the time, was the first one here (at 3 am). I don’t remember any of our conversation, but I know she stayed with me until my son arrived several hours later.

Then, the rest of my family and Bruce’s family all arrived within the next several hours… (Heroes – all of them!) And from the moment she arrived, my dear sweet sister never left my side. She slept with me those first several nights and held me (or my hand) – simply to remind me that I wasn’t alone… I didn’t need to do this alone.

There is also Bruce’s family… Everything I have read says to expect the spouse’s family to eventually fade out of your life. I love them so much and was terrified of losing that connection. But no…Through the years, they have remained fiercely by my side – reminding me constantly that they are my family too… And I am theirs.

Through the years, there have been heroes who have held me up – some without ever knowing it and others in the most simple of ways, such as a kind message of love and encouragement. For example, one of my fellow teachers from my school in SC has consistently sent me messages of encouragement and reminders that I remain always in her prayers. I thank God for her… Those messages have gotten me through some truly rough days.

There are also people I supervised years ago in Michigan who sent me a “comfort blanket” last year. It has become my absolute favorite, snuggle blanket. I am all about textures, so when I am down, I find great comfort in it’s warmth and softness, as I remember that I am loved.

Of course, no list would be complete without mentioning my kids and my grandson. With the exception of one of my daughters (who happens to live in another country and I talk to weekly), all the rest live within an hour or two. All of them never fail to hold me up on those tough days, like holidays and anniversaries. If I want to be alone, they respect that. If I need company, they are happy to be here. Either way, they make sure I know I am loved… That means the world to me!

There are also my work friends, who are always willing to give me a big bear hug whenever needed. As well as my FB friends whose motivational posts can usually touch my heart when it is most needed. I even have one friend who is currently sharing her mental health journey. She was one of my first mentors in the corporate world, and here she is again leading with her own courage… And I am paying attention.

Finally, there are the people who have no idea what they mean to me… This includes my new woman’s group, my therapist, and so many others… You know what I mean – those people who never knew Bruce, but who genuinely care about me as a woman and where my heart is.

I think that is it… Not the end of the list, (because I am sure I have left off so many more)… But that is the point… These people… All of these people genuinely care about me and where my heart is… I am so thankful for and to each person who has supported me when I couldn’t support myself. All of you who have been patient in helping me learn to live life again. Each and every one of you is my hero… And I love you dearly!
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times.

So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Working on Grace

Yep… Still me… and yep… Still working my way along this path that I find myself on… One step at a time… And if I had to pinpoint one phrase that sums up this journey I have been on for so long, I would say it is ‘a journey to find myself’.

The crazy thing is, I’m not even sure what that end result should look like. As I’ve written before, I was raised to be “a good girl” – doing what others in authority expected of me, (as I am sure many of you were too). The crazy thing is that as a child in the world I was raised in, almost everyone had authority over me – all adults, anyone male, and anyone older. I’m not sure that was the actual message spoken, but it was the one I took in.

In my first marriage, my ex believed he had the authority to treat the rest of us however he saw fit. He even threatened several times to “turn me into ‘the church’” if I didn’t follow his directives and humble myself to the “proper station” as his wife. (Insert eye roll here.) I never could get it right, though, so I was constantly in trouble. After I finally walked away from that relationship, I was left feeling defeated, broken, and completely hopeless.

I think Bruce was one of the first people to speak to that and say, “No, that isn’t right.” He was the first one to show me that I was in charge of me… He didn’t believe nor did he want me to be “less than” him. He wanted a partner… Someone on equal footing with him. He consistently pointed out that I was the one who had authority over me. Granted, there are other figures of authority that I need to respect, but ultimately, I am in charge of me. That was something new and different… And I found that I really liked it!

I was like a toddler learning to walk in this new-found freedom – not completely steady on my feet. I stumbled quite a bit, but with his encouragement, I learned to keep getting back up and starting again.

Then, almost as quickly as he came into my life, he was gone… I was devastated. Without him by my side, I found myself spiraling into an abyss that had no end… I was failing at living. I cried night and day. And as much as I wanted to believe in a God who cared, I didn’t feel it… Instead, I felt totally alone with no spiritual or emotional tools to grasp and hang onto.

As the years have passed, I have been working to get back on that path Bruce started me on… The one where I live my life… the one where I care about myself… and love myself. Which brings me to this week.

As I have been talking about, I have been struggling a lot lately with depression derived from an overabundance of self-loathing. I have been working on me, but the more I get to know myself, the less I like myself. The more I delve into the mistakes I have made in this life, the more disgusted I have been with me… It has not been good… It has not been healthy.

Then, today at church, something clicked. (Don’t get me wrong, I know I still have a long road ahead.) First of all, I had only been going to this little church for a couple of weeks when I was called back to SC to help with some family things. So, I have been out of town for several weeks. Yet, as soon as I walked in, I was greeted with some the most genuine glad-you-are-back hugs and love I have ever known. As the service started and the music played, the words being spoken went straight to my heart. It was all about loving ourselves and giving ourselves grace – grace to make mistakes and grace to fall down and get back up again… It was exactly what I needed to hear today.

I know this path in front of me (without Bruce) will still be a long one. I know I can stay broken. I can keep repeating patterns of dysfunction over and over… OR… I can listen to that divine voice of God within myself and give myself grace when I stumble… the same grace I so easily offer to others. (Why not myself too?)

Bruce gave me such a wonderful gift all those years ago when he believed in me and my ability to walk beside him. Now, it is my turn to pick up that baton and follow this light into a new and unknown space. Bruce always tried to get me to understand the power that is within me – that divine power to create a life of security, serenity, and love – for others and for myself.

Today I am feeling a joy that I haven’t felt in years. A joy in knowing that the divine within me wants me to be courageous and filled with compassion for all of God’s creation… which (to my surprise) also includes myself.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Grief, Depression, and Hope

Grief… Depression… and Hope? Over the last several years, as I am working my way along this current path I find myself on, these three words have come up a lot! I guess that is a good thing, because each time, I learn a little bit more about me… And (usually) the next steps I need to take on this road.

Before exploring this, let’s look at their definitions (according to several sources),
• Grief is a deep sorrow, especially that caused by loss, such as (but not always) the death of someone.
• Depression is considered a mood disorder characterized by persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding and enjoyable activities or life itself.
• Hope is a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment; to await some occurrence or outcome with implied certainty that what one desires or longs for will happen.

So how do these words go together?…

Immediately after Bruce died, I felt grief… Absolute, overwhelming sorrow at the loss of this man I love. But that really doesn’t explain it… You see, it wasn’t just the person… And it wasn’t just the relationship… His loss involved so much more than just those two things.

For just a moment, let’s think about a few things. First, think about the person – who they were, their voice, their smile, their laughter… Think about the things that were specific to them… Those little idiosyncrasies (whether you liked those things or not) that made them who they were… That was the man I lost.

Now think about what that person added to the two of you, within the relationship or as a couple. What were those little things that made the two of you special when you were together? Was it the way they filled your “love tank” or maybe it was the way they interacted with your kids or your family as you simply observed and let them “do their thing”… That was the relationship.

But we all know, that isn’t all of it… Think about all the precious memories and experiences you shared. Think about your dreams for your future together. Think about all the roles that person may have played within your life… Maybe they were the one to take care of the taxes or do the yard. Maybe they were the one to help with the homework or cook the dinner. Were they the one to plan the trips or come up with that fun thing to do on the weekend? Whatever it was, each of us brings different gifts and talents to the table that we add to each relationship… Many times, these are the very things that trigger and re-trigger our grief each time we encounter that specific missing piece from our life.

Which brings us to that next word, depression. Not too long after Bruce died, most of the people around me had moved on… And while that was hard to watch at the time, they should… And I knew that. The hard part came with the people who thought I should move along as quickly as they did. While I am sure there were different reasons for their thought process, I believe the biggest reason was that this was something they had not experienced. Perhaps, they thought (like I did before Bruce died), that there was a list of feelings to work though; after that, the grief is over – like a checklist and a switch… So when that didn’t happen, they chose to pull out another word, depression.

What most of us find, though, is that grief does not come with a checklist. Yes, there are the emotions you hear about – the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). The problem is these were originally meant for someone facing death… someone actually dying. Over time, they have been applied to those grieving. Yet, while it is true, you will feel all of these, it is not a nice, neat, orderly occurrence. It is more like a tangled up, knotted up ball of emotions, with those five popping in and out of your psyche day in and day out. Sure, over time, we learn how to manage these better. However, the timing is different for each of us, depending on our support, the triggers around us, and how much hope we feel about tomorrow.

So… hope… that last word. That is the part that has been the hardest for me. If hope is a belief that something longed for will happen, then grief is the exact opposite. Why? Because the very thing we long for… the person we have lost is not coming back. We know without any doubt at all that that person… that relationship… all the things they brought into our world are permanently… forever… gone. As we find ourselves looking at the years ahead (no, we don’t just look at the days), we struggle to see what the future can hold that will bring that special light back into our world.

So then, I suppose, that becomes the goal… finding hope in a world where we have lost hope.

Since Bruce died, I have had my good days and my bad days. I have had moments where I felt there was hope for my tomorrow and days when I didn’t want to face tomorrow. In case you couldn’t tell here, due to life’s current circumstances, the last several months have been filled with more hopeless days than usual… I know my depression has been a struggle, and I am working on it… I haven’t given up… I know I can figure this out. Then, because the Universe tends to push me past my comfort zone, my journal prompt today was: “Hope starts with the promises of God.”

I almost laughed out loud! Of course, that was the prompt today! Because ‘hope’ is the one thing I have not felt lately… It has been the straw I keep trying to grasp, but keep missing… So, here were my thoughts…
“I think that is where my depression stems from – a loss of hope. Remembering that even when my heart hurts… even when my loss feels like more than I can bear… remembering God is compassionate to my pain is where I need to focus and what I need to hang on to, because this is where my hope comes from… A hope that the next moment, hour, or even tomorrow can be better. Remembering and trusting… those aren’t my usual first reactions… but I am working on it. In the meantime, I will give myself the time needed to cope with the changes in my life and to seek comfort for as long as I may need it… and knowing that this growth can be easier when I turn to the divine within and allow myself to feel God’s comforting presence in each moment.“

“Out of my distress I called on the Lord, and the Lord answered me.” ~ Psalm 118:5
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that – however it looks.