Grief… Depression… and Hope? Over the last several years, as I am working my way along this current path I find myself on, these three words have come up a lot! I guess that is a good thing, because each time, I learn a little bit more about me… And (usually) the next steps I need to take on this road.
Before exploring this, let’s look at their definitions (according to several sources),
• Grief is a deep sorrow, especially that caused by loss, such as (but not always) the death of someone.
• Depression is considered a mood disorder characterized by persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding and enjoyable activities or life itself.
• Hope is a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment; to await some occurrence or outcome with implied certainty that what one desires or longs for will happen.
So how do these words go together?…
Immediately after Bruce died, I felt grief… Absolute, overwhelming sorrow at the loss of this man I love. But that really doesn’t explain it… You see, it wasn’t just the person… And it wasn’t just the relationship… His loss involved so much more than just those two things.
For just a moment, let’s think about a few things. First, think about the person – who they were, their voice, their smile, their laughter… Think about the things that were specific to them… Those little idiosyncrasies (whether you liked those things or not) that made them who they were… That was the man I lost.
Now think about what that person added to the two of you, within the relationship or as a couple. What were those little things that made the two of you special when you were together? Was it the way they filled your “love tank” or maybe it was the way they interacted with your kids or your family as you simply observed and let them “do their thing”… That was the relationship.
But we all know, that isn’t all of it… Think about all the precious memories and experiences you shared. Think about your dreams for your future together. Think about all the roles that person may have played within your life… Maybe they were the one to take care of the taxes or do the yard. Maybe they were the one to help with the homework or cook the dinner. Were they the one to plan the trips or come up with that fun thing to do on the weekend? Whatever it was, each of us brings different gifts and talents to the table that we add to each relationship… Many times, these are the very things that trigger and re-trigger our grief each time we encounter that specific missing piece from our life.
Which brings us to that next word, depression. Not too long after Bruce died, most of the people around me had moved on… And while that was hard to watch at the time, they should… And I knew that. The hard part came with the people who thought I should move along as quickly as they did. While I am sure there were different reasons for their thought process, I believe the biggest reason was that this was something they had not experienced. Perhaps, they thought (like I did before Bruce died), that there was a list of feelings to work though; after that, the grief is over – like a checklist and a switch… So when that didn’t happen, they chose to pull out another word, depression.
What most of us find, though, is that grief does not come with a checklist. Yes, there are the emotions you hear about – the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). The problem is these were originally meant for someone facing death… someone actually dying. Over time, they have been applied to those grieving. Yet, while it is true, you will feel all of these, it is not a nice, neat, orderly occurrence. It is more like a tangled up, knotted up ball of emotions, with those five popping in and out of your psyche day in and day out. Sure, over time, we learn how to manage these better. However, the timing is different for each of us, depending on our support, the triggers around us, and how much hope we feel about tomorrow.
So… hope… that last word. That is the part that has been the hardest for me. If hope is a belief that something longed for will happen, then grief is the exact opposite. Why? Because the very thing we long for… the person we have lost is not coming back. We know without any doubt at all that that person… that relationship… all the things they brought into our world are permanently… forever… gone. As we find ourselves looking at the years ahead (no, we don’t just look at the days), we struggle to see what the future can hold that will bring that special light back into our world.
So then, I suppose, that becomes the goal… finding hope in a world where we have lost hope.
Since Bruce died, I have had my good days and my bad days. I have had moments where I felt there was hope for my tomorrow and days when I didn’t want to face tomorrow. In case you couldn’t tell here, due to life’s current circumstances, the last several months have been filled with more hopeless days than usual… I know my depression has been a struggle, and I am working on it… I haven’t given up… I know I can figure this out. Then, because the Universe tends to push me past my comfort zone, my journal prompt today was: “Hope starts with the promises of God.”
I almost laughed out loud! Of course, that was the prompt today! Because ‘hope’ is the one thing I have not felt lately… It has been the straw I keep trying to grasp, but keep missing… So, here were my thoughts…
“I think that is where my depression stems from – a loss of hope. Remembering that even when my heart hurts… even when my loss feels like more than I can bear… remembering God is compassionate to my pain is where I need to focus and what I need to hang on to, because this is where my hope comes from… A hope that the next moment, hour, or even tomorrow can be better. Remembering and trusting… those aren’t my usual first reactions… but I am working on it. In the meantime, I will give myself the time needed to cope with the changes in my life and to seek comfort for as long as I may need it… and knowing that this growth can be easier when I turn to the divine within and allow myself to feel God’s comforting presence in each moment.“
“Out of my distress I called on the Lord, and the Lord answered me.” ~ Psalm 118:5
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that – however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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