depression – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Feeling a Little Bit Lost

Sitting down to write today, and I am struggling about what to say… and how to say it. I don’t want conflict, so I will try my best to write in a way that unites us in our experiences – nothing more.

I didn’t write last week, because I was traveling home from Vegas, where I had been working for almost a month. Between the all-day traveling on Saturday, the jet lag, commitments on Sunday, as well as responsibilities that had to be addressed immediately after so long away, I just didn’t have anything more to give. I was spent. In fact, if I am honest, I am still trying to work past the jet lag and readjust to the Eastern time zone.

What I have been surprised at, though, is my emotional state this week…

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was feeling isolated, alone and scared while in Vegas – spending the majority of my “free” time alone and working in my hotel room was taking a toll. I thought once I got home, around friends and family, I would feel better. Those feelings would somehow dissipate with all the love and hugs I knew awaited me here.

And there has been a lot of love and hugs! That has been a balm to my soul; it truly has. At the same time, with all that is happening in the world, (which seems to bombard my every waking moment), I haven’t managed to shake those feelings at all. In fact, I would say that on top of those, depression has started to set in… and I am constantly struggling to fight it.

I am still finding that sleep is almost non-existent, and my morning meditation is better but not where it needs to be to be effective. It’s almost a joke between my son and I that the times I try to pray or meditate seem to be the only times I actually fall asleep. (Maybe connecting with Spirit is my comfort right now?)

The difference between being here this week and Vegas the previous weeks, though, isn’t just being back with family and friends, it is the energy of this space – our home. I do feel Bruce here, and I relish that.

Now comes the hard part… my confession, I suppose.

I find myself feeling angry at him… Angry about him dying and leaving me here alone to deal with all this crap that is happening around me. I can’t deal with all these people I love and care about saying the nastiest things to each other. People being mean without any thought to the damage being created and seemingly feeling entitled to do it in the name of whatever ideology they adhere to at the moment.

I don’t understand any of this behavior, especially among friends. Sure, I have my opinions, but I respect and believe in others’ rights to their opinions. I even tried to have a respectful conversation on FB to discuss things in a civil, respectful manner… My attempt to find ways we are aligned vs divided However, while no one responded to the post. Instead, several people told me privately that they didn’t feel safe talking in a public forum.

So, I tried simply stating my own views without condemning anyone else’s – hoping again that we might find a united way forward. However, someone who actually agrees with me added a comment with so much aggression that I took the whole thing down… That isn’t at all what I want to convey.

I wasn’t built for all this hate. I can’t… I just can’t…

And so, I find myself back where I originally started on this journey… Not suicidal but not wanting to be here without Bruce, either. I want to simply lay in his arms where I feel safe for just a little bit. At the same time, I also feel angry at him… Angry because I feel abandoned – something I haven’t felt in years… I’m so incredibly angry that I have to navigate all this crap without him – alone.

Then, to go with that, I also feel depressed because I just want to love the people whom I love, (no matter which side of the fence they are on), without all the hostility and challenges and name calling and disrespect… And I can’t seem to have any of that right now.

I remember someone once said grief was like a big, ball of knotted up string, and finding a way to make it straight again is the challenge… That is precisely how I feel. I thought I was finally starting to straighten it out, but instead, here I am starting at square one all over again.

I’m sorry… I usually try to end on a positive note… I try to share something I have learned that has helped me take a step forward, even if it is just a baby step. But I can’t today… Today, I am struggling with what we all seem to experience along this journey – one of those “grief tsunamis”.

Will I be okay? Yes… I absolutely know that I will. This one is just taking a bit longer than usual. I guess I have forgotten how deep and dark these feelings can be. Yet, I know that with a little bit of self-care, (and a lot of love), I will find my footing again… It just isn’t happening in this moment.

So, for now, I will just keep reminding myself to dig deep… to release my worldly concerns and feel the presence of the Divine… and Bruce… and the love of my family and friends. I know that while I might feel isolated and alone, that is not the reality… I know I am surrounded by people who love and care… and who probably need my support, as well.

… I know I am not facing my challenges alone… None of us are… Maybe we all simply need to remember that.

(Karen Drucker – There is Only Love)
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love, and Grief… When Things Get Tough

What a year! It is only May, and… WOW! 2023 has been rough… really rough… almost as hard as 2013, (the year Bruce died), but not quite.

I have lost so much this year. I have lost family, and I have lost friends… And my heart is ripped to shreds. I am almost to the point of never wanting to answer my phone or venture out into the world again, (but I am hanging in there for now).

I know this is just the way life is… In fact, I can’t tell you how many times I used to tell my kids, “life isn’t fair”, because it isn’t – not always. Sometimes, life is wonderful – full of promise and blessings. Other times, it is not… Sometimes it feels desperate and hard – like there is no way out… no light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, I know, somehow it all works out in the end… I just need to hang onto that.

While speaking to my counselor this week, I told her about the grief and depression, and how overwhelmed I feel lately. It has gotten so all-encompassing, I can’t seem to hold my focus on anything… Shoot, even in our short 30-minute session, I lost my train of thought three times (that I can recall), and she had to prompt me on what I was talking about. She was so kind and patient. Like a good counselor, though, she never tells me what to do or think… She simply states the facts back to me, asks great questions, and gives suggestions on how I might work through some of this.

I think this week’s struggles have had a lot to do with some not-so-good news I received last week. Nothing devastating or urgent. However, I definitely have some major decisions to make in the next few weeks and none of the options feel great. So, for now, I am in limbo, waiting… and praying that some small piece of wisdom enters my mind and puts my soul at peace with a decision.

Of course, through it all, you know what I have wished for, right? Yep… Bruce!

I wish he were here… I would give anything to feel his arms around me, telling me that whatever I decide, it will be okay… or to have his input… To hear him not tell me what to do, but to ask me the questions that allow me to walk through each possibility to determine which choice is right for me. He was always so good at that… Helping me look past what other people want or expect, and instead, focus on what I need with a clear understanding of how that choice may or may not affect others. Ultimately, though, making the choice that works best for me… God, how I miss that!

For now, I think “acceptance” is what I need to work on…

“Acceptance. That’s where many struggle. As long as they keep saying, ‘Life isn’t supposed to work like this,’ they’re stuck in their confusion and pain. Once they can say, ‘This is the way life is,’ they no longer need to answer the question.” ~ Cecil Murphy, My Parents, My Children

… To not worry and stress about what to do as much as remembering not to give up hope… To sit in the quiet and let go of all the worries that keep tumbling around in my head… And to know that the answers will come in their own time.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Grief, Depression, and Hope

Grief… Depression… and Hope? Over the last several years, as I am working my way along this current path I find myself on, these three words have come up a lot! I guess that is a good thing, because each time, I learn a little bit more about me… And (usually) the next steps I need to take on this road.

Before exploring this, let’s look at their definitions (according to several sources),
• Grief is a deep sorrow, especially that caused by loss, such as (but not always) the death of someone.
• Depression is considered a mood disorder characterized by persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding and enjoyable activities or life itself.
• Hope is a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment; to await some occurrence or outcome with implied certainty that what one desires or longs for will happen.

So how do these words go together?…

Immediately after Bruce died, I felt grief… Absolute, overwhelming sorrow at the loss of this man I love. But that really doesn’t explain it… You see, it wasn’t just the person… And it wasn’t just the relationship… His loss involved so much more than just those two things.

For just a moment, let’s think about a few things. First, think about the person – who they were, their voice, their smile, their laughter… Think about the things that were specific to them… Those little idiosyncrasies (whether you liked those things or not) that made them who they were… That was the man I lost.

Now think about what that person added to the two of you, within the relationship or as a couple. What were those little things that made the two of you special when you were together? Was it the way they filled your “love tank” or maybe it was the way they interacted with your kids or your family as you simply observed and let them “do their thing”… That was the relationship.

But we all know, that isn’t all of it… Think about all the precious memories and experiences you shared. Think about your dreams for your future together. Think about all the roles that person may have played within your life… Maybe they were the one to take care of the taxes or do the yard. Maybe they were the one to help with the homework or cook the dinner. Were they the one to plan the trips or come up with that fun thing to do on the weekend? Whatever it was, each of us brings different gifts and talents to the table that we add to each relationship… Many times, these are the very things that trigger and re-trigger our grief each time we encounter that specific missing piece from our life.

Which brings us to that next word, depression. Not too long after Bruce died, most of the people around me had moved on… And while that was hard to watch at the time, they should… And I knew that. The hard part came with the people who thought I should move along as quickly as they did. While I am sure there were different reasons for their thought process, I believe the biggest reason was that this was something they had not experienced. Perhaps, they thought (like I did before Bruce died), that there was a list of feelings to work though; after that, the grief is over – like a checklist and a switch… So when that didn’t happen, they chose to pull out another word, depression.

What most of us find, though, is that grief does not come with a checklist. Yes, there are the emotions you hear about – the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). The problem is these were originally meant for someone facing death… someone actually dying. Over time, they have been applied to those grieving. Yet, while it is true, you will feel all of these, it is not a nice, neat, orderly occurrence. It is more like a tangled up, knotted up ball of emotions, with those five popping in and out of your psyche day in and day out. Sure, over time, we learn how to manage these better. However, the timing is different for each of us, depending on our support, the triggers around us, and how much hope we feel about tomorrow.

So… hope… that last word. That is the part that has been the hardest for me. If hope is a belief that something longed for will happen, then grief is the exact opposite. Why? Because the very thing we long for… the person we have lost is not coming back. We know without any doubt at all that that person… that relationship… all the things they brought into our world are permanently… forever… gone. As we find ourselves looking at the years ahead (no, we don’t just look at the days), we struggle to see what the future can hold that will bring that special light back into our world.

So then, I suppose, that becomes the goal… finding hope in a world where we have lost hope.

Since Bruce died, I have had my good days and my bad days. I have had moments where I felt there was hope for my tomorrow and days when I didn’t want to face tomorrow. In case you couldn’t tell here, due to life’s current circumstances, the last several months have been filled with more hopeless days than usual… I know my depression has been a struggle, and I am working on it… I haven’t given up… I know I can figure this out. Then, because the Universe tends to push me past my comfort zone, my journal prompt today was: “Hope starts with the promises of God.”

I almost laughed out loud! Of course, that was the prompt today! Because ‘hope’ is the one thing I have not felt lately… It has been the straw I keep trying to grasp, but keep missing… So, here were my thoughts…
“I think that is where my depression stems from – a loss of hope. Remembering that even when my heart hurts… even when my loss feels like more than I can bear… remembering God is compassionate to my pain is where I need to focus and what I need to hang on to, because this is where my hope comes from… A hope that the next moment, hour, or even tomorrow can be better. Remembering and trusting… those aren’t my usual first reactions… but I am working on it. In the meantime, I will give myself the time needed to cope with the changes in my life and to seek comfort for as long as I may need it… and knowing that this growth can be easier when I turn to the divine within and allow myself to feel God’s comforting presence in each moment.“

“Out of my distress I called on the Lord, and the Lord answered me.” ~ Psalm 118:5
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that – however it looks.