Tag: hope

Peace, Love, and Grief – Looking Back or Moving Forward

“Hope is the expectation of future good and is often impacted by time, but you are the one controlling the process.” ~ The Sweetest Christmas: Advent 2023, December 4, 2023

I missed writing last week as I was celebrating the holiday with my family… Not all of my family, but most of them, including my daughter and her husband, from across the pond. It has been well over a decade since I shared this holiday with my daughter, and I have never shared it with them as a couple. So, this time, this year has held so much joy and love, and I am trying to take it all in and hold onto these precious memories being made… Because we all know that another year… day… or moment is not promised.

Then, this week, as we have moved closer to the new year, my mind has also moved on to “what is next”…

Years ago, when Bruce first passed away, I didn’t want to think about what lay ahead. All I could see ahead of me were years and years of being without Bruce… Years and years of not seeing his gentle eyes or mischievous grin… Years and years of not hearing him say he loves me or holding me in the middle of the night… Years and years spent alone.

And each time I thought of all those future years “without”, that was all I could see. My whole outlook was one of scarcity… I couldn’t see or even remotely imagine living my life without Bruce, much less learning to feel any kind of hope or joy in that future.

Through the years that have followed, I have slowly… very slowly learned to find happiness… then joy… and peace… And this year, I finally found hope again. It wasn’t easy and it didn’t happen overnight. Instead, it was an ideology that was presented to me early in the year. The crazy thing is it wasn’t even a new idea to me. It is one I heard before but didn’t quite know how to implement. Maybe it was the timing, or maybe I was simply “ready” … Maybe it was due to the support I have felt in my life this year.

What I heard years ago was from Wayne Dyer – “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” Which is a great quote, and I understand the point. However, at the time, I couldn’t figure out how to act on it. I would try, but I struggled for consistency… My thoughts seemed to always wander back down the rabbit hole of grief and loneliness.

This year, though, I heard it worded a bit different … It was worded in a way that left me feeling empowered. I don’t know why; I know we are each inspired or triggered by certain words, so I am guessing I needed something more succinct… Maybe? Who knows?

The phrase is “Our thoughts create our experiences”. For whatever the reason, this simple phrasing has felt easier to act upon. I do believe that my thoughts will color whatever is happening in my world. If I am having a rough day, it is easy to only see the things that go wrong. Yet, when I am having a good day, the opposite happens, and I seem to only see the blessings happening around me.

Since Bruce died, I have struggled with depression and grief. Those emotions colored everything. Even the joy and hope I might have felt was covered in the grayness of depression and grief. As the years passed, I learned that I had to watch how far I allowed myself to go down the rabbit hole, but I hadn’t quite wrapped my mind around changing my thoughts… Until this year.

This idea that my happiness… my joy… my peace… my hope… my entire attitude is what will actually create the way I experience my future has been eye-opening. When I hear someone say to let go of those things that aren’t serving me, I know that those things are not people or situations. Instead, it is my attitude toward those people or situations.

To help me move the dial on those thoughts, I have reached out for support from friends and family, as well as, going through some serious therapy for past traumas, such as Bruce’s death. Has my whole world changed overnight? Am I now happy-go-lucky all the time? No and no…

First of all, just building the habit of being aware of my thoughts and where I am letting them lead me has been a process. It still is… I am better at it than I was 11 months ago. Yet, I believe this will always be something I need to monitor.

Second, I don’t think it is about being “happy-go-lucky” all the time. That isn’t my goal, and it isn’t healthy either. (In fact, I think that can easily be a toxic positivity.) Instead, I think it is about being honest about your feelings and thoughts, but instead of letting them run rampant, I need to acknowledge and work through them before they take over and color everything in my world.

This year has also offered plenty of opportunities for me to practice this new way of living. There has been plenty of loss… plenty of hurt. Have I gotten it right each time? No. Have I gotten a little better each time? Yes… and that is my goal… to stop being stuck looking back, and instead to keep finding the hope in each situation… to keep moving forward… even if it is teeny, tiny baby steps.

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Learning to Accept What Is

Note: My apologies for not posting last week. I was spending some very needed time with family. <3

This past week marked what would have been our 18th wedding anniversary. It’s hard to believe that wonderful day when we joined our lives was that long ago. It feels like only yesterday. I know it’s been more than 10 years since Bruce’s death, and yet… our time together still seems so closely connected to my life… even now.

This is the time of year that always holds its challenges for me. There is one memorable event after another – our anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of our meeting, New Years, and the anniversary of his death. Whew! It is a lot of emotions in a short span of time!

This year, there has even been a little more craziness to add to the pile. The company where I have worked for 17 years made the necessary decision to lay off 2400 people at the end of September. While my kids who also work there were safe, my job (and most of my department) was considered expendable at this time. So… here I am looking for a job, while balancing all these other events in the background. (Sigh…)

In the past, I know I would have been an emotional basket case. In fact, this blog likely would have been filled with all kinds of sadness and self-pity… Not this year, though… At least, not this week.

As I have said before, I have spent this year working on me… learning to simply “be”… learning to focus on “what is” versus “what was”. I have found a church which has encouraged my own spiritual growth, made friends who have similar goals and focus, and learned to let go (with love) of those things that I cannot control or do not serve me in a positive way. Therefore, when this quote popped up in my readings last week, it truly spoke to my heart.

“We may not always get what we want, but through gratitude and giving, we have the opportunity to want what we already have and to realize just how much we have to give.”
~ Teresa Burton, The Daily Word Nov – Dec 2023 edition, Dear Reader

I know this is the month of gratitude, so I wasn’t surprised to read this. What did surprise me was my response to it. In the past, I would have thought, “Yeah, sure, but… how can I be thankful during this time when I am constantly reminded of all that I have lost?” Instead, my heart has embraced this idea.

Why? I think a lot of it has to do with the wording. Rather than telling the reader what to feel or not feel, this quote starts with empathy for what is not – “We may not always get what we want…” The word “may” instead of a harsher “don’t” makes the difference for me. If the phrase were “we don’t always get what we want”, I would have stopped reading, because that sounds like the beginnings of a lecture. It would have lacked the empathy that I still need to hear.

Then, this quote gives some ideas for direction – “… through gratitude and giving, …” In other words, it isn’t just about gratitude for what I do have, it also involves looking outside of myself to see where I might help someone else with their struggles. That is definitely something I have taken to heart this year… By looking outside of myself, my focus changes. Instead, I find myself looking at others. I’m not trying to “rescue” anyone, but I can offer kindness and understanding, or maybe there is a physical need where I can help. Next thing I know, my own struggles don’t seem so all-encompassing.

Finally, the quote ends with hope – “… we have the opportunity to want what we already have and to realize just how much we have to give.” Hope for opportunities to come and realization of what we have… This is something that is hard to hold onto when we are grieving. Trust me… I know. For years, I have struggled to find any kind of hope in a life without Bruce. However, when I focus on the opportunities and possibilities ahead, life looks completely different.

So… This year, as I move through each of these days and weeks ahead with such deep emotional reminders (and possible triggers), I pray that I really can remember Bruce and all that we had, while also remembering to express my gratitude for all that is – my friends, my family, my health, the job that is waiting for me, and my faith that tells me there are so many more wonderful possibilities out there simply waiting for me to discover them.

________________________________________________________

Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Letting Go

Fall… I love this time of year. Granted, in Florida, there aren’t the huge seasonal changes as in other places, but still… there are enough changes for us to notice. I love the cool (for Florida) nights and the cooler temps during the days. We don’t get a lot of color changes here… Okay, there are none at all in the trees, but the flowers that bloom are different than the ones blooming a few short weeks ago. (I guess, it’s all in what you choose to see.)

This year, fall has also held some other thoughts for me… Partly in the lessons to be learned by the world around us…

“And so begins the season of letting go,
When Mother Nature shows us all,
How it’s done.
Let go,
Free yourself“
~ From the poem, “The Season of Letting Go” by Donna Ashworth

Over the last several weeks, God, (the Universe, Spirit, whatever you prefer to call it), has been (what feels like) screaming at me to “let it go”. It started last month while on a retreat. We were talking about the different capacities of the mind that can be a link to God based on the divine spark within all people. We each pulled a card with one of these capacities listed on it to form a discussion team… and the one I pulled was… (drumroll, please) … the power of release.

Honestly, at the time, I didn’t think much of it on a personal level. I met with my group. We had a quick discussion about letting go of those things in our lives that are no longer serving us. Maybe these things had served a purpose at some point… maybe not. Either way, release involves letting those things go, so we can move forward in a healthy way. Nice discussion… great lesson… and as far as I was concerned, it was over… Only it wasn’t…

Instead, there have been constant little reminders every single day about letting go… releasing… and moving forward. This past week, it felt like the messages got even louder when in one of my meditations, it simply stated, “There are times when you have to let go.”

Seriously?? Okay… I’m listening… But… Let go of what?? Let go of people who hurt me? (What if that isn’t the answer? What if I can’t?) Let go of my old career expectations? (I’m currently looking to do that.) Let go of my grief for Bruce? (I don’t think I’m ready.) Let go of past traumas? (I’m working on that.) As more time has passed, I have felt more lost and frustrated, but still no answers… Let go of what?? It has been making me crazy!!

Even at Yoga this week, the instructor did something different, and led a yoga meditation for the hour based on… you guessed… letting go. She started with a wonderful poem by Saphire Rose called, “She Let Go”. Before the first line had been read, I was a puddle of tears…

“She let go. Without a thought
or a word, she let go.”
~ Saphire Rose, “She Let Go”

I came home and simply sat… It was obvious by this point that there is something I need to release, but what?… Obviously, I can think of a few things, but if those are to be released, then could someone, please, show me how? … So, I sat, and I pondered… But I got no answers… until this morning.

This morning, I did something I have not done since Bruce died. I sang… in public… at church. What in the world was I thinking??

You see, I have sung my entire life. When Bruce died, though, I simply stopped singing. It wasn’t really a conscious decision like “oh, Bruce died. I’ll never sing again.” Instead, it was more like all the joy in my world was suddenly gone and with it went my music. I have even written about it here a time or two. After a few years, I did finally start singing in the car or when I was alone at home, but only if it was Christmas music, or if I was clowning around with my grandson. In other words, the times were few and far between.

Then, with all the radiation and meds for the cancer years ago, my voice became not much more than a whisper. I went to a physical therapist who helped me recover my talking voice, but she told me without hesitation, that I would never sing again. At the time, I was devastated. Music has always been such a huge part of my identity that I couldn’t imagine having that taken away. At the same time, I continued to do my vocal exercises… and started noticing that she was wrong. My singing voice most certainly has been (slowly) coming back. I like to say my singing voice is like my curly hair, each day it does what it wants, and I just learn to go with it.

Then this week, our music director reached out and said that he heard I could sing and would I be willing to help out this week. I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I said, “Yes.” Immediately, I was nervous, and found myself praying that something would happen, so I wouldn’t have to sing after all… but (of course) nothing happened.

Instead, I found myself warming up in front of the mirror this morning as I got dressed… What in the world had I been thinking when I said yes???

Then, as I sat down in my reading chair for my morning tea and meditation time, I picked up a book to place it back on the shelf, and it fell open to a quote…

“Even in the blackest darkness, there is always light shining somewhere.”
~ Karen White, The Sound of Glass

That is true… There is always some light somewhere… So, then, why do I always feel like I am in the darkness? And suddenly, I knew… I knew without any doubt what it is I need to release…

It is not people or career expectations. It is not my grief for Bruce or any other past traumas… It is not anything that simple, nor is it any one thing or experience… Instead, it is something that lies under all of these things… It is fear. I need to let go of the fear that I let dictate so much of what I do or don’t do.

Unhealthy relationships? I fear rejection. I fear abandonment. I fear being unlovable. I fear not being enough.

Career expectations? I fear not finding another job. I fear losing everything I own (again). I fear no one believing in me or taking a chance on me.

My grief for Bruce? I fear losing my connection to him. I fear losing his family in my life. I fear taking a chance on someone else and going through this pain all over again.

Past traumas? I fear reliving them. I fear forgetting the lessons I learned there. I fear doing the work needed to reprocess and let these go.

That is it! That is my mission. That is the thing I need to release… fear.

So, this morning, nerves and all, I faced my fears… and sang. My son came and sat in the back to offer support, (which is a huge deal, because he is atheist) … but he was there… for me. I did it… and I survived. I’m still here. Nothing happened. The earth didn’t open up and swallow me whole. No one booed me. In fact, it was fine, and people couldn’t have been kinder.

That was my first step. I know there are a lot more still in front of me, but one day at a time… one step at a time… I can learn to trust myself and set a new course. I can learn let go of all those fears and maybe… just maybe… learn to simply live my life as a woman without fear.

“Like a leaf falling from a tree,
She just let go.”
~ Saphire Rose, “She Let Go”
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful, be fearless… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… The Power of Hope

Hope… Such an innocent four-letter word… and yet hope is powerful. Conversely, the lack of hope is also powerful… In fact, a lack of hope can be absolutely devastating. I don’t think I realized just how important hope is to our existence until I became a widow. I didn’t realize it the day Bruce died… or even the next, but within a very short time, I came realize that I had lost all hope. My future… a future without Bruce also seemed to be a future without hope.

Each day seemed to be just like the one before it, and the one after… Wake up (alone), work out (alone), go to work (alone), come home (alone), eat dinner (alone), and go to bed (alone). Then wake up and do all over again. At the time, I didn’t recognize it for what it was. I didn’t even notice just how much power hope (or the lack of) held in my world.

I had no idea that hope, simple hope, is powerful… and the lack of hope is just as powerful… And I don’t think I’m alone in that lack of awareness.

It wasn’t until several years ago, when I built and trained a module on resilience that I realized just how much power I was giving away by living day-to-day with no hope. You see, our emotions guide our thoughts. Our thoughts guide our behaviors, and our behaviors guide our life experiences. So… in order to build resilience to life’s struggles, such as grief, I needed to dig deep and find a way to restructure my behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. I knew at that moment that the lack of hope was affecting every aspect of my life, and I had to find a way to regain even just a little bit of hope… somehow.

I started on that journey for hope a long time ago, and honestly, I still have to constantly make a conscience effort in that direction. This year, in fact, has definitely held a lot of challenges in this direction. I can’t tell you how many times I have found myself struggling with depression and that feeling of absolutely no hope… But I haven’t given up. Instead, I remind myself daily to find some hope some where to avoid that head-long plunge down that god-awful rabbit hole where there is no hope.

I am not trying to say this is simple or easy… It isn’t. There are days when I think I just don’t care anymore. Then, I think of Bruce and all the hope he brought back into my world when I thought I had hit rock bottom… And at that point, I know he didn’t do that for nothing… He believed in me, and it’s time I learn to believe in me, too.

So… just in case there is anyone else out there struggling with the lack of hope on their grief journey, I wanted to share the mantras and meditations I am using throughout my day to keep myself in a hope-filled frame of mind:

1. The power to choose hope lies within myself.

2. Hope begins with me… my world will only be as hopeful as I am.

3. If our thoughts create our experience, then I need to remember that hope begins within me… and my world can only be as hopeful as I am.

Oh… and one more little caveat… There will always be people in your world who knowingly (or unknowingly) will try to bring you down. They may make comments or do things that hurt… things that may even cause you to doubt yourself… Things that make it just a little bit harder to hope.

However, that is completely and totally about them – not you. Don’t take it in… Don’t let it create that slide into negative emotions, thoughts, and behaviors within yourself. Those things say so much more about who they are and where their headspace is. Remind yourself – Those are their emotions, thoughts, and behavior… They are not yours unless you choose to take them in, and thereby, give away your own power.

“As I listen more acutely for my guidance, I let go of trying to find the answer through human channels and turn my attention to the voice of spirit .” ~ Daily Word, May 18,2023
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Grief, Depression, and Hope

Grief… Depression… and Hope? Over the last several years, as I am working my way along this current path I find myself on, these three words have come up a lot! I guess that is a good thing, because each time, I learn a little bit more about me… And (usually) the next steps I need to take on this road.

Before exploring this, let’s look at their definitions (according to several sources),
• Grief is a deep sorrow, especially that caused by loss, such as (but not always) the death of someone.
• Depression is considered a mood disorder characterized by persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding and enjoyable activities or life itself.
• Hope is a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment; to await some occurrence or outcome with implied certainty that what one desires or longs for will happen.

So how do these words go together?…

Immediately after Bruce died, I felt grief… Absolute, overwhelming sorrow at the loss of this man I love. But that really doesn’t explain it… You see, it wasn’t just the person… And it wasn’t just the relationship… His loss involved so much more than just those two things.

For just a moment, let’s think about a few things. First, think about the person – who they were, their voice, their smile, their laughter… Think about the things that were specific to them… Those little idiosyncrasies (whether you liked those things or not) that made them who they were… That was the man I lost.

Now think about what that person added to the two of you, within the relationship or as a couple. What were those little things that made the two of you special when you were together? Was it the way they filled your “love tank” or maybe it was the way they interacted with your kids or your family as you simply observed and let them “do their thing”… That was the relationship.

But we all know, that isn’t all of it… Think about all the precious memories and experiences you shared. Think about your dreams for your future together. Think about all the roles that person may have played within your life… Maybe they were the one to take care of the taxes or do the yard. Maybe they were the one to help with the homework or cook the dinner. Were they the one to plan the trips or come up with that fun thing to do on the weekend? Whatever it was, each of us brings different gifts and talents to the table that we add to each relationship… Many times, these are the very things that trigger and re-trigger our grief each time we encounter that specific missing piece from our life.

Which brings us to that next word, depression. Not too long after Bruce died, most of the people around me had moved on… And while that was hard to watch at the time, they should… And I knew that. The hard part came with the people who thought I should move along as quickly as they did. While I am sure there were different reasons for their thought process, I believe the biggest reason was that this was something they had not experienced. Perhaps, they thought (like I did before Bruce died), that there was a list of feelings to work though; after that, the grief is over – like a checklist and a switch… So when that didn’t happen, they chose to pull out another word, depression.

What most of us find, though, is that grief does not come with a checklist. Yes, there are the emotions you hear about – the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). The problem is these were originally meant for someone facing death… someone actually dying. Over time, they have been applied to those grieving. Yet, while it is true, you will feel all of these, it is not a nice, neat, orderly occurrence. It is more like a tangled up, knotted up ball of emotions, with those five popping in and out of your psyche day in and day out. Sure, over time, we learn how to manage these better. However, the timing is different for each of us, depending on our support, the triggers around us, and how much hope we feel about tomorrow.

So… hope… that last word. That is the part that has been the hardest for me. If hope is a belief that something longed for will happen, then grief is the exact opposite. Why? Because the very thing we long for… the person we have lost is not coming back. We know without any doubt at all that that person… that relationship… all the things they brought into our world are permanently… forever… gone. As we find ourselves looking at the years ahead (no, we don’t just look at the days), we struggle to see what the future can hold that will bring that special light back into our world.

So then, I suppose, that becomes the goal… finding hope in a world where we have lost hope.

Since Bruce died, I have had my good days and my bad days. I have had moments where I felt there was hope for my tomorrow and days when I didn’t want to face tomorrow. In case you couldn’t tell here, due to life’s current circumstances, the last several months have been filled with more hopeless days than usual… I know my depression has been a struggle, and I am working on it… I haven’t given up… I know I can figure this out. Then, because the Universe tends to push me past my comfort zone, my journal prompt today was: “Hope starts with the promises of God.”

I almost laughed out loud! Of course, that was the prompt today! Because ‘hope’ is the one thing I have not felt lately… It has been the straw I keep trying to grasp, but keep missing… So, here were my thoughts…
“I think that is where my depression stems from – a loss of hope. Remembering that even when my heart hurts… even when my loss feels like more than I can bear… remembering God is compassionate to my pain is where I need to focus and what I need to hang on to, because this is where my hope comes from… A hope that the next moment, hour, or even tomorrow can be better. Remembering and trusting… those aren’t my usual first reactions… but I am working on it. In the meantime, I will give myself the time needed to cope with the changes in my life and to seek comfort for as long as I may need it… and knowing that this growth can be easier when I turn to the divine within and allow myself to feel God’s comforting presence in each moment.“

“Out of my distress I called on the Lord, and the Lord answered me.” ~ Psalm 118:5
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that – however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Finding Hope in a Season of Grief – Part 1

This week, one of my journal prompts was: “Have you walked through a season of grief? How did you maintain hope?”

Pardon me while I shake my head (just a little). You see… I’m not sure I did. If I am honest, I would have to say that when Bruce died, I lost all hope for a very, long time. Finding my way back to having even a little bit of hope has been quite the uphill journey.

Before we get there, though, let’s back up… Let’s back way up…

From the moment I was born, I was raised in the church, so my faith was always important to me. It was a big part of who I thought I was. I have always sang in the choir, and attended retreats, Sunday School, and Bible studies. As I grew older, I also cantored at mass. I taught children’s choir, Vacation Bible School, and Sunday School. I even taught at the school. I helped with the flowers for Holy Days, and worked at all of the fairs and carnivals. And, (of course), I raised my children the same way within the church.

In other words, I did all the things. If the doors were open, the kids and I were there. Even through the worst, chaotic, violent days of my first marriage, we were there. I remember back then – I kept believing that if I could just “be better” … If I could just muster a little more faith… then maybe, just maybe, God would help me.

Eventually, though, I reached the point where I knew I just couldn’t do it anymore. I wasn’t “enough”, and I never would be… Would I really go to hell if I left? Did it matter? After all, I was living in hell… And worst of all, because I was there, my kids were too.

One afternoon, I found myself pouring out the details of my life to our parish priest. However, before I could even finish, he told me that he already knew the trouble our family was in, and he advised me to leave. He told me that I would have the support of the church… So, I did… I left.

It took years to finalize everything. Those were scary, turbulent times with some of the hardest situations I have ever endured… Still… I did it! I made it out with my kids by my side! The future finally looked bright. It held so much hope.

Wouldn’t you know it, though? Before I hardly had time to take a breath, my world took another tumble. I can’t really remember which happened first, because in my memory it all happened simultaneously…

In a timespan that felt like overnight, I lost everything I owned. I had invested my money from the divorce with a “family friend.” (That person is currently serving time in a federal prison for securities fraud and running a Ponzi scheme.) Yep! That’s where my money went… Every dime.

At about the same time, I lost my job…

I had met Bruce and started the drudgery of getting an annulment. The problem? It required a ton of paperwork. AND… each time I turned in said paperwork, I had to pay thousands of dollars to “move to the next step”. But suddenly, I didn’t have any more money, and I had to drop it… That was the reality.

Before too long, I was told that “some people” were concerned about having a divorced (and dating) person on the staff. I was supposed to be a role model, after all. Before long, I was given a choice to leave Bruce or my job… (Well, we all know how that choice went, and I don’t regret it for a moment!)

How about that support I had been promised? It was a nice idea in theory, but it didn’t really exist. Instead, I was left confused and devastated. I think this was one of the first times I had my eyes opened to the “them vs us” clique mentality so rampant within the church. (A space that I was taught was supposed to be inclusive was actually extremely exclusive.)

What I came to realize was that to really belong, one must do as they are told – no space for questions or different opinions, thoughts, and ideas. Please understand this was not everyone. I had wonderful, dear friends to lean on, and I don’t want to sound bitter… My point, though, is how traumatic and gut-wrenching the whole set of circumstances were.

But God can make good out bad, and a few months later, my world blossomed!

Bruce and I were married… I found a new job in a new state… And… I found a new church. This time, though, it was different. For the first time ever, I simply sat in the back row and kept to myself. I desperately wanted to be there… I needed to be there… At the same time, I couldn’t risk being shunned again.

The years passed, and life went on. My faith was struggling. Bruce, however, was beyond supportive. He knew I needed to fill this part of my life. So, together, we went from church to church trying to find a place where we might fit in… but I was scared. I wanted “more”, but I didn’t feel welcome to experience “more”. Bruce was encouraging… but not pushy. I, on the other hand, held back… My trust in the church – any church – was gone.

Then, just two months prior to Bruce’s death, my faith finally came crashing down around me. Little did I know what was ahead of me and how impossibly hard it would be to grieve when I had no faith… and no hope.

(To be continued next week)

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This journey isn’t easy… not that you need me to tell you that. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief we are left to figure out is hard. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls – Moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

As the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of these good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Birthdays and Hope

What a busy (and fun) week this has been! This week held both Bruce’s birthday, (today) Easter, and more than anything, a renewed hope… the hope found in the joy of life… Something that nine years ago, I didn’t think I would ever feel again.

One of my goals this year has been to travel 1:1 with each of my kids. As I’ve gotten older, I have come to the realization that I have lived longer than I probably have left on this earth. As a consequence of that little bit of knowledge, I wanted to find a way to spend some 1:1 time with each of my adult kids… just talking, laughing, sharing adventures, and making memories. This week was the first of one of these trips.

One of my daughters and I decided to combine our trip with a celebration of Bruce’s birthday. Now… just to set the stage for this story, you should know that since his memorial/ashes ceremony nine years ago, I have chosen to spend every one of his birthdays alone… Sometimes I have traveled somewhere and other times I have simply stayed right here in this space that is our home… but always alone. That was how I wanted it… I wanted to feel free to celebrate however the mood struck me. Generally, it included at least a walk on the beach, some of his favorite foods, a toast of champagne, and… tears… lots and lots of tears…

So, when we made this decision, it didn’t come lightly. She didn’t want to spend her trip watching me cry, and I didn’t either. She wanted us to have fun, and so did I… We also both wanted to celebrate Bruce and what he added to our lives.

So, the two of us headed to one of his favorite seaside towns – an old pirate town, actually… and what a fun time we had!! We started and ended the trip at one of his favorite taverns. It has changed a lot since Bruce was last there, but it was still just an old dive bar with a great band, great drinks, and lots of laughter.

Throughout the week, we hit all of his favorite spaces, plus a few new spaces that he would have loved if they had existed at the time. We took a ghost tour, which wasn’t… It was a disaster that made for lots of laughter for the rest of the week. We spent time on the beach (of course), went shopping (that was for us, not him – lol!), did a cocktail tour (which was for him… and us. LOL!) and took a sunset cruise, which ended up cruising by an island that held great memories with Bruce, as well. We slept in every morning, and toasted his life every night… And we laughed… a lot!

What I didn’t do was cry… not once… not one single tear. That was a miracle, in my book! … and one for which I am so thankful (and a little bit proud)!

It isn’t that I’m over Bruce… I’m not. I still miss him with every fiber of my being. However, my new goals have included “finding the joy” and remembering to live my life – not just watch the rest of the world live theirs as I sit on the sidelines.

I think that is what made this birthday celebration trip so perfect… It was all about remembering the good times, the laughter, and the love… but doing so with even more good times, laughter, and love versus the tears due to a lack of hope. I, also, feel like I can honestly tell you this without even a hint of regret for how we celebrated, because in my heart, I know Bruce was smiling and laughing too… How do I know? I know because this was a man who left behind a legacy of unconditional love and a “license to chill”… and that is exactly what we did… And as long as there is a breath left in this body, I will continue to love and celebrate him and our time together in a way that is fitting for us.

Loss is hard, and grief is even harder. I have learned a lot on this journey – mostly about myself… what I think about life… and love… and my faith. I still hate it. However, now a days, I can say that there are more good days than bad. Admittedly, I still constantly find myself wishing for a world where Bruce is here beside me. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without him. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… On Being Joyful

I hate death… There you go… I said it… And I am thinking 1- You aren’t surprised by that statement, and 2- Possibly, you fill the same. Now, before anyone feels the urge to talk to me about religion and death, please note that I didn’t say I fear death – I don’t. Also, my faith is strong, and I completely believe in life after death. I know without a doubt that I will see Bruce again… someday… However, who knows when that will be. So, none of that changes how I, (as the one left behind), feels about death… or more specifically, his death.

Let me see if I can explain in a way that makes sense…

This last week in my gratitude journal, one of the prompts was, “’Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!’ – Philippians 4:4.”

As I pondered this verse, I thought… Rejoice… Joy… Hope… All of these are feelings I used to take for granted. When Bruce was alive, these feelings overflowed in my world! Even on my worst days, (shoot, even when we were arguing), he still filled my world with joy and hope… Then, he died, and I thought all of these feelings were gone… It felt as if that part of me died with him.

It has taken a long time, but in (very) recent years, I have come to realize that I was wrong. Those feelings aren’t dead… or gone… However, they are most definitely different.

When Bruce was here, I really just felt what I felt in any given situation. I didn’t dwell on it, and I didn’t analyze it. Mainly because, at the end of the day, when all was said and done, I was so happy and content… so joyful that my life was with Bruce. Nothing else could steal that joy from me… Nothing!

After he died, though, that all changed for me. At first, there were feelings of guilt whenever I felt even a glimmer of pleasure, much less joy. How in the world could I dare to be happy – to smile or laugh – when Bruce could no longer do the same? He was no longer here to enjoy the sun or the sky… or the people we love… How could I dare to enjoy life on these terms? It felt like a betrayal of him… of us…

Yes, I know… I have read so many articles and books that say this is normal. Yet, I have to tell you that I didn’t feel normal. I didn’t feel like me, and I didn’t know how to feel like me… the old me… the happy me… That person was so lost to me.

However, life isn’t meant to be stagnate, and although I fought it, life really does move onward…

I have learned – no… I am still learning that these emotions, (joy, happiness, and hope) are the emotions I now have to seek out. Sometimes, I would even say, I have to chase them down. Even then, there is a process where I have to remind myself that not only am I allowed to feel these, it is good for me to feel these. Plus, I know without a doubt that Bruce would want me to feel all of these, (as often as possible). I know he wants me to be happy… to feel joy… and to rejoice in this life. After all, these emotions are what he brought into my life. That couldn’t have been for nothing, right?

So… for his sake and mine, I will continue this journey, finding the joy along the way, and rejoice every time I do until we are together again.

So, while this grief thing really is harder than anything I have experienced in all my years on this earth, it has also taught me a lot… However, I still hate it. There are definitely more good days than bad, but I still constantly find myself wishing for a world where Bruce is still by my side. Allowing myself the space to process and adjust to all of that isn’t easy. Life on this path is sometimes filled with challenges I never imagined. At this point in my journey, I am learning that while it can be hard to remember in the moments of grief, I am not alone. (That is why I reach out here each week.)

Thanks to you, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Looking for Springtime

Your Gift
In each breeze, let me feel your touch.
In each sunrise, let me experience your joy.
In each storm, let me feel your strength.
In the quiet, let me hear your voice telling me –
All is well…
Each moment was planned;
Each smile was for me;
And your acceptance of life was your gift to help me through this storm.
I loved you
and even now… you love me.
~ Linda, September 2013

Another year… And still I find myself waiting for springtime and asking, “Is there a springtime in grief?” Is there a time when life feels new again? When hope and joy fill us with the excitement of all things new and fresh? I know there is… And there are many moments when I feel it too. However, Bruce’s birthday is also in the spring (and rapidly approaching) … And while it is a time when I celebrate his life, it is also a reminder that he is not here…

Yet, if he were here, I know exactly what Bruce would tell me. He was a man who seemed to never lose hope. He was vigilant in spotting the signs of spring and in finding those things that could put hope into any situation…

We met totally by chance on a small sailing schooner in the Virgin Islands. One week was all it took and he said he knew he loved me. He would always tell me that through all the years after his divorce, he always knew there was someone out there just for him… Someone he would love and would love him back.

As for me, I can’t say that… I wasn’t sure how I felt after that first week. I found my own feelings overwhelming and scary. I could think of a thousand reasons why it would never work… For starters, we lived 1000 miles apart. (I was from South Carolina, and he was Michigan.) However, within 24 hours of leaving that ship, I knew without a doubt that my future was with him. Ten short months later, I moved to Michigan and we were married.

This man had not only captured my heart, he was the other half of my soul.

My move to Michigan happened in November. Michigan winter was just setting in and came as quite a shock to this little southern girl. I did not realize that a place could be so cold… and for so long! I didn’t realize the reality of the term “so cold it will take your breath away.” I had no idea that snow could fall continuously for days and then stay for months.

Before Michigan, I could probably count the number of times I had seen snow on one hand. So, that first year found me completely unprepared… This place was a whole new experience for me, and I had a lot to learn about living in such a climate.

When I moved to Michigan, Bruce had promised he would keep me warm, and he did everything in his power to do so. However, try as he might, he couldn’t shorten a Michigan winter or make it feel warm enough for this southern belle. In South Carolina, by the end of March, things are usually starting to warm up. (Plus, they are never as cold as Michigan). But in Michigan, there is still snow (either falling on still on the ground) at the end of March. That was unfathomable to me.

I remember one particular Sunday afternoon that first March. I was standing at the slider watching yet another snowstorm roll in, and the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I was so conditioned to expect spring in March – cool nights, warm days, flowers, birds, green grass, sunshine… This felt so wrong. I didn’t think I could handle another snowstorm… I needed sunshine… And I found myself wondering if I had moved to some winter version of hell, and this interminable gray and cold would last forever.

At just that moment, Bruce came up behind me, put his arms around my waist, and pulled me back to lean into him. As he held me close, he spoke softly into my ear, “You okay?”

I replied, “No… It’s never going to stop snowing.”

“Do you see that those branches on that bush?” he asked as he nodded toward a bush just outside the window. (I nodded.) “Well, keep watching them, because in about 6 more weeks you will see a miracle. You will see green buds appear, and you’ll know that springtime really does happen… even in Michigan.”

I would like to say that I smiled and answered, “Oh thank you, Babe. I will believe you and wait patiently.” But I didn’t… Instead I cried out loud and said, “SIX MORE WEEKS?? Are you kidding me? I’ll never make it!” That poor man… he just held me closer and let me cry.

In the years that followed, we laughed many times thinking back on that story. Every spring he would remind me not to give up hope… spring really would come… even in Michigan.

At this point in my life, I have spent many springs without Bruce. Each year I find myself remembering that story, and comparing it to my life now… my life without the man who really was my springtime… Like Michigan, this journey often feels gray and cold, and I find myself wondering if I will ever feel the hope and joy that life can offer as deeply as did when Bruce was by my side. Will I ever have that carefree, walk-barefoot-in-the-grass, life-is-wonderful feeling again?

I know… Bruce would say, “Yes.” I can almost hear him tell me to be patient. Spring will come back to my life… and when I look real close, I really can start to see those buds on the branches of my life turning green… And I know he would tell me to never give up; there is always the promise of spring.

I guess, I have learned through the years that the only answer to get from here to there is patience… something I have always struggled with. Therefore, I don’t pretend it is an “easy” answer. However, I know he is standing behind me, pulling me close to lean in to him, saying, “Keep watching… Springtime really does happen.”

Everyone deals with life, loss, and grief in their own way and in their own time. We will each search and find the “springtime” in our lives at our own pace. After all, we all find answers and comfort in various sources, which is what makes us all unique and different. I am only sharing my thoughts. What about you? If you are struggling with grief, loss, loneliness, please know you are not alone – We are here. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Looking for Hope

I am a reader. I have always been a reader. I will read anything… I simply love to read and always have. I have several family and friends who are also readers, and we are constantly exchanging books and making recommendations. That being said, I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have read a story about someone choosing to recover from an illness or surgery “by the sea.” In the books, it always sounds so absolutely peaceful – the perfect spot to sit, think and heal… both physically and emotionally.

Maybe that is part of the reason I chose to spend this past week here by the sea, recovering from surgery… The ocean just steps from my door. Starting in my teen years, the ocean has been a place of magical healing for me… I can just sit and stare at it for hours, and all the pain or frustration just seems to melt away. However, until this week, I haven’t “sat by the ocean” for a week just to recover… And, I have to admit, this week has been just as wonderful as the books make it sound.

Even before I felt well enough to venture outside, the view from the couch was amazing! To watch the sunrise over the waves each morning or to watch an afternoon storm roll in always leaves me feeling nothing short of complete awe. As the week progressed, I slowly worked my way to “porch sitting,” and finally, in the last few days I have actually made my way out to the beach.

But that hasn’t been all of it… Being by the ocean, always reminds me of Bruce, as well. After all, we met on a sailing schooner down in the islands. When we were first married and living in Michigan, we spent as much time sailing Lake Michigan as the weather would allow. Then, here in Florida, we were always either out on the boat, on the kayaks or just sitting at the beach enjoying the waves. In other words, from day one, the beach was always “our” place…

We met there. Bruce proposed there. It is there that his ashes were released, and it is where I always go to feel closer to him… and this week has been no different.

Of course, I also have spent a lot of time this week reading. One of the books I read was just a great “beach reading” book… not complicated and definitely a “happily ever after” type book… And, like all good books, there were also a few sub-plots throughout the book. In this particular book, one of the sub-plots was about an older woman who still wrote daily letters to the “love of her life” who had died several years before.

It caught my attention right away, since my journal entries are the same… Just letters to Bruce about what is going on in my life, day by day. They always start with “Dear Babe” and end with “All my love – forever and always.”

In the book, the character talks about how she knows he is dead, but she can’t quite let go. As she puts it, “Your mind resists death with all its might.” ~ Liane Moriaty, What Alice Forgot.

Boy, is that the truth! It is like a part of you always feels as if they will walk back through the door again at any minute… Like they have just been away on a trip and will return any day… It’s so stupid, because you know they won’t… There is just this part of you that seems to be stuck somewhere between “what was”… and “what is”…

This evening, though, as a storm worked its way off-shore, I was enjoying some porch sittin’ as I finished this book. Every now and then, I would put the book down to watch the rain moving away.

Each time, I found myself thinking about Bruce… Sometimes I am worried I will forget what he looked like or how he sounded, but not today. Today was like reliving each moment as it entered my mind… And as I sat there remembering, I smiled, I laughed, I cried… and I wondered, “Will I ever get used to this?” And just as I asked myself that question, I looked out across the waves and saw a beautiful spectrum of color going from the storm cloud down in a perfect arch to meet the ocean… a rainbow! A promise of hope…

I didn’t even know hope was the thing I was looking for… or needed… But it is exactly what brought peace to my heart today.

Everyone travels this path in their own way and in their own time… Grief is hard and the fact we seem to be expected to carry on with our life as if nothing had happened can make it seem even harder. These are only my thoughts and observations about my own path. Maybe you too have had challenges that have brought your grief a little closer to the surface or made it seem a little bit harder than normal.

Learning to navigate this journey tends to show us we are stronger than we thought we were, even when we feel completely vulnerable. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

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