Fall… I love this time of year. Granted, in Florida, there aren’t the huge seasonal changes as in other places, but still… there are enough changes for us to notice. I love the cool (for Florida) nights and the cooler temps during the days. We don’t get a lot of color changes here… Okay, there are none at all in the trees, but the flowers that bloom are different than the ones blooming a few short weeks ago. (I guess, it’s all in what you choose to see.)
This year, fall has also held some other thoughts for me… Partly in the lessons to be learned by the world around us…
“And so begins the season of letting go,
When Mother Nature shows us all,
How it’s done.
Let go,
Free yourself“
~ From the poem, “The Season of Letting Go” by Donna Ashworth
Over the last several weeks, God, (the Universe, Spirit, whatever you prefer to call it), has been (what feels like) screaming at me to “let it go”. It started last month while on a retreat. We were talking about the different capacities of the mind that can be a link to God based on the divine spark within all people. We each pulled a card with one of these capacities listed on it to form a discussion team… and the one I pulled was… (drumroll, please) … the power of release.
Honestly, at the time, I didn’t think much of it on a personal level. I met with my group. We had a quick discussion about letting go of those things in our lives that are no longer serving us. Maybe these things had served a purpose at some point… maybe not. Either way, release involves letting those things go, so we can move forward in a healthy way. Nice discussion… great lesson… and as far as I was concerned, it was over… Only it wasn’t…
Instead, there have been constant little reminders every single day about letting go… releasing… and moving forward. This past week, it felt like the messages got even louder when in one of my meditations, it simply stated, “There are times when you have to let go.”
Seriously?? Okay… I’m listening… But… Let go of what?? Let go of people who hurt me? (What if that isn’t the answer? What if I can’t?) Let go of my old career expectations? (I’m currently looking to do that.) Let go of my grief for Bruce? (I don’t think I’m ready.) Let go of past traumas? (I’m working on that.) As more time has passed, I have felt more lost and frustrated, but still no answers… Let go of what?? It has been making me crazy!!
Even at Yoga this week, the instructor did something different, and led a yoga meditation for the hour based on… you guessed… letting go. She started with a wonderful poem by Saphire Rose called, “She Let Go”. Before the first line had been read, I was a puddle of tears…
“She let go. Without a thought
or a word, she let go.”
~ Saphire Rose, “She Let Go”
I came home and simply sat… It was obvious by this point that there is something I need to release, but what?… Obviously, I can think of a few things, but if those are to be released, then could someone, please, show me how? … So, I sat, and I pondered… But I got no answers… until this morning.
This morning, I did something I have not done since Bruce died. I sang… in public… at church. What in the world was I thinking??
You see, I have sung my entire life. When Bruce died, though, I simply stopped singing. It wasn’t really a conscious decision like “oh, Bruce died. I’ll never sing again.” Instead, it was more like all the joy in my world was suddenly gone and with it went my music. I have even written about it here a time or two. After a few years, I did finally start singing in the car or when I was alone at home, but only if it was Christmas music, or if I was clowning around with my grandson. In other words, the times were few and far between.
Then, with all the radiation and meds for the cancer years ago, my voice became not much more than a whisper. I went to a physical therapist who helped me recover my talking voice, but she told me without hesitation, that I would never sing again. At the time, I was devastated. Music has always been such a huge part of my identity that I couldn’t imagine having that taken away. At the same time, I continued to do my vocal exercises… and started noticing that she was wrong. My singing voice most certainly has been (slowly) coming back. I like to say my singing voice is like my curly hair, each day it does what it wants, and I just learn to go with it.
Then this week, our music director reached out and said that he heard I could sing and would I be willing to help out this week. I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I said, “Yes.” Immediately, I was nervous, and found myself praying that something would happen, so I wouldn’t have to sing after all… but (of course) nothing happened.
Instead, I found myself warming up in front of the mirror this morning as I got dressed… What in the world had I been thinking when I said yes???
Then, as I sat down in my reading chair for my morning tea and meditation time, I picked up a book to place it back on the shelf, and it fell open to a quote…
“Even in the blackest darkness, there is always light shining somewhere.”
~ Karen White, The Sound of Glass
That is true… There is always some light somewhere… So, then, why do I always feel like I am in the darkness? And suddenly, I knew… I knew without any doubt what it is I need to release…
It is not people or career expectations. It is not my grief for Bruce or any other past traumas… It is not anything that simple, nor is it any one thing or experience… Instead, it is something that lies under all of these things… It is fear. I need to let go of the fear that I let dictate so much of what I do or don’t do.
Unhealthy relationships? I fear rejection. I fear abandonment. I fear being unlovable. I fear not being enough.
Career expectations? I fear not finding another job. I fear losing everything I own (again). I fear no one believing in me or taking a chance on me.
My grief for Bruce? I fear losing my connection to him. I fear losing his family in my life. I fear taking a chance on someone else and going through this pain all over again.
Past traumas? I fear reliving them. I fear forgetting the lessons I learned there. I fear doing the work needed to reprocess and let these go.
That is it! That is my mission. That is the thing I need to release… fear.
So, this morning, nerves and all, I faced my fears… and sang. My son came and sat in the back to offer support, (which is a huge deal, because he is atheist) … but he was there… for me. I did it… and I survived. I’m still here. Nothing happened. The earth didn’t open up and swallow me whole. No one booed me. In fact, it was fine, and people couldn’t have been kinder.
That was my first step. I know there are a lot more still in front of me, but one day at a time… one step at a time… I can learn to trust myself and set a new course. I can learn let go of all those fears and maybe… just maybe… learn to simply live my life as a woman without fear.
“Like a leaf falling from a tree,
She just let go.”
~ Saphire Rose, “She Let Go”
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful, be fearless… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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