Peace, Love, and Grief – The Landscape of Loss

“The landscape of loss is fertile for growth.”
~ Sheri McGregor, Done with the Crying

I wish there was a real guide to grief. Yea, I know, there are lots of books out there about grief… There are also articles, memes, and blogs (like this one), and the list could go on and on. But let’s be honest, no matter what someone else writes or says, it will never 100% reflect what you or I are going through because everyone’s grief experience is different.

I know that… You likely know that too. So, then, why are we constantly looking for help and for answers?… I am guessing because this hurts so bad. The journey is beyond hard, and we are used to having answers at our fingertips… But honestly, I don’t think there are any straight, cookie-cutter answers. Instead, we have to weed through everyone else’s experiences and figure out what parts can help us as an individual.

I am a performance person. I understand the backdrop, landscape, or setting, (call it what you will), helps the viewer to have a better understanding of what is or will be happening. So, for me, I wish I had had a better idea of what the backdrop or landscape of this whole thing was going to be like.

In the beginning, I really thought that my life would look basically the same… just minus a person – Bruce. After all, I had lost all of my grandparents, and that had been my experience (for the most part). Yes, I loved them, I cried, and I (still) miss them, but my day-to-day life never really changed. It was just my life… minus a person (that I love).

But when Bruce died, that no longer held true. Suddenly, there were so many holes in my life. Bruce was woven into the tapestry of each and every portion of my world… and then, suddenly, he wasn’t. During those first few months, don’t think I realized just how much my world, (including the landscape), had changed or how hard it would be to go on doing life without him.

Honestly, I’m not sure if anyone could have adequately explained how this would look or feel. I mean, to the outside world, I think my life didn’t look a whole lot different. I got up in the morning. I worked out. I went to work. I came home. I took care of things around the house. I ate dinner, and I went to bed.

All the same exact things I did before Bruce died… Only now, I did it all by myself… No more chatter or dancing in the kitchen as I cooked dinner… No more kisses good morning or good night. Can I just say that the whole going to bed and sleeping alone thing is still a struggle for me a decade later? I still pile all the pillows up on the other side of the bed, so there is the illusion of Bruce there when I am between dreams.

Then, there are the things Bruce used to do around the house. I’m not trying to sound lazy, but when you live with someone, the household chores tend to get divided up. With Bruce and I, that division happened organically. There was never a discussion, but somehow it ended up where I loaded the dishwasher, and he emptied it. I dusted, and he ran the vacuum. I cleaned the bathrooms, and he took care of the litter boxes. I’m sure you get the picture.

I think almost a whole week passed (after everyone had left and gone home) before I realized all the “other” chores that now were mine. It probably sounds funny, but I had to put up sticky notes everywhere to remind me to do even the littlest things, such as locking the doors before going to bed. (Bruce had always done that before.) There had been such a comfortable rhythm to our life, and suddenly that was gone.

To the rest of world, that may not seem like a big deal. Of course, all of that changes. Of course, I now had to take over everything. Of course, of course, of course! However, when you are the one in the middle of all of this, it is a big deal. I was in shock. I could barely remember to breathe, and suddenly I had to remember to do all the things.

Let me be honest here… I forgot things a lot. That first year, I almost forgot to file our taxes. (Thankfully, someone reminded me just a couple of days before they are due.) I forgot my keys constantly and found myself locked out of the house more times than I can count. Several times, I remember putting the milk away in the kitchen cupboard instead of the frig… It was ridiculous!! I’ve even talked to widows who forgot to pay their bills. They were in such a state of bewilderment that they just piled all the mail up on the counter until something got turned off. Then, they had to scramble to pull themselves out of that hole. (I swear to you, grief brain really is a thing!)

As time has passed, (and it has taken a while), I have come to find my own rhythm. In fact, I am actually way more organized than I ever was before. Several of the chores are kind of big for me, like keeping up with the yard. However, I have a process, and as long as I stick to it, I can keep up. I have learned (from Bruce) that You Tube is my friend when it comes to repairs. In fact, over the years, I have fixed my ice maker, the dishwasher, and many severely clogged drains to name a few.

In other words, this really is a journey of more than emotions. It is a journey of learning… and trust me – I am learning! It’s funny, but even now, Bruce is still my inspiration. His philosophy was “if it’s already broken, why not try to fix it myself?” (It still makes me smile when I think of him grinning with pride after fixing something challenging.)

Now a days, I am constantly thinking that he would be so proud of me for fixing this or figuring out that… by myself (mostly)! Of course, I can’t fix everything. I know where my boundaries are – like the taxes… and for those things, I either call on one of my sons-in-law or I hire people. In other words, I find people who know what they are doing when I don’t.

To me, this is one of the weird parts of grief. It is the part no one really talks about. It is the day-to-day business of life that makes up the whole landscape of our world. It is all the parts we don’t really think about when someone dies. Yet, it is such a huge part of the loss.

I remember when I went through some grief counseling that first year, and one of the assignments was to list all the things Bruce used to do that now fell on me. That was eye-opening and a bit overwhelming for me. Honestly, there are still times when something breaks or something happens, and my first reaction is “D*%$ it, Bruce! Where are you?? I can’t do this by myself.” But then, it is like I can feel him take my hand and say, “You’ve got this… You can do it.” And so, I do, because…

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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