Month: December 2019

Peace, Love and Grief… Dear Family and Friends

I spent this last week cruising the Bahamas… I know… It probably sounds like I ran away from Christmas again, but actually we just postponed it until yesterday. Cruising the week of Christmas, though, brought back so many memories… Not just good memories – I am talking great memories…

Why so great? Well, because Bruce and I met the day after Christmas while on a cruise… Back then, we were a small town, Catholic school teacher from SC and a teamster, truck driver from MI… Who knew that day… that moment would change both our lives forever?

This past week as I met new friends and watched new relationships develop, I thought of that week years ago over and over, but I didn’t say a word… I didn’t want to make anyone else uncomfortable or mess up their holiday. In fact, even after we were home, I continued to keep my thoughts and memories to myself. It’s Christmas, after all – the holidays. It’s not supposed to be a time of grief or tears.

However, I wasn’t alone in my thoughts, because someone else brought it up…

I received an absolutely lovely message that mentioned Bruce and I meeting on that cruise years ago, how I was the “love of his life,” and so many wonderful thoughts. I smiled like a Cheshire cat when I read it. Then, at the end there was an apology… My own thoughts reiterated back at me, as I read the heartfelt apology… Just in case the message made me sad or messed up my holiday in any way… Which has led me to this…

To all my friends and family,

I am writing this letter, just in case this has ever entered your mind…

I know it has been (almost) seven years since Bruce passed. In that time, you have watched me go through a lot of pain and (hopefully) growth. I can only imagine that all of this wasn’t easy for you either. Many of you had your own grief to deal with… And then, there was me… And I know, I was a basket case (for a very long time).

In the beginning, every thought and every memory sent me into another wave of grief, which could last for days or weeks. Losing Bruce was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Yet, I know it was hard for all of us. Through the years, I have come to understand that more and more. I pray you will (or have forgiven) my blinders to your own pain and grief during that earlier time.

It has taken me years to get a hold of my emotions and my grief. It took me a long time, but I have learned to smile and laugh again. I have learned to enjoy and appreciate my life, my family, and my friends.

However, to be honest, I have also learned to keep my grief to myself. With the exception of this blog, I rarely share my thoughts and feelings… or my still present grief. Why? Well, it’s a little complicated, I suppose.

Admittedly, there is a small part of me that is worried I will be judged because I’m not “over it” yet. But mostly, it is because I don’t want to ruin your day… I don’t want to go back to that time when I seemed to always bring everyone else down… So, even if it is a good memory or story, on the one hand, I don’t want you to think I am still obsessing about Bruce and the loss of “us.” But neither do I want to remind you of your own pain and grief.

However, after this week, I realized that we may both be avoiding the same things. So please, if you want to talk about Bruce, do it! Tell me a story, share a feeling, grieve for what we lost, or let me know you need a hug (real or virtual) … And, please, please, please, don’t ever hesitate to do so…

I love thinking of him… I love stories about him. I love hearing how he fit in others’ lives and the relationships you shared with him. I love all of it!

All of these bring me joy and make me smile… All of these remind me that although he is gone physically, he is still here amongst us. For as long as his life and legacy are spoken out loud… For as long as we who knew him, remember and speak of him, he is not forgotten, and he will continue to live in our hearts…

And that will never make me sad.

I love you all and thank you for all your love and support on this journey!

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? Do you ever hesitate to speak of your loved one because you are worried about the reaction that might follow? Do you love to hear others speak of your loved one? Do you think others hesitate to speak of them because of how you might respond? Maybe your way of coping is different than mine… Or maybe you just want to share your thoughts… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Christmas Your Way

I’m unwrapping all these memories,
fighting back the tears.
It’s just a different kind of Christmas this year.
~ Mark Shultz

Today, I just want to share a little bit of what I have learned through the years. It is not a lecture, nor is it the only way to do any of this. It is merely, what I have found works for me. Perhaps, there is someone else out there trying to figure out this “holiday thing,” and if this can help even one person, then it is worth being said…

To start, let me say that the sentiment above seems true every year… Every year, I get a little better at participating in the season… And last year, I was finally able to actually start loving it again. Yet, I still have my moments of feeling overwhelmed with heartache, especially when something triggers a memory of Christmases past with Bruce… and all the love that filled the season when we were together.

As I have said before, that first year I couldn’t even manage to be anywhere near anything Christmas. I ran away, I guess you would say. I spent the week on a yacht in the Keys – ignoring the holiday… and the world.
The next year, I found myself spending the holiday in my and Bruce’s favorite vacation spot on the Alabama coast. I wasn’t alone. I had a few family members around me. I even managed to participate a little bit, but it was still a hard struggle. Thankfully, there was a beach, where I could go for long walks (and cry without bothering anyone else).

Each year since, has found me participating a little bit more. Even so, for many years it has been a lot of smiling on the outside and trying to enjoy all that is “Christmas,” while crying on the inside for all I am missing. Then last year, I finally reached the point of truly enjoying the holiday. I found myself smiling on the outside and the inside… Perhaps it was the fight to live last year, but 2018 definitely found me feeling hopeful once again… and that was where I found my Christmas spirit.

However, it hasn’t been an easy ride. Even now, I still have to keep my emotions in check. Otherwise, it would be very easy to fall back down that rabbit hole of sadness, where there seems to be no hope at all.

This is where it gets a little technical, I suppose. I tend to be a list person. In fact, when Bruce died, I spent a lot of time in the beginning researching how to deal with grief… How to get past it. What did I need to do to get past all the hurt in my heart? It seemed simple enough… I just needed a list of things to do, so I could feel better and move on.

I soon learned it wasn’t that simple though. Life rarely is…

However, through the years, I have learned to do a few things to make the holidays something I could survive, … and even now enjoy. And while things have been better these last two years, I still follow these tips… So, maybe, someone else can use a few of these this week, as well.

1. It’s okay to say no… Really… It is. This is still your life and doing Christmas without your loved one by your side is hard. You won’t be any good to anyone else if you don’t take care of you. So have a little bit of what I call, sacred selfishness, and only do the things you can. If you are feeling too sad to go to a party, even if it is the last moment, it is okay to not go. During this time, give yourself permission to say, “no.”

(Remember, that first year I said no to everything, and look where I am now.) Don’t feel guilty… Grief is real… Your pain is real. It’s not only okay to take care of yourself, it’s actually better for everyone in the long run. You can’t do or be everything for everyone else. Trust me… they will be okay.

2. It’s okay to change your mind or leave at the last minute. In fact, think ahead and have a “just in case” plan in mind… In other words, have an exit strategy planned, because you never know when a grief wave will hit. It is much better to have a plan in your pocket, then to run away blindly, creating drama in your wake. This season can be overwhelming, and it is easy to over-commit. Even that reasoning can be understood by others, if you aren’t comfortable talking about your sadness.

I can’t tell you how many times I have done exactly this… In the moment, I have accepted an invitation to something. However, when the time came to go, my head-space wasn’t there… I couldn’t do it. I knew it would not be good for anyone… So, I made my apologies and bowed out. Of course, this also means, not committing to hosting anything either. That is something I still don’t do… I still need to feel like I can leave or not go at all, if that is what I need to do.

3. It’s okay to feel what you feel… and try to surround yourself with people who support that, as well. In other words, if something makes you sad, let yourself cry. Or, if something makes you happy, don’t feel guilty for that. In fact, let yourself enjoy every little thing you possibly can… We all know the holidays can be especially hard, and joyful moments can be rare. Of course, the people around you can often make or break this one. There are those who will be supportive and there are those who will try to talk you out of your feelings. The thing is… You can never work through a feeling, if you aren’t allowed to feel it in the first place. So, be good to yourself, and seek out those people who will be understanding – allowing you to feel and work your way through your feelings.

I think that first year, I ran away because I didn’t trust myself with my feelings, much less anyone else. However, through time, I have learned just how blessed I actually am. I have many people, family and friends, who are quite supportive, especially during the holidays. I hear a lot of “Do you feel up to this? It’s okay if you don’t.” Or just lots of extra hugs and patience, as they let me work my way through this season and my own feelings. These are the people I keep close to my heart… These are the people I know I can count on no matter what I am feeling.

4. It’s okay to include your loved in new ways… There are many ways to honor your loved throughout the holidays. (This is one area you can research and find endless answers.) For me, this has been a great way to bridge my feelings with the holidays. For example, the first year I decided to decorate again, I opened the first box and found Bruce’s stocking right on top. At first, I struggled with what to do with it. I finally decided to hang it up, which I continue to do each year. Next to it, I place a small box of paper and a pen. Whenever anyone remembers a story about Bruce, we write it on the paper and place it in the stocking. Those papers are left in the stocking and each year it gets fatter and fatter. Now each year when I pull it out, it is a great reminder of all the precious moments and love Bruce shared with all of us.

I also include him in the meal with a short candle-lighting ceremony. I didn’t come up with it, and I can’t remember where I found it originally. However, here it is…

I set up his picture with six candles around it. Before we say our blessing, we light the candles and remember him. Just so you know, most of the time someone else does the reading, because this is where I tend to get choked up with emotion. (Remember – do what you can, feel what you feel, and have supportive people around you.)

“Today, we light six candles in honor of you:
1. This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It is a reminder of the depth of our love for you.
2. This candle represents our courage – to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives.
3. This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, and the caring and joy you gave us.
4. This candle is the light of love. Day by day, we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. Thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us.
5. This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you that are ours forever.
6. This candle is the light of eternity – for the day when we will see you again in all God’s glory. We will be together again. We will have healthy, whole bodies and can explore the wonders of heaven together.
May the light of the Lord be our source of hopefulness now and forever. Amen.”

When Bruce died, I felt lost… abandoned… completely hopeless. I didn’t really care what the next day held, because no matter what a day might hold, it would be without Bruce. The holidays made that especially hard. But as time has passed, I have learned to feel hope again… I have learned to appreciate the brevity of life and the preciousness of each moment we have together. That is what makes the holidays hard at times… There is the struggle between missing what was and appreciating what is.

Today I have shared what I have learned so far on this journey… That doesn’t make me an expert. Shoot, in a few more years, I hope I will have learned a little more. So, if you are reading this, and you are new to loss, or still trying to figure out how to move forward without your loved one, please know that you are in my prayers. And my prayer for you is that you can find that hope again… The hope that life is worth our time and our curiosity. The hope that each day will hold something so precious in store that we wouldn’t want to miss it.

So, on this Sunday before Christmas, I pray that you will have a Christmas season filled with joy and laughter… and especially hope. Because those are the things that make life all it is meant to be.

There are no rules for surviving holiday grief.
Do what you need to survive.
Honor your loved one how you need to,
And do what feels best for your fragile, aching heart.
You are missing a huge piece of you.
So do whatever you need to do to find a sliver of peace.
~ Angela Miller

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf6_JBLTNAM

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How does this season effect you? Are you able to celebrate? Or are you still struggling just to hang on and get to the other side of this season? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Learning to Love the Holidays

If there were something that I believe many of us dealing with loss have in common this time of year, it would be the struggle as we learn to love the holidays again. Of course, that makes the assumption that we loved the holidays before we started on this journey. If not, then I guess that holidays hold other challenges. For me, though, I loved the holidays before… Now, it is a constant struggle… learning to love them again.

Each year, I feel like I do a little bit better. While there are challenges and even days when I seem to back track, most days I am moving forward… even if it is just a little bit. The first few years were the worst! In fact, the first year I ignored the holidays all together… I just couldn’t do it. The next year, I managed to participate a little bit… Then, each year has found me doing just a little bit more.

In fact, sometimes it is hard to remember the pain I felt that first year… sometimes. However, last week at our office holiday party, I was reminded just how hard that first year is…

For me, I was looking forward to this year’s party. First of all, I love the people I work with… They are like family to me. They have been by my side since Bruce died and have seen me through many tough days. To that, add the fact that two of my adult children work in the same office with me, and you can see I have a grand mix of work family and real family. The idea that we were all going to be at this party together was something I was looking so forward to…

However, that would not have been the case a few short years ago, and I was reminded of that fact almost immediately. As we walked in, there was food and drinks, friends and hugs, music and laughter… lots and lots of laughter. As I sat and talked, I looked around the room people watching – enjoying the atmosphere and the spirit of fun and friendships.

Then, I saw someone whom I really never expected to be there. It was one of our managers… One of the kindest men I know. Earlier this year (not so long ago really), he lost his wife. It’s his story to tell – not mine – but it was a shock to all of us. Knowing how I felt that first year and remembering how I avoided absolutely everything that had to do with the holidays, I really didn’t expect to see him there… But he was.

As he smiled and greeted each person, the pain in his eyes was heartbreaking… Honestly, I don’t know that many people would have noticed, but coming from a similar scenario of loss, my heart broke. Yet, I knew why he was there… It was for his employees – not himself. Something most of us can relate to, I am sure.

How many times have you done something or gone somewhere because it meant a lot to the people around you, not because it was anything you really wanted to do? Many times, I would guess… We all have.

In fact, it is that very behavior that has slowly (over time) helped me to learn to love the holidays again…

That first year, I ran away. The next year, I went to my daughter’s home, but I didn’t really participate. The next year, I remember actually singing Christmas carols once again. Each year, I have pushed myself to do a little bit more – to participate a little bit more – not because I necessarily wanted to, but because I knew how much it meant to the people around me.

Then, over time… a lot of time, I can honestly say that I am finally learning to truly love the holidays again. Last year and this year, I have loved the holidays – something I never thought I would do again.

Maybe you are where I am. Maybe you are even further down that path. However, if you are new to this journey or still struggling with the holidays, that’s okay. Be kind to yourself… I can honestly tell you that you should only do what you feel like you can handle – no more… and don’t feel guilty about it. This is a hard time of year. So, take it one day at a time, and know that it’s absolutely okay to take care of yourself.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle the holidays? Do you find yourself doing those things you want to do or what others expect? Do you struggle to take of your own needs? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Makin’ It Through the Holidays

“I miss you” … I think this has been my mantra for the past couple of weeks. Don’t misunderstand – I have smiled and laughed. I have enjoyed my time with my kids. I have loved cooking and decorating and shopping and playing Christmas music… I have loved all of it… But… I miss him…

With every dish I cook, I think about whether or not it was one he liked, and how many times we debated whether or not the sweet potato casserole with brown sugar and pecans on top counted as a vegetable (me) or a dessert (him). We never agreed but laughed every time!

With every ornament, I am reminded of our first Christmas together when he pulled out his one box of decorations… and I pulled out 18 boxes. Our tiny little condo was over-stuffed with Christmas. I thought he wouldn’t like it, but instead he grinned from ear to ear and said it truly felt like Christmas for the first time in a very long time.

With every shopping trip, I find myself looking for him and thinking about the gifts we gave each other over the years. There were years when we gave each other “traveling adventures” to new places… And other years when we were content to just have the gift of being together.

And… With every Christmas song played… I either laugh and sing because he loved the music as much as I did (or he pretended to) … or I cry, because each song seems to remind me of him and of some precious memory together.

And to be honest… all of this reminds me that another year has passed… He is still gone… And once again, I am spending another Christmas without him…

So, what do I do? … Well, for the last few days, I have cried… a lot. I seem to wake up crying. Then, I cry in the shower. I cry as I drive to and from work. And I cry when I crawl into bed at night.

I know it seems ridiculous… Emotionally, I have really come so far (or so I thought). But everywhere I look, I see and experience things that I want to share with Bruce… But he isn’t here… And so, I am reminded over and over again that he is gone… and I am alone.

To add to all this, there have been several conversations around me lately that have caught me a little off guard. There was one conversation amongst my friends, where they were discussing what they would do if their spouse died. Would they remarry? Would they date? How would they live their lives? Each of them with a firm opinion.

Now, first of all, this conversation was not about me in any way. It started as a conversation about someone else’s loss. But they went on and on for (what felt like) quite a while, talking about what they would do… or not do. I listened but didn’t add anything.

What could I say? None of them knew me when I was married to Bruce so many years ago, and they were completely oblivious to the fact that I had (and was still) dealing with this exact scenario.

Truthfully, I wasn’t offended, and I did contemplate saying something… I wanted to tell them that no one has any idea how they will respond to the loss of a spouse until it actually happens to them. However, I didn’t… for a few reasons.

First, it would have fallen on deaf ears. After all, most of us are pretty sure we know how we would respond to someone else’s circumstances. It is normal, and as many times as we learn the lesson that this is wrong, we all still seem to do it.

Second, it would have created a very awkward, sudden stop to the conversation. I experienced a lot of this during the first few years after Bruce died. I couldn’t seem to control my mouth and would throw my two cents worth into these conversations. I’ll just say that I found it does some damage… It creates a wall, and just isn’t worth it, not in my book anyway….

And finally… Who am I to judge or correct? After all, before Bruce died, I thought many of the same things they were saying.

So, I sat and half-listened… I felt a little bit rude, but I couldn’t fully engage, because I was struggling to control my emotions… They wanted to say what they thought, and I needed to control what I knew.

There have been several of these types of conversations lately, and I could go on and on explaining each one. But why? They all carry a similar theme – people contemplating how they would live their life as a widow(er) – a topic which they really know nothing about… So, what do I do?

Well there are two sides to this… One is the quick – let it go… Which I have learned to do a lot of over the years. After all, contemplating what you would do in a situation you have never encountered is just human nature. What do I know? I only know what I have done, not what anyone else might do.

“Learn to be okay with people not knowing your side of the story.
You have nothing to prove to anyone.”
~ Unknown

And the other part of the answer came this week in the form of a 10-year-old boy – my grandson…

As we were driving home earlier this week, he was telling me about his day at school and all the 4th grade “news of the day.” At one point, it dawned on me… He had originally said it was a great day, but in his tales, he was really focusing on a lot of negatives.

At one point, he even said, “Do you know what really bugs me? It’s when someone…” And he went on in great detail about what bugs him.

“Did that happen to you today?” I asked. “Did someone do that to you?”

“No,” he said, “but I hate it when it does happen.”

“Well, baby,” I said, “It sounds like you are looking for things to be upset about. Everything you have shared is negative… It sounds like you are focusing on the wrong things.”

Then it dawned on me… So am I… For the past few weeks, consciously or not, I have been focusing on all sad things – all the things I am doing without Bruce.

Last year, I was so happy to be alive… I missed Bruce, but I was so happy to be with my family and to be healthy again, that was my focus. But this year I have somehow fallen into the old trap of focusing on what is missing and what was… not on all the blessing and what is. While I would like to deny it, I have looked for things to be offended about in conversations, rather than chalking it up to human nature and not knowing any better… and then letting it go.

Now what? well… I am resolved to take my own advice. My goal is to look for the blessings and to see the joy in each day… Yes, Bruce is gone, and it’s okay to grieve that. But I am still here… surrounded by family and friends who love me… Maybe it’s a good thing that they just see me as me (not as the perpetual widow), and they love me and support me just for being me…
I am blessed beyond words, and this is a season of joy… and that is to be my focus going forward this season.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle the holidays? Do you find memories around every corner? Do you struggle to focus on the positives around you, too? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.