Tag: holiday grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Here We Go Again

You would think it would get easier. Instead, every year it gets a little bit harder to come to terms with the fact that another year has come and gone without Bruce… Another holiday season without the love of my life… Another multitude of celebrations with an empty space next to me where he should be… And once again, I am left crying to myself and wondering what our life might be like if he were still here.

I must give credit, though, to the many people who invited me into their celebrations this year – more, I think, than I have ever attended. Each time, however, I found myself worried in anticipation… Did they really want me there? Was this simply because they felt sorry for me? Should I go or bow out? Was I intruding or truly welcome?

Well, I can say without a doubt, each and every time, I felt extremely welcomed and loved and included. A holiday season that I thought was going to be a bust turned into a season of compassion and friendship and more love than I would have ever dared ask for.

More than likely, most of us reading this had people missing from our table – some due to loss and others due to other circumstances that prevented us from being together… (At least, it was that way for me.) Whichever reason those seats were empty, doesn’t really matter. It was still heartbreaking… While there was plenty of laughter, love, and fun, there were also those quiet moments when I had to excuse myself and find a quiet space to let my heart grieve… to feel what I felt and cry a few tears for those empty seats amongst us.

I am sure I have probably been in my own head too much throughout this season. There have been days when the world around me was a blur, and it has taken everything in me just to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have been constantly thinking about how much I still miss him… And how lonely life can be without him… Even on my best days, I can’t help but wonder what life would be like if he were here beside me to toast another year together… another year of “us”.

But that wasn’t meant to be… That was not the future we were offered. Instead, somewhere in my heart there is a hole that will never be filled. I know… at this point, I need to take a breath, look around and remember all the love I still have in my life…

Thankfully, I am blessed to be completely surrounded by friends and family who love me. People who understand I am doing the best I know how… So, today, as we face another year without those we love, I pray that each of us allows ourselves the space to grieve and the peace to heal… at least a little bit more than we are today.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone… and this time of year, it can be just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to on this path, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined – especially during the holidays. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. These next few weeks will still hold many challenges for me, as I face the anniversary of his death, but my goal is to look into this new year before me and find the joy and the hope life holds.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Grieving Through the Holidays

Most years I start writing about how hard this time of year is. It starts with our anniversary in November. Then, there is Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of our meeting, the New Year, and the anniversary of Bruce’s death. It seems like I barely push myself through one “big day”, and I hardly have time to catch my breath before there is another.

Most of the time, I feel like I have come such a long way since that awful night years ago. But this time of year, I seem to cry whenever I am alone. Although I’m not really alone… I just feel so alone. The people I love are all around me, and I couldn’t ask for more support, love and (most of all) hugs. But… Bruce was my other half, and without him, there is a loneliness that sinks deep into my bones.

I am alone.
When I am sad and hurting
And need someone
To hold me
And hug me
And dry my tears;
When I need someone
To talk to
And long for someone to spend my days with…
All I have is a memory…
A shadow of what was.
I am alone.
~ Linda, 2013

I miss him… I miss everything about him… I would still give anything to have him next to me – snuggled on the couch, gazing at the lights on the tree, and talking about nothing and everything. But… for me… for us, that will never happen again. That is where the feelings of loneliness and abandonment take hold… That is where I have to fight each and everyday to push through the grief and to celebrate the love of those around me.

Everything I read says that there are no rules for holiday grief… There is no right way or wrong way to survive this time of year. They are right. I have been struggling with this for years and every year is different. I can’t even seem to rely on anything I learned from the years before to help with my current processing. It is quite literally a “one-day-at-a-time” kind of survival…

Today has been one of those days where the tears keep falling no matter how hard I keep fighting them. (To the point that I am downright mad at myself.) This is ridiculous. I should be used to this by now, but logic doesn’t seem to be working. Instead, all I want to do is crawl under the covers and stay there until after all of these big days are over. I would give my soul to feel Bruce’s arms around me – holding me close as I feel the comfort of his love just one more time.

I know there are things in my world right now that I need to address – people I need to see or talk to, a couple of gifts still to buy, and life-tasks that require my attention before the start of a new week. (sigh) But I can’t… I feel broken… fragile… There is a huge piece of my heart that is gone and finding even a sliver of peace takes everything inside me. I don’t think I can do anything more… At least, not today… Maybe tomorrow…
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead. We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Learning to Love the Holidays

If there were something that I believe many of us dealing with loss have in common this time of year, it would be the struggle as we learn to love the holidays again. Of course, that makes the assumption that we loved the holidays before we started on this journey. If not, then I guess that holidays hold other challenges. For me, though, I loved the holidays before… Now, it is a constant struggle… learning to love them again.

Each year, I feel like I do a little bit better. While there are challenges and even days when I seem to back track, most days I am moving forward… even if it is just a little bit. The first few years were the worst! In fact, the first year I ignored the holidays all together… I just couldn’t do it. The next year, I managed to participate a little bit… Then, each year has found me doing just a little bit more.

In fact, sometimes it is hard to remember the pain I felt that first year… sometimes. However, last week at our office holiday party, I was reminded just how hard that first year is…

For me, I was looking forward to this year’s party. First of all, I love the people I work with… They are like family to me. They have been by my side since Bruce died and have seen me through many tough days. To that, add the fact that two of my adult children work in the same office with me, and you can see I have a grand mix of work family and real family. The idea that we were all going to be at this party together was something I was looking so forward to…

However, that would not have been the case a few short years ago, and I was reminded of that fact almost immediately. As we walked in, there was food and drinks, friends and hugs, music and laughter… lots and lots of laughter. As I sat and talked, I looked around the room people watching – enjoying the atmosphere and the spirit of fun and friendships.

Then, I saw someone whom I really never expected to be there. It was one of our managers… One of the kindest men I know. Earlier this year (not so long ago really), he lost his wife. It’s his story to tell – not mine – but it was a shock to all of us. Knowing how I felt that first year and remembering how I avoided absolutely everything that had to do with the holidays, I really didn’t expect to see him there… But he was.

As he smiled and greeted each person, the pain in his eyes was heartbreaking… Honestly, I don’t know that many people would have noticed, but coming from a similar scenario of loss, my heart broke. Yet, I knew why he was there… It was for his employees – not himself. Something most of us can relate to, I am sure.

How many times have you done something or gone somewhere because it meant a lot to the people around you, not because it was anything you really wanted to do? Many times, I would guess… We all have.

In fact, it is that very behavior that has slowly (over time) helped me to learn to love the holidays again…

That first year, I ran away. The next year, I went to my daughter’s home, but I didn’t really participate. The next year, I remember actually singing Christmas carols once again. Each year, I have pushed myself to do a little bit more – to participate a little bit more – not because I necessarily wanted to, but because I knew how much it meant to the people around me.

Then, over time… a lot of time, I can honestly say that I am finally learning to truly love the holidays again. Last year and this year, I have loved the holidays – something I never thought I would do again.

Maybe you are where I am. Maybe you are even further down that path. However, if you are new to this journey or still struggling with the holidays, that’s okay. Be kind to yourself… I can honestly tell you that you should only do what you feel like you can handle – no more… and don’t feel guilty about it. This is a hard time of year. So, take it one day at a time, and know that it’s absolutely okay to take care of yourself.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle the holidays? Do you find yourself doing those things you want to do or what others expect? Do you struggle to take of your own needs? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Twas the week before Christmas

Here we are – the week before Christmas… life is crazy and busy. On the one hand, I love it! I love the parades, the performances, the singing, even a certain amount of the hustle and bustle. I love the lights, the music and (of course) the food. I love visits from friends and family and shopping for the “perfect” gifts. This has been the first year in a very long time I have been so immersed in the Christmas season and all that goes with it.

At the same time, there are days when I feel a bit lost… Sometimes as I stop to catch my breath, I find there is not a lot of “peace on earth” to be found. I struggle to find time for any of the things that help me keep my world balanced, such as time for reflection or meditation.

Not so long ago (just four short years ago), I was completely at the other end of this experience. For the first time ever, I was alone for the holidays. There was no tree or shopping or music to ring in the holiday. In fact, there was probably too much quiet in my life. I found myself sitting on the sidelines watching the all the craziness… Half of me wishing I was still a part of the chaos, and yet at the same time, the other half was relieved I wasn’t.

Too Busy
Everyone is so busy.
No one has time to talk to a woman alone…
A woman lost.
In a season of celebration, a season of love, things have turned around…
They are out of balance.
For it has become a season of things…
Things to get, things to buy, things to decorate, things to do.
But people, the ones alone, the ones that little Babe came to love,
They are forgotten, pushed aside
Because
Everyone is too busy to take a moment to care.
~ Linda, December 2013

That first year, the year I tried to ignore Christmas was hard. The holiday was everywhere I turned. I knew I wasn’t ready to participate, but I still needed someone to remember I existed. Don’t misunderstand, my family and my friends were wonderful. I was the one struggling… But even I didn’t know what I needed, so how could they?

Navigating the holidays was one of the hardest parts of this journey for me… And still is. Each year, however, I have participated a little bit more than the year before. That has been good, but it still isn’t easy… I still have many moments of feeling lost and alone with the world racing past me.

This year, with a child in the house again, I have found the season can easily take on a life of its own. Maintaining a balance between “holiday peace” and “holiday fun” has been one of my struggles this year. Each day, I try to start with my normal meditation and gratitude list… And each day, I quickly find my mind shifting in a thousand directions to all the things I “need to do” in the days before Christmas.

I refer to this as my Monkey Mind… It is that constant back and forth battle in our minds that can be a bit frustrating. You know what I mean? It is that “voice in your head” that will wake you up in the middle of the night with a list of things you must get done and absolutely cannot forget. (Aaaargh!) Maybe it is really a “Mother’s Mind,” but I’m sure you know what I mean.

My other struggle has been the guilt associated with knowledge… The knowledge of what people struggling with loss experience during this season. The knowledge that there is someone out there tonight hurting and alone. I know that gut-wrenching pain. I know what it feels like to collapse in the middle of a room and cry until there are no more tears left to cry. It is a horrible feeling.

There is also the knowledge that Bruce is not here – not last year, not this year… never again. It has been 4 years since we celebrated Christmas together, and when I allow myself the time to really think about that and all it encompasses, I hurt all over again.

So now what?

Yes, it is the week before Christmas. Yes, it is a time of love, laughter and celebration. And yes, for many of us, it is also a time of memories and tears…

With that in mind, my prayer for all of us this week before Christmas…

“May we each take the time to love, laugh and celebrate… May we also slow down long enough to see those around us who may be hurting… And may we reach out and simply hold a hand, give a hug, or listen to a memory…

Let each of us become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance each of us is seeking from the world around us.”

If you are struggling with celebrating the holidays after your loss, please let us all be there for you. If you have any ideas that have helped you through the holidays, please share them here for others. This is our community… Let’s reach out and be the compassion we each seek.

To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Decorating and grief

Note: Just moments before posting my blog last week, we had a “milk meets computer” incident. Thank you for your patience as we worked to get back up and running this week.

For anyone grieving, the holidays are tough… They just are. I wish I could share some great “tricks” to help you through this time, but honestly, there are none.

The first year, (as I’ve told you before), I completely ignored the holiday. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t do it. There were some who tried to push the holiday on me by inviting me over to surprise me with their decorations and music… That didn’t work. In fact, it only upset me more. There were others who tried the guilt approach by reminding me that the holiday is based on faith, and is not about me or Bruce at all. While true, it is still a holiday with traditions built around those we love, so this didn’t work either. In fact, it actually just made me question my faith.

The bottom line was – I wasn’t ready. Grief is one of those things that is different for everyone. We each need to go at it in our own way… and in our own time. While I knew this in my gut, it was difficult to express it in such a way that others could understand.

The next year was slightly different… I felt braver… I wanted to participate in Christmas. I remember…

Journal Entry – Dec 2, 2014
“Hi Babe… feeling down… really struggling and missing you. Yesterday was okay – good actually… Until I started some Christmas decorating last night. : ( I thought I was ready. I thought I would be okay, but it broke me. I didn’t do Christmas last year, so this is my first time unpacking this stuff since you died. And since this box represents our last few weeks together, the memories are bittersweet and the tears seem to be endless. All I managed to get out were two nativity sets, the light brick and the stocking holders. (What am I going to do with those?) Hang one stocking? Do I hang yours? I don’t know what to do there… What do I do? I cried myself to sleep and woke up still crying. I’m not very good at this whole widow/grief thing. I can’t seem to just “move on.” I still love and miss you so much! How can this be my life? How can you be gone? How does someone with so much love and life just cease to exist? I don’t think I will ever understand this.”

“I keep remembering how much you loved Christmas – all the decorations and the music… your big ole grin when you watched me decorate or when you put on the Christmas music; your big smile that first Christmas when you laid on your belly in the snow to cut down the tree my youngest had picked; how much you loved all the treats and how excited you got about getting me the “perfect” gift. You loved the fact that this season was all about family and that was what you celebrated. When we were in Michigan, your folks would be there for the whole month and we would spend as much time as possible with them. This was also the time we would spend a week with my family back home. All that is gone now… It was you, Babe. You brought the magic to our lives and now you’re gone. Now I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost… I thought I could do this, but now… I don’t know.”

It was hard that year, but I figured it out – I did hang both stockings. Beside Bruce’s, I placed a small box of paper and a pen. I used these to write down special memories of our Christmases together, and placed these in his stocking.

For me, this really helped. In fact, this has become my tradition. It means a lot to me to see his stocking still hanging there beside mine. In fact, I think it is the most active stocking hanging there.

Each year since Bruce passed has brought challenges of their own. It is always a moment by moment holiday – half survival… half celebration.

This year, however, has brought a new grief to the picture…

This year I have been blessed with a house full, as one of my daughters and my grandson now live with me. Last weekend we managed to set up the stockings, the Christmas china, several nativity sets, the Christmas village, and the tree with lights (but no decorations). It has been a festive week filled with laughter and music.

I’ve loved it. However, I’ve still had my private moments of tears… Of overwhelming memories and those moments when I know he would have loved spending this holiday with his little Boudreaux. For me this seems to always result in tears and missing Bruce down to my very core.

This weekend as we started to decorate the tree, grief reared its head again, but this time it was my grandson’s grief. As we pulled out ornaments, he wanted to hear the stories behind each one. He smiled and laughed and hung them on the tree… so excited. Until…

About halfway through the box, he pulled out an ornament with three snowmen – a Mommy, a Daddy and a baby – and under each one were their names… Just last Christmas, they had still been a family. As he held the ornament in his hands, his eyes filled with tears. Then, still clutching the ornament, he threw himself into his mother’s arms and wept.

He has only recently come to realize that divorce is forever… This has been a hard fact for him to accept. In fact, I believe he has only just started the real grief for the loss of his family as he knew it… And just like anyone grieving, he has a mix of emotions, which can be overwhelming for a little boy, especially at a moment like this.

On this particular night we held him and listened… simply listened as he cried and told us how he felt.

Then he asked if he could still hang that ornament because he loved the way it reminded him of his “old” family. I thought of Bruce’s stocking hanging just a few feet away for the very same reason… Then, my daughter and I looked at each other and without hesitation agreed.

In the days since that night, he has taken that ornament down, held it, cried and rehung it several times. It is his way of grieving this holiday… and just as I learned with my own grief…

We all have to go at it in our own way and in our own time… I still need to hang Bruce’s stocking and my grandson needs to hold an ornament… and that’s okay.

If you are struggling this holiday season, please be kind to yourself. Do what you feel is right for you… and simply let the rest go.

If you are struggling with celebrating the holidays after your loss, please let us all be there for you. If you have any ideas that have helped you through the holidays, please share them here for others. This is our community… Let’s reach out and be the compassion we each seek.

To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.