You would think it would get easier. Instead, every year it gets a little bit harder to come to terms with the fact that another year has come and gone without Bruce… Another holiday season without the love of my life… Another multitude of celebrations with an empty space next to me where he should be… And once again, I am left crying to myself and wondering what our life might be like if he were still here.
I must give credit, though, to the many people who invited me into their celebrations this year – more, I think, than I have ever attended. Each time, however, I found myself worried in anticipation… Did they really want me there? Was this simply because they felt sorry for me? Should I go or bow out? Was I intruding or truly welcome?
Well, I can say without a doubt, each and every time, I felt extremely welcomed and loved and included. A holiday season that I thought was going to be a bust turned into a season of compassion and friendship and more love than I would have ever dared ask for.
More than likely, most of us reading this had people missing from our table – some due to loss and others due to other circumstances that prevented us from being together… (At least, it was that way for me.) Whichever reason those seats were empty, doesn’t really matter. It was still heartbreaking… While there was plenty of laughter, love, and fun, there were also those quiet moments when I had to excuse myself and find a quiet space to let my heart grieve… to feel what I felt and cry a few tears for those empty seats amongst us.
I am sure I have probably been in my own head too much throughout this season. There have been days when the world around me was a blur, and it has taken everything in me just to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have been constantly thinking about how much I still miss him… And how lonely life can be without him… Even on my best days, I can’t help but wonder what life would be like if he were here beside me to toast another year together… another year of “us”.
But that wasn’t meant to be… That was not the future we were offered. Instead, somewhere in my heart there is a hole that will never be filled. I know… at this point, I need to take a breath, look around and remember all the love I still have in my life…
Thankfully, I am blessed to be completely surrounded by friends and family who love me. People who understand I am doing the best I know how… So, today, as we face another year without those we love, I pray that each of us allows ourselves the space to grieve and the peace to heal… at least a little bit more than we are today.
_________________________________________________________
Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone… and this time of year, it can be just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to on this path, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined – especially during the holidays. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. These next few weeks will still hold many challenges for me, as I face the anniversary of his death, but my goal is to look into this new year before me and find the joy and the hope life holds.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.
