Month: October 2024

Peace, Love, and Grief – Healing

Grief is so complicated. Depending on where I find myself on this journey, the challenges are different. However, the thing that seems to be a constant is seeking some kind of healing from the pain. If I think about it, I suppose the things that I have found challenging along the way have helped me to get closer to that goal. After all, isn’t that what challenges do? Help us grow?

In the case of grief, though, there is also the underlying issue that no one else can take your hand and lead you… Each journey is unique unto that person and the relationship with the person who has died.

I have said before that I am a “list person”. Give me a list of tasks to reach my goal, and I will get there. I can do that. So, at the start of this whole messy journey, I went searching for just such a list. One where I could do A, B, and C, and pronto… all better – ready to move on.

I learned quite quickly, there is no such list for grief. Sure, I found lists of ideas that would help express my grief, and they did. But a list to follow and heal my grief? No… that list does not exist. So, if you are reading this, hoping I will give you that list, I apologize for disappointing you. Instead, my goal today is to simply introduce a phrase I am just recently learning to apply but that I wish I had heard sooner…

Is what I am doing sustaining my grief or alleviating my grief?

Let me give you an example… Normally, I love color… lots of color. Yet, when Bruce died, despite the eye rolls behind my back, I started wearing black… every day. It was a way of expressing the depth of my despair without saying a word… I didn’t have words yet. My pain was too raw… too intense… But the black I was wearing definitely reflected the darkness I was feeling. It helped… a lot.

When I was approaching the one-year mark, though, I started finding myself looking at some of my other clothes – the colorful ones. Then, in complete anger pushing them aside and choosing the black ones. Then, one day it dawned on me… Why not add a little bit of color and just see what happens?

I will tell you what happened… My mood shifted. You see, somewhere along the line, all of that black had shifted from being an expression of my pain to being a self-inflicted, “you-are-grieving” mandate of my grief. Quickly I came to realize that by no longer “draping myself in my grief”, I was internally giving myself permission to also accept the joy and happiness that life still has to offer.

In other words, somewhere along the line, all that black had moved from alleviating my pain to sustaining it… which was the exact opposite of what I needed… or wanted. I didn’t have the words to express or understand what was happening back then, but I still knew in my gut that it was no longer helping.

I think it was at that point I came to realize that I couldn’t hang onto each thing indefinitely that seemed to be helping in the moment. Instead, I need to evaluate (consistently) what is working and what is no longer working.

That hasn’t always been easy… No, let me rephrase that… It is never easy for me to let go of those things. There is always a part of me that feels guilty about letting them go. Somehow, it seems to feel like I am somehow letting Bruce go… again.

Like I said last week, finding that balance of honoring Bruce and what we had, while still moving forward and living the life I am called to live is hard. This “letting go guilt” is a big part of that. Each time, I question if I am somehow erasing him from history or my own memories, or I wonder if I live life like a “normal” person will people think I don’t care anymore or no longer grieve losing this man I profess to still love.

Like I said, it is a challenge.

I am learning that I need to forget worrying about what others may or may not interpret about my grief. That is their issue – not mine… And it is not healing. Instead, I intend to keep moving forward… and now that I have words with which to analyze what is happening, I feel a wee bit better prepared. This means I am stepping out these days and constantly looking at my actions and thoughts with those words…

… Is this alleviating my grief or sustaining it? Then, making the adjustments needed for my own healing on this path.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story.

If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. Please do… We are here for you. This is our community. (To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*)

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Battle with Balance

This morning, I saw a friend’s post. All it said was “Grief is hard.” She is so right, and my heart broke for her. It has been almost 12 years since Bruce died, and I still feel this to my core… Grief.is.hard.

I know we all experience grief differently. No two grief experiences are the same, even within our own lives. The way we grieve for one person will not be the same for another. Our grief will vary between losses – sometimes a lot and sometimes a little. However, since no two relationships are exactly alike, our grief experiences will follow suit.

For me, one of the hardest challenges of grief has been finding the balance between the sadness I feel over the loss, the desire to honor the life Bruce lived, and the reality that my life is still moving forward… without him.

“Through my remembrances, I keep their unique contributions to my life and the world alive.” ~ The Daily Word, Sept – Oct 2024

I still talk about Bruce… I love to share stories about him, especially the ones that make me laugh all over again. From silly arguments and embarrassing situations to those heartfelt conversations whispered in the dark as we lay in bed. All of these stories make me smile.

“… I keep the best of those I’ve known and loved close to my heart.” ~ The Daily Word, Sept – Oct 2024

For years, while I loved those stories, I quite often found myself struggling to balance all of the emotions. The stories themselves made me smile, and the reality that we would never again create anymore memories together would throw me into depression, which could last for days or even weeks.

As time has passed, (and with the help of some wonderful therapists), I have gotten better at finding and maintaining a balance. I have learned that, for me, it is best to focus on the happy stuff – the smiles, the laughter, the love – rather than focusing on what is gone and all that I lost when Bruce died. I’m still working on this… It is still a challenging process, but I have definitely made great strides over the last couple of years.

“Release is not about losing the past. It is about embracing the present and eagerly welcoming the future.” ~ The Daily Word, Sept – Oct 2024

At this point, I can honestly say that I am excited about my future again. It makes me smile to make plans… long-range plans… and to step up and step out, even when it is scary. Over these past couple of years, I have discovered a faith that truly fits me. I have moved my career field to a new line of business. I have learned to manage home and auto repairs. Despite being quite the introvert, I have stepped out and made new friends. In other words, I am learning to embrace the fact that while life has changed so much over the last decade, I know without a doubt, there is so much more to come.

Finding that balance while grieving hasn’t come naturally for me. It has been a process – a long, tough journey. Yet, I am making it. I am doing okay… maybe even better than okay. I am learning to find the balance which enables me to embrace my future… And I can’t think of anything that would honor Bruce and his legacy more than that.

“I bless the past… I welcome the future.” ~ The Daily Word, Sept – Oct 2024
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – When a Sign is Not a Sign

When Bruce first died, I remember begging him not to leave me… I couldn’t see how to do life without him… I didn’t even want to try for a very long time. From the beginning, the signs that Bruce left for me made it possible for me to keep going – one day at a time.

By the time I was diagnosed with cancer, (several years later), I had taken my wedding ring off and was wearing it on the chain with Bruce’s wedding ring around my neck. Suddenly faced with the prospect of some pretty scary treatment options, I found myself longing for Bruce. I couldn’t imagine how I was going to go through all of that stuff by myself… without him… It felt impossible.

So, while I continued to wear his ring on the chain, my rings went back on my finger. I just needed to feel like he was there with me through all of it. Physically, my sister selflessly went with me to every appointment, treatment, surgery, and recovery. I couldn’t have done it without her by my side. The rest of my comfort I drew from remembering the love Bruce and I shared. I could feel him with me, as well, throughout all of it.

The next year, I was diagnosed with another cancer. I was beginning to wonder if this was going to be a “rest of my life” kind of thing. I was frustrated and tired. I wasn’t sure I had the mental strength to do it again… Somehow, I could feel Bruce and I knew I could… and I did.

That’s the way it has been… I have challenges in life (like everyone else). Somehow, though, I always feel Bruce’s strength and love with me through whatever challenge I am facing… I never truly feel alone.
As I shared last week, I am often hesitant to share the details around the signs from Bruce… to talk about the signs… the energy shifts… the ways I know it is him, because it sounds a bit crazy. I know this… At the same time, I also know how common it is for a lot of us. That is why I want to share my “signs” story from this week.

Here in Florida, this is hurricane season. Not trying to jinx a good thing, however, where I am located seems to be magical – as if it has a bubble over it. Local legend says that is why NASA is here. There is something about the way the winds blow over this town… They seem to push the worst of the storms either north or south of us.

Last weekend when the news about Milton started taking shape, we started thinking about what kind of preparations to make. I have ridden out a couple of CAT 1 hurricanes here by myself, and this time, my son was going to be here with me. He is “Mr. Chill” about everything, while I tend to go too far into my emotions. As a result, we seem to balance each other out quite well. Therefore, the idea that Milton would be a CAT 1 or 2 when it passed overhead seemed doable.

We did all the recommended things – put up storm shutters and sandbags, made sure we had everything charged and extra batteries on hand, bought plenty of groceries, moved the porch furniture inside, and hunkered down to wait it out. As night fell and the storm made landfall, my son went on to bed, while I settled myself on the couch with the news on… That was where I planned to spend the overnight hours – dozing and watching the progress of the storm.

As I lay there watching the news, (even though I know they tend to over-sensationalize everything storm related), I started feeling fear drip into my soul. All the “what-if’s” started playing through my mind at break-neck speed. In an effort to reign that in and settle my mind, I closed my eyes and took a few long deep breathes, before saying out loud, “Bruce… I don’t know where you are right now, but I sure wish you were here. I could really use a hug, and to hear you whisper that it’s all going to be okay.”

As I opened my eyes, I noticed that the curtains next to me were moving… and I smiled… I needed to know Bruce was with me, and there was my sign. I knew it was all going to be okay… I wasn’t alone.
I closed my eyes and drew in another breath… Peeked to make sure the curtains were still moving, (which they were), and fell sound asleep. I didn’t hear another thing until my alarm went off the next morning. The storm was still going on outside, but inside, we were safe and dry…

Now… I have always been one to test each and every sign to see if it is real or not. As I sat there staring at the curtains – no longer moving at this point, I started to wonder if something had made the curtains move. The AC was my thought, but the only vent pointing into this room was so far away… Plus, the angle was off.

However, I knew I needed to test it. So, I turned the thermostat down and waited for the unit to kick on. Sure enough, it took a minute or two, but the curtain started to move just as it had the night before. It wasn’t Bruce or energy shifting. It was just the way the air flows around the furniture and the corners of the room.

I smiled to myself… no, it wasn’t a sign… Then again, what I needed in that moment was comfort… and comfort was exactly what I received. So, maybe it doesn’t really matter if something can be proven or disproven, as long as the result is one that brings peace to my soul when I need it.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Signs of Love

I am often hesitant to share stories about signs I receive from Bruce. While I know in my heart and without a doubt the signs are from him, I am also well aware that to many people they will sound like I am off my rocker. At the same, I also know I am not the only one… Many of you have privately shared stories of signs from your loved ones and the absolute love you feel in those moments.

Today, I want to share one such story (with permission). I have known Sharon for years. She is a wonderful, positive, and loving person – always thinking of others… always ready with a joke and a smile. When she recently lost her father, my heart broke for her. Yet, this story (in true Sharon style) brought a smile and the warmth of love to my day…

In Sharon Spungen’s own words…

“Starting the new year with a hug from dad and a dash of hope.

Got up this morning in plenty of time to get to temple early to rehearse with the choir. But as I looked around in a panic, I realized… I could not find my tallis.

I usually wear the one we got our sons for their bar mitzvahs… it has rainbow stripes, and I love the bright colors and positive energy that comes from thinking of my boys.

But today? As hard as I looked… I couldn’t find it. Anywhere. And yes, I know I have a lot of brightly cored rainbow things in my house. I get that. But this tallis that I just wore a few weeks ago for a student’s bar mitzvah? Where on earth could I have put it???

Frustrated, and now late, I checked the one place I had always kept it… and there like a sign… was Dad’s tallis. Opening it felt like a trip down memory lane. There were kippot from life events… my bat mitzvah, weddings <of those we love> and handwritten notes on dad’s Torah portion. I sat… and sobbed.

And when I walked into the rehearsal, late with tear-stained cheeks and still snuffling, wearing Dad’s tallis and kippah, I explained to all why… and Cantor said …. and I quote, “Your Dad has you covered.” And he was so right.

Wearing his Tallis was wearing a hug from him. I am pretty sure he chuckled at our chipmunk, and I would like to think he would have approved of my singing.

It was my first Rosh Hashanah without him. Last year at this time I couldn’t imagine a world without him in it. Now it is the reality I have to face. Unataneh Tokef hit hard.

But. When I came home and walked into my room… there sat the rainbow tallis as visible as could be on my desk. I think he knew I needed his presence today.

May this year bring peace to all. Lshana Tovah.”

Rereading and sharing this here makes me smile and feel all that loving energy all over again. I love that our loved ones can reach out and still make us aware of their presence and their love. Thank you, Sharon, for sharing that love with us today!
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.