Month: July 2019

Peace, Love and Grief… Oh, How I Wish!

I am not usually this late writing this blog, but until today, I didn’t really know what I wanted to write about… But something happened today that changed all of that…

Today, I drove about an hour + to meet up with a dear friend for lunch and some “catch-up” conversation. She and I have been friends for almost 30 years. Way back, we met because our husbands had served in the military together. Then, when we all left the military, we ended up in the same neighborhood. So, we did a lot together through the years. We home schooled together, went for nightly walks together, spent summers by the lake together, hung out at the bar together, babysat for each other, and our kids grew up together.

She has been there for me through thick and thin. When I went through my divorce, she and her husband offered us respite in their home. When Bruce and I were married, she was one of my biggest cheerleaders. Then, between life events and moving, we lost touch for a few years. In retrospect, neither of us knows quite how that happened… But as friends will do, about three years ago we found each other again and are determined that will never happen again.

Last year, when I went through the “cancer thing,” there she was – ready to do whatever I needed, whenever I needed. She allowed us to stay in their beach-side home the weekend before my surgery and was always standing ready to go with me to my treatments in the event my sister couldn’t. And since I have been declared cancer-free, she has been trying to find a way for us to celebrate.

In other words, she is a dear, dear friend, who owns a piece of my heart!

Today, we met halfway between our homes. (In reality, she drove further than I did, but that is how she rolls.) For four hours, we sat and talked… We laughed, we cried, we shared memories and dreams for the future… It was a glorious afternoon! And before we said our goodbye’s, we made plans for the next time.

Why am I telling you this? Well, as I drove home, I started thinking…

What a wonderful afternoon. It was simple – nothing fancy, nothing crazy, not a ton of money… It was just two people who genuinely care for each other spending an afternoon together. It was such a special day for me.

So why is friendship one of those things we seem to take for granted? Why is time spent with those we love something we take for granted? I don’t have an answer, but I would bet we all do it…

I have no regrets when it comes mine and Bruce’s relationship. Yet, I also know I took for granted so much of our time together. Don’t get me wrong… I really did appreciate our time together. Even back then, I knew I was blessed. But, all those day to day moments… those times we were just sitting on the couch watching TV or the times we were cooking together in the kitchen… All the times we came home from vacation and still had to unpack and do laundry… Or all the Sunday nights we were just getting ready for the next week… What about those?

Honestly, I know I took them for granted. I always just assumed we had endless days waiting for us… I never dreamed we wouldn’t “grow old together.” I didn’t know I needed to actually appreciate every single moment.

But now… now, I would give anything for just one afternoon with Bruce… One just like this one I just spent with my friend… To have four hours to talk and catch up… To laugh together and be able to share what is happening and what our current passions are dreams are… To be able look into his eyes just one more time and say “I love you.”

Oh, how I wish that could be… just one more time…

What about you? Do you know what I mean? Do you ever wish you could have just one more day? One more moment? I know everyone’s experience is different, and we all heal in our own way, but that doesn’t mean we have to be on this journey alone. I believe this is where we can help each other… By sharing our stories and experiences, we can all feel validated and supported. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Supposed To

This past week has held a lot of stress at work – not really anything bad, per es, just deadlines and meetings that didn’t go as predicted. We’ve all been there… We all know that is just life sometimes. No big deal… we keep going. Still, it is that stress that left me feeling emotionally drained… and physically tired this week. I know when I am tired, I am more vulnerable to the waves of grief that can catch me off guard… And they did.

All week as the exhaustion increased, my ability to push the grief onto a back burner got harder and harder. By Wednesday, the tears were next to impossible to keep at bay… And it was beyond frustrating. I was determined not to cry… not at work… not in front of anyone. Yet, there were a couple of times, I had to turn my back and hide my face. Yet, even that sometimes pisses me off, too.

Why are we held to a standard that at times is impossible to uphold? We (or at least myself) are told we’re supposed to be strong. We are “supposed to” be over it… But what about the days or moments when we aren’t? Why can’t we just be human for a moment?

But the world doesn’t function that way… And we all seem to abide by the “supposed-to’s.”

As women in the workplace, we are “supposed to” act more masculine – toughen it up, show no emotion. Otherwise, we are viewed as weak or silly. Who decided that? I’m not saying we should be an emotional mess. But I do know, having feelings and emotions doesn’t make me weak… In fact, I would bet money, I have survived more crap than most of the men who hold me to that standard.

As men, they are “supposed to” be tough and squash their emotions down deep inside where no one can see them. We tell them from an early age, “Big boys don’t cry.” Then later, as adults, we tell them not to be afraid of their feelings. Oh! Do we mean those feelings we told them not to have? Good grief! What is that about?

As an older woman, we are told what we should or shouldn’t wear… “Don’t look old, but don’t dress too young.” … Oh, please! (Yes, I am rolling my eyes!)

Certainly not the last of a never-ending list, but as a widow, I’m “supposed to” move on – get over it… Whatever!

Some days the pain is so great.
Sometimes it is too much.
But still I must put a smile on my face
And walk out to face the world.
I must pretend all is well.
But on the inside…
The pain is so great…
It is too much…
Too much…
~ Linda, September 2013

I guess what I’m saying is we all have these ridiculous expectations that are placed on us by the world around us. Yet if we are honest, as much as we hate it, we also placed them on the people around us, as well. But why? The older I get, the more I realize it’s all so ridiculous! Who cares? Yes, we need standards for our own lives, but we don’t need everyone else’s standards for our own lives… Didn’t we learn that as teenagers when peer pressure was so strong? Where did we start falling for it again?

It seems like somewhere along the line, it became more about trying to make everyone “comfortable” and life always appearing to be fabulous, rather than life is life and we just need to live it honestly. Yes, we all need to maintain a certain amount of self-control, so that our needs don’t impede on someone else’s existence. So, as long as we respect that, why not live our lives, and just leave all those “supposed-to’s” behind?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live my life based on someone else’s expectations… I simply want to live it… and experience it… all of it – the good and the bad. I want to feel what I feel, wear what makes me feel good, and do those things that bring me joy…

And I would bet you, if Bruce (or any of our loved ones) could come back, they wouldn’t say they wished they had followed more of these “supposed-to’s” …

Don’t be so rigid that you break in the storm.
At the same time, be careful how far you bend.
For if you bend too far, like a tree that breaks in the storm,
You will find you are no longer standing at all.
~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? What has your grief journey been like? Have you ever felt like you had to live up to everyone else’s standards? If so, did it frustrate you? Or was it helpful? I know there isn’t one answer that works for all of us. Everyone heals in their own way, but that doesn’t mean we have to be on this journey alone. I believe this is where we can help each other… By sharing our stories and experiences, we can all feel validated and supported. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… It’s Complicated

In the dictionary, grief is defined as “deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death,” with a second definition of “trouble or annoyance.” … Speaking from experience, both are right, and both apply here. Grief is deep sorrow caused by death, and it creates a lot of trouble and annoyance.

This week, while listening to “The Dead Drink First” by Dale Maharidge on my work commute, there was a quote that caught my ear. The speaker was a WWII vet, and basically, he said that the dead are not the ones who suffer; their suffering has ended; it is those who love them… those who are left behind who truly suffer. I couldn’t agree more.

Throughout the years on this journey, I have gone through every emotion on the planet. In the beginning I was completely numb – going through the motions of life, but not able to grasp what was really happening. It’s weird… I can remember people telling me how strong I was. I wasn’t… I was numb… I was completely dead inside. I kept thinking this had to be a dream, and I just needed to get to the end and wake up. Then, everything would be okay. Then, Bruce would be right there beside me, and I would be able to snuggle up in his arms and kiss his cheek.

But that didn’t happen…

Instead, after a couple of months, the grief (“deep sorrow”) actually started to set in. I was alone… I started each day alone, and I ended each day alone. When I looked at what lay ahead, my life looked a road filled with being alone.

This led to feelings of abandonment. I remember feeling abandoned by Bruce, abandoned by God, and abandoned by the world, (who, if you remember, is thinking I am “strong” and doing okay). Which, of course, only created “annoyance.” Then, the anger started. It began deep in the pit of my stomach, and quickly flowed into every thought.

Day after day, it was always the same – wake up, work out, go to work, come home, go to bed. Life seemed bleak and pointless… I didn’t understand why I was still here, and Bruce was gone. I couldn’t figure out what my purpose was… I couldn’t seem to find hope anywhere.

Now, the world started to take notice and think something was wrong. After all, I had been doing so well. What in the world was wrong with me? Most people had no idea this was the grief, just starting to settle in. This was actually normal. This was the “deep sorrow” and the “trouble and annoyance.” And, honestly, this delayed response is more “normal” than one might think.

You see, the sudden, (aka – unexpected), loss of someone you love knocks you off your feet. I can remember feeling like the rug had been pulled out from under me, and I wasn’t sure how it happened or why. Then, once I realized what my reality was, it felt like the last pages of my book, my story, had been ripped out. It is an awful feeling, and one I struggled with for a long time, as I tried to get my bearings and find a renewed purpose.

Then, there was the guilt. I later heard someone say that it isn’t unusual for the surviving loved ones to feel guilt or blame, because these emotions offer us a sense of control in the situation. It makes us feel as if there is a chance things could have been different… Maybe it could have been prevented. This didn’t just happen. No, someone is at fault… And in my case, it was me.

After all, I was the one who was sleeping beside him when it happened. I was the one who couldn’t wake up fast enough or call 911 fast enough. I was the one who struggled trying to get him into a position so I could do CPR… And, ultimately, I was the one who failed… In his last moments, when he needed me most, I failed. He died, and I couldn’t stop it. (Honestly, I am still crying as I write this part… I think I will always feel guilt for not being able to save him.)

It didn’t matter that the Medical Examiner told me no one could have saved him. His condition required a heart transplant, so when his heart stopped, it stopped. “No one,” he emphasized over and over, “could have saved him that night.” Yet, I have struggled with this guilt for years.

It has been a slow process, but through the years, I have come to terms with my reality. I have learned to laugh and enjoy life. It’s hard to really define my purpose, but I believe, I am here to just be kind and show love to others… At least for now.

At this point, I have a lot more good days than bad… And even the bad days, don’t linger like they used to. I am better at recognizing when I need time for me and when I need to be with others. I am better at recognizing that I am responsible for how I handle my grief, and no one else.

It’s been quite the journey, and I know it’s not over. While in the beginning I couldn’t see how I would manage, now I know I can’t just quit at life because he is gone. Life keeps going, and I want to be a part of it.

All that being said, I miss him… and I think I will always miss him.

This is just a small snippet of what grief is like… It is a small piece of my experience, but everyone’s path is unique. Everyone’s grief is different… However, it is always a jumble of emotions that come and go. Most people refer to these as waves of grief… or aftershocks. Sometimes, they are just small twinges and other times they are as strong as the initial blow and will knock you off your feet. The worst part is you never know when they will hit or why. There is no real rhyme or reason. For me, I am learning that when I am tired or frustrated, I am more vulnerable to these, but that isn’t always the deciding factor. It can be a song or smell, a place or someone’s mannerisms… Any number of things that suddenly bring Bruce to my mind, and then just as quickly, I think how much I still miss him and wish he were still here…

In other words, it is complicated…

“Grief is more than missing someone; it is an unrelenting ache for reality to be different and for the impossible to come true.” ~ Anonymous

What about you? What has your grief journey been like? What has been your biggest obstacle? How do you handle those moments when the memories flood in and threaten to take over your reality? Have you found a way to balance your grief with your current life? I know there isn’t a schedule, and everyone heals in their own time, but that doesn’t make this journey any easier. I believe this is where we can help each other… By sharing our stories and experiences, we can all feel validated and supported. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Unexpected Memories

It’s hard to believe I have spent the last few days in Michigan. It felt so strange – so surreal. There are so many days when I miss Michigan. Let me clarify… There are so many days when I miss our time there… our time together. I have so many good and happy memories of us there. Sometimes I even wonder what it would be like if I could go back, or if I still lived there…

When I stepped off the plane on Thursday, I was excited at the idea of spending the next few days with Bruce’s family. I walked down the gangway and into the airport, and it hit me like a punch to the belly… All I could think about was the first time I walked down that same corridor, and there Bruce stood – leaning against a column watching the passengers disembark. The moment our eyes met, he broke into a grin from ear to ear.

On Thursday, I knew he wasn’t there waiting. (Oh, I wish he had been!) Yet, it all came back so fast and felt so real. I actually had to stop for a moment and look around to get my bearings in this reality. This town is filled with so many memories, I found myself pausing quite often while I was there to catch my breath and to remind myself what my reality IS.

There were other memories that came to mind as I found my way through the airport… There were the chairs where we would try to steal a few private moments before saying goodbye when we were dating, and the restaurant where we always had a pre-flight drink when we were flying together. I would swear I could remember every trip to the Gulf Coast to see his folks and the multiple trips to SC to see my family… And that was just the airport.

As I was driving through town, all I could think about is how beautiful Michigan is in the summer, and how I loved spending that first summer up there with Bruce. I can’t even begin to describe the pure lush, green of a Michigan Summer… It is absolutely amazing. That drive to Bruce’s family, out toward Lake Michigan, brought back the memories of all the times we drove out there to spend time on our sailboat, Island Buoy.

While I was there, Bruce’s sisters and I spent one evening out at Lake Michigan watching the sunset. At the water’s edge, we all put our toes in the water… And it was freezing!

All I could think about was the time Bruce anchored the sailboat offshore. The plan was to swim in and eat at the beach side restaurant. I put one foot in the water and immediately climbed back into the boat. There was no way I was swimming in that cold water. There was a short conversation between us, before Bruce conceded to let me ride on his shoulders (above the water). LOL!

Truthfully, I never swam in that lake… It was always too cold for me. Bruce took one picture of me with my feet in the water, but that was as far as I could manage… Just the memory of those days had me laughing happily inside as we watched the sun slide quietly from the sky.

The highlight for my trip was spending time with Bruce’s Mom and Dad. It was wonderful! Bruce has been gone for so long now, most people will tolerate a phrase or tow about him… maybe even the occasional shared memory, but too much “Bruce” seems to make the room grow silent. However, for two days, there was conversation after conversation with his parents, and each one was filled with Bruce. I loved it! (It was even better knowing they wanted and needed those conversations as much as I did.)

At one point, Dad said the kindest thing… He talked about how it felt when Mom had a couple of strokes in May and spent weeks on end at the hospital. He talked about how awful it was to come home to an empty house – without her… And how he realized in those moments how hard the last six years have been for me… without you.

He is one of the only people who has been able to experience that and to make that connection with me… All I could manage to say was, “Thank you!” Thank you for understanding… Thank you for validating how hard this has been.

He went on to say he couldn’t speak for the rest of the family, but he could definitely speak for himself, and he felt he could speak for Bruce. Then, he said he knew if something happened to Mom, he couldn’t handle that loneliness day after day… year after year… that he felt he would need someone. He wanted me to know that he (and Bruce) would be happy for me if I ever found someone who made me happy again. He kept stressing that he (and Bruce) wouldn’t want me to be alone for the rest of my life.

Honestly, I’m not sure how I feel about that part. I am grateful to have his blessing (and Bruce’s), if such a thing should happen… And I know “never say never.” However, I don’t know if I am really ready for such a thing. Then again, there’s no rush… not for me anyway – I’m okay for now.

As I write this, I am on the plane heading back home… All I can think is how lonely it feels leaving Michigan alone… It’s like saying goodbye to Bruce all over again… As I sit here, I am trying to hide the tears from the boy sitting next me… I feel so sad and lost… so alone… but in my heart, I know, “All shall be well… All shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.” 1

What about you? How do handle those moments with the memories flood in and threaten to take over your reality? Is there a way to balance your grief with your current life? I know there isn’t a schedule, and everyone heals in their own time. However, that doesn’t make this journey any easier. I believe this is where we can help each other… By sharing our stories and experiences, we can all feel validated and supported. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

1 ~ Julian of Norwich

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Still Finding the Peace

“My mind still talks to you, and my heart still looks for you… but my soul knows you are at peace.”

I saw this saying on a piece of jewelry this weekend, and it seems to describe exactly where I find myself lately. I know it has been six years since Bruce died, but I also know there is no grief “schedule.” I do still talk to him in my mind. I do will look for signs from him… and yet, I do know he is at peace.

However, I’m not… Not completely, anyway.

I have come a long way over the years, but the bottom line is I still miss him… I also don’t really know how to let go. It feels so wrong… I guess I haven’t figured out how to balance my love for him without feeling like I am forgetting him and all we had together.

Most days, I just go about my day… Moment by moment, enjoying things as they come my way. Life is good, and I enjoy it. There are many times when I think, “Bruce would love this,” or “I wish Bruce were here for this moment.” However, I don’t cry every time like I used to. If I find myself down and crying, it is usually when I am overly tired, and just can’t manage to control those feelings.

There is a part of me that feels like I need to take another step forward, and an equal part of me that just isn’t ready. How do you do that without feeling like you are being disloyal to everything you had together? I see people do it… I’m not judging them… I’m just trying to figure it out for myself.

Does that make sense?

Like I said, I completely believe Bruce is at peace… I am the one that is still trying to find that sweet spot of peace and remembrance… I am the one still trying to come to grips with my reality…

Going from being married to being a widow has left me floundering. When I was divorced, I knew I was single. However, as a widow, it isn’t that simple. On the one hand, I still love him, and love doesn’t come with a switch that can simply turn itself off. So, there is a part of me that still feels married. However, the logical, rational side of me knows I’m not. How do I reconcile that?

Even the people around me struggle… Married couples don’t see me as married, so they long ago stopped including me. But my single friends seem to be on a mission to “find someone,” and I’m not in that space either. It’s like being in limbo… I don’t feel like I belong in either world.

Where do you go and what do you do, when you have no idea where you belong?

So… I sit and I wait. Is this where God wants me to be? I can only guess, yes, because I haven’t felt called to anything else. Perhaps this is still a time of healing, which I am okay with. Perhaps, it is a time of growth, which I have definitely felt. Whatever it is, I will wait… knowing that “All shall be well… And all shall be well… And all manner of things shall be well.” ~ Julian of Norwich

There is a path ahead.
A place I must go… alone.
I must let go of what was.
I am scared.
I do not want to move forward without you.
“It is time,” you say.
“No,” I reply and stubbornly refuse to move.
You promised you’d stay…
But I know…
I cannot see what lies ahead in the path.
I am scared…
Will God really be there?
I let go of your hand,
And take a step forward.
Then, I step back
And grab your hand again.
“It’s okay,” you say,
“There is so much more ahead;
Do not be afraid.”
So here I am
On the edge of the wood.
It feels safe where I am.
Can I take that first step?
Can I really let go of your hand?
I don’t know…
The love you showed me, I want to experience with God.
A love that is safe…
A love that is kind and good.
A love I can trust.
I wasn’t ready to let you rest in peace,
Because I wasn’t ready to live in peace without you.
I want to live in peace…
I believe I may be ready for that first step…
A step toward peace…
A step toward God…
A step toward love…
~ Linda, May 2019

What about you? Does anyone else struggle with letting go of your loved one? Is there a way to balance your grief with life? I know there isn’t a schedule, and everyone heals in their own time. But that doesn’t make this journey any easier. I believe there are we can help each other along the way, by sharing our stories. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

(Please excuse the late posting this week, as I was on vacation.)

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.