Recently, I read a line that has stuck with me… It said that over time grief becomes like a second skin. I hadn’t really thought about it that way before, but it was true. While grief starts out as a sudden stranger intruding into our world, after a while, it is no longer something outside of ourselves… We become used to having it surround us day in and day out. Then, somehow, it simply becomes a part of who we are… At least, I know it has become a part of who I am.
This week, I have watched as a couple of friends have started on this journey. Their pain is raw, and their emotions are overwhelming. I wish I had the words to make it better… I wish I could give them a list of things to do to make that pain go away… I wish I could tell them that before long, they will feel better and go back to who they were…
But that isn’t going to happen… Grief changes us… permanently. There are no words that can take away the pain… Instead, all I can do this week is to reach out in love and walk beside them the same way other people did for me.
It’s hard… What they are going through is hard… It’s awful to find yourself suddenly thrown onto that path… A “grief journey” is what it is often called, but honestly, it feels more like the road to hell. For so long, it seems as if there is no light anywhere… No God to be found… No answers… No comfort… Only pain.
Bruce died over eight years ago, and it has taken me a long, long time to get my bearings on this path. For so long, I couldn’t move at all… There was a part of me that wouldn’t believe I was here… Maybe if I didn’t move, I would wake up, and this would all be over.
But life doesn’t work that way.
In the beginning, I was so angry – angry at God, angry at Bruce, angry at couples who passed me on the street, while holding hands and laughing together. Shoot, I was even angry at well-meaning people who tried to offer words of comfort. For me, in that moment, those words felt like fluff… They seemed so trite… so insulting… It felt as if the whole world wanted me to ignore my pain and just get over it… As if the world were convinced that a few “pretty” words should inspire me to just smile and move on.
But grief doesn’t work that way.
Instead, I found that I had to allow myself to feel what I felt. (Somedays I still do.) … I learned to let myself embrace that pain and hold it close. Then, I would scream and cry and shake my fist… I hit things and I threw things… all in an effort to get those emotions out… I had to let myself feel it… all of it… before I could take even that first step on this journey.
I have learned over time that when the grief and pain wash over me, I am allowed to feel it in its entirety… Then, with a strength I never knew I had, I can take a new breath and take the next step… It isn’t always easy, and it isn’t what I always want to do. But I have learned that I can release it… I know that staying submerged in it for too long at any one time can completely overwhelm me once again… And that is a dark, dark path… a scary and lonely space… And I don’t like being there.
They say that mourning is the outward signs and behavior we exhibit after a loss, but grieving is the pain. I think that’s accurate. It is the mourning that I find I have to push through, but the grief? … Well, that is the part that has settles into my soul… that is the part that makes me a little bit stronger as it becomes my “second skin”… That is the part that never truly leaves… Instead, it simply becomes a part of who I am…
“’All shall be well,’ Yaltha had told me, and when I’d recoiled at how trite and superficial that sounded, she’d said, ‘I don’t mean that life won’t bring you tragedy. I only mean you will be well in spite of it. There’s a place in you that is inviolate. You’ll find your way there, when you need to. And you’ll know then what I speak of.’” ~ Sue Monk Kidd, The Book of Longings
To my friends who have lost loved ones this week, as well as anyone who is new to our site… I am sorry for the reason you are here. I hate it for each of you. At the same time, please know that you really aren’t alone. This journey is an odd one – filled with challenges we never imagined. We never know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when something will remind us of our loved ones. We never know when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger. That can sometimes make this journey feel even more lonely. Yet, there are other times when I know I am not alone at all. We are here for each other. This journey holds both challenges and peace-filled moments for each of us. Yet, it is actually our love for those we have lost that brings us together to this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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