“My mind still talks to you, and my heart still looks for you… but my soul knows you are at peace.”
I saw this saying on a piece of jewelry this weekend, and it seems to describe exactly where I find myself lately. I know it has been six years since Bruce died, but I also know there is no grief “schedule.” I do still talk to him in my mind. I do will look for signs from him… and yet, I do know he is at peace.
However, I’m not… Not completely, anyway.
I have come a long way over the years, but the bottom line is I still miss him… I also don’t really know how to let go. It feels so wrong… I guess I haven’t figured out how to balance my love for him without feeling like I am forgetting him and all we had together.
Most days, I just go about my day… Moment by moment, enjoying things as they come my way. Life is good, and I enjoy it. There are many times when I think, “Bruce would love this,” or “I wish Bruce were here for this moment.” However, I don’t cry every time like I used to. If I find myself down and crying, it is usually when I am overly tired, and just can’t manage to control those feelings.
There is a part of me that feels like I need to take another step forward, and an equal part of me that just isn’t ready. How do you do that without feeling like you are being disloyal to everything you had together? I see people do it… I’m not judging them… I’m just trying to figure it out for myself.
Does that make sense?
Like I said, I completely believe Bruce is at peace… I am the one that is still trying to find that sweet spot of peace and remembrance… I am the one still trying to come to grips with my reality…
Going from being married to being a widow has left me floundering. When I was divorced, I knew I was single. However, as a widow, it isn’t that simple. On the one hand, I still love him, and love doesn’t come with a switch that can simply turn itself off. So, there is a part of me that still feels married. However, the logical, rational side of me knows I’m not. How do I reconcile that?
Even the people around me struggle… Married couples don’t see me as married, so they long ago stopped including me. But my single friends seem to be on a mission to “find someone,” and I’m not in that space either. It’s like being in limbo… I don’t feel like I belong in either world.
Where do you go and what do you do, when you have no idea where you belong?
So… I sit and I wait. Is this where God wants me to be? I can only guess, yes, because I haven’t felt called to anything else. Perhaps this is still a time of healing, which I am okay with. Perhaps, it is a time of growth, which I have definitely felt. Whatever it is, I will wait… knowing that “All shall be well… And all shall be well… And all manner of things shall be well.” ~ Julian of Norwich
There is a path ahead.
A place I must go… alone.
I must let go of what was.
I am scared.
I do not want to move forward without you.
“It is time,” you say.
“No,” I reply and stubbornly refuse to move.
You promised you’d stay…
But I know…
I cannot see what lies ahead in the path.
I am scared…
Will God really be there?
I let go of your hand,
And take a step forward.
Then, I step back
And grab your hand again.
“It’s okay,” you say,
“There is so much more ahead;
Do not be afraid.”
So here I am
On the edge of the wood.
It feels safe where I am.
Can I take that first step?
Can I really let go of your hand?
I don’t know…
The love you showed me, I want to experience with God.
A love that is safe…
A love that is kind and good.
A love I can trust.
I wasn’t ready to let you rest in peace,
Because I wasn’t ready to live in peace without you.
I want to live in peace…
I believe I may be ready for that first step…
A step toward peace…
A step toward God…
A step toward love…
~ Linda, May 2019
What about you? Does anyone else struggle with letting go of your loved one? Is there a way to balance your grief with life? I know there isn’t a schedule, and everyone heals in their own time. But that doesn’t make this journey any easier. I believe there are we can help each other along the way, by sharing our stories. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.
(Please excuse the late posting this week, as I was on vacation.)
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