April 2025 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Sometimes

A couple of my kids and I spent a long Easter weekend in Michigan with Bruce’s family… also (now) my family, as they are constantly reminding me. It makes me smile… Both to hear them affirm that their love for me is about me and them and didn’t disappear when Bruce died… and also to feel the warmth of that love up close and personal. I always leave there feeling immensely grateful of each of them and the richness they add to my existence.

When Bruce died, I was terrified of losing that space in their lives. In the few short years I had known them, my love for them and the bonds between us had grown organically. So, when Bruce died, I was terrified of losing that. Everything I read said to expect that for several reasons. The two I remember are:

1. I would be a reminder of what they had lost and maintaining a relationship might be too hard for them.
or
2. The relationship was really centered around the person we had all lost, and without him, there wasn’t really a relationship.

Thankfully, none of that proved to be true. At that time, though, I wasn’t sure. My world had been tossed upside down. I had no idea what to expect.

I felt so alone… so abandoned, to be honest. (Probably a silly way to phrase it but was exactly how I felt.) To trust the depth of our relationship and rest comfortably within it did not come easily, and I struggled with that for years.

This year, though, we were able to be together for the Easter holiday, which brought so many thoughts and emotions to my mind…

Easter is supposed to be about hope and joy… the ongoing love and life that our faith calls us to live. Bruce, who was not “churchy” by any means, was extremely spiritual and lived this day in and day out. In fact, it was because of his influence, I was finally able to explore my own faith… Minimally while he was alive, and fully after his death.

Over the past several years, through this faith journey, I have come to think that maybe… just maybe… Bruce was meant to start me on this journey, due to my own feelings of inadequacy. However, the work of the journey had to be mine. Otherwise, I might never have found my way… Instead, it might have just been another example of following someone else’s path rather than my own.

This, then, has led me to realize just how much I actually absorbed from simply watching him live what he believed while he was alive. I can honestly say that he lived the most Christ-like life I have ever encountered – and that includes preachers, priests, nuns, etc. Why? After all, he didn’t preach. In fact, he didn’t use words at all when it came to how he lived his life. He didn’t need to… His faith wasn’t based on dogma. It was based on transformative live… And he simply lived that – each and every day.

All of these thoughts hit me this past weekend, as the Christian world celebrated the Easter season, followed immediately by the death of another person who lived his faith – Pope Francis. While I’m not Catholic anymore, I had great respect for this man who called for the world to stop judging and excluding and to simply love others. That was the same message Bruce lived… The same message I am trying to live, (although, I know I still stumble a lot).

On our flight home, a quote I read lately popped into my mind that kind of wraps it all up…

“Sometimes ‘I love you’ means ‘I’m setting you free’.” ~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, May 25

Bruce loved me. I know that. I still (to this day) feel his love all around me. Do I think he wanted to die? No. Do I really think he simply abandoned me? No. Was he “setting me free” to finish this journey he had helped me start? … Perhaps.

Maybe it was simply his time to go… Whatever he was called to do on this earth was done… And perhaps, I was a part of what he needed to do – to set me on the path to healing and living my own faith.
I think I will always believe and hold onto that… Not that he had to die for me to find my faith… But instead, when he died, I would have what I needed to continue my own journey… And all because he had quietly lived his own.

So, this Easter season has truly been one of joy and hope for me… Mostly because of Bruce and how he loved me… my kids… and both of our families – no judgements and no holding back – just pure unconditional love and acceptance… And what could possibly give a person more joy and hope than experiencing something like that?
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Maybe It’s in the Mud

I apologize for being MIA last week… It’s been a rough few weeks, and last weekend was Bruce’s birthday… While I had a lot of feelings, they weren’t great, and I wasn’t in a good space… I was trying so hard to be okay, but honestly, I’ve had a lot to process.

For me, it was triggered a couple of weeks ago, when a couple of people brought some things to my attention. Mainly, that I am not the person I thought I am… Instead, I am the very person I have spent my life trying not to be… which then brings to question every relationship and interaction I have ever had.

One of the biggest points of doubt has been my relationship with Bruce. Did he see me as these others say they see me? Did I let him down too? Was he relieved to be done with me? … Suddenly, I find myself questioning everything in my life – what is real? What isn’t? And how do I learn to live with this perspective of me? How do I turn it around?

I don’t know… I have talked to my therapist and a couple of friends. Honestly, I am too horrified at what has been said to share it with very many… At the same time, without honest feedback from good friends and professionals, how do I even start to process any of this.

I think some of the most helpful thoughts came from my therapist who suggested that maybe the issue was one of missing someone’s love language… Maybe what I am doing (and thinking it is loving) is not received that way because it isn’t what they need from me… Maybe? At least that gives me a starting point, I suppose.

What I really wish I could do is ask Bruce. He was always such a source of rational thought and insight. I would love to ask him. I would give anything for just a little bit of his wisdom and truth. Then, of course, his birthday hit, and it felt like a much bigger wall to scale than normal. Sometimes, I can almost feel him, but this last weekend when I needed him, the world felt so silent… like finding yourself in a place where you know you don’t belong.

I found myself asking… no begging… for him to send me some kind of answer… some kind of suggestion to help me find my way. What came back first was a quote about the lotus… Something about us being like the lotus – we can rise out of the mud and bloom… Can I? I definitely feel like I am deep in the mud. Only I feel like I am sinking – not blooming.

Then a few days later, I came across this one,

“The secret to a beautiful life is not just in an ancient tree or a star-filled sky. It is in the leaves and the mud and the rain. In you and me and in the bustling city I left far behind.” ~ James Norbury, The Cat Who Taught Zen

This hit home with me… When we can see how everything – even the rain and mud are necessary for beauty, love, and “goodness” to grow within each of us, maybe we can learn to look at each of these things with fresh eyes instead of reacting out of the immediate emotions we feel… Maybe?

I found myself trying to think about Bruce and the way he approached life – even when life was hard. Sure, he had his down times… I saw him shed a tear or two when life threw a curveball that hurt. I don’t think the point is that we won’t or shouldn’t feel the painful emotions. Of course, we will. The Divine gave us a variety of emotions so that we can feel them all… But, I think, maybe it is what we do with those emotions that makes the difference… that determines if we are sinking or blooming in the mud.

My faith teaches that our thoughts create our experience… While there are different ways to interpret that, for me, it isn’t some “woowoo” idea that I can control events with my thoughts. Instead, it is about my attitude. It is about how I choose to view and experience what is happening around me. That doesn’t mean I am in denial about what is happening, but more about what I choose to focus on in that situation.

I think this is why the “love language” piece feels hopeful. It changes the focus from “I’m a terrible person” and moves it to “I am a person, who has hurt another… and I want to change that. And, just as I choose to believe that most of us don’t intentionally mean to hurt others, it happens… Sometimes the leaves and mud and rain are within us… We are that difficult source – for others… and ourselves.

I am still at a point of figuring things out… Of trying to find a way to not only how make things right, but also how to change my approach to relationships – paying more attention to what someone might need vs what I feel inclined to give… To have the hard conversations and ask the questions that might return answers I fear but need to know.

If I muster the courage and do this… Maybe… just maybe… in a week, a month or a year from now, I will be able to find myself blooming in the mud… And while I will always believe it was Bruce and the Divine… and my friends… and my therapist (LOL) who are helping me figure all this out, I also know that it is me who has to do the hard work to move that dial… It is me, and only me, who can control what I focus on – despair at what was or hope for what can be… I am choosing to focus on the hope…
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where wtryine are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – No Need to Apologize

Most of my adult life, I have been that person who would apologize for anything and everything. It was the example set before me in my childhood home, and one I carried with me into my first marriage. No matter what it was, if my first husband was upset or disappointed about something, I would apologize – even if I had zero involvement or control… Rain on a day he wanted to do something outside? I’m sorry. Bad service as a restaurant? I’m sorry. Bad traffic or long line at the drive-through? I’m sorry.

Eventually, because I found myself apologizing several times a day for things like this, it likely made any true apologies feel just as rote as these given out of fear. I can’t even say if it was based on habit or truly trying to console him at a time when his temper could/would flair. However, I do know that by the time we divorced, and I met Bruce, it was a habit… Perhaps a habit born out of fear or desperation, but a habit none-the-less.

Early on, Bruce pointed this out and worked hard to help me break that habit… mostly by creating an extremely safe space where I didn’t have to feel responsible for his happiness and where it was not just safe to express myself – it was encouraged.

My trust in Bruce and in our relationship did change – I learned to trust that it was okay for both of us to express ourselves without the other being responsible for those feelings. Admittedly, though, there were other relationships where this did not change… at least not right away.

Some of those relationships have changed over time, especially in the last two years and with lots of encouragement on their part. Other relationships have been lost – either because they tired of my apologies based on my own insecurities or because I have finally stopped apologizing for anything and everything, and, I suppose, they preferred me the old way.

Either way, I have rejoiced in those relationships that have blossomed, and I have grieved those I have lost… Which is my point today, I suppose… The grief of lost relationships when the other person is alive and well… Things simply didn’t work out. Both of us may have tried to figure it out and make it work, but somehow, we just couldn’t.

I can’t speak for them, but there is a sadness there that persists whenever I call them to mind… a definite hole in my heart that only fits them. Yet, I know I can’t go back to what was. It wasn’t healthy for either of us. Plus, the decision to move forward in the relationship depends on both of us having that mutual desire. So… THOSE relationships I grieve… I shed tears for what was and what could have been.

“Never apologize for crying over something that once made you believe in a future filled with love.” ~ r.h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go

At the same time, I know that learning to release that relationship is what is mandatory in this moment… Maybe there is hope for later, but not in this moment. However, releasing isn’t easy, is it? I don’t think so… Even when you know it is the right thing to do, it is still hard… It is still heart-breaking. So, I have found myself thinking back to Bruce and what I learned in that relationship that I can pull out of my hat now to help me past this newest challenge, and I came up with this…

One of the most important parts of a relationship, and the part that Bruce and I got right, is being with someone who is willing to match your effort in the relationship. Sometimes that means you are both “all in” all the time, and other times it might mean that one of you is carrying more of the load. However, that doesn’t mean that the same person is always carrying that load… That is unhealthy. Whereas, if it is a back-and-forth kind of thing, that is normal.

When I was apologizing all the time, I thought I was doing the right thing by carrying that load, and in some relationships, like my first marriage, I probably was. (Although, it was more about survival than relationship.) However, when the other person was willing and able to carry their fair share, my constant apologies (that had no need) more than likely tore us apart by leaving them out of certain aspects of the relationship, in a way. So, after a while they quit… and I guess, I don’t blame them.

Relationships are wonderful, and relationships are challenging. Sometimes, they just aren’t right, no matter how much you may want them to be. You may put tons of energy into them, but to no avail… and I think it is normal to grieve those, even as you release them. Other times, like my relationship with Bruce, you simply fit together from the very beginning, like two perfect pieces of a puzzle… which is probably why, even after all these years, I still grieve for him… and us.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief