I apologize for being MIA last week… It’s been a rough few weeks, and last weekend was Bruce’s birthday… While I had a lot of feelings, they weren’t great, and I wasn’t in a good space… I was trying so hard to be okay, but honestly, I’ve had a lot to process.
For me, it was triggered a couple of weeks ago, when a couple of people brought some things to my attention. Mainly, that I am not the person I thought I am… Instead, I am the very person I have spent my life trying not to be… which then brings to question every relationship and interaction I have ever had.
One of the biggest points of doubt has been my relationship with Bruce. Did he see me as these others say they see me? Did I let him down too? Was he relieved to be done with me? … Suddenly, I find myself questioning everything in my life – what is real? What isn’t? And how do I learn to live with this perspective of me? How do I turn it around?
I don’t know… I have talked to my therapist and a couple of friends. Honestly, I am too horrified at what has been said to share it with very many… At the same time, without honest feedback from good friends and professionals, how do I even start to process any of this.
I think some of the most helpful thoughts came from my therapist who suggested that maybe the issue was one of missing someone’s love language… Maybe what I am doing (and thinking it is loving) is not received that way because it isn’t what they need from me… Maybe? At least that gives me a starting point, I suppose.
What I really wish I could do is ask Bruce. He was always such a source of rational thought and insight. I would love to ask him. I would give anything for just a little bit of his wisdom and truth. Then, of course, his birthday hit, and it felt like a much bigger wall to scale than normal. Sometimes, I can almost feel him, but this last weekend when I needed him, the world felt so silent… like finding yourself in a place where you know you don’t belong.
I found myself asking… no begging… for him to send me some kind of answer… some kind of suggestion to help me find my way. What came back first was a quote about the lotus… Something about us being like the lotus – we can rise out of the mud and bloom… Can I? I definitely feel like I am deep in the mud. Only I feel like I am sinking – not blooming.
Then a few days later, I came across this one,
“The secret to a beautiful life is not just in an ancient tree or a star-filled sky. It is in the leaves and the mud and the rain. In you and me and in the bustling city I left far behind.” ~ James Norbury, The Cat Who Taught Zen
This hit home with me… When we can see how everything – even the rain and mud are necessary for beauty, love, and “goodness” to grow within each of us, maybe we can learn to look at each of these things with fresh eyes instead of reacting out of the immediate emotions we feel… Maybe?
I found myself trying to think about Bruce and the way he approached life – even when life was hard. Sure, he had his down times… I saw him shed a tear or two when life threw a curveball that hurt. I don’t think the point is that we won’t or shouldn’t feel the painful emotions. Of course, we will. The Divine gave us a variety of emotions so that we can feel them all… But, I think, maybe it is what we do with those emotions that makes the difference… that determines if we are sinking or blooming in the mud.
My faith teaches that our thoughts create our experience… While there are different ways to interpret that, for me, it isn’t some “woowoo” idea that I can control events with my thoughts. Instead, it is about my attitude. It is about how I choose to view and experience what is happening around me. That doesn’t mean I am in denial about what is happening, but more about what I choose to focus on in that situation.
I think this is why the “love language” piece feels hopeful. It changes the focus from “I’m a terrible person” and moves it to “I am a person, who has hurt another… and I want to change that. And, just as I choose to believe that most of us don’t intentionally mean to hurt others, it happens… Sometimes the leaves and mud and rain are within us… We are that difficult source – for others… and ourselves.
I am still at a point of figuring things out… Of trying to find a way to not only how make things right, but also how to change my approach to relationships – paying more attention to what someone might need vs what I feel inclined to give… To have the hard conversations and ask the questions that might return answers I fear but need to know.
If I muster the courage and do this… Maybe… just maybe… in a week, a month or a year from now, I will be able to find myself blooming in the mud… And while I will always believe it was Bruce and the Divine… and my friends… and my therapist (LOL) who are helping me figure all this out, I also know that it is me who has to do the hard work to move that dial… It is me, and only me, who can control what I focus on – despair at what was or hope for what can be… I am choosing to focus on the hope…
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where wtryine are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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