Tag: Expectations

Peace, Love and Grief… Supposed To

This past week has held a lot of stress at work – not really anything bad, per es, just deadlines and meetings that didn’t go as predicted. We’ve all been there… We all know that is just life sometimes. No big deal… we keep going. Still, it is that stress that left me feeling emotionally drained… and physically tired this week. I know when I am tired, I am more vulnerable to the waves of grief that can catch me off guard… And they did.

All week as the exhaustion increased, my ability to push the grief onto a back burner got harder and harder. By Wednesday, the tears were next to impossible to keep at bay… And it was beyond frustrating. I was determined not to cry… not at work… not in front of anyone. Yet, there were a couple of times, I had to turn my back and hide my face. Yet, even that sometimes pisses me off, too.

Why are we held to a standard that at times is impossible to uphold? We (or at least myself) are told we’re supposed to be strong. We are “supposed to” be over it… But what about the days or moments when we aren’t? Why can’t we just be human for a moment?

But the world doesn’t function that way… And we all seem to abide by the “supposed-to’s.”

As women in the workplace, we are “supposed to” act more masculine – toughen it up, show no emotion. Otherwise, we are viewed as weak or silly. Who decided that? I’m not saying we should be an emotional mess. But I do know, having feelings and emotions doesn’t make me weak… In fact, I would bet money, I have survived more crap than most of the men who hold me to that standard.

As men, they are “supposed to” be tough and squash their emotions down deep inside where no one can see them. We tell them from an early age, “Big boys don’t cry.” Then later, as adults, we tell them not to be afraid of their feelings. Oh! Do we mean those feelings we told them not to have? Good grief! What is that about?

As an older woman, we are told what we should or shouldn’t wear… “Don’t look old, but don’t dress too young.” … Oh, please! (Yes, I am rolling my eyes!)

Certainly not the last of a never-ending list, but as a widow, I’m “supposed to” move on – get over it… Whatever!

Some days the pain is so great.
Sometimes it is too much.
But still I must put a smile on my face
And walk out to face the world.
I must pretend all is well.
But on the inside…
The pain is so great…
It is too much…
Too much…
~ Linda, September 2013

I guess what I’m saying is we all have these ridiculous expectations that are placed on us by the world around us. Yet if we are honest, as much as we hate it, we also placed them on the people around us, as well. But why? The older I get, the more I realize it’s all so ridiculous! Who cares? Yes, we need standards for our own lives, but we don’t need everyone else’s standards for our own lives… Didn’t we learn that as teenagers when peer pressure was so strong? Where did we start falling for it again?

It seems like somewhere along the line, it became more about trying to make everyone “comfortable” and life always appearing to be fabulous, rather than life is life and we just need to live it honestly. Yes, we all need to maintain a certain amount of self-control, so that our needs don’t impede on someone else’s existence. So, as long as we respect that, why not live our lives, and just leave all those “supposed-to’s” behind?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live my life based on someone else’s expectations… I simply want to live it… and experience it… all of it – the good and the bad. I want to feel what I feel, wear what makes me feel good, and do those things that bring me joy…

And I would bet you, if Bruce (or any of our loved ones) could come back, they wouldn’t say they wished they had followed more of these “supposed-to’s” …

Don’t be so rigid that you break in the storm.
At the same time, be careful how far you bend.
For if you bend too far, like a tree that breaks in the storm,
You will find you are no longer standing at all.
~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? What has your grief journey been like? Have you ever felt like you had to live up to everyone else’s standards? If so, did it frustrate you? Or was it helpful? I know there isn’t one answer that works for all of us. Everyone heals in their own way, but that doesn’t mean we have to be on this journey alone. I believe this is where we can help each other… By sharing our stories and experiences, we can all feel validated and supported. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

New Year’s Eve; Old Year’s Night 2018

All of my New Year’s Eve posts seem to hold this title (change the year)… Or, at least on my saved drive, they do. Which seems only right, since the first time I heard that phrase was the year (and cruise) when I met Bruce. The start of something new and the end of something old… It’s all the same – it just depends on how you look at it.

In the past, this was just a night like any other… Not anything to celebrate… Not anything to even think about. I had too many kids and life was too chaotic to make big deal of something so simple as the calendar changing… But then I met Bruce.

After that, this day came to hold so many expectations… so many dreams… so many promises…

That first year was the year we met… We danced the night away. I remember someone on the cruise making a comment about the two of us, and that was all it took for him to broach the subject. He was so vulnerable and honest when he said, “There’s something here, and I don’t want to lose it.”

Then, the next year, we were on that same cruise and our honeymoon. The new year (and our future) held so many promises. I couldn’t believe what a fantastic turn my life had taken and how absolutely blessed I felt.

The next few years, Bruce and fell into a quiet rhythm. Neither of us were big on parties or staying up late. We were both content to toast the new year early and head to bed to snuggle (and sleep) as the new year rolled in.

The last Old Year’s Night together, we went to our first (in many years) New Year’s Eve party together. Bruce had worked late, and I assumed we weren’t going to go after all. However, he was determined we were going. He wanted the night to be special and it was. In fact, it was a magical night! We danced and laughed into the wee hours of the morning. I have the most wonderful memories of him holding me as we danced, looking into my eyes, smiling and telling me he wished the night could go on forever… Me too! (But instead, twelve days weeks later, I would lose him forever…)

The next few years were a struggle… How could life go on? How was I supposed to celebrate another year (without Bruce)?

There was one year when an old BF from my (much younger) past popped in for the night with a dance and a lie… Attempting to manipulate a woman in grief while actually only proving what Bruce had always told me – Trust isn’t something to be given out lightly.

The following years, though, have not been so tumultuous. For the past few years, I have decided on a mantra for the upcoming year versus any resolutions. Then, I have lived by that mantra until it became a natural part of my life.

Last New Year’s Eve was little different. I found myself surrounded by people I love at a three day family wedding. It was a grand time! But not everyone was feeling it… I remember someone saying to me, “This is going to be a terrible year… I can feel it.” My response? Well, I think it pissed them off at the time, but I said, “Life is what you make of it… How you experience it is up to you.” … Oh Karma!

You see, at this time, I already knew there was a lump in my breast, which left me feeling completely unsure of what lay ahead. I wasn’t sure if I would even see another New Year’s Eve. I wasn’t sure what lay ahead, but more than anything, I knew I didn’t want to just lay down and die. So, for the first time in years, I didn’t adapt a mantra for 2018. Instead, I made the decision to do one new “good-for-me” thing each month. January was “get more rest.” February – meditate; March – eat right… and my final “good-for-me” thing was in April, which was “fight like a girl!” …

And I did…

Which brought me straight into the holidays and leads me to today… So, what do I do now? How do I want to approach 2019? Resolutions? Mantra? Nothing at all?

Well, here it is (or isn’t) …

Bruce was a big proponent of “live life as it happens” … “Flow with the current and don’t try to move the rocks in your path” … I’ve written about that a lot! I’ve constantly tried to make that my mantra too, but without a lot of success… until now.

Since all the treatments ended and life has settled back into its “normal” groove, I have actually found myself doing just that without even working at it. Maybe it is the experience of coming so close to death without actually crossing that threshold, but my perspective on life and what really matters is so different now.

Maybe that was where Bruce was coming from too… After all, I have said many times that I believe he knew his time was coming up short. Perhaps that was where he got his own ability to live life as it came… And in his knowledge of the short time he had left, he wanted to pass that wisdom on to the rest of us.

For years I tried, but I couldn’t quite figure it out. Now, however, I get it.

After this year, I have a whole new perspective on what matters… Now, this isn’t something I have to work at… It just feels natural, because I get it…

And that is what I want to hold onto… That is what I want to bring into the new year… The understanding that life is what it is… I can go with it or fight it… But learning to “go with it” feels a whole lot better…

Thank you, Babe, for leaving a legacy I have learned grasp… Once again, I am reminded how blessed I am to have shared a life with you!

What about you? How do you prepare for the New Year? Do you find yourself setting resolutions or committing to mantras? How do you end an Old Night or begin a New Year when grief and loss are a part of your world? Would you like to share your thoughts or ideas on how to face the New Year? If you are on the healing side of grief, what have you done to move forward?

Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.* Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.