All of my New Year’s Eve posts seem to hold this title (change the year)… Or, at least on my saved drive, they do. Which seems only right, since the first time I heard that phrase was the year (and cruise) when I met Bruce. The start of something new and the end of something old… It’s all the same – it just depends on how you look at it.
In the past, this was just a night like any other… Not anything to celebrate… Not anything to even think about. I had too many kids and life was too chaotic to make big deal of something so simple as the calendar changing… But then I met Bruce.
After that, this day came to hold so many expectations… so many dreams… so many promises…
That first year was the year we met… We danced the night away. I remember someone on the cruise making a comment about the two of us, and that was all it took for him to broach the subject. He was so vulnerable and honest when he said, “There’s something here, and I don’t want to lose it.”
Then, the next year, we were on that same cruise and our honeymoon. The new year (and our future) held so many promises. I couldn’t believe what a fantastic turn my life had taken and how absolutely blessed I felt.
The next few years, Bruce and fell into a quiet rhythm. Neither of us were big on parties or staying up late. We were both content to toast the new year early and head to bed to snuggle (and sleep) as the new year rolled in.
The last Old Year’s Night together, we went to our first (in many years) New Year’s Eve party together. Bruce had worked late, and I assumed we weren’t going to go after all. However, he was determined we were going. He wanted the night to be special and it was. In fact, it was a magical night! We danced and laughed into the wee hours of the morning. I have the most wonderful memories of him holding me as we danced, looking into my eyes, smiling and telling me he wished the night could go on forever… Me too! (But instead, twelve days weeks later, I would lose him forever…)
The next few years were a struggle… How could life go on? How was I supposed to celebrate another year (without Bruce)?
There was one year when an old BF from my (much younger) past popped in for the night with a dance and a lie… Attempting to manipulate a woman in grief while actually only proving what Bruce had always told me – Trust isn’t something to be given out lightly.
The following years, though, have not been so tumultuous. For the past few years, I have decided on a mantra for the upcoming year versus any resolutions. Then, I have lived by that mantra until it became a natural part of my life.
Last New Year’s Eve was little different. I found myself surrounded by people I love at a three day family wedding. It was a grand time! But not everyone was feeling it… I remember someone saying to me, “This is going to be a terrible year… I can feel it.” My response? Well, I think it pissed them off at the time, but I said, “Life is what you make of it… How you experience it is up to you.” … Oh Karma!
You see, at this time, I already knew there was a lump in my breast, which left me feeling completely unsure of what lay ahead. I wasn’t sure if I would even see another New Year’s Eve. I wasn’t sure what lay ahead, but more than anything, I knew I didn’t want to just lay down and die. So, for the first time in years, I didn’t adapt a mantra for 2018. Instead, I made the decision to do one new “good-for-me” thing each month. January was “get more rest.” February – meditate; March – eat right… and my final “good-for-me” thing was in April, which was “fight like a girl!” …
And I did…
Which brought me straight into the holidays and leads me to today… So, what do I do now? How do I want to approach 2019? Resolutions? Mantra? Nothing at all?
Well, here it is (or isn’t) …
Bruce was a big proponent of “live life as it happens” … “Flow with the current and don’t try to move the rocks in your path” … I’ve written about that a lot! I’ve constantly tried to make that my mantra too, but without a lot of success… until now.
Since all the treatments ended and life has settled back into its “normal” groove, I have actually found myself doing just that without even working at it. Maybe it is the experience of coming so close to death without actually crossing that threshold, but my perspective on life and what really matters is so different now.
Maybe that was where Bruce was coming from too… After all, I have said many times that I believe he knew his time was coming up short. Perhaps that was where he got his own ability to live life as it came… And in his knowledge of the short time he had left, he wanted to pass that wisdom on to the rest of us.
For years I tried, but I couldn’t quite figure it out. Now, however, I get it.
After this year, I have a whole new perspective on what matters… Now, this isn’t something I have to work at… It just feels natural, because I get it…
And that is what I want to hold onto… That is what I want to bring into the new year… The understanding that life is what it is… I can go with it or fight it… But learning to “go with it” feels a whole lot better…
Thank you, Babe, for leaving a legacy I have learned grasp… Once again, I am reminded how blessed I am to have shared a life with you!
What about you? How do you prepare for the New Year? Do you find yourself setting resolutions or committing to mantras? How do you end an Old Night or begin a New Year when grief and loss are a part of your world? Would you like to share your thoughts or ideas on how to face the New Year? If you are on the healing side of grief, what have you done to move forward?
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