connection – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… Unexpected Memories

It’s hard to believe I have spent the last few days in Michigan. It felt so strange – so surreal. There are so many days when I miss Michigan. Let me clarify… There are so many days when I miss our time there… our time together. I have so many good and happy memories of us there. Sometimes I even wonder what it would be like if I could go back, or if I still lived there…

When I stepped off the plane on Thursday, I was excited at the idea of spending the next few days with Bruce’s family. I walked down the gangway and into the airport, and it hit me like a punch to the belly… All I could think about was the first time I walked down that same corridor, and there Bruce stood – leaning against a column watching the passengers disembark. The moment our eyes met, he broke into a grin from ear to ear.

On Thursday, I knew he wasn’t there waiting. (Oh, I wish he had been!) Yet, it all came back so fast and felt so real. I actually had to stop for a moment and look around to get my bearings in this reality. This town is filled with so many memories, I found myself pausing quite often while I was there to catch my breath and to remind myself what my reality IS.

There were other memories that came to mind as I found my way through the airport… There were the chairs where we would try to steal a few private moments before saying goodbye when we were dating, and the restaurant where we always had a pre-flight drink when we were flying together. I would swear I could remember every trip to the Gulf Coast to see his folks and the multiple trips to SC to see my family… And that was just the airport.

As I was driving through town, all I could think about is how beautiful Michigan is in the summer, and how I loved spending that first summer up there with Bruce. I can’t even begin to describe the pure lush, green of a Michigan Summer… It is absolutely amazing. That drive to Bruce’s family, out toward Lake Michigan, brought back the memories of all the times we drove out there to spend time on our sailboat, Island Buoy.

While I was there, Bruce’s sisters and I spent one evening out at Lake Michigan watching the sunset. At the water’s edge, we all put our toes in the water… And it was freezing!

All I could think about was the time Bruce anchored the sailboat offshore. The plan was to swim in and eat at the beach side restaurant. I put one foot in the water and immediately climbed back into the boat. There was no way I was swimming in that cold water. There was a short conversation between us, before Bruce conceded to let me ride on his shoulders (above the water). LOL!

Truthfully, I never swam in that lake… It was always too cold for me. Bruce took one picture of me with my feet in the water, but that was as far as I could manage… Just the memory of those days had me laughing happily inside as we watched the sun slide quietly from the sky.

The highlight for my trip was spending time with Bruce’s Mom and Dad. It was wonderful! Bruce has been gone for so long now, most people will tolerate a phrase or tow about him… maybe even the occasional shared memory, but too much “Bruce” seems to make the room grow silent. However, for two days, there was conversation after conversation with his parents, and each one was filled with Bruce. I loved it! (It was even better knowing they wanted and needed those conversations as much as I did.)

At one point, Dad said the kindest thing… He talked about how it felt when Mom had a couple of strokes in May and spent weeks on end at the hospital. He talked about how awful it was to come home to an empty house – without her… And how he realized in those moments how hard the last six years have been for me… without you.

He is one of the only people who has been able to experience that and to make that connection with me… All I could manage to say was, “Thank you!” Thank you for understanding… Thank you for validating how hard this has been.

He went on to say he couldn’t speak for the rest of the family, but he could definitely speak for himself, and he felt he could speak for Bruce. Then, he said he knew if something happened to Mom, he couldn’t handle that loneliness day after day… year after year… that he felt he would need someone. He wanted me to know that he (and Bruce) would be happy for me if I ever found someone who made me happy again. He kept stressing that he (and Bruce) wouldn’t want me to be alone for the rest of my life.

Honestly, I’m not sure how I feel about that part. I am grateful to have his blessing (and Bruce’s), if such a thing should happen… And I know “never say never.” However, I don’t know if I am really ready for such a thing. Then again, there’s no rush… not for me anyway – I’m okay for now.

As I write this, I am on the plane heading back home… All I can think is how lonely it feels leaving Michigan alone… It’s like saying goodbye to Bruce all over again… As I sit here, I am trying to hide the tears from the boy sitting next me… I feel so sad and lost… so alone… but in my heart, I know, “All shall be well… All shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.” 1

What about you? How do handle those moments with the memories flood in and threaten to take over your reality? Is there a way to balance your grief with your current life? I know there isn’t a schedule, and everyone heals in their own time. However, that doesn’t make this journey any easier. I believe this is where we can help each other… By sharing our stories and experiences, we can all feel validated and supported. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

1 ~ Julian of Norwich

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Peace, Love and Grief… Where is the justice?

This Shouldn’t Be…
Left alone here without you,
All I have are pictures and memories for comfort.
It shouldn’t have ended – not so soon.
I don’t understand.
I can’t do this.
I need to touch you,
Feel you,
See you…
But all I have is this picture…
A permanent smile frozen in time;
Your smile…
Always engrained on my heart.
~ Linda, Jan. 6, 2014

It’s not fair!

How many times did I hear my children say that as they were growing up? How many times did I hear my students say this when I was teaching?

This is one of those statements that we tend to associate with children. However, if we are honest, it is a statement we continue to use even as adults. Perhaps we use the term “justice” instead, but we still use it and the intention behind it remains the same. It is only the topic that is new. We use it in reference to taxes, promotions or raises at work, within our families or peer groups… or in regards to just about anything that doesn’t go the way we think it should.

I know I have used this statement many times in regards to Bruce’s death… It wasn’t right! It wasn’t fair!… God must have made a mistake somewhere. After all, there are a lot of “bad” people out there… or people who don’t love their spouses… or people who want “out.” Why Bruce? He was a good man… we loved each other… we were looking forward to a “lifetime” together…

It wasn’t fair! (And so, for a season, I railed at God and told him exactly what I thought about it!)

As time has passed, however, I have developed a peace about the situation and stopped demanding justice. Today I thought I’d share my journey on this one, just in case there is any one else struggling with this same issue.

To get to the very basics of the issue, it is important to understand there is a basic need for justice built into all of us. In fact, this need seems to go back to the beginning of time. Throughout history, societies’ laws, social mores and religious thoughts have been built on a system of “rewards and punishments” all in the name of justice or “being fair.”

Ancient texts tell us that tragedies were often viewed as a punishment from God (or gods, depending on the culture). In some ways, many people today still follow that same idea. I often hear people say (and used to think myself), “I don’t understand. I follow the rules. I do the ‘right’ things, but then this (fill in the current dilemma) happens. It’s not fair.” And sometimes (for good measure) we’ll throw in a – “God must hate me.”

I remember once discussing the abuse in my first marriage with someone “religious.” I was struggling with the effects left on my children. I stated that I didn’t understand why God had “let it happen,” and why he had “let my kids pay such a high price.” “After all,” I reasoned, “I was a ‘good’ Christian; I loved God and did all the ‘right’ things – I prayed everyday. I was at the church whenever the doors were open. I even taught at our parochial school.”

Truthfully, looking back, I think there may have been a part of me that knew better, but I wanted someone to tell me “God didn’t do this.” I needed to hear those words… I needed to know God didn’t hate me.

Instead, I was told “God had allowed it. In fact, he not only allowed it, he had probably directed it.” This person went on to tell me that until I figured out what I was doing wrong and got my life “right with God,” he would have no choice but to continue punishing me and those I love.

I was devastated. I had spent my whole life trying to be “good.” I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that God was angry and punishing me for reasons I didn’t even know… and I was supposed to just “figure it out.” (Let me interject here – when a person does this to their spouse, we think they are being ridiculous and talk about communication skills… hmmm. )

I remember coming home in tears and talking to Bruce. Always my hero, he took me in his arms and told me he didn’t believe any of that – He didn’t believe God works that way. Instead, he encouraged me to look at things from another perspective. What if we were to understand that life just happens… And God, in his love and grace, had actually rescued the kids and I from that environment, protected us through the court system, and sent Bruce to show us what true, unconditional love looks like.

I remember laying in his arms and feeling peace, love and comfort. This was a story that made sense. I wanted to believe him, but letting go of old ideas can be difficult.

Not long after this conversation, Bruce passed away…

I remember people “counseling” me in the “ways of God.” (Yes, I am rolling my eyes here.) I remember being told several reasons for Bruce dying, but the two that frustrated me the most were:

God had taken Bruce away to punish me for ____ (fill in the blank).
God had taken Bruce away because I loved him too much… and if you love anything more than God, he will take it away because “he is a jealous God.”

Seriously?? I was so angry. I kept thinking this wasn’t right… It wasn’t fair. And if this is the “nature of God,” I wasn’t interested any more… I was done.

What I didn’t know then, but have come to realize is “when we can’t find justice in the real world, we will make up a story to reaffirm its importance.” * That is exactly what I was allowing the world around me to do… make up a story to fill in the blanks.

I needed justice. But for there to be justice, there needed to be several factors. First, there needed to be blame. This was mine – I was to blame although I didn’t know my “crime.” Then there had to be a judge… that would be God. And a jury… again, God. And finally, the victim in my story – me (again) because God’s expectations (as presented) were ridiculously unattainable.

Okay – I realize this sounds overly dramatic. However, in my grief, this was how the combination of my pain, my need for justice and my religion played out. This combination caused my world to imploded even further. Now, feelings of abandonment were added to my list – abandoned by Bruce, God, my faith… This is where complete loneliness set in. I was a mess, and it was not a pretty sight!

But that isn’t the end of the story.

In my struggle to keep from drowning in my grief, I found myself trying to understand what it was Bruce had been trying to help me understand… What was it about his faith that made his understanding of God so different from the one I was raised to believe in?

I began reading the books he read and listening to the speakers he listened to… Before long, I began to realize that somewhere in our need to find “justice” in life’s events, some of us made God into something he isn’t… and was never meant to be.

Now, after years of reading, studying and deciding for myself what I think and believe, I am at peace with the knowledge that sometimes… life just happens. And God? Well, he wants to love me through it.

He is not out there waiting for me to mess up so he can say “gotcha.” He made me and all of my imperfections. Because of that, he expects imperfection. Did you know the word ‘sin’ in Hebrew actually means “to break the peace of shalom?” It is not about breaking rules at all… it is about disconnecting from God, ourselves and each other. With that in mind, I am learning to stop focusing on the rules and “being good.”… I am learning to give myself a break and to stop thinking I need to be perfect in order to be loved.

When I look at all the things happening in the world around me, I think perhaps we all need to be more focused on connecting with each other and with God. It was eye-opening to say the least, when I found whether I was reading the Bible, the Tao te Ching, the Bhagavad Gita or any other sacred text, they all call us to do the same thing – love God… and to show that love by connecting with each other… by loving each other.

It is such a simple instruction and yet we seem to get it so wrong.

So… if love and connection is the goal, then when we treat other people with disrespect, hate and anger that is when we disrupt the “shalom.” It is also imperative to understand that it is not our job to determine if someone is “worthy” before we act… We are simply called to act. This where we will all find peace…

This is where justice is found – in our ability to to share each other’s pain and struggles and to love and respect each other despite our differences. In this way, no one is left to cry, “It’s not fair. Where is the justice?”

Because the divine energy within each of us becomes the divine reality for someone else.

What about you? Did you struggle with anger after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Quote acknowledgment – Rob Bell

Peace, Love and Grief… Now for the rest of the story

One Day
One day I will see him again.
And he will touch my cheek,
And kiss me,
And I will smile… again.

~ Linda, Sept 10, 2014

Last week I wrote about our upcoming anniversary… Where we had come from, what we had planned and what I anticipated as the upcoming reality. Well, it ended up being such an incredible day… better than I could have ever imagined. So, I thought this week I would share that with you… just as I wrote it in my journal (which I always write as if it is a letter to Bruce).

First I should probably explain that I don’t just believe, I know that there is still a connection between Bruce and I. (And those I am closest to and love get to hear those stories quite a bit.) This is one of those stories…

Nov 14

Hi Babe,
Oh my gosh, I miss you today! It was such a good week, especially Monday! Our anniversary was beautiful! I worked from home and started early (4:30 am) since I wasn’t sure how I would be emotionally as the day progressed. It was supposed to rain in the afternoon so I decided to go to the beach at sunrise to spend some time with you.

When I got to the station where we scattered your ashes, the tide was high; the surf was rough and while the sky was lit up, the sun hadn’t risen quite yet. I was the only one there… it was perfect.

I changed my mind about bringing you a beer and decided instead to bring you some of the Jamaican rum I got this summer. It just felt right since that was supposed to have been our trip. I started off pouring you only 1/2 a shot. (I was really hesitant to pour very much of this rum into the ocean. After all, I can’t get it here and who knows when I’ll go back there.) Then I laughed because I could almost hear you say, “Really? That’s all? What kind of tribute is that?”

Shoot! Touche! You win! I think we were both laughing as I filled the shot and poured it into the next wave that came up and covered my feet. Then, I poured my own shot and lifted it in a toast to us… to our connection that even death cannot stop.

After that I took your card and three roses and placed them in the sand below the high tide mark. I managed to get a picture before a wave came and took the card. (I did not see the card again.) However, it took a few more waves for the roses to go… at least two of them. One rose kept washing back up to my feet. I’d throw it back into the water and back it would come (right to my feet). The others were long gone, but that one kept coming back.

“Babe,” I said, “Stop! These are for you.” The next time I threw it, it didn’t come back. I smiled with satisfaction and sat down to watch the sun rise.

About that same time, a man came down the boardwalk and seeing me to the left, he followed “appropriate beach etiquette” (lol!) and went to the right. Within a minute or two, though, he was walking back toward me… carrying “the rose.”

As I stood to greet him he said, “I know this sounds weird, and I’m really out here to fish, I promise. But this rose just washed up at my feet, and I had this overwhelming urge to bring it to you. Now that I’m here, it looks like you need it.” Then he paused as I started to laugh and cry at the same time. “Was that okay?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said as I took the rose back and explained why I was there. I went on to explain that I had thrown that rose back several times.

“I think your husband must want you to have this one,” he said as he gave me a hug and walked back to his spot. At that point I looked out at the water to thank you, Babe, and there – not 3 feet from the shore (in the gully) – was a 4 – 5 foot shark. (We always called Bruce, My Michigan Shark, after the shark in Finding Nemo and because it was the “on-set” nickname of the shark in Jaws.)

I smiled all day because of that… thank you, Babe!

For dinner I went to our place in Cocoa and the waiter remembered me. He greeted me as soon as I walked in. “I saw ‘Anniversary dinner for one’ in the Reservation book,” he said, “and I was hoping it was you. We will make this a special night… I promise.” And, of course, they did… even down to a complimentary glass of champagne.

It was not what we planned all those years ago, Babe, but I felt happy… and loved… Thank you!

I shared this story with you knowing that there will be different reactions… and probably plenty of skeptics. That’s okay. My purpose is to write about my experience, so I will tell you what my Daddy told me when I related the beach story to my parents…

“Only you can interpret that story for yourself, Tiger.” (Yep – That’s what my Daddy has always called me.) “Don’t let anyone tell you what it is or isn’t. Keep the joy you felt and hold onto that.”

And that is precisely what I plan to do.

Website Note: Due to family time, I will be slightly off schedule for the next couple of weeks. I will post early next week and late the following week. Thank you for understanding my need to enjoy my precious time with those I love.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you connected with your loved one? I would love to hear from you… Please feel free to share your experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may be the one that changes everything for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief