going home – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Going Home

Due to several factors (mostly Covid), it’s been several years since I have been back to Bruce’s hometown in Michigan, and three years since I have been able to see and hug his parents. It has felt like forever! But last weekend, I boarded a plane and did just that.

I love that town. (Well, I love it when it isn’t freezing cold and snowing – lol!) It was where we were married and where we had our first home together. There are so many precious memories there… Even now, I am tearing up just thinking about it all. I went this last week because we were celebrating his Dad’s 90th birthday.

Years ago, Bruce was able to go celebrate his 80th birthday, but I had to miss it due to work. None of us had any idea Bruce would be gone a few short months later. So this year, I was determined to be there for his 90th. For weeks, I have been so excited that things are more “normal”, and I was finally going to be able to go!

As soon as I landed, though, the memories (and the tears) started…

As I was leaving the terminal, my mind at once turned to that first trip to Michigan so many years ago. I was terrified leaving the terminal that day, only to find Bruce’s smiling face waiting for me at the bottom of the walkway… The start of a wonderful adventure filled with love.

Of course, this time there was the hubbub of getting my own luggage and, finally, the rental car. The whole time, all I could think about were all the trips back here after we left and moved to Florida… The two of us waiting in line for a rental car versus just me… alone. Deep breaths and attempts to refocus were the only things to save me from breaking down in tears as I waited my turn.

On my drive to his sister’s house, (where I stayed), everything was extremely familiar, despite the many years since I had been there – streets and exits, restaurants and shops… all the places we used to go… and the avalanche of memories that wouldn’t stop. I think I cried for the first ten miles or so. At that point, though, I knew I had to make myself stop. I was not about to spend an entire week crying everywhere I went. I needed to focus on the “happy” of what had been – not the sadness of what is gone.

The week was wonderful! I immediately fell right into the rhythm of his family from the moment I stepped across the threshold. The first night there was a wonderful celebration of Dad’s 90th with all of his family and friends. Yet, for me, the best part came at the end when we were all sitting around the firepit and Dad entertained us with stories and songs… That man can tell the best stories!! And his love for his family shines through in all of it.

The only thing missing that night was Bruce… We all knew it… Still… in my heart, I believe he was there too – smiling and laughing right along with the rest of us!

On another day, we went out to the lake and had lunch near the marina where Bruce and I used to keep our sailboat. Oh my gosh!! All the memories!! The bait shop where we always stopped for beer… the summer nights sleeping in the small cabin on the boat… the sadness of putting the boat in storage for the winter and the excitement of pulling it out in the summer… and the beachside bar where we often stopped for lunch.

I remembered the place immediately… One of the first times out on the boat, Bruce had anchored offshore with the intention of us swimming/walking to shore for lunch. But… I am a southern girl through and through, and even in the middle of summer, Michigan waters are too cold for this girl. So, that dear man let me ride to shore on his shoulders with only my toes touching the water. I still laugh every time I think about how I convinced him to let me ride and stay warm vs swimming and getting cold.

The following day, I was able to have lunch with Bruce’s daughter. I don’t get to see her often, since she has little ones of her own, but our time together was absolutely precious to me. So many stories shared… so many questions answered… and still so much more I want to share with her. I really wish Bruce could have been there… I am sure she wished the same. Yet, the two of us will always have a connection because of him, and I will treasure that for as along as life allows.

The best part of the whole week? Honestly, it was simply the continuous time spent with family… the people who knew and loved Bruce too… the people who miss him like I do… the people who don’t think I should be “over it” and who understand when I shed a tear here and there… the people who accept me as family, too.

I remember when Bruce died, I was terrified I would lose these wonderful people in my life. Everything I read at the time said to expect his family to gradually pull away until one day I would realize they were no longer there. However, that has never happened. Instead, here we are, almost 10 years later, and we are closer than ever. I am so blessed, and I love them to the moon and back… To my mind, they are another precious gift from the man who was my hero… the man who loved me… the man who gave me so many precious memories to lean on until I see him again.
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This journey isn’t easy… not that you need me to tell you that. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls… places we can go to and find comfort… moments where we learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of these good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories with you. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to each of you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

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Peace, Love and Grief… Unexpected Memories

It’s hard to believe I have spent the last few days in Michigan. It felt so strange – so surreal. There are so many days when I miss Michigan. Let me clarify… There are so many days when I miss our time there… our time together. I have so many good and happy memories of us there. Sometimes I even wonder what it would be like if I could go back, or if I still lived there…

When I stepped off the plane on Thursday, I was excited at the idea of spending the next few days with Bruce’s family. I walked down the gangway and into the airport, and it hit me like a punch to the belly… All I could think about was the first time I walked down that same corridor, and there Bruce stood – leaning against a column watching the passengers disembark. The moment our eyes met, he broke into a grin from ear to ear.

On Thursday, I knew he wasn’t there waiting. (Oh, I wish he had been!) Yet, it all came back so fast and felt so real. I actually had to stop for a moment and look around to get my bearings in this reality. This town is filled with so many memories, I found myself pausing quite often while I was there to catch my breath and to remind myself what my reality IS.

There were other memories that came to mind as I found my way through the airport… There were the chairs where we would try to steal a few private moments before saying goodbye when we were dating, and the restaurant where we always had a pre-flight drink when we were flying together. I would swear I could remember every trip to the Gulf Coast to see his folks and the multiple trips to SC to see my family… And that was just the airport.

As I was driving through town, all I could think about is how beautiful Michigan is in the summer, and how I loved spending that first summer up there with Bruce. I can’t even begin to describe the pure lush, green of a Michigan Summer… It is absolutely amazing. That drive to Bruce’s family, out toward Lake Michigan, brought back the memories of all the times we drove out there to spend time on our sailboat, Island Buoy.

While I was there, Bruce’s sisters and I spent one evening out at Lake Michigan watching the sunset. At the water’s edge, we all put our toes in the water… And it was freezing!

All I could think about was the time Bruce anchored the sailboat offshore. The plan was to swim in and eat at the beach side restaurant. I put one foot in the water and immediately climbed back into the boat. There was no way I was swimming in that cold water. There was a short conversation between us, before Bruce conceded to let me ride on his shoulders (above the water). LOL!

Truthfully, I never swam in that lake… It was always too cold for me. Bruce took one picture of me with my feet in the water, but that was as far as I could manage… Just the memory of those days had me laughing happily inside as we watched the sun slide quietly from the sky.

The highlight for my trip was spending time with Bruce’s Mom and Dad. It was wonderful! Bruce has been gone for so long now, most people will tolerate a phrase or tow about him… maybe even the occasional shared memory, but too much “Bruce” seems to make the room grow silent. However, for two days, there was conversation after conversation with his parents, and each one was filled with Bruce. I loved it! (It was even better knowing they wanted and needed those conversations as much as I did.)

At one point, Dad said the kindest thing… He talked about how it felt when Mom had a couple of strokes in May and spent weeks on end at the hospital. He talked about how awful it was to come home to an empty house – without her… And how he realized in those moments how hard the last six years have been for me… without you.

He is one of the only people who has been able to experience that and to make that connection with me… All I could manage to say was, “Thank you!” Thank you for understanding… Thank you for validating how hard this has been.

He went on to say he couldn’t speak for the rest of the family, but he could definitely speak for himself, and he felt he could speak for Bruce. Then, he said he knew if something happened to Mom, he couldn’t handle that loneliness day after day… year after year… that he felt he would need someone. He wanted me to know that he (and Bruce) would be happy for me if I ever found someone who made me happy again. He kept stressing that he (and Bruce) wouldn’t want me to be alone for the rest of my life.

Honestly, I’m not sure how I feel about that part. I am grateful to have his blessing (and Bruce’s), if such a thing should happen… And I know “never say never.” However, I don’t know if I am really ready for such a thing. Then again, there’s no rush… not for me anyway – I’m okay for now.

As I write this, I am on the plane heading back home… All I can think is how lonely it feels leaving Michigan alone… It’s like saying goodbye to Bruce all over again… As I sit here, I am trying to hide the tears from the boy sitting next me… I feel so sad and lost… so alone… but in my heart, I know, “All shall be well… All shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.” 1

What about you? How do handle those moments with the memories flood in and threaten to take over your reality? Is there a way to balance your grief with your current life? I know there isn’t a schedule, and everyone heals in their own time. However, that doesn’t make this journey any easier. I believe this is where we can help each other… By sharing our stories and experiences, we can all feel validated and supported. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

1 ~ Julian of Norwich

Peace, Love and Grief… Going home

The month of May was a crazy one – filled with one trip after another. The month didn’t start that way… I didn’t plan it that way. Normally I would never fill every single weekend with a trip. (Mainly because it would be too exhausting.) However, as each opportunity presented itself, I found myself wanting to go… so I did.

One weekend was spent with a dear friend celebrating her upcoming birthday. Another was spent in Mississippi with one of my daughters and my grandson. And another was spent at a family reunion in honor of my daughter and son-in-law visiting from England.

If you are counting, though, you will realize there are two weekends unaccounted for… Those two weekends had actually been planned for months. It was my first trip back to Michigan… back to our home since before Bruce passed away.

To say I was nervous about returning would be an understatement… Michigan is where we first told each other we loved each other, where we shared our first home, and where our lives changed forever.

While we moved away from Michigan over 6 years ago, we usually went back about once a year to visit our family and enjoy a short break from the summer heat of Florida. On our last trip in July of 2012, we attended Bruce’s annual family reunion and spent time with both our daughters and Bruce’s grandaughter. Neither of us had any idea that trip would be our last one together.

However, six months later, Bruce passed away… For years, the idea of going back to Michigan (going back home), seemed too hard. While I love being here in our home and our space in Florida, I couldn’t quite bring myself to travel back to the place where we started.

However, I decided this was the year to go back.

I spent the first few hours enjoying my daughter – catching up and laughing with each other. The next few days were spent as a girls’ weekend with my soul sisters and my daughter. These days were wonderful and filled with tons of love and laughter. Then, Monday and Tuesday was spent in my old office – visiting and working with my former coworkers and friends.

Up to this point everything was fine. I hadn’t been anywhere yet that was significant to Bruce and I so there was nothing too emotional. The next three days, however, were dedicated to exactly that. With my daughter at my side, I had a list of a few very specific places I wanted to visit.

The first place I wanted to see was our first home together. I remember when my daughter and I first moved into Bruce’s home, I thought it looked like a ski lodge. (I still do… and I love it!) As soon as we pulled up, a thousand sweet, precious memories came flooding back – from the night my daughter and I first arrived, to snowball fights that found their way into the house, to nights spent cooking and dancing in our tiny, little kitchen, to evenings spent watching summer sunsets from our deck. This home was sold long ago so we couldn’t go inside. But we did walk around the building, sharing some of our favorite stories from those years.

Our next stop was a small lake with miles and miles of hiking trails. The first time I ever went there was with Bruce. He woke me up one Sunday mornin and told me he had a gift for me – but not one in a box… something better… something much better.

It was springtime and Michigan was finally starting to warm up after my first long winter. When we pulled into the parking lot, I smiled. He had just given me a great gift!.. A place where I could spend hours outside just breathing and enjoying life. We spent hours walking that day, simply enjoying nature and each other. In fact, every year when we would visit from Florida, we always made time for a morning or afternoon hike around “our” lake.

From there, we went to the small restaurant nearby where Bruce and I had our wedding reception dinner. When we were married I was too busy trying to get moved to Michigan, so Bruce had planned everything, even our reception dinner here. It was such a quaint lodge restaurant and our table for the evening was right in front of the fireplace… always my favorite spot! It was absolutely perfect.

When my daughter and I arrived, it was the middle of the afternoon. The dining area was closed so we sat at the bar, enjoying some wine and chatting. However, before we left, I explained why I was there and obtained permission to go into the dining room to spend a few minutes just sitting at that table, remembering those precious hours spent celebrating our marriage and our love. Yes… I cried, but I am so glad I got to sit there once again and remember…

Our last stop of the day was actually one stop with two places I wanted to visit. The first is a local icon, The Corner Bar, which is actual famous for its hotdogs. In fact, the walls are lined with the names of people who have “survived” their Hot Dog challenge… and no – Bruce’s name is not there! LOL! Personally, I hate hot dogs, but Bruce loved them. So, this crazy place was not only his favorite go-to restaurant, it was one of the first places he took me on my first trip to Michigan. On this particular trip, however, I still couldn’t manage to eat a hot dog (even in his honor), so a basket of fried pickles had to do. But it was wonderful to just sit there and take it all in… and remember.

The second half of this stop was the local river and dam. Bruce and I spent so many summer evenings sitting on a blanket here, enjoying a picnic dinner and their Summer Blues by the River series. This was also my favorite “thinking spot” whenever I had something to figure out or just needed some space. As my daughter and I walked across the dam, I smiled as I looked back on the whole day… and what a great day it had been.

On our last night, we were able to spend another evening with Bruce’s family. It was so much fun to just sit and laugh and share stories. This family will always amaze me! The fact that they still love and include me, my kids and my grandson in their lives is a testament to the love we share… and the legacy of Bruce.

This was my first trip home in four years. For the first time, I experienced Michigan without the man who brought me there. How did it feel to go home alone? Well…

I smiled… and I cried… It was wonderful to remember how blessed I was to have lived here and how my whole life changed in this place…

But mostly I was so, very glad to be in this place once again… To experience and remember this space where Bruce and I shared so much love just a few years ago.

What about you? Have you ever had that experience of going back home after your loss? How was that? Or are you still waiting to make that trip? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief