Tag: celebrations

Peace, Love, and Grief… With All My Heart

This week was our anniversary… In keeping with years past, I have chosen to simply share the words I wish I could say to Bruce. Who knows… maybe by sharing them here… by putting them out into the universe, he will hear them too and know that my love for him is still going strong…

Hi Babe!

Happy Anniversary! It is hard to believe that this would have been year 17… Yet, it feels like only yesterday when we stood with our families in front of a judge, said, “I do”, and made promises of love and commitment. I can remember the feel of your hands holding mine. I can remember looking into your eyes and all of my doubts and fears about trusting someone again fell away… I knew this was right. I knew our love was true… and real… and forever.

This year, though, has been one of the hardest anniversaries to date…

I was really looking forward to a day spent simply celebrating us. I wanted to spend time on the beach watching the sunrise. Then, a celebratory dinner at our favorite restaurant down in Cocoa. Sadly, though, TS/Hurricane Nicole changed all of those plans. Instead, I have been stuck here at home, watching the weather and waiting… just waiting.

It feels so wrong… as if “we” never happened… I know it sounds melodramatic, but I have never not celebrated this day. I was actually supposed to be off today to spend the day celebrating us – the biggest blessing my little family has known. Instead, though, I gave the day back at the last minute yesterday. Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere, it seemed like a very bad idea to sit here at home feeling sorry for myself versus celebrating.

So, I worked today. It seemed like a good idea to pass the time, and now, at the end of the day, I am simply sitting here in our space – celebrating with a glass of wine and writing to you all the things I wish I could tell you…

Let me start by saying, “Thank you!” Thank you for coming into my life and being my hero. Thank you for all of your love and support… for believing in me… for believing that I could do so much more than I ever imagined.

Thank you, too, for loving my kids… For being the man whom they could count on to love them no matter what… For being the man who showed unconditional love and support from day one. Thank you for showing them what a healthy marriage and an emotionally healthy man look like… For being a true father – not in name only, but in your everyday actions.

Thank you for all the love and endless hugs… For holding me in the night when I awoke terrified of dreams about the past that felt all too real… For greeting me at the door with a hug and a glass of wine at the end of a hard day… For making me feel like the only woman in the world (in your eyes) who mattered… For believing in me… and believing in us.

Thank you for days spent on the beach and all the barefoot dances in the kitchen… For your constant outlook for our safety, and your endless patience. Thank you for this beautiful home, and all the ways you tried to have everything in order before you died.

For all of this and so much more, I thank you! I know our love was a blessing that I will always cherish… a gift that I will never, ever forget.

I love you, Babe, with all my heart… Now and Forever!

Linda

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way.” ~ Pablo Neruda
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. Healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Going Home

Due to several factors (mostly Covid), it’s been several years since I have been back to Bruce’s hometown in Michigan, and three years since I have been able to see and hug his parents. It has felt like forever! But last weekend, I boarded a plane and did just that.

I love that town. (Well, I love it when it isn’t freezing cold and snowing – lol!) It was where we were married and where we had our first home together. There are so many precious memories there… Even now, I am tearing up just thinking about it all. I went this last week because we were celebrating his Dad’s 90th birthday.

Years ago, Bruce was able to go celebrate his 80th birthday, but I had to miss it due to work. None of us had any idea Bruce would be gone a few short months later. So this year, I was determined to be there for his 90th. For weeks, I have been so excited that things are more “normal”, and I was finally going to be able to go!

As soon as I landed, though, the memories (and the tears) started…

As I was leaving the terminal, my mind at once turned to that first trip to Michigan so many years ago. I was terrified leaving the terminal that day, only to find Bruce’s smiling face waiting for me at the bottom of the walkway… The start of a wonderful adventure filled with love.

Of course, this time there was the hubbub of getting my own luggage and, finally, the rental car. The whole time, all I could think about were all the trips back here after we left and moved to Florida… The two of us waiting in line for a rental car versus just me… alone. Deep breaths and attempts to refocus were the only things to save me from breaking down in tears as I waited my turn.

On my drive to his sister’s house, (where I stayed), everything was extremely familiar, despite the many years since I had been there – streets and exits, restaurants and shops… all the places we used to go… and the avalanche of memories that wouldn’t stop. I think I cried for the first ten miles or so. At that point, though, I knew I had to make myself stop. I was not about to spend an entire week crying everywhere I went. I needed to focus on the “happy” of what had been – not the sadness of what is gone.

The week was wonderful! I immediately fell right into the rhythm of his family from the moment I stepped across the threshold. The first night there was a wonderful celebration of Dad’s 90th with all of his family and friends. Yet, for me, the best part came at the end when we were all sitting around the firepit and Dad entertained us with stories and songs… That man can tell the best stories!! And his love for his family shines through in all of it.

The only thing missing that night was Bruce… We all knew it… Still… in my heart, I believe he was there too – smiling and laughing right along with the rest of us!

On another day, we went out to the lake and had lunch near the marina where Bruce and I used to keep our sailboat. Oh my gosh!! All the memories!! The bait shop where we always stopped for beer… the summer nights sleeping in the small cabin on the boat… the sadness of putting the boat in storage for the winter and the excitement of pulling it out in the summer… and the beachside bar where we often stopped for lunch.

I remembered the place immediately… One of the first times out on the boat, Bruce had anchored offshore with the intention of us swimming/walking to shore for lunch. But… I am a southern girl through and through, and even in the middle of summer, Michigan waters are too cold for this girl. So, that dear man let me ride to shore on his shoulders with only my toes touching the water. I still laugh every time I think about how I convinced him to let me ride and stay warm vs swimming and getting cold.

The following day, I was able to have lunch with Bruce’s daughter. I don’t get to see her often, since she has little ones of her own, but our time together was absolutely precious to me. So many stories shared… so many questions answered… and still so much more I want to share with her. I really wish Bruce could have been there… I am sure she wished the same. Yet, the two of us will always have a connection because of him, and I will treasure that for as along as life allows.

The best part of the whole week? Honestly, it was simply the continuous time spent with family… the people who knew and loved Bruce too… the people who miss him like I do… the people who don’t think I should be “over it” and who understand when I shed a tear here and there… the people who accept me as family, too.

I remember when Bruce died, I was terrified I would lose these wonderful people in my life. Everything I read at the time said to expect his family to gradually pull away until one day I would realize they were no longer there. However, that has never happened. Instead, here we are, almost 10 years later, and we are closer than ever. I am so blessed, and I love them to the moon and back… To my mind, they are another precious gift from the man who was my hero… the man who loved me… the man who gave me so many precious memories to lean on until I see him again.
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This journey isn’t easy… not that you need me to tell you that. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls… places we can go to and find comfort… moments where we learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of these good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories with you. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to each of you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Birthdays, Exhaustion, and Love

This week has definitely been filled to the brim with all kinds of love and fun. Not only was there Christmas to think about, it was also my birthday. It probably sounds odd, but since Bruce died, my birthday has held mixed emotions. I am happy to be alive and love spending time with my family. At the same time, the idea of celebrating without Bruce feels awful… There is a part of me that still feels disloyal to him and his memory whenever I get caught up in the joy of celebrating anything… much less my birthday.

My kids were getting a little bit stressed when they realized the date was quickly approaching and I had no idea what I wanted to do to celebrate. So, they ended up making an entire weekend out of it… I felt like a princess all weekend – doing all the things I love with people I love… And the best part, while I am absolutely exhausted, I never felt those normal guilt-ridden emotions I have felt in years past.

We started with a wonderful dinner at a “fine dining” establishment. The funniest part – it may have been a fancy restaurant, but I spotted our table immediately, because there were two huge balloons announcing my age to the world. While my kids grew up going to establishments such as this one since they were quite small, they have never been ones to get caught up in pretense. So, the whole thing struck me as completely hilarious! I’m not sure how the management felt about it, but they rolled with the punches and made it an evening to remember.

For me… I wish more than anything Bruce had been there too, and yet, with all of the love at that table, I would swear I could feel his smiling eyes, and hear his quiet voice saying, “This is good… Just enjoy the moment and be happy.”

The next day, we all got up early and headed out to the immersive Van Gogh experience downtown. It was beautiful, but I have to admit the laughter and family time together was the best part of the day. Afterwards, we found a restaurant by the water and enjoyed a lunch filled with wine and great stories. And while the art museum would not have been Bruce’s thing, he would have muddled through for my sake, and enjoyed the water-front restaurant as much (if not more) than the rest of us.

The best part of the day, though, has always been one of my favorite things to do… riding around looking at Christmas lights. My daughter found one of those miles long displays that offers their own radio station, hot cocoa, and lots of picture opps along the way. I wish Bruce could have been there, but throughout the ride, I found myself remembering our first Christmas together. Bruce was so excited when he found one of those light displays and couldn’t wait to take me. It probably sounds crazy, but that night just seemed to meld into this one – beautiful and fun!

Then, last night was a night we have waited three years for… You see, Bruce and I used to always go see Jimmy Buffet in concert every year. It was always such a blast, and one of those things I didn’t think I would ever do again after he died. But in 2019, my daughter bought us tickets to go (for my birthday). However, the concert got delayed a year due to JB’s medical issues. Then, last year it was delayed again due to Covid. (We were beginning to wonder if we were ever going to get there.) But last night, there we were in all of our parrot-head attire finally enjoying a fun, music-filled night. I will say, last night it really did feel like he was there beside me – dancing and humming along.

So today, I am exhausted. It was an absolutely, fabulous weekend. One I thought I was fine to ignore, but instead I learned a great lesson… I learned that I can have fun… I can laugh and dance and all those things that used to be such a huge part of my life… and I’m pretty sure, Bruce approved… I am pretty sure he was watching… and smiling… (At least it felt like he was, and that’s really all that matters.)

This grief journey is not an easy path for any of us… and this time of year, it can be just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to on this path, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined – especially during the holidays. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since he passed. These next few weeks will definitely hold many challenges for all of us.

Thankfully, we are not alone… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… The Struggle is Real

Well, Thanksgiving is over, and it is officially the “Christmas Season.” That phrase fills me with both excitement and dread… This is when the inner struggle between celebration and grief reawakened becomes in-your-face real.

For example, I started playing Christmas music this week. “Alexa, play Christmas music” has probably been the most used command in my house. The music starts, I start humming, and the next thing I know, the tears are filling my eyes and sliding down my cheeks. The idea that I will spend another Christmas with him… Without his smile or hugs… is overwhelmingly sad.

That thought then takes me down another road… The idea that Bruce is no longer able to be a part of this season… He will never again cut down a Christmas tree or place the angel on the top… He won’t hear the music or be a part of our families’ celebrations… That is even more sad.

Now, throw in one more thing… The fact that I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s holidays with my melancholy. So… I smile and pretend that everything is fine. And, if by chance, the subject comes up or someone happens to be near when I have having “a moment”, many times we will struggle through a few moments of awkwardness until we figure out how to handle it. Some people just give me my moment – maybe offering a hug or just sitting with me in silence for a moment or two while I pull it back together.

However, there are also those who just can’t help themselves. They are either too uncomfortable with the grief in that moment, or they believe I have it all wrong. I understand being uncomfortable. I’m not insulted or upset… It is uncomfortable… It is awkward. Trust me. I know… I’m in the middle of it.

However, those who believe they need to fix me or my thinking, frustrate the tar out of me… Logic or Sunday School answers aren’t helpful. They are great at adding more guilt and resentment, but I don’t really think that is the goal. So, then I am left with two choices. 1 – Explain why this thing they are saying isn’t helpful, or 2 – Smile and thank them. Which way I decide completely depends on how well I know them or how many “helpful” phrases I have heard before this one. (Either way, it isn’t a great conversation.)

Here is the bottom line… I not unhappy. Honestly, I’m not. I’m just not always able to be happy.

I want to celebrate.

I want to sing.

I want to laugh.

I want to spend time with family and friends enjoying the holiday and all it entails.

Yet, every time I sing or smile or laugh, it feels like I have forgotten him, if even for just a moment. And I don’t want to do that… I don’t want to forget him… ever… So, this year, I plan to enjoy as much time with loved ones as possible…. I also plan to play his favorite Christmas albums, hang his stocking next to mine, and remember… And if the tears fall… well… I guess, that’s okay too.

This grief journey is not an easy path for any of us… and this time of year, it is just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined – especially during the holidays. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since he passed. These next few weeks will definitely held many challenges.

Thankfully, we are not alone… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Handling the Holidays

This is the season when we are all supposed to focus on the blessings in our lives, right? It is a season to be thankful for all the wonderful blessings. Yet, at this time of year, I somehow always find myself struggling. I want to be thankful… In fact, I am thankful. However, I seem to always find myself caught between opposing emotions. I am torn between missing Bruce and not wanting to celebrate the holidays without him (again) and wanting to completely submerge myself into celebrating the holidays with my loved ones and turn my back on the memories of the past… Memories that I wish more than anything were still real.

I remember when this whole journey began… I couldn’t see the blessings… All I could focus on was the fact that Bruce was gone. I really struggled with trying to understand why I was still here, and Bruce wasn’t. I loved him so much. How was I supposed to go on without him? What was the purpose? Did I even have a reason to still be here? Honestly, while I didn’t want to be here, I knew there had to be a reason, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was taking everything I had just to survive that first year… how could God expect anything more of me? How in the world could I find anything to be thankful for?

That first year, I pretty much just ignored the holidays. I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t celebrate anything. Then, in the following years, I found myself celebrating a little bit more each year… Learning to look past what isn’t and trying to focus on what is. It hasn’t been easy, but the love of my family has made it possible. However, I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that there is still a part of me that wants to just sit down and cry when I look and see an empty chair beside me… Where is he? Why isn’t he here with us? It doesn’t matter whose table I am sitting at, or how much laughter and love are surrounding me, that sight seems to always break my heart.

This year, though, I found myself going back to read a letter my father sent last year… A year when we all had to stay apart. This year we will all be together (thankfully). Yet, his words are still a good reminder for me…

“I was just thinking earlier of Thanksgivings and Christmases past and hoping that your day will be one like those: overflowing with warmth and happy pandemonium, wrapped in family and in the love of family, and conscious of all that you (and we) have been given. Amid all the things we allow to bother us, there’s much to be thankful for, isn’t there? Much more of blessings than of burdens; much more of hope than of discouragement; much more of love than of whatever exists in the absence of love. (I honestly don’t know what that would be; I’ve only known love.) Look around you at the faces you love. You’re looking at an inventory of unspeakable blessing; take the opportunity and let it fill your heart, and then you’ll be ready to give thanks to the Source of all that blessing.”

I will be mulling over these words over the next few weeks, holding them close to my heart and letting them soak in… basking in the love and courage they express… Building my own strength, by listening to his words of faith as a reminder of all the blessings – past and present – that make up my life.

Our God truly is a good God… And I known I have been blessed. So, I thank you, God, for not only giving me a season to be thankful, but for the faith of those I love who remind me of all the many blessings I have to be thankful for!

This can be a tough season when you are experiencing deep grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. This can make it hard to celebrate and even harder to be thankful. Yet, it is in remembering and finding those blessings that we are able to celebrate at all. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What changes have you had to navigate on this journey? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you and each other.

It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and that we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… And Just Like That, It’s Halloween Again

I can’t believe it is already Halloween… again! My goodness! Where does the time go? Throughout my life – while growing up, when my children were little, and while Bruce was alive, Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. However, the season always seemed to start WAY before December… In a way, Halloween has always marked the beginning of an entire season of fun – A time filled with holidays and big events with Christmas being the climax.

To this day, I am so very thankful for the last holiday season that Bruce and I shared. The memories from that year are so very precious now. Although at the time, it just seemed like another holiday season. With Halloween falling this weekend, I am reminded again, just how precious our time with our loved ones really is…

Until Bruce died, I never really thought of Halloween as a holiday with special memories, but I was wrong… As I look back, over the years I can find so many small things that still make me smile….

For example, when we lived in Michigan, there were no Trick or Treaters. We lived in a second-floor condo which required a code for entrance. There were no children in the building except my (then) teenage daughter and no way for anyone to enter. So, no one knocked on our door yelling, “Trick or Treat.” We didn’t buy candy, and other than the shenanigans at work, it was just another day.

Then when we moved to Florida, we decided to live in an apartment for the first year until we got our bearings. With the exception of my (then) toddler grandson dressed as a pirate and one group of teenagers (who knocked on our door at 10 PM) no one came. Again, other than the shenanigans at work, it was pretty much just another day.

Then, we moved to the house where I live now…

I knew there were a lot of children in the neighborhood, so I bought three of those huge bags of candy and tried to prep Bruce for what was probably coming. For him, it had been well over a decade since he had answered a door on Halloween to pass out candy. At the time, though, all he heard was “candy.” As soon as he realized I had hidden it somewhere in the house, it was “game on”… He went on a hunt despite my saying that it was for Halloween – not him.

I will always remember the Cheshire Cat grin on his face as he walked back into the kitchen with a handful of chocolate. He had found the entire stash in the third place he looked. I couldn’t figure out how in the world he had found it so flippin’ fast! According to him, the fact that I am so short narrowed the hiding places down by more than half. Then, he just thought of where there might be enough space for three huge bags… All I can tell you is that by Halloween, I had to replace more than one of those silly bags.

On Halloween, he grouched every time the doorbell rang, and I laughed and poked fun at him for being a crabby, old man… The next year, our last Halloween together, was different, though. He was actually excited about the night and loved answering the door. I stood back and watched him as he talked to all the kids (even the teenagers). He even found a mask he had bought years before and tried to scare a few poor souls. It was such a fun night, and we both fell into bed laughing at the end of it.

Now looking back, I don’t know if he was just trying to enjoy Halloween or if he knew what was coming and wanted to leave me with some fun memories… Either way, that night warms my heart.

The next year was my first year without Bruce quickly, and the day became a challenge that I wasn’t expecting. To my mind, Halloween is a kid’s holiday. It really isn’t about adults or family memories… And to be honest, we had only had one really fun Halloween together. However, that first year showed me that Halloween would come to mark the start of what is generally a few rough months for me emotionally…

Journal: 10/31/2013
(morning)
“The first of the holidays – this one always feels like the “kick-off” for the holiday season. I don’t really feel like celebrating but I did buy candy. I woke up this morning, and I just feel pissed. I don’t think this will be a good day… not really looking forward to it – don’t really feel like festivities or anything like it.“

(night)
“Halloween without you, Babe! Too hard!! I miss you!! I keep thinking about you answering the door last year and all the fun. This year is hard, though. I am listening to Jimmy Buffet and wishing you were here… Six kids so far and I am crying. Maybe I should just turn out the light and call it a night.
So sad… just so very sad… What is – is. Nothing I do will ever change it. I feel like I shouldn’t be here, but I am… maybe one day I will understand why I am still here.”

Then, years later, I spent Halloween with my daughter and grandson.

Journal: 11/1/2015
“Hi Babe… This weekend was really good for me. I couldn’t be with you, but I was with people I love. I’m sure you would guess that we stayed very busy. You would have loved watching our grandson… he is more excited about his costume and handing out the candy, than actually going door to door to get any (which just cracks me up.) Afterward, there was an impromptu party back at the house. It was wonderful chaos – the house was filled with very tired but laughing adults and kids too excited to settle down.
Saturday included an Octoberfest at their school/church. You would have loved it – German food and beer. I only teared up once… when the kids performed their Fall music program. I know you were there… I know you were watching… but I still wish I could have seen your face. You and your little “Beaudroux” had such a close connection, I know you would have been beaming with pride.
The night ended with a dinner party at a friend’s house. It was fun, and they made me feel so welcome. I can’t say I like it, but I am getting (more) used to going to parties without you by my side…
It wasn’t until the wee, dark hours of the night when I was actually alone with my thoughts that the tears fell. My emotions were a little bit of melancholy, sadness, loneliness and (believe it or not)… guilt. I miss you, Babe. I still managed to have fun but then I feel guilty about that. Crazy, I know, but that is what I felt. I wonder if that is normal?“

Through the years, I have gotten stronger. While these next few months are still difficult ones for me, I have definitely gotten better at taking it one day… one moment at a time. I am better at enjoying the time with friends and family and cherishing the memories we are making together. I have also learned to give myself some grace… I have learned that it’s okay to feel what I feel… It’s okay to grieve the fact that my heart is broken because Bruce isn’t here to share any part of this anymore.

How we handle the big days can vary year to year, moment to moment. Sometimes we manage these better than other times… We’re only human, and this is a tough journey. What about you? How do you manage your big days? This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all. Honestly, none of us ever know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, (one holiday to the next), when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger, and that can make this journey feel so completely baffling and hard to navigate.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone. We are here for each other and, it is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Just One More Time

Bruce’s birthday is coming up in just a few days. It’s really hard to believe I’ll be celebrating his birthday again without him. It was always such a big deal when he was alive. With the exception of one or two years, we always spent the week of his birthday with his folks on the Alabama coast. It was always such a fun week – days spent in the sun on the beach, dinners when his mom cooked all his favorite foods, and nights spent with his folks playing games or just telling stories and laughing.

I love those memories… I miss those days…

Before the pandemic, I would usually travel to some beach somewhere to celebrate… and remember. Then last year, the world shut down, and I couldn’t even make it out to our beach right here at home. This year, I didn’t even try to travel with everything (still) going on. However, I do plan to spend the day on the beach… sitting, writing, thinking, remembering… and (hopefully) relaxing.

Bruce’s birthday was always a week of relaxation for both of us… We looked forward to it for months! Life lately has been so busy. Sometimes it feels like every single second is already planned with the all the things that must be done now. So, the idea of taking even a day for Bruce and I most makes me feel like I should say, “Thank you, Babe, for still making sure I just relax every now and then,”

Between the busy-ness and his upcoming birthday, my mind has been all ever the place the past few days. So, I’m sure even this blog is going to be all over the place… with one thought leading to another.

For instance, once of Bruce’s sisters has a birthday just a few days earlier. This year a photo montage was put together for her, and I was asked to supply some pictures of her and Bruce. This turned into a wonderful amount of time spent pouring over photo albums of Bruce’s life from birth until our time together. The thing is Bruce wasn’t a fan of having his picture taken. So, to go through all those photos just makes me smile. I love seeing the moments in time – recognizing his mannerisms and facial expressions that which (evidently) were always a part of who Bruce was. These pieces of him, I know I will never forget because I am blessed with a permanent record to revisit at any time.

From there, I found myself wanting more, such as videos. However, those are harder to come by. I only have two videos of Bruce. (Again, he wasn’t a fan.) In one, he is playing with one of the cats, but he never says a word. I love watching it, though… I love watching the way he moves… and remembering. In the other video, he is playing with our grandson. It is a great video! We are all laughing, and the interaction between the two of them is adorable. In it, Bruce says one word… He laughs as our grandson tries to shoot M&Ms into Bruce’s mouth and says, “Almost!” That’s it… That is the only word I have.

When he died years ago, I had several voice messages that I used to play over and over, I loved hearing his voice… I especially loved the one where he said, “I just wanted to say ‘I love you, Babe.” However, I lost those years ago. I got a new phone about the same time the company changed the Voice Mail app, deleting all saved voice mails… including Bruce’s.

I hate that… I am so afraid of forgetting his voice… The inflections and cadence that was his… The sound I grew to love… The sound that filled my heart and calmed my soul… I would give anything to hear his voice just one more time… But for today – for this week – I will have to be content with the sound of his laughter and one simple “Almost!”… And some quiet time on our beach… and that’s okay.

This grief journey has been one of the most difficult experiences I have ever had. It has broken me down to the roots of my soul and has taken me years to feel some semblance of “normal.” Celebrating his birthday this week will bring its own challenges, I know. I will have to really push myself to stay out of the rabbit hole. I also know it is easy to feel like this journey is nothing more than a very lonely path, especially since it is so different for each of us. Yet, our love for those we have lost is something we all share. I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Celebrating Our Anniversary

This week held our anniversary. Rather than writing something new, I think the best words to describe how I feel are the ones I wrote to Bruce…

Hi Babe!

Happy Anniversary! Fourteen years… Wow! Today marks the date when I have celebrated just as many anniversaries alone as we did together… That feels really strange… I can’t even wrap my head around it.

Yesterday I woke up crying and had to fight the tears all day. Everything seemed to remind me of you, and the idea of celebrating alone… again… was just too much for this heart to bear. Plus, the weather has matched my mood – dark clouds and overcast all day yesterday and rain all night. This morning there has been a lot of dark clouds and drizzle with small breaks of sunshine… just like the way I am feeling – sad and crying, yet, so joyful to have experienced our love and wanting to celebrate that.

I went for a walk on the beach where your ashes were scattered, just to talk to you for a while. (Now, I am just sitting out here writing to you.) Sometimes it feels like you are right here beside me… I would swear I can hear you and almost feel your touch. But then, I look around, and I am all alone. Today, there is absolutely no one else out here… Just you and I. I suppose it is because of the weather, but it’s nice to be just the two of us.

The ocean is so wild today. There are so many waves, and they are crashing in on themselves in a fury… Maybe that is just a little bit of what I am feeling too.

I keep thinking of so many memories of us here on this beach… So many Sundays spent holding hands and watching the waves for hours. There was a magic here for us, that still lingers… I miss that… I miss you!

Sometimes I wonder if this “missing you” will ever stop. I wonder if my life will ever feel whole again. Or if I will always feel like the rudder is missing, and I am just drifting.

I truly can’t believe it’s been fourteen years since we were married. I’ll always remember that day… How nervous we both were to be doing this marriage thing again – something we had both sworn we would never do again. I remember the night before… I was terrified! I kept thinking about my first marriage – all the chaos and abuse… and how I had lost myself somewhere in the struggle to keep peace and just survive. The idea that it could happen again was terrifying!

I remember you holding me close and telling me we didn’t to get married… We could just be together… You told me that you loved me and that was that. We didn’t need a piece of paper or anyone else’s approval for that. Looking back, I think that was all I needed to hear – a reassurance that it was a choice, and you would always love me… either way.

I remember every moment of the next day. Going to the town where you grew up to eat lunch, buying our wedding champagne flutes to toast our big day, setting up for a mini-reception at the condo, getting dressed, going to the courthouse waiting what felt like forever for our turn with the judge, your Dad joking with us and trying to ease our nerves, our families being there to support us, and… the actual ceremony.

I remember holding your hands and looking into your eyes the entire time. (It was as if no one else were even there… Just the two of us in that moment.) You held my gaze and filled my heart with peace knowing this was right… That feeling has never left me.

Marrying you was the best decision I ever made, and I will celebrate this day for the rest of my life!

I love you, Babe – Always and Forever!
Me

What about you? How do you handle those special days of the year? Do you celebrate? Do you cry? Do you have mixed emotions? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts? Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Some things still hurt…

I have put off writing this week until the last minute… Mainly because every time I start thinking about what to write, I can feel the tears start in the back of my eyes. And to be honest, I don’t want to cry. Things in my life aren’t just good, they are pretty great!

In just a few short weeks, three of my four kids will be living within two hours, something I never thought would happen in this lifetime. Also, my grandson will be with us for Thanksgiving this year. So, we are planning a family gathering with as many of us as can drive this far. In other words, God is good, and I know I am blessed beyond understanding!!

Since this will be our family’s only holiday gathering, we are setting up all the Christmas decorations. (Yes, it is crazy early, but Thanksgiving will also be our Christmas, so this is what we do.) Yesterday, I unpacked several (about six) bins of Christmas decorations (with Christmas music playing, of course). Today, I will unload about the same again, and my grandson is filled with excitement writing and talking about his Christmas Wish List.

… But me? I’m just not feeling it… All I keep thinking about is another holiday season without Bruce…

Throughout my life I have joked about things I “wouldn’t wish on anyone.” For instance, when my second daughter suffered from colic as an infant, or when my son went through his “let-me-take-everything-I-touch-apart” phase. I knew these were phases… I knew there would be an end… In the moment, they were difficult, and it was hard to remember there would be a light at the end of the tunnel.

However, grief is one of those things I really wouldn’t wish on anyone… Not only is it difficult, there is no light at the end of the tunnel… Your loved one is not coming back… This is not “just a phase.” Instead, there is just the tunnel, and sometimes the darkness in that tunnel is all-enveloping… And the holidays can bring it out, when you least expect it.

Last year, I had just finished all my cancer treatments, and I was so tired and relieved to be done. I was excited to be alive and celebrating another holiday with my family. I had my moments of sadness, but nothing close to what I have felt this weekend.

Before Bruce died, the days from October 31 through January 12 were my favorites and filled with celebrations. Now, however, they have proven to be the hardest days of the year for me. During this time, there are a lot of important dates filled with so many precious memories.

It is a season where time moves forward whether I am ready or not… As time moves on, I go from one holiday or momentous occasion to another… Some days, it feels I am being knocked to the ground and before I can get back on my feet, I am knocked down again.

It starts with Halloween, when years ago, Bruce insisted on buying our grandson his first pumpkin. He also got the biggest kick out of answering the door – playing with the young ones and trying to scare the older ones. Following that comes our wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, the anniversary of the day we met, Christmas, New Year’s Eve/day and the anniversary of Bruce’s death – all in close succession.

I know to brace myself, because before I can catch my breath from one event, the next one is upon me. If I am honest, all I really want to do is crawl in bed, pull the covers over my head and wait for the next 2.5 months to pass… but I don’t have that option.

Not only does life move on, but there are other people in my life and in this house… and these are their holidays too. Plus, one of those people is a child. I do not want him to ever associate this time of year with tears or sadness… I want him to remember this as a time for making precious memories… a time of family… and love… and laughter.

Over time, I have learned to take a deep breath, draw on my strength (my God), and try to avoid bringing on those uncontrollable tears. Don’t get me wrong, I do allow myself the time to cry, but I try to hold that for when I am alone. It has taken years to get to this point, which I guess, is why I am so frustrated with myself this weekend.

This week I came home from my surgery/healing and went back to work. However, it was also the start of “the season.” I not only managed to get through Halloween on Thursday, it was actually a lot of fun. But I think my issue this weekend is our anniversary facing me next weekend… It probably sounds silly, but it is a day I thought we would celebrate together for many years to come…

Don’t get me wrong, my family is wonderful and will celebrate the day with me. However, I guess it is just hard to let go of still wanting it to be Bruce and I. Plus, I think I wasn’t quite as prepared as I thought I was to throw the Christmas season into the mix… I think I have just felt a little overwhelmed.

Perhaps it sounds silly, but until you are on this path (a path I wouldn’t wish for anyone), it is hard to imagine how hard it is to find your soulmate and then to lose them without any warning. Then, once you are here, it is hard to imagine celebrating without this person by your side (where you are sure they belong).

I know it has been years… I know those around me love me and support me at every turn… And while I try to keep the grief under wraps, it’s not as easy as one might think… I’ve gotten better through the years, but the bottom line is – I still love him… I miss him… and I still hurt…

Yet… I look into the eyes of this little boy in the next room, and I am reminded there is still a lot to celebrate this year… And there is a lot of love left in this heart of mine to give away…

What about you? Do you struggle with certain times of the year? How do you deal with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… A Wedding… And He Was There

This weekend was a celebration… My youngest daughter got married! It was amazing to watch the her and her husband laugh and play throughout the entire day. It was a day which truly reflected each of them as individuals and who they are as a couple.

However, there were also some bittersweet moments, as well.

Years ago, when Bruce and I got married, it was the most wonderful day… It was a small, simple ceremony at the courthouse, with only a few family members present. In fact, because of timing and distance, my youngest daughter was the person from my family who was able to attend. I can’t say she was a willing, or enthusiastic, witness. (Now, we laugh about that.) However, in her defense, she had just been moved to a whole new state – away from her siblings – so her mother could marry a man she barely knew, while she was in the middle of high school.

The first few months were hard… She was very angry with Bruce and I. She didn’t want to be there… In fact, she didn’t want to be anywhere near either of us. However, the tide did turn (and it was sooner than I had expected). By the six-month mark, she was baking him cookies and referring to him as her “dad.”

Their relationship grew through the years as he filled a void in her life and became the loving father she didn’t have. Many nights I would come home to find him helping her with homework or giving hugs after a rough day. Many winter evenings were filled with the two of them having an indoor snowball fight (in winter) or a water war (in summer). He taught her how to snowboard and attended all of her concerts, dance competitions and theater productions. She relied on him for advice, such as which first apartment would be best or what next step to take in her life… And he was always there for her… Always.

Like many girls, she used to dream about what her wedding would be like when she got married. For example, she always wanted a beach wedding. As she got older, and their relationship got stronger, she would to tell Bruce that when she got married, she wanted him to walk her down the aisle. He would always get this huge grin on his face and tease her about wearing a bathing suit on the bottom and a tuxedo on the top. But in all honesty, he also talked about how much it meant to him… He was so honored that she would ask him to fill this spot on such an important day in her life.

But time was not on his side, and as you already know, he died before he could keep that promise.

So, as she began to plan this wedding, she had to make some different choices. She and her brother have always been close. In fact, he was the one to take her to her Father/Daughter dances when she was younger. So, she knew he was the one she wanted to walk her down the aisle.

However, she still wanted to include Bruce. Also, the groom has lost his father and brother in recent years and wanted to include them, as well. So, they placed a memorial table prominently in the reception hall with all of their pictures and a sign that read, “Forever in our hearts.” It was a beautiful way to include them on such a special day.

That seems like it would be the end of the story, but it really isn’t…

You see, throughout the years since Bruce died, pelicans have come to symbolize Bruce’s presence for me. Knowing they are considered a symbol of great love and sacrifice, every time I see them, I think of him… and I smile. In fact, each year on our anniversary, when I go out to the beach to toast the day with him, it never fails – there is always a flock of pelicans flying by with the exact number to match the year. (For example, there were ten pelicans on our tenth anniversary.)

Well, this celebration was no different… Each time she was out at the beach making preparations, a pelican flew by as if to say, “Yes, I am here.” Then on Friday, as she and her new husband were walking back down the aisle, she looked up and there it was… One lone pelican flying by… In her heart and in mine, that was a sign from Bruce… A sign that he really was there… And he wouldn’t have missed it for the world!

What about you? Have you ever felt the presence of your loved one? Is there a certain animal or thing that when you see it, you just know they are there with you? I know this journey can be hard, but I also believe there are blessings along the way, if we are open to seeing them. I also believe we are in this together and would love to hear your stories. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.