How do I find my joy in this when you were my joy?
I am sinking on my own.
I know I need to find some peace in this,
But all I want to find is you.
How do I reconcile what I know with what I feel?
I can’t…
Instead, I smile, like a good girl,
Finding neither joy… nor peace… Not you.
~ Linda, Oct 2013
All of us have known struggles – some harder than others. Some requiring more from us and others resolving on their own. Grief, depending on what you are grieving, can fall in either category. However, when referring to the loss of a loved one, grief is one of those struggles that can be overwhelming and requires a lot from you. It has many facets and even more emotions that can leave you exhausted as you seemingly bounce from one to the next.
In other words, grief is not for the faint of heart… The end…
Just kidding…
If you have ever grieved, you would likely agree, because there is nothing truer. At the same time, because each of us is different, I think there is probably more to say, especially this time of year.
Grief, from day one, has been one of the hardest challenges I have ever encountered. It is probably the most overwhelming plethora of emotions I have ever felt. For me, grief has created a brokenness that affects me physically, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally… There is no part or piece of me that has not been affected by the loss of Bruce.
Physically… There are times when my heart hurts… I mean literally, physically hurts… To be honest, even now, there are times when I can’t even breathe because the pain is so deep and so intense… It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and simply tossed aside… And there is no where to go to find any relief at all. Instead, I am left to smile at the world and pretend that all is well, but on the inside, I feel dead… I feel completely lost.
Emotionally… Grief isn’t just one emotion; it is a plethora of emotions… a jumbled mess of shock, disbelief, sadness, frustration, anger, abandonment. You name it, it’s there… just below the surface looking for a way out.
Spiritually… I was already struggling here when Bruce died. Immediately after he died, I lost any faith I may have had. I won’t lie… It has taken years for me to rebuild my faith… To make it something that is completely mine… something true… something that gives me hope, (which is something else I thought was completely gone).
Relationally… I am terrified… Terrified of losing another person I love. I am sure I will; that is the way the world is built. I am also very much aware that I avoid meeting new people because of this very thing. I think subconsciously, I do it out of self-protection… just to lower the odds of losing another person I love. I don’t believe I could survive another loss like this one. In fact, I know I couldn’t. After all, even all these years later, the loss of Bruce can still bring me to my knees when I think about how much I love this man who is no longer in my world.
Now… add to all that to the holiday season… family gatherings, Christmas movies all about love found, the songs, the traditions… and, of course, the memories. But no matter how much I wish it, or how much I beg to wake up from this awful nightmare, this is my reality. This is where I am.
And this… all of it, hurts. It’s hard… It’s too hard. Sometimes it feels like the world expects too much. I hate it, and I still don’t understand why it had to be this way.
Over the years, I have written about how hard this time of year is (because it is). I have also learned that the best way for me to get through it is to stay busy with other people, especially family. It isn’t just the distraction of being busy (although that is a huge part), there is also the love I feel when I am with my family. I know that probably sounds dysfunctional – too dependent on others. At the same time, I also know that we are creatures of relationships, and my family is full of strong, dependable relationships filled with love. So, when the times get tough (like now), I lean heavily on those. I draw strength from them to get me from one day to the next.
Yet, because it is the holidays and everyone else is filled with joy… and happiness… and excitement… and all the things, I must temper my grief. To function, there are many times when I find myself shoving all that grief down deep inside – pretending everything is okay, while in truth, without my family, I would be completely lost.
This weekend has been one of those “harder than normal” weekends. Somehow, despite trying to do otherwise, I have found myself here alone. Plans made had to be cancelled, which is okay – I get it… Things happen – things change. Plus, I have 1000 things I need to do to prepare for Thanksgiving in a few short days. It is the being alone, though, that makes it hard. It is looking around and remembering the holidays we shared here. It is walking through the stores and watching couples as they discuss and plan how to navigate the holidays. It is making recipes that were Bruce’s favorites or simply sitting here in the candlelight thinking about us.
There is no quitting. There is no forgetting. Instead, there is a constant ache… and an emptiness that can’t be filled. To survive, there is only taking one breath at a time… one step at a time. Praying that somehow, God could pull me onto his lap and hold me tight, rocking and comforting me like a small child.
That is a small glimpse of what I mean when I say grief is hard… That is what I mean when I say that grief is not for the faint of heart.
______________
All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead. We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.
Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!
In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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