grief is hard – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Grief

Did you know that there are different types of grief? Seriously, there are! According to the internet, they are Normal grief, Anticipatory grief, Complicated grief, Sudden loss grief, Disenfranchised grief, Secondary grief, and Anniversary grief.

How crazy does that sound? It sounds ridiculous to me… grief is grief. In my opinion, when we start categorizing grief, that means we are comparing grief… And when we compare grief, we are judging it… We are deciding, which is worse? Which is harder? Which is more valid?

That is ridiculous… Just stop!

Sure, there are different triggers or ways that grief enters and presents itself, but the bottom line is – it is all grief. It all hurts. All of it is challenging.

So, let’s start at the end of the list and work our way forward…

Anniversary grief. This is referring to the anniversaries that we hold dear in relation to the person we lost. This includes the grief we feel as the day approaches, as well as the grief on “the day”. And there is the grief that lingers after. This isn’t just the first year. It is every year. It is still grief… Still hard.

Then there is Secondary grief. This is referring to the side losses… the other relationships in our life that are now changed due to that loss. For some that may be readjusting, or (for example) it could be the relationship with your in-laws. In other words, it is about how this loss affects your other relationships. These changes tend to be more gradual – changing over time… However, it is still grief (although with another relationship) … Still hard.

Next comes Disenfranchised grief. This is referring to a death where society may not understand the relationship, such as a pet or someone who has been ill for a long time. Usually this means grieving alone and without support. This sounds terrible to me… and… It is still grief… Still hard.

Then there is Sudden Loss. This is about a loss that is completely unexpected. More often than not, this involves some type of trauma. There is shock surrounding the entire event – a struggle to understand and/or accept the loss. While I believe this has been my experience, it is still grief… Still hard.

Complicated grief is next. This is grief that is intense and ongoing. This grief may make simple daily tasks seem impossible and may require therapy. Also keep in mind that grief does not have a timeline. Everyone is different, so give yourself grace to heal. Still… this is grief… And VERY hard to work through.

Anticipatory grief is next. This occurs before the actual loss. In other words, it is the grieving that starts when someone we love is facing death. In these situations, the grieving process is long since it starts before the loss occurs and continues after they are gone. The person left behind grieves twice. I have not been through this, but people I love have (or are currently experiencing this) and… It is grief… It is hard.

Finally, there is Normal grief… What?? Normal?? Grief is not normal. It is awful! References say this is “the typical reaction a person has to loss”. Please tell me which two people have experienced grief the same… No one! Grief is as individual as each of us. The references say that with normal grief, the emotions are high at first, then the person goes “back to their everyday normal life”. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard! Your life will never be the same. Granted, it will go on. It will be what you make of it… But it will not “go back” to “everyday normal” life. This is still grief… It is still hard.

Sometimes I think the people who write this stuff are too far removed from the whole experience to truly understand what they are saying. At the same time, I get it. As humans, we want to put things into nice, neat categories that we can understand. However, grief is so individual that it cannot be placed into nice, neat boxes and categorized. That is why it is such a challenge.

So, let’s just be honest enough to say that grief is grief, and it is hard (period).
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief – On Being Sad

Note: I apologize for missing last week. It was my son’s birthday weekend, and our family celebrated him all weekend… Life is too precious to do anything less. : )

I am actually not sad today… I am missing Bruce, (that is an everyday occurrence), but I’m not sad. However, even now, there are still days when I am sad – overwhelmingly sad, sometimes. So, when I read a meme on grief today, the truth in its words hit me hard and reminded me of how many times I have heard someone say, “Bruce wouldn’t want you to be sad.”

I hate that line. It feels so manipulative… so dismissive…

Of course, he wouldn’t want me to be sad. I don’t want to be sad either. Shoot! If the tables were turned, I believe he would be sad. I wouldn’t want that, but I completely understand it, just as I believe he understands my sadness, too.

Bruce was never one to tell me how to feel or what to think. Instead, he was one to listen… to offer compassion… and to let me take whatever time I needed to work through whatever I was feeling – no timeline, no pressure – just love… always love.

So, if we really think about that piece of advice, it isn’t helpful at all. Ignoring feelings… pushing them down… that isn’t how we heal.

Grief is hard. Grief is ugly. Grief looks different on each person who experiences it. Unless we do the hard, ugly work of grieving, it will not get any better. Also, even when we work on it, I don’t think grief is ever completely gone. It has a way of appearing when we least expect it – in varying degrees of intensity, called waves. We can be fine in the morning and bawling our eyes out by lunch.

It is the nature of the beast, and grief is a cruel beast… and also my (now) constant companion.

However, that doesn’t mean I have given up. I work at it, and I keep moving forward. Each day, another baby step… time spent with those I love… time spent laughing… time spent in contemplation… time spent creating new memories… and time spent finding new dreams for the future.

In other words, life still goes on. Sure, I spend time reflecting on the past, but these days, I am a lot more careful not to get stuck there. Now that I truly know exactly how precious this life is, I don’t want to waste a moment of it. I work hard to recapture the thrill I always felt when I was with Bruce… Only now, I have to find that same love of life without him. It’s hard. Somedays I am more successful than others – and that’s okay.

Even when Bruce was here, I wasn’t happy 24/7… Neither was he… No one is. We all get tossed around and experience life’s bumps and bruises… and we all have to work through the emotions that go with all of that. For each of us, that will look different. Telling each other how to feel or not feel isn’t helpful… And adding the phrase that “So-and-so wouldn’t want you to feel that way” isn’t fair. It isn’t right.

If you are sad, feel sad. Whether you are new to grief or whether you have been on this journey for a while doesn’t matter. How you care for yourself is what matters. Give yourself the space to feel what you feel. Work on not being stuck there, but also realize there isn’t a timeline to tell you when to stop. I know this isn’t as simple as it may sound. It takes time to figure out what will work for you. However, never forget that you are worth the investment… We all are.

Sure, our loved ones wouldn’t want us to be sad. Of course not! However, they also wouldn’t want us to ignore our grief and never process it. So… if happy is what you feel in this moment, enjoy that – drink in every precious moment of it… Or, if sad is what you feel in this moment, that is okay too – feel it deep in your bones while allowing your soul to understand and work through it… and never let someone else guilt you into pushing that aside; that is their stuff to work through – not yours or mine.

“Being sad is an acceptable response to death. Because really what they would want is what I want. They’d want to be here. To be laughing. To be creating new memories. Reflecting on the past. But dreaming of the future.” ~ @Glitterandgrief
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Grief is Not for the Faint of Heart

How do I find my joy in this when you were my joy?
I am sinking on my own.
I know I need to find some peace in this,
But all I want to find is you.
How do I reconcile what I know with what I feel?
I can’t…
Instead, I smile, like a good girl,
Finding neither joy… nor peace… Not you.
~ Linda, Oct 2013

All of us have known struggles – some harder than others. Some requiring more from us and others resolving on their own. Grief, depending on what you are grieving, can fall in either category. However, when referring to the loss of a loved one, grief is one of those struggles that can be overwhelming and requires a lot from you. It has many facets and even more emotions that can leave you exhausted as you seemingly bounce from one to the next.

In other words, grief is not for the faint of heart… The end…

Just kidding…

If you have ever grieved, you would likely agree, because there is nothing truer. At the same time, because each of us is different, I think there is probably more to say, especially this time of year.

Grief, from day one, has been one of the hardest challenges I have ever encountered. It is probably the most overwhelming plethora of emotions I have ever felt. For me, grief has created a brokenness that affects me physically, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally… There is no part or piece of me that has not been affected by the loss of Bruce.

Physically… There are times when my heart hurts… I mean literally, physically hurts… To be honest, even now, there are times when I can’t even breathe because the pain is so deep and so intense… It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and simply tossed aside… And there is no where to go to find any relief at all. Instead, I am left to smile at the world and pretend that all is well, but on the inside, I feel dead… I feel completely lost.

Emotionally… Grief isn’t just one emotion; it is a plethora of emotions… a jumbled mess of shock, disbelief, sadness, frustration, anger, abandonment. You name it, it’s there… just below the surface looking for a way out.

Spiritually… I was already struggling here when Bruce died. Immediately after he died, I lost any faith I may have had. I won’t lie… It has taken years for me to rebuild my faith… To make it something that is completely mine… something true… something that gives me hope, (which is something else I thought was completely gone).

Relationally… I am terrified… Terrified of losing another person I love. I am sure I will; that is the way the world is built. I am also very much aware that I avoid meeting new people because of this very thing. I think subconsciously, I do it out of self-protection… just to lower the odds of losing another person I love. I don’t believe I could survive another loss like this one. In fact, I know I couldn’t. After all, even all these years later, the loss of Bruce can still bring me to my knees when I think about how much I love this man who is no longer in my world.

Now… add to all that to the holiday season… family gatherings, Christmas movies all about love found, the songs, the traditions… and, of course, the memories. But no matter how much I wish it, or how much I beg to wake up from this awful nightmare, this is my reality. This is where I am.

And this… all of it, hurts. It’s hard… It’s too hard. Sometimes it feels like the world expects too much. I hate it, and I still don’t understand why it had to be this way.

Over the years, I have written about how hard this time of year is (because it is). I have also learned that the best way for me to get through it is to stay busy with other people, especially family. It isn’t just the distraction of being busy (although that is a huge part), there is also the love I feel when I am with my family. I know that probably sounds dysfunctional – too dependent on others. At the same time, I also know that we are creatures of relationships, and my family is full of strong, dependable relationships filled with love. So, when the times get tough (like now), I lean heavily on those. I draw strength from them to get me from one day to the next.

Yet, because it is the holidays and everyone else is filled with joy… and happiness… and excitement… and all the things, I must temper my grief. To function, there are many times when I find myself shoving all that grief down deep inside – pretending everything is okay, while in truth, without my family, I would be completely lost.

This weekend has been one of those “harder than normal” weekends. Somehow, despite trying to do otherwise, I have found myself here alone. Plans made had to be cancelled, which is okay – I get it… Things happen – things change. Plus, I have 1000 things I need to do to prepare for Thanksgiving in a few short days. It is the being alone, though, that makes it hard. It is looking around and remembering the holidays we shared here. It is walking through the stores and watching couples as they discuss and plan how to navigate the holidays. It is making recipes that were Bruce’s favorites or simply sitting here in the candlelight thinking about us.

There is no quitting. There is no forgetting. Instead, there is a constant ache… and an emptiness that can’t be filled. To survive, there is only taking one breath at a time… one step at a time. Praying that somehow, God could pull me onto his lap and hold me tight, rocking and comforting me like a small child.

That is a small glimpse of what I mean when I say grief is hard… That is what I mean when I say that grief is not for the faint of heart.
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead. We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.