Note: I apologize for missing last week. It was my son’s birthday weekend, and our family celebrated him all weekend… Life is too precious to do anything less. : )
I am actually not sad today… I am missing Bruce, (that is an everyday occurrence), but I’m not sad. However, even now, there are still days when I am sad – overwhelmingly sad, sometimes. So, when I read a meme on grief today, the truth in its words hit me hard and reminded me of how many times I have heard someone say, “Bruce wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
I hate that line. It feels so manipulative… so dismissive…
Of course, he wouldn’t want me to be sad. I don’t want to be sad either. Shoot! If the tables were turned, I believe he would be sad. I wouldn’t want that, but I completely understand it, just as I believe he understands my sadness, too.
Bruce was never one to tell me how to feel or what to think. Instead, he was one to listen… to offer compassion… and to let me take whatever time I needed to work through whatever I was feeling – no timeline, no pressure – just love… always love.
So, if we really think about that piece of advice, it isn’t helpful at all. Ignoring feelings… pushing them down… that isn’t how we heal.
Grief is hard. Grief is ugly. Grief looks different on each person who experiences it. Unless we do the hard, ugly work of grieving, it will not get any better. Also, even when we work on it, I don’t think grief is ever completely gone. It has a way of appearing when we least expect it – in varying degrees of intensity, called waves. We can be fine in the morning and bawling our eyes out by lunch.
It is the nature of the beast, and grief is a cruel beast… and also my (now) constant companion.
However, that doesn’t mean I have given up. I work at it, and I keep moving forward. Each day, another baby step… time spent with those I love… time spent laughing… time spent in contemplation… time spent creating new memories… and time spent finding new dreams for the future.
In other words, life still goes on. Sure, I spend time reflecting on the past, but these days, I am a lot more careful not to get stuck there. Now that I truly know exactly how precious this life is, I don’t want to waste a moment of it. I work hard to recapture the thrill I always felt when I was with Bruce… Only now, I have to find that same love of life without him. It’s hard. Somedays I am more successful than others – and that’s okay.
Even when Bruce was here, I wasn’t happy 24/7… Neither was he… No one is. We all get tossed around and experience life’s bumps and bruises… and we all have to work through the emotions that go with all of that. For each of us, that will look different. Telling each other how to feel or not feel isn’t helpful… And adding the phrase that “So-and-so wouldn’t want you to feel that way” isn’t fair. It isn’t right.
If you are sad, feel sad. Whether you are new to grief or whether you have been on this journey for a while doesn’t matter. How you care for yourself is what matters. Give yourself the space to feel what you feel. Work on not being stuck there, but also realize there isn’t a timeline to tell you when to stop. I know this isn’t as simple as it may sound. It takes time to figure out what will work for you. However, never forget that you are worth the investment… We all are.
Sure, our loved ones wouldn’t want us to be sad. Of course not! However, they also wouldn’t want us to ignore our grief and never process it. So… if happy is what you feel in this moment, enjoy that – drink in every precious moment of it… Or, if sad is what you feel in this moment, that is okay too – feel it deep in your bones while allowing your soul to understand and work through it… and never let someone else guilt you into pushing that aside; that is their stuff to work through – not yours or mine.
“Being sad is an acceptable response to death. Because really what they would want is what I want. They’d want to be here. To be laughing. To be creating new memories. Reflecting on the past. But dreaming of the future.” ~ @Glitterandgrief
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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