This week has definitely been filled to the brim with all kinds of love and fun. Not only was there Christmas to think about, it was also my birthday. It probably sounds odd, but since Bruce died, my birthday has held mixed emotions. I am happy to be alive and love spending time with my family. At the same time, the idea of celebrating without Bruce feels awful… There is a part of me that still feels disloyal to him and his memory whenever I get caught up in the joy of celebrating anything… much less my birthday.
My kids were getting a little bit stressed when they realized the date was quickly approaching and I had no idea what I wanted to do to celebrate. So, they ended up making an entire weekend out of it… I felt like a princess all weekend – doing all the things I love with people I love… And the best part, while I am absolutely exhausted, I never felt those normal guilt-ridden emotions I have felt in years past.
We started with a wonderful dinner at a “fine dining” establishment. The funniest part – it may have been a fancy restaurant, but I spotted our table immediately, because there were two huge balloons announcing my age to the world. While my kids grew up going to establishments such as this one since they were quite small, they have never been ones to get caught up in pretense. So, the whole thing struck me as completely hilarious! I’m not sure how the management felt about it, but they rolled with the punches and made it an evening to remember.
For me… I wish more than anything Bruce had been there too, and yet, with all of the love at that table, I would swear I could feel his smiling eyes, and hear his quiet voice saying, “This is good… Just enjoy the moment and be happy.”
The next day, we all got up early and headed out to the immersive Van Gogh experience downtown. It was beautiful, but I have to admit the laughter and family time together was the best part of the day. Afterwards, we found a restaurant by the water and enjoyed a lunch filled with wine and great stories. And while the art museum would not have been Bruce’s thing, he would have muddled through for my sake, and enjoyed the water-front restaurant as much (if not more) than the rest of us.
The best part of the day, though, has always been one of my favorite things to do… riding around looking at Christmas lights. My daughter found one of those miles long displays that offers their own radio station, hot cocoa, and lots of picture opps along the way. I wish Bruce could have been there, but throughout the ride, I found myself remembering our first Christmas together. Bruce was so excited when he found one of those light displays and couldn’t wait to take me. It probably sounds crazy, but that night just seemed to meld into this one – beautiful and fun!
Then, last night was a night we have waited three years for… You see, Bruce and I used to always go see Jimmy Buffet in concert every year. It was always such a blast, and one of those things I didn’t think I would ever do again after he died. But in 2019, my daughter bought us tickets to go (for my birthday). However, the concert got delayed a year due to JB’s medical issues. Then, last year it was delayed again due to Covid. (We were beginning to wonder if we were ever going to get there.) But last night, there we were in all of our parrot-head attire finally enjoying a fun, music-filled night. I will say, last night it really did feel like he was there beside me – dancing and humming along.
So today, I am exhausted. It was an absolutely, fabulous weekend. One I thought I was fine to ignore, but instead I learned a great lesson… I learned that I can have fun… I can laugh and dance and all those things that used to be such a huge part of my life… and I’m pretty sure, Bruce approved… I am pretty sure he was watching… and smiling… (At least it felt like he was, and that’s really all that matters.)
This grief journey is not an easy path for any of us… and this time of year, it can be just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to on this path, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined – especially during the holidays. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since he passed. These next few weeks will definitely hold many challenges for all of us.
Thankfully, we are not alone… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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