“Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought it would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are actually living.” ~ Rachel Marie Martin
Sometimes I think this is what the grief journey is really all about… Letting go of what was and what was supposed to be and finding joy in what is. We all change and grow throughout our lives, or at least, we are supposed to. But for most of us, those changes are slow… they happen over time. This gives us a chance to adapt as we move forward, and it gives those around us time to adapt to the changes in us as well.
The problem with losing a loved one is that the change happens fast… real fast… like “in-a-moment” fast. We have no time to adapt… And if we are struggling with the change, no wonder those around us struggle at the changes in us too. We want things to be as they were. They want us to be as we were. However, neither of those things are possible anymore… Our lives are forever changed, and so are we.
After Bruce died, I think one of the biggest adjustments was that my “person” was no longer here. In a healthy relationship, the other partner becomes our priority. It was no different for Bruce and me. I was his priority, and he was mine. We were always looking out for the other – putting them first, building them up, looking out for what could make their world a little bit better. But the moment he died, I lost that. My “person” was no longer here. I had no one to be my priority, and I was no longer the priority in anyone else’s world. No matter who… no matter what…
Logically, I knew this was just the way life would be. I understand it (logically). It’s a little harder when it is played out, though. It’s odd, I guess. I can’t say that I was a priority to anyone before Bruce. At that time, though, it was okay. That was just life… I didn’t know any different. But then when Bruce came along, and I learned and experienced a love that was totally committed. That was such a new and different experience for me. I really did feel like I had walked into a fairy tale, and we would live “happily ever after.”
When that didn’t happen, I struggled just to “be” … just to exist…
Several months after he died, I started working with a life coach. I can’t say we really worked on my grief. Instead, we worked on how to live life again… At the time, I was just trying to survive. To get up each day and do the things life required of me. She taught how to be not only a functioning human but to look for the joy in each day and each moment. It started with a whole conversation about “be-ing” – about movement and change that is a part of life. An understanding that we are human “be-ings” – meaning our calling is to “be” … to grow… to move forward… She taught me to look at the things happening around me, and to lean into those moments that bring me joy in order to sustain me through the harder moments.
For the most part, I think I do pretty well… This time of year, though, is a little bit harder. Now, add onto to that the fact that this is my first holiday season alone again in years – not necessarily a bad thing, but it adds a few challenges to my thought processes. This Advent season, I find myself needing to work just a little bit harder to hang onto those joy-filled moments. Otherwise, I don’t know how I would get through some of the lonelier times.
In my Advent readings this year, the author has talked a lot about hope, which makes sense. That’s what Advent is – a time of hope… a time of waiting for something better to come. This, I guess, is my current struggle, because in the moment when I became a widow all of my hope was gone. I have had the best – Bruce, and after all these years, I don’t really know how to hope anymore… but I want to…
Over the years, I have learned to feel joyful again… It was tough, and it took time, but I did it. Now, I really want to find hope again. Be-ing a widow may have stolen my hope in the beginning, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find it again. It doesn’t mean I need to spend the rest of my life feeling the best has already happened… And so that has become my goal… To let go of past expectations, and to learn how to have hope again.
Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone… and this time of year, it can be just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to on this path, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Life is now filled with challenges I never imagined – especially during the holidays. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. These next few weeks will hold many challenges for me, but my goal is to look for the joy and the hope life holds.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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