When it comes to death and the aftermath of losing someone we love, grief is the word we tend to use the most. According to the dictionary, grief is defined as deep sorrow, usually in response to death. I can’t argue that… It is true. However, this week I realized there is another word that seems to be a little more accurate. It is defined as the complete loss or absence of hope. This time of year, that sounds a little more precise, especially when everything around me is about family and joy. Yet here I am without my other half, and all I seem to feel is… despair.
Most of the time, I feel like I have come such a long way since that awful night years ago. However, lately, I seem to cry whenever I am alone. I still miss him. I would still give anything to have him next to me. Just the two of us snuggled on the couch, gazing at the lights on the tree, and talking about nothing and everything. But… for me… for us, that will never happen again. That is where I fall apart and the despair happens…
“Psalmists failed to capture this kind of despair… I want to dig a hole with my bare hands and stay there in a field and in the damp cold, and tell the world that I am so angry, so sad, so longing, I can hardly breathe.” ~ Sarah Bessey, Out of Sorts
When we were married, I always thought we would live “happily ever after.” We were so right together. How could we not live happily ever after? But that was not our destiny… As it turns out, “happily ever after” is something only found in fairy tales and Disney movies. So now, I find myself wondering how to reconcile my never-ending longing for this man I still love with all my heart with the fact that he is gone, and I am here all alone.
This week as I was reading Sarah Bessey’s book, Out of Sorts, the chapter was about her grief. For me, there was a common language there. I seemed to be able to relate to every word. When she talked about her own grief journey, I kept thinking, “Yes! Exactly! That is where I was… And if I’m honest, sometimes still find myself.”
“At the beginning of my journey…, I was filled with grief for my own small concerns, yes, but also for the world. I had run out of words. And faith. I was grieving in a personal and spiritual way… Silence was akin to prayer for me for a long time. I simply moved through my life with silence in my spirit, waiting on God. I couldn’t pray, but the part of me that had once prayed was waiting. Simply waiting.” ~ Sarah Bessey, Out of Sorts
That was me, too! … And this week, it still is… at least a little bit… Struggling to put my emotions into words, and finally just resorting to a desperate silence. I am trying so hard to enjoy this precious season, and most of the time, I feel like I am enjoying myself. But then, I hear a song or see something that touches my heart and the one person I want to share it with isn’t here. It is more than just grief that follows that realization… That is despair.
I guess I am learning that some years, the holidays are going to be just a little bit harder than other years. Some days are harder than other days. And some moments are harder than other moments. I need to remind myself that it’s okay to miss him. It’s okay to cry. I don’t need to apologize or make excuses to anyone else for what I feel. I simply need give myself permission to take a few deep breaths, feel what I feel for as long as I need before moving on.
“Let yourself grieve. When something ends, it’s worthwhile to notice its passing, to sit in the space and look at the pieces before you head out.” Sarah Bessey, Out of Sorts
This grief journey is not an easy path for any of us… and this time of year, it is just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined – especially during the holidays. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since he passed. These next few weeks will definitely hold many challenges.
Thankfully, we are not alone… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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