blessings – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… Handling the Holidays

This is the season when we are all supposed to focus on the blessings in our lives, right? It is a season to be thankful for all the wonderful blessings. Yet, at this time of year, I somehow always find myself struggling. I want to be thankful… In fact, I am thankful. However, I seem to always find myself caught between opposing emotions. I am torn between missing Bruce and not wanting to celebrate the holidays without him (again) and wanting to completely submerge myself into celebrating the holidays with my loved ones and turn my back on the memories of the past… Memories that I wish more than anything were still real.

I remember when this whole journey began… I couldn’t see the blessings… All I could focus on was the fact that Bruce was gone. I really struggled with trying to understand why I was still here, and Bruce wasn’t. I loved him so much. How was I supposed to go on without him? What was the purpose? Did I even have a reason to still be here? Honestly, while I didn’t want to be here, I knew there had to be a reason, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was taking everything I had just to survive that first year… how could God expect anything more of me? How in the world could I find anything to be thankful for?

That first year, I pretty much just ignored the holidays. I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t celebrate anything. Then, in the following years, I found myself celebrating a little bit more each year… Learning to look past what isn’t and trying to focus on what is. It hasn’t been easy, but the love of my family has made it possible. However, I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that there is still a part of me that wants to just sit down and cry when I look and see an empty chair beside me… Where is he? Why isn’t he here with us? It doesn’t matter whose table I am sitting at, or how much laughter and love are surrounding me, that sight seems to always break my heart.

This year, though, I found myself going back to read a letter my father sent last year… A year when we all had to stay apart. This year we will all be together (thankfully). Yet, his words are still a good reminder for me…

“I was just thinking earlier of Thanksgivings and Christmases past and hoping that your day will be one like those: overflowing with warmth and happy pandemonium, wrapped in family and in the love of family, and conscious of all that you (and we) have been given. Amid all the things we allow to bother us, there’s much to be thankful for, isn’t there? Much more of blessings than of burdens; much more of hope than of discouragement; much more of love than of whatever exists in the absence of love. (I honestly don’t know what that would be; I’ve only known love.) Look around you at the faces you love. You’re looking at an inventory of unspeakable blessing; take the opportunity and let it fill your heart, and then you’ll be ready to give thanks to the Source of all that blessing.”

I will be mulling over these words over the next few weeks, holding them close to my heart and letting them soak in… basking in the love and courage they express… Building my own strength, by listening to his words of faith as a reminder of all the blessings – past and present – that make up my life.

Our God truly is a good God… And I known I have been blessed. So, I thank you, God, for not only giving me a season to be thankful, but for the faith of those I love who remind me of all the many blessings I have to be thankful for!

This can be a tough season when you are experiencing deep grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. This can make it hard to celebrate and even harder to be thankful. Yet, it is in remembering and finding those blessings that we are able to celebrate at all. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What changes have you had to navigate on this journey? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you and each other.

It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and that we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… A Message for Me

The last few weeks have found me cleaning out and throwing out. I have bins upon bins in my garage due to several circumstances… I had to move everything out of my house when I had new floors installed this summer; my daughter and I emptied out a storage unit we had been renting together; and I will be working from home permanently, so I went and got all of my stuff from the office. I don’t want all this stuff, though. So, I am determined that nothing is coming back into this house until I go through it and decide if I really want to keep it… Everything else is either charity or trash.

(Sigh)… What an undertaking… However, slowly but surely, I am making progress.

It has also been quite interesting to see old family pictures, newspaper clippings of my kids, pictures of Bruce and I that I had forgotten about, and the list goes on and on. Each day I unpack and go through at least one bin, and today, I chose one of the bins filled with stuff from my office.

I was just there gathering my stuff this past week. It was so eerie going into that huge empty building. There was no one there except me and the security guard… and the silence was deafening. It was also sad… the idea of not going there again… not seeing my friends… or hearing people laugh across the room… or even that low hum of business… of people focused and working.

I will miss all that…

I have worked in that office longer than I have worked or lived anywhere… over 12 years. It probably sounds weird, but that office holds a sweet spot in my heart. In the weeks and months after Bruce died, it provided me with a space to go to that felt “normal.” Because of what I do, Bruce had never been inside my office, so it didn’t feel weird that he wasn’t there. It felt like it was supposed to… It felt like it should… It felt like work.

That space quickly became a sanctuary away from the overwhelming grief and silence I felt at home. I think that is why I went back to work so soon after he died. I just couldn’t continue to sit in this house any longer, staring at the walls and waiting (praying) for him to return. But the office offered a distraction… There was work to do, and people all around me doing exactly that. And, whenever I felt too sad or needed a break from all of that, I simply shut the door to my office for a little while.

A few months after Bruce died, the son of one of my friends there was killed in a horrible accident. In the months that followed, she and I reached out to each other in our grief for support… and hugs… and just to know there was someone who understood the pain that we were both drowning in.

One particular morning, she came into my office, handed me a piece of paper, and sat down. She had had a dream the night before, and in her dream, Bruce had asked her to give me a message. At the time, I took that piece of paper and taped it to my computer. I needed that daily reminder that I wasn’t alone…

However, over time, my mind grew accustomed to that piece of paper, and after years of it sitting in the same space, I barely noticed it. In fact, in the 17 months we have been working from home, I don’t believe I have thought of that piece of paper back in the office at all. I simply forgot all about it… until today when I was unpacking that bin from the office.

And there it was… torn and stained, but still there…

“From Bruce: (2/6/2014)
I pray that you will realize the depth and breadth of God’s love for you – a love that has no limits. I pray that you will have a revelation of His immense love for you knowing that nothing can separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Neither death nor life, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers in all creation can keep God from loving you. May God’s demonstration of His love through His son be so real, that there will be no room for doubt. May you experience the fullness of God’s love today.”

This precious message was originally sent to me at a time when I was struggling with my faith and praying for answers… I wasn’t even sure I wanted to believe in a God who had let the love of my life die in my arms. Then… to have that same message reappear in my world today… a time when I find myself solidly on a path of faith where Bruce’s own legacy has guided me consistently over the years…

Well… All I can say it that my heart is full today, and I am so thankful for the love and blessings that Bruce still brings to my world.

To old friends, (whose names I recognize week to week), as well as anyone new to our site… I am sorry for the reason you are here. I hate it for you. This is not a club that anyone wants to join. Yet, here we are, and none of us are alone. This journey is an odd one – filled with challenges we never imagined. We never know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when something will remind us of our loved ones. We never know when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger. That can sometimes make this journey feel even more lonely. Yet, there are other times when I know I am not alone at all. We are here for each other. This journey holds both challenges and peace-filled moments for each of us. Yet, it is actually our love for those we have lost that brings us together to this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

The Importance of Laughter

The sun sets at the end of the day.
The sky is pink.
I am reminded of you…
And I smile.

The full moon rises over the trees.
It lights up the world.
I am reminded of you…
And I smile.

The storm rolls in with its dark clouds.
It puts on a show for the world.
I am reminded of you…
And I smile.

The waves crash onto the beach.
There for a moment and then gone again.
I am reminded of you…
And I smile.

All around me life goes on.
I see you in every flower,
And feel you in the stir of the wind.
Your soul reaches out to me to remember…
I do…
And I smile.
~ Linda, 2013

There is a lot of stress in our house right now… Not because of anything bad, though. It’s all good things actually. My daughter who has been living with me for the past few years is getting married. He is a good man. In fact, he and I were friends before she ever came here to live, so you know he is top-notch on my list. They are also building a house and getting ready to move, which we all know is extremely exciting… and ridiculously stressful. There are boxes everywhere in our house – some holding items for the wedding; others holding household items for their new home.

On top of all of that, life is still moving forward with work and homeschooling and all the things that make up life. I am sure we can all relate… We have all had those moments in life where we can see the finish line where we know we will get some relief… We just have to figure out how to get there… Might I suggest a little laughter? I really think that is what we need a bit of right now. I say that because laughter has been such a blessing whenever I have found myself struggling to move forward in this journey.

I remember when I went through my divorce years ago. It took three years to get divorced, and life was extremely tense during that time and for a long time after. At one point, my mom sent me a CD of a comedian along with a note telling me I “needed to laugh.” As I put the CD into the player of my car, I shook my head thinking, “She doesn’t get it. My life is falling apart… I don’t think I can laugh anymore.” However, as is often the case, I was wrong, and my mom was right. Within a few short minutes, I was laughing so hard, I could barely breathe! It was such a great release!

Years later, when Bruce passed away, I found myself thinking I would never laugh again… It felt as if every bit of joy had been drained from my life. Once again, though, someone wiser than myself counseled me on the importance of finding some joy each day… Not just something to be grateful for (although can be a good place to start), but something that would make me smile… and, yes, maybe even laugh.

I will always remember the first time I laughed after Bruce passed away. A bunch of us were sitting around telling “Bruce Stories”, and before I knew it, I found myself laughing at some of the best memories ever! However, as soon as I realized what I was doing, I stopped short. How could I laugh? My world had fallen apart! What in the world did I have to laugh about?

As time passed, I found myself laughing at little things such the sayings of my (then) toddler grandson or a joke on the radio. However, each time I would catch myself… and stop. Those same feelings of “what did I have to laugh about?” kept returning… And each time, I let it steal my joy.

I’m not sure at what point or even who said it, but somewhere on this path, someone suggested that perhaps I needed to give myself permission to laugh. At about the same time, I started reading one of Bruce’s favorite, “go-to” books, The Importance of Living by Lin Yutang. Within the first few pages, he presents the idea that a sense of humor has the function of not letting us “bump our heads against the stone wall of reality.” In other words, to be wise we need to learn to combine our reality with our dreams and a sense of humor.

At this point, the door truly opened. If this book was Bruce’s “go-to” and these were the ideas of the author… perhaps… just perhaps, Bruce, himself, was trying to tell me that I needed to laugh again. And if I took that a step further, perhaps by giving myself permission to laugh, I was also giving myself permission to heal.

And so, I did…

It started slowly. I started retelling stories and sharing memories of Bruce and I that made me laugh. By starting there, I found that I could honor Bruce’s memory and find my healing through laughter all at the same time. I quickly found that other people who knew him, were more than willing to dive in and share their funny stories as well. Over the years, I have had people add their stories to my “collection” of precious moments – from Bruce’s high school buddy sharing stories of teenage shenanigans to his sisters and parents telling stories of his childhood. In each story, I have been able to recognize the man I loved and his mischievous sense of humor. I can picture that smile he used to get on his face when he thought he was getting away with something… And I have laughed… long and hard.

Yet, that is not the end; that was only the beginning. Once I let go of the guilt of feeling joyful, it began to sink in that I am still here for a reason. MY life isn’t over, and I needed to stop acting as if it were… And laughter has been my bridge back to a life worth living… A life I enjoy!

What a blessing! I must say that in the past few years, I have learned to be so thankful for the healing gift of laughter and the balance that a sense of humor can bring to our lives each and every day… no matter what our current reality holds.

So, that is my goal… over the next few weeks, as we move through these milestones, may we remember that laughter is a blessing, and a life worth living is one filled with joy.

“If we don’t pause,
the hardships of the world will slowly de-sensitize us from the simple joys that life has to offer.
Stop and take a breath.
Enjoy the moment without needing the moment to be perfect.
Life is what happens between the cracks of perfection.”
~ Erik Wahl

Nowadays, very time I find myself laughing, I also find myself thanking Bruce in my heart for opening my eyes to one more thing… and reminding me that I am not alone here. Sure, it can be easy to feel like this journey is nothing more than a very lonely path, especially since it is so different for each of us. Yet, our love for those we have lost is something we all share. Did you or have you ever struggled with the idea of laughing in the face of loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. This is our community, and we are here for you. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… A Season to be Thankful

This is the season when we all focus on the blessings in our lives, right? It is a season to be thankful for all those blessings. Yet, at this time of year, I somehow always find myself struggling. I want to be thankful… In fact, I am thankful. However, I seem to always find myself caught between emotions. I am torn between missing Bruce and not wanting to celebrate the holidays without him (again), and wanting to completely submerge myself into celebrating the holidays with my loved ones and turn my back on the memories of the past… Memories that I wish more than anything were real right now.

This year, my grandson was supposed to spend Thanksgiving with his father. Because we didn’t feel safe putting him on a plane with the pandemic, we chose to meet halfway. For our little family, we made the decision to rent a small house on the river there for the week, rather than drive back and forth (and back and forth). It has been a lovely little place, quiet and peaceful, with a dock, kayaks, and fishing. It is also the town where Bruce’s parents used to live. So, for me, there are a lot of sweet, sweet memories here.

From the minute we drove into town, I felt my heart smiling. This has been such a special week as we have visited every spot where Bruce and I used to hang out whenever we were here. What a blessing to be here!

Still, at the same time, there is a part of me that wants to just sit down and cry… Where is he? Why isn’t he here with us? Even at a strange table, there is an empty chair beside me that breaks my heart…

Then, as fate would have it, my father sent me an email… Because of the virus, he and my mother are spending the holiday alone… as are most of us. I hate it… Part of what gets me through this season is being surrounded by family – focusing on the people I love. While I know he was speaking from his own heart, his words spoke to my own, as well…

“I was just thinking earlier of Thanksgivings and Christmases past, and hoping that your day will be one like those: overflowing with warmth and happy pandemonium, wrapped in family and in the love of family, and conscious of all that you (and we) have been given. Amid all the things we allow to bother us, there’s much to be thankful for, isn’t there? Much more of blessings than of burdens; much more of hope than of discouragement; much more of love than of whatever exists in the absence of love. (I honestly don’t know what that would be; I’ve only known love.)

Look around you at the faces you love. You’re looking at an inventory of unspeakable blessing; take the opportunity and let it fill your heart, and then you’ll be ready to give thanks to the Source of all that blessing.

In our hearts we’ll be doing that same thing. We do it often, anyway. And don’t read anything into this email except joy. Life brings changes, but they’re not as bad as the world would have you believe. I honestly believe the changes just help us to get our priorities straight. ‘There is a season for everything under heaven,’ and our time — our age, frankly — is a good time for getting priorities straight. Our day will be as happy and as joyous… and as thankful as yours. Quieter, perhaps, but happy. All of the blessings of years past are still ours, in memory and in fact, so we have much to be thankful for — grateful for — too.” ~ My dad

I have pondered these words several times this week and let them simply soak in… basking in the love and courage they express… Finding my own strength, by listening to his words of faith as a reminder of all the blessings – past and present – that make up my life.

Our God truly is a good God… And I have been blessed. So, I thank you, God, for not only giving me a season to be thankful, but for the faith of those I love who remind me of all the many blessings I have to be thankful for!

This can be a tough season when you are experiencing deep grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. This can make it hard to celebrate and even harder to be thankful. Yet, it is in remembering and finding those blessings that we are able to celebrate at all. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What changes have you had to navigate on this journey? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… A Sunday Gift

One of my journaling prompts this week was to recall a happy memory. Immediately, my mind went to a memory I haven’t thought about for a long time…

When I moved to Michigan to marry this man I loved, it was November. It was cold and snowing within a few days of our arrival. Being from the coast of SC, I didn’t have much experience with snow, so it seemed like such a beautiful miracle… at first. After months and months of gray skies and snowy days, I was done… I had had enough to last me quite a while.

Poor Bruce! He had grown up with this weather, and while he didn’t like it, it just was the way of winters in Michigan. I’ll never forget one of the first relatively warm Sundays in May. As the sun came up and we lay in the bed talking, he told me that he had a surprise for me. Always the eternal child at heart, I looked around excitedly and asked where it was.

“It’s not here,” he chuckled. “I have to take you there. We’ll go after we get dressed and eat breakfast.”

I have to tell you; I couldn’t get ready fast enough. I was so excited! So, a couple of (very long) hours later, we got into the car and headed out. We didn’t go far – maybe 5 miles at most. However, we ended up somewhere I had not seen before.

Bruce parked his truck in a small gravel parking lot on the edge of a small lake – Pickerel Lake. Then, we proceeded to spend the rest of the day walking, talking, and holding hands. There were paths that went around the lake and paths that went up and down the nearby hillside. The paths went in and out of the woods, through swamps and out into meadows.

Along the way, we rested on benches and logs or just sat on the ground. The sun was warm on our backs, but the temperature cooled immediately as soon as we stepped into the shade of the woods. It was a perfect day!

I know we talked a lot that day about everything under the sun, but the main thing I remember Bruce saying was that for him this was church… This was where he felt God. I remember not only nodding in agreement, but looking at this man with so much love as I realized what a precious gift he had just shared me.

You see, I tend to be a “busy” person who was raised to be a “good girl” and do things “the right way.” Before Bruce, that meant working five days a week and taking care of four children, while trying to maintain a house (and yard) that were way too big. It meant my weekdays didn’t end until sometime around midnight, while my days started at 3 AM. It meant spending Saturdays trying to take care of the house and yard, and Sundays were spent at the church. In other words, it meant trying to do “everything,” while feeling like I never got anything accomplished.

Thankfully, Bruce saw past all that… Thankfully, once we were married and living in Michigan, he showed me that it was okay to slow down… It’s funny… While I worked six days a week that first year, it still felt like a much more relaxing life than before. Why? Because he showed me that everything didn’t fall on me. We were a team, and I didn’t need to “be” anything but me… and he loved me.

I can’t begin to tell you how absolutely refreshing that realization was.
Before that day at the lake, I still wasn’t quite “there” yet. I was still trying to fill all the days and all the hours – 6 days at work and 1 day for church and chores.

But that day at the lake changed all that… That day, I realized that when God calls us to “keep a day of rest,” the key word is “rest” … A day to spend with family and nature and God – laughing, loving, talking, sharing, and enjoying the many blessings we are given.

That day has to be one of my favorite memories… It is one I fall back on whenever I catch myself falling back into that old trap of “do and go” and ridiculous business. Then, I take a breath. I remember that day… And I know that Bruce didn’t just give me the gift of a day at the lake. What he gave me was the gift of knowing it is okay to take the time to just “be.”

Thank you, Babe! What a precious gift!

In so many ways, I know Bruce left me a beautiful legacy – not just a spiritual one, but one that encourages me to look at the world around me and experience it with love and compassion… One that allows me to see God (however I define that) in all different ways… One that says “Be compassionate, even to yourself… Grieve as you need to grieve, and love life however it comes.”

I wanted to share this memory this week because I am so thankful for all I learned (and continue to learn) from the man who changed my world for the better. What about you? What kind of legacy did your loved one leave for you? We would love to hear from you. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Time to Be Grate

“Gratitude isn’t a natural response to adversity;
It’s a discipline you develop.”
~ Unknown

Thanksgiving has always been a “family” holiday in my mind. Our family has always come together to celebrate… For us, the day is centered on great conversations, playful banter, sharing stories, laughter and love. Growing up, my family always spent the day at one of my grandparents’ homes. I loved playing with my cousins and listening to the grown-ups talk into the late hours of the night.

My first husband was military, and we lived too far away from either of our families to celebrate the day with them. So, the day was spent with friends and strangers who would have otherwise spent the day alone. Everyone pitched in and the day was spent sharing what we had… food, stories and friendships.

When Bruce and I were first married, we were living in Michigan, so we usually spent the day with his family… until we moved to Florida, that is. However, even then, we seemed to always have someone in the family with us for Thanksgiving… even if only for a few hours.

But when Bruce died everything changed…

That first Thanksgiving came ten months after Bruce passed away. At that point, I’m not sure if I was just still too numb or if the pain was still too raw… Or a combination of both. I do, however, remember I couldn’t bring myself to celebrate anything. Life had thrown me a curve ball, and I didn’t feel thankful about anything. I was still hurting too much, and the idea of celebrating a “family” holiday, when the person I loved was gone… well… that was more than I could handle.

So instead, I ignored the holiday, and spent the day at a theme park with my youngest daughter and her friend. At this point, memories of that day have faded into a blur. However, I know it created the distraction I needed, while still allowing me to spend time with someone I love.

The next year, I decided it was time to join the rest of the world and celebrate… It was time to try and say “Thank you” again. I was still hurting, but I wanted to spend time with family and loved ones, so I spent a very quiet holiday with one of my daughters and her family. It was a wonderfully, simple holiday – a very good way to ease back into the idea of celebrating without Bruce. A good portion of the day was spent just breathing, and no one pushed me to do more than I felt ready to handle. There were smiles and laughter, and with love and support, I did it… In fact, by the end of the day I knew exactly what I was thankful for – the love of my family.

The third year, I got a little bit braver again… This was the year I traveled to merry old England to spend the holiday with my oldest daughter and her husband. A first it seemed so odd to celebrate Thanksgiving in a country that does not share this holiday.

We had a lovely time shopping for a “bird” and “American” ingredients which were nearly impossible to find. Yet, everyone else seemed eager to pitch in… They were so curious and more than happy to help us find all the “traditional foods” we needed for our feast. The day itself couldn’t have been better! It was beautiful… another quiet celebration filled with love and laughter… and a few tears… But once again, I was reminded of what I have to be grateful for… the people I love.

The next year was different again. My daughter and grandson had moved in with me just a few months earlier, and he was spending Thanksgiving with his father in another state. It felt strange and wrong… There was definite grieving for a family (and a tradition) gone. It was my daughter’s first holiday without her little Bubba, and for reasons I completely understood, we chose to spend the holiday traveling rather than celebrating with the traditional family feast.

The day was quiet, the beach was soothing, and the company was loving… That year, once again, it was a holiday to be “survived” rather than “enjoyed.” I missed Bruce, and we both missed having our little Bubba to make us smile and give us hugs. I’m not sure how, but we made it through… So grateful to be a family again at the end of the weekend.

In the years following, I have not only gotten braver, I am genuinely grateful for the many blessings in my life. Our family has gone back to old traditions with an old fashioned, “everyone’s coming” Thanksgiving. My daughter and I spend days cooking and cleaning in preparation. We make all the traditional foods my children grew up eating. Then, we throw in a few games for laughter and entertainment.

I have to be honest, though, this time of year is still hard… Why? Because this is the time of year where the focus is on family. And while I have a wonderful family, for me there will always be someone missing… Bruce. It breaks my heart all over again every time I think about it. Then add in the part about being grateful, and the struggle gets just a little bit harder.

For years when I read the verse, from 1 Thessalonians, “Be thankful in all circumstances,” I couldn’t understand it. How in the world could I be thankful for this? Why would God ask this from me? I couldn’t understand… And I couldn’t do it.

This year, though, I realized my mistake… It doesn’t say “for all circumstances.” It says “in all circumstances.” In other words, I’m not expected to be thankful for the loss of Bruce. (God understands and joins me in my pain.) What he is asking of me is to be able to find things I am grateful for, even IN my grief… And I have found that I can do that just fine.

So this month I have been making time each day to be grateful… making time to look around at all the things I take for granted and truly see the many blessings all around me…

First and foremost, I am alive. Despite two bouts with cancer in 18 months, I am still here to enjoy all the other blessings I am surrounded by. Because he lives with me, I get to watch my grandson grow up, not to mention the very special bond we have developed over the past few years. Because most of my family lives within a few hours’ drive, I get to spend a good bit of time with them, especially my kids and my sister. Each morning, I am blessed to watch the sunrise, and each evening, to watch it set. I am able to laugh… and run… and enjoy life moment by moment.

If there is one thing I learned when Bruce died, it was how short and unpredictable life is. Through the years since then, I have learned that many of the things I thought were important before, really aren’t. In the past, I wasted time worrying or being upset about things that either never happened, don’t matter now or aren’t even remembered anymore.

All of this craziness that I call “my life” is a gift I couldn’t appreciate a few years ago. This life is a gift I wasn’t sure I would continue to experience a year ago… But it is my gift, and I have learned that life, love, and living each moment in a state of gratitude is what is important… It is about taking the time to be grateful each and every day.

“Gratitude is an attitude you choose,
Not a reaction to your circumstances.”
~ Unknown

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle family holidays? Have you always been able to be grateful or have you struggled with being grateful? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

NOTE: Due to family time, I will be off schedule next week. I will be taking next week off in order to spend the weekend with my family. Thank you for understanding my need to enjoy my precious time with those I love.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Looking for the Blessings

“As I lie here thinking of you, I realize I have been blessed to have had a husband whose only expectation was for me to love him…
And whose only goal was to show me how much he loved me.”

~ Linda, July 2014

Maybe it is just me, but I have found that one of the hardest parts of being a widow is remembering to focus on the blessings. In the beginning, all I could think about was “what was no longer.” It was such a struggle that my life coach at the time had me start making a daily list of things to be thankful for. At first, I had to make myself think hard to come up with even two or three things. However, before long I was able to find multiple blessings… It was a great way to start turning my thought process around.

I think the second hardest thing has been the expectation (or my supposed expectation) from others to “control” my emotions. Don’t get me wrong, I understand I can’t live my life crying from grief and wallowing in self-pity. Yet at the same time, I often find myself shoving my real feelings down deep inside. Then to try to counter or ignore those feelings, I find myself either being way too bubbly or very quiet… Either way, it just feels awkward. It isn’t real, and it isn’t the real “me” at that moment.

I started a journal soon after Bruce died, and it has been a great outlet for those feelings. Over time, that journal seemed to morph into this blog, which has also been a great outlet for those feelings. There are so many things I will write here that I don’t talk about otherwise. Weird, huh? But, this space seems to be safe… A space where others understand what I am talking about because they are on that same journey.

Writing has given me an outlet for a lot of emotions and thoughts that I am not comfortable sharing… many of them have been so intense, they almost scare me. Yet, all of this writing has helped me release those emotions… I can leave them right there on the page and walk away. It has become such a vital part of this journey that I look forward to “my writing time” and the healing I feel after.

This week was no different. This week, after less than a year, that “C” word has been re-introduced into my world. This time it came as, “The biopsy came back, and it is melanoma.” WHAT?? At first, my mind went blank and tears started to form. What the h***?? How can this be happening again?

Truthfully, it is early, and the prognosis couldn’t be better. (Unless it wasn’t cancer at all.) They just need to go back for clear margins, and if that is do-able, all is well. Still… even that knowledge didn’t make the first couple of days any easier.

Honestly, I know I am blessed, I know it… but I’m still frustrated. Once again, I would give anything for Bruce to be here. Doing this kind of stuff without him feels way more daunting. I wish he were here to hold me and just let me be mad for a little while… to just let me cry for a long while… to just hold me… to just tell me we will get through this together, and it’s all going to be just fine.

… But that can’t be… that can never be… and that makes me mad, too!

Those are the emotions I’m talking about. Those are the ones I’m not comfortable saying out loud because it sounds so silly. I know this is a simple thing… I know it’s not a big deal… But deep down it’s still another round of that “C” word without Bruce, and it’s still a little bit scary…

So, now, what do I do?

The same thing I have been trying to do on this journey… Share my feelings here and look constantly to find the blessings around me…

When Bruce was alive, I didn’t have to put any effort into finding the blessings… it was easy. It took us 44 years to find each other, and that miracle was never lost on either of us… Everyday together was a blessing. However, the past few days I have struggled… I hate it, but when things get tough, it is still so easy for me to get caught up in what I have lost rather than what I still have.

I really do realize I have a lot of blessings here, though. This has been caught early, and it is going to be absolutely fine. I also have great family and friends who are here for me. Luckily, I have great insurance, a fabulous boss and a wonderful job that allows me to take care of my health without worry of reprisals.

… And even if I can’t see him, in my heart, I know Bruce is here beside me once again… Holding me tight and whispering, “I love you” and “We’ve got this” in my ear…

How about you? What do you struggle with along your path? Do you ever struggle to find the blessings when things get hard? How do you respond to those moments? This path can be a hard one, but none of us need to do it alone. We are all here for each other. We all have stories to share. Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Finding Gratitude

This has been one of those weeks where all I can think about is how blessed I am…

This week I received news that my childhood neighbors’ daughter had passed away. She was so young with so much of life ahead. My heart is broken for her family and the pain they must feel at this point. While every loss is different, pain is pain… And I remember that pain.

For me, throughout this journey, there are have been days (even weeks and months in the beginning) where I try as I might, I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. The simple act of getting through a day was all the action I could muster when it came to moving forward and healing. There were times when each day seemed to blend into the next… one gray day after another… I couldn’t seem to find anything to offer hope.

Yet hope was what I needed, because growth and change can’t happen without it. Hope is what gives us the energy to keep trying and the belief that things WILL improve.

It took some time, but I can definitely say I eventually found the hope I needed to pull myself out. Yes, there are still days where I flounder… There are still days when I don’t understand why, and when I would give anything to have Bruce here by my side. But, even then, I can usually find my way back to a positive space.

As I thought about it this week, I came to realize how many people have been there to help me through those tough times. In the beginning, it was so easy to get caught up in who wasn’t there. But that wasn’t really fair… I had no idea what was going in their world or why things happened as they did. Instead, the important thing is who has been there.

Also, here is the other thing, it really wasn’t what anyone said that made a difference… It was the gift of presence… The gift of just being there. Granted, there were people who wanted to “say the right thing,” and I understand that desire. But honestly, there is no “right thing” to say. When you lose someone, it hurts… The pain is awful! And there are no words that can make that pain stop… not one word. Instead, those words would usually just shut me down, which was worse.

In fact, I would say that the greater the pain, the fewer words are actually needed… Instead, just give me that gift of presence… That willingness for someone else to come alongside and share the pain… That was the greatest gift given to me by so many people… And that is a gift I am so grateful for on this end.

But that’s not all…

When I received the news of my neighbor’s death this week, there were things mentioned about not questioning “God’s plan” and fighting the urge to “correct God.” I know a lot of people think about death this way… Shoot, I did too when Bruce first died… and all it did was make me very angry at God.

It took me a long time to realize, God doesn’t work like that… To my way of thinking, he doesn’t like death either… It was never a part of his original plan. In fact, according to my faith, He has still provided a “loop hole” (if you will), when it comes to life and death. In other words, He gets it! He hurts when we hurt… He understands our pain, and he would never create that… So, no, I don’t believe God moves us around on some giant game board until he decides our time is over. That would be a God I wouldn’t be very interested in… period.

Instead, as I was reading my devotions this week, I came across several verses about the blessings God gives us, and they touched my heart. For example, here are a couple:

“In all things, God works for the good of those who love him.” ~ Romans 8:28

“I will bless you with a future filled with hope – a future of success, not suffering.” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

It took me years to let go of old beliefs and get to this understanding. However, by doing so, hope came back in my horizon, and that has meant a world of difference to me. To understand, there is a God who wants to bless me not hurt me… Who can turn something good out of something bad, has changed my whole outlook on life.

For example, with this latest twist in my journey, there have been days when I have struggled with the “why me” of it all and how to do this without Bruce. Yet, in my heart I know I am not alone, and something good can and will come of all this.

Even this week as I have dealt with the aftermath of my second chemo round, I found myself realizing just how blessed I am… Yes, there are side effects. But all told, I have come off pretty easy. Not only that, but once again, I have some amazing people who are here for me… Some physically; some in spirit. I am so blessed to have so many people who check on me, do for me and send messages of encouragement and hope; my life is filled with the gift of presence in so many forms.

For me, these people are my gifts… They are the blessings God has sent to see me through… and I am so very grateful for each and every one…

Thank you for being my blessing in this storm!

What about you? Did you or have you ever struggled with the idea of finding blessing while facing loss? We all know it isn’t easy… How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Happily Ever After

My heart breaks every day
When I awake and remember
That I am here…
And you are gone.
~ Linda, February 2016

My little family spent last Sunday in a theater watching a movie we have looked forward to seeing for months. It was a favorite when it came out in cartoon form many years ago, and now Disney has brought it to life – Beauty and the Beast. We loved it then… and we love it now!

I grew up loving fairy tales with their “happily ever after” endings. My Mom always took us to the theater downtown to see every Disney movie, from Cinderella to Sleeping Beauty to Snow White. We also had a huge red book of Fairy Tales (that I still have) which I read over and over until I had memorized every story.

As a consequence, I grew up believing that “wishes really do come true,” and the idea of falling in love and living “happily ever after” was just as real as the house I lived in and the swing set I played on… (Naive, I know.)

However, I learned pretty quickly that life isn’t always a fairy tale… My dreams came to a screeching halt in my first marriage. Even though the violence and shame started almost immediately, I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to believe that if I could love him enough, he could love me… He could love us… It took twenty years for me to face reality. There would be no “happily ever after” for us… I had children to protect… I had to leave.

It took three years, before the divorce was final… But despite the odds being against us, the courts recognized the abuse and took away his parental rights – my children were protected… A miracle that is not often seen in small town, southern courts.

I won’t lie though… By this point, I was completely cynical about “love” and “happily ever after.” I was sure there was no such thing as love and definitely no “happily ever after” – I had been fed a lie, which I had bought hook, line and sinker… But no more…

Whenever I saw couples holding hands or snuggling I would shake my head. “Stop pretending! Stop being so ridiculous. Just have fun and live your life, but for goodness sake, be honest – There is no such thing as love,” I thought. And I took my own advice… I started having fun, living my life and being honest. Little did I know, I still had some more learning to do… I needed to learn that sometimes… just sometimes, Fairy Tales really do come true…

Our fairy tale started on a small sailing schooner in the Virgin Islands when a man named, Bruce and I sat down next to each other to fill out our cruise paperwork… Ten months later, I was moving to Michigan so we could live “happily ever after.”

But sadly, our “happily ever after” only lasted 8 years and 18 days…

In the movie, when the Beast dies, Belle cries… She tells him she loves him… She begs for one more chance… one more moment together… And… her wish is granted. The Beast is brought back to life as a human – healthy and strong and kind… And (we are led to believe) they live happily ever after…

And I cried… I love the story! I do believe in a love like that now… I believe in it, because I have lived it…

But, what made me cry was the awakening of feelings I had felt when Bruce passed… Holding him as he took his last breath… Doing everything I knew to bring him back… Watching as the Emergency Responders worked on his lifeless body… and feeling totally inept and helpless and alone… Begging God for a miracle… but not getting one.

I remember thinking God grants so many miracles for other people all the time, so why not this one? I couldn’t understand it, and to be honest, for the most part, I still don’t.

Why are you gone?
Why am I here?
Why does the world keep turning?
Why do I keep breathing?
Please come back… Please…
~Linda, March 2015

I understand that what makes a miracle a miracle is the fact that it is not the norm… but when you lose someone, that “fact” is quite irrelevant. All I could think about was why not now? Why is there no miracle for me? Why not a miracle for Bruce?… For us?

I have to admit, watching Belle get her miracle made me a little jealous. Yes, I am well aware it is a fairy tale… But feelings are feelings…

So, I spent this week, sorting those feelings out. Forcing myself to look for the blessings… the miracles God did give us, and remembering to be thankful for those…

The miracle of Bruce and I finding each other. We lived over a thousand miles apart. I was a school teacher, and he was a truck driver. The fact that we both ended up on the same small boat in the middle of the Caribbean was nothing short of a miracle.

The miracle of our love for each other. I have never felt so connected to and accepted by another person as I did with Bruce. He taught me that life is wonderful and love is real…

Bruce and I both learned Fairy Tales really do come true… And I think that may have been the best miracle of all.

I do not get to choose
What life throws my way.
My choice is “Can I love more today than yesterday,
Despite what has happened?”
~ Linda, November 2015

Grief is hard. Sometimes the most innocent things can trigger overwhelming feelings that cannot be ignored. Learning to navigate through those feelings is different for everyone. This week, I simply wanted to share some of those feelings – no great truths or answers… Just an honest look at what I felt and how I worked through it. Perhaps there is someone else out there who needs to hear this – someone dealing with the same things… Perhaps they might find the strength they need, as well.

Does any of this sound familiar? If you need a hand, let us know… we are here for you. If you have found a positive way through this, would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Remembering to Look

This week seemed to hold a reoccuring theme… both within my own life and in the lives of the people around me. Throughout the week, I had several conversations with friends who were extremely low – feeling so beat-up by their current life situation that all they could see was all the negative stuff surrounding them. From their vantage point, they were convinced there was nothing they could do about anything… Life was happening to them and they were left feeling powerless and drowning.

I think we have all felt that way from time to time. In fact, I remember feeling that way for many years… especially after Bruce passed away. Life had thrown a huge curveball in my direction, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I felt so alone… so unloved… so abandoned by everyone… especially God. I remember someone telling me that God, indeed, was punishing me, and I should “get my life on the right track” – only then would God be able to love me again. (What a sad thing to believe! What a horrible thing to tell someone!)

Honesty, this only made me feel worse and more abandoned… who would want to believe in a God/Universe/Divine Source (pick your own word) like that? How could anyone believe in a God whose behavior we wouldn’t accept in another person? A God who kicks you when you are down and then expects you to beg for his love and blessings? No, thank you! Not this girl! However, this did end up being a blessing, because this was where my own spiritual journey began… my determination to figure out for myself what I actually believe.

It has been said that growth only occurs through struggle. We see this in nature as well as in our own lives. If all we knew was success after success, we would never have the opportunity to grow. If we were asked what happened to make us who we are, most of us would tell a story of struggle that eventually led to growth.

It is the same for me. Bruce’s death has been my biggest struggle ever… But because of it, my spiritual growth has been huge… Don’t get me wrong – it has taken years, but I can finally say I “got there.” About a year ago, I came to realize that my beliefs are not those of the main-stream, orthodox Christianity in which I grew up. Instead, my beliefs are more Franciscan and contemplative in nature – more about the relationship than any rules or dogma. For me, that enlightment was a huge blessing… a blessing that grew out of my biggest loss.

Why is that such a big deal? How does that play out and make such a difference in how I approach life now?

Well, twice this week, my devotions centered around the blessings in our lives… One focused on God “withholding blessings” in order to “discipline” us. While the other focused on the abundance of God and looking for the blessings even in the midst of tragedy.

These are two very opposing views… The first one can have some very negative effects. It can (and often will) drive one to feel powerless, abandoned, worthless, and unloved. However, I don’t believe in a “Gotcha God” who withholds anything. I don’t believe the bad things in our lives are a punishment for anything.

Like the second devotion, I believe in a God of abundance. I believe the struggles are there to help us learn and grow… They are not a punishment. They just happen; they are a part of life. I know it is hard to remember when we are in the midst of a tragedy or struggle, but I still believe if we look hard enough we can still find the blessings.

Research has proven that our human mind seems to easily hang onto and recall the negative things around us. However, in order to remember the positive things, we must focus on them for at least 15 – 30 seconds, or that feeling of happiness is lost.

After Bruce passed away, someone suggested I start a “Gratitude Journal” in order to redirect my focus from negative to positve. In the beginning, it was hard. I had to force myself to think of at least three things to be thankful for each day. Some days it was a struggle… all I think of were things such as “I was able to get out of bed today.” Other days were easier, and I could think of one thing after another.

Bottomline, it has taken years of practice, but what started as a hard task years ago has become easier over time. Through these last few years, I have learned to see more and more of the positives… more and more of the blessings. In fact, now my challenge is to list at least ten things each morning. I don’t mean to sound like I am bragging nor do I want you to think this has been easy. It has been hard… In fact, some days it is still hard. But, as I look more and more for the blessings, I can see the positive results in my life, so I keep working at it…
I keep looking… and finding even more blessings.

Maybe it sounds too simplistic. However, I have found that if we stop focusing on the struggle – on the negative – and start looking for something positive, we will find it… We will start seeing more and more blessings that are there… and always have been. Even in the middle of our worst tragedy,…

there is always something to be thankful for if we just remember to look for it…

Look up, my child.
I am here…
Don’t look down,
I am not there.
Keep your eyes on Me;
Don’t let the clouds block your view.
Look beyond them;
The blue sky is always there,
even behind the clouds.
Stop focusing on the clouds.
Focus on the sky…
Focus on Me…
Keep Me in your view.
I am here guiding you,
Loving you…
Always.
~Linda, September 2015

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with finding anything positive in your life after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief