The last few weeks have found me cleaning out and throwing out. I have bins upon bins in my garage due to several circumstances… I had to move everything out of my house when I had new floors installed this summer; my daughter and I emptied out a storage unit we had been renting together; and I will be working from home permanently, so I went and got all of my stuff from the office. I don’t want all this stuff, though. So, I am determined that nothing is coming back into this house until I go through it and decide if I really want to keep it… Everything else is either charity or trash.
(Sigh)… What an undertaking… However, slowly but surely, I am making progress.
It has also been quite interesting to see old family pictures, newspaper clippings of my kids, pictures of Bruce and I that I had forgotten about, and the list goes on and on. Each day I unpack and go through at least one bin, and today, I chose one of the bins filled with stuff from my office.
I was just there gathering my stuff this past week. It was so eerie going into that huge empty building. There was no one there except me and the security guard… and the silence was deafening. It was also sad… the idea of not going there again… not seeing my friends… or hearing people laugh across the room… or even that low hum of business… of people focused and working.
I will miss all that…
I have worked in that office longer than I have worked or lived anywhere… over 12 years. It probably sounds weird, but that office holds a sweet spot in my heart. In the weeks and months after Bruce died, it provided me with a space to go to that felt “normal.” Because of what I do, Bruce had never been inside my office, so it didn’t feel weird that he wasn’t there. It felt like it was supposed to… It felt like it should… It felt like work.
That space quickly became a sanctuary away from the overwhelming grief and silence I felt at home. I think that is why I went back to work so soon after he died. I just couldn’t continue to sit in this house any longer, staring at the walls and waiting (praying) for him to return. But the office offered a distraction… There was work to do, and people all around me doing exactly that. And, whenever I felt too sad or needed a break from all of that, I simply shut the door to my office for a little while.
A few months after Bruce died, the son of one of my friends there was killed in a horrible accident. In the months that followed, she and I reached out to each other in our grief for support… and hugs… and just to know there was someone who understood the pain that we were both drowning in.
One particular morning, she came into my office, handed me a piece of paper, and sat down. She had had a dream the night before, and in her dream, Bruce had asked her to give me a message. At the time, I took that piece of paper and taped it to my computer. I needed that daily reminder that I wasn’t alone…
However, over time, my mind grew accustomed to that piece of paper, and after years of it sitting in the same space, I barely noticed it. In fact, in the 17 months we have been working from home, I don’t believe I have thought of that piece of paper back in the office at all. I simply forgot all about it… until today when I was unpacking that bin from the office.
And there it was… torn and stained, but still there…
“From Bruce: (2/6/2014)
I pray that you will realize the depth and breadth of God’s love for you – a love that has no limits. I pray that you will have a revelation of His immense love for you knowing that nothing can separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Neither death nor life, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers in all creation can keep God from loving you. May God’s demonstration of His love through His son be so real, that there will be no room for doubt. May you experience the fullness of God’s love today.”
This precious message was originally sent to me at a time when I was struggling with my faith and praying for answers… I wasn’t even sure I wanted to believe in a God who had let the love of my life die in my arms. Then… to have that same message reappear in my world today… a time when I find myself solidly on a path of faith where Bruce’s own legacy has guided me consistently over the years…
Well… All I can say it that my heart is full today, and I am so thankful for the love and blessings that Bruce still brings to my world.
To old friends, (whose names I recognize week to week), as well as anyone new to our site… I am sorry for the reason you are here. I hate it for you. This is not a club that anyone wants to join. Yet, here we are, and none of us are alone. This journey is an odd one – filled with challenges we never imagined. We never know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when something will remind us of our loved ones. We never know when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger. That can sometimes make this journey feel even more lonely. Yet, there are other times when I know I am not alone at all. We are here for each other. This journey holds both challenges and peace-filled moments for each of us. Yet, it is actually our love for those we have lost that brings us together to this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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