thank you – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… With All My Heart

This week was our anniversary… In keeping with years past, I have chosen to simply share the words I wish I could say to Bruce. Who knows… maybe by sharing them here… by putting them out into the universe, he will hear them too and know that my love for him is still going strong…

Hi Babe!

Happy Anniversary! It is hard to believe that this would have been year 17… Yet, it feels like only yesterday when we stood with our families in front of a judge, said, “I do”, and made promises of love and commitment. I can remember the feel of your hands holding mine. I can remember looking into your eyes and all of my doubts and fears about trusting someone again fell away… I knew this was right. I knew our love was true… and real… and forever.

This year, though, has been one of the hardest anniversaries to date…

I was really looking forward to a day spent simply celebrating us. I wanted to spend time on the beach watching the sunrise. Then, a celebratory dinner at our favorite restaurant down in Cocoa. Sadly, though, TS/Hurricane Nicole changed all of those plans. Instead, I have been stuck here at home, watching the weather and waiting… just waiting.

It feels so wrong… as if “we” never happened… I know it sounds melodramatic, but I have never not celebrated this day. I was actually supposed to be off today to spend the day celebrating us – the biggest blessing my little family has known. Instead, though, I gave the day back at the last minute yesterday. Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere, it seemed like a very bad idea to sit here at home feeling sorry for myself versus celebrating.

So, I worked today. It seemed like a good idea to pass the time, and now, at the end of the day, I am simply sitting here in our space – celebrating with a glass of wine and writing to you all the things I wish I could tell you…

Let me start by saying, “Thank you!” Thank you for coming into my life and being my hero. Thank you for all of your love and support… for believing in me… for believing that I could do so much more than I ever imagined.

Thank you, too, for loving my kids… For being the man whom they could count on to love them no matter what… For being the man who showed unconditional love and support from day one. Thank you for showing them what a healthy marriage and an emotionally healthy man look like… For being a true father – not in name only, but in your everyday actions.

Thank you for all the love and endless hugs… For holding me in the night when I awoke terrified of dreams about the past that felt all too real… For greeting me at the door with a hug and a glass of wine at the end of a hard day… For making me feel like the only woman in the world (in your eyes) who mattered… For believing in me… and believing in us.

Thank you for days spent on the beach and all the barefoot dances in the kitchen… For your constant outlook for our safety, and your endless patience. Thank you for this beautiful home, and all the ways you tried to have everything in order before you died.

For all of this and so much more, I thank you! I know our love was a blessing that I will always cherish… a gift that I will never, ever forget.

I love you, Babe, with all my heart… Now and Forever!

Linda

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way.” ~ Pablo Neruda
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. Healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Father’s Day Without You

This morning I saw a friend’s post on Face Book about how today is even harder for those who are no longer able to wish their dad a Happy Father’s Day… How today is one giant reminder of all they have lost and will never have again… And my heart broke… For my friend and for all those in her shoes. Then, it dawned on me that after all these years without Bruce, I have never really thought about how today must affect the “kids” in Bruce’s life who saw him as “Dad” – not just his biological daughter, but my own kids, as well.

I know that must sound selfish on my part… I know they miss him. I know there are moments in their lives when they would give anything for him to still be here… to still be a part of their world. But to my discredit, I never really thought about how Father’s Day might affect them.

So, here I am planning out my day and deciding when the best time will be to call my dad and Bruce’s dad. At the same time, these kids that he and I love aren’t planning to call anyone, because the man they thought of “Father” is no longer here. And my heart breaks from them… and for him…

Hey Babe,
Happy Father’s Day!… Boy, do I wish you were here to actually hear those words. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I wish you were here for all of our kids… These five wonderful adults who were lucky enough to have you as their Dad… I would give anything for each of them to have the opportunity to hug and thank you for all you added to their world.

As the mother of four of these (now adult) children, I can’t thank you enough for what you added to their lives. Coming from a chaotic background where their biological father had his parental rights removed, my kids found, in you, a man who offered nothing but love… pure, unconditional love. What an amazing and precious gift!

At first you were just “mom’s boyfriend” … They were happy as long as I was happy. Then, you became my husband, and there was a small shift. They weren’t quite sure what to do with you… or where you belonged in their world. Yet, you made it simple, and took the lead by simply letting them be… and loving them for whatever that was. There were even times when they would challenge you, just to see how real that love was… Yet, you held strong. You never wavered. You never showed anything less than love and respect for all of them.

Then, after only a few short months, you became that person they trusted… that person they went to for advice. Even now, years later, they occasionally tell stories of going to you and how you always responded by guiding them – never telling them what to do. You never demanded that they listen to you or do as you said. You simply offered advice (when asked) and gave them the respect to make their own decisions.

You showed them how to be a man who loves his family above all else. You showed them what a healthy, loving father looks like. In such a short time, you filled a gap that none of us even realized needed to be filled… And once it was full, there was no going back. There was no way to stop loving you… And while they still called you by your name, they introduced and referred to you as their “Dad”… Because you were… and are… and always will be their “Dad” – the man who loved them during those tough years when they weren’t even sure how to love themselves.

I can never thank you enough for that. That was a void I could not fill. I could love them as their mother, but I couldn’t love them as a father… But you did… without any hesitation… You made it look easy as you stepped up and did what no one else could…

Thank you, Babe! Thank you for loving ALL of us! … And Happy Father’s Day!

I love you… forever and always!

———-

I say it every week… Loss is hard, and the grief we are left to figure out is even harder. But this is a journey where I am continuously learning about life, faith, and love. There have been some great life lessons on this journey, but I hate that losing Bruce is how I got here. After all, I didn’t ask to be here… I didn’t ask for any of this. As the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more good days than bad as I learn those things that seem to bring me a little bit of healing each day. Through it all, though, I still find myself wishing for a world where Bruce is here beside me. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without him. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

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Peace, Love and Grief… Thank you

“Thank you for being the reason I smile!” ~ 365 Relationship Quotes About Happiness to Live By

During the short time Bruce and I were together, I can remember writing thank you notes to his parents for the gift of this wonderful man they had raised. Even from the beginning, I knew I wanted to thank them… They needed to know that because of their parenting, this wonderful man had blessed my life. On a constant basis throughout our marriage, Bruce and I also never missed an opportunity to thank each other for all the ways we felt blessed because of what the other person added to our life. In all honesty, I believe this simple act had the biggest impact on our more-than-successful marriage than anything else.

There is nothing quite like being appreciative and feeling appreciated to build a strong relationship… which has led me to write the following in my journal this week…

Hi Babe!

I know there are so many times, I start writing with “I miss you so much.” However, today I just wanted to say, “Thank you.”

From the moment you first said, “Hello” to our last kiss goodnight, I never doubted your love… Quite an accomplishment given the situation I came from before I knew you. Yet, because of you, I learned what love really is and how to trust again.

You had the simplest ways of showing me that love…

I will always remember the time when we were first married… I had poured you a beer and when I handed it to you, it slipped to the floor, leaving glass and beer everywhere. It was a huge mess, and my instant response was pure fear!

Based on the experiences in my first marriage, I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in… So scared of the consequences I thought would come. I sat in silence waiting for you to come bang on the door and yell at me for making such a mess. That was what I had learned before you… But that never happened. Instead, I could hear you, through the door, cleaning up the mess.

Then, quietly you came and knocked ever so gently on the door. I can’t remember the exact words you said, but hesitantly, I opened the door. Gently, you reached out, took me in your arms and just held me… And I sobbed.

Once I had calmed down, we went back into the freshly cleaned kitchen where you proceeded to pour yourself another beer. I will never forget the next thing you did… You looked me in the eye, held up the glass as if to take a drink, and simply let it go… In disbelief, I watched it crash to the floor creating another new mess. Then, you took me back in your arms and said, “Life is messy sometimes. That’s okay… We can handle that… Nothing will ever make me stop loving you.”

That was my first real memory of the unconditional love that came to envelop my world with you. In that moment, I began to understand and experience true unconditional love… A love that changed my whole world.

But my appreciation doesn’t end there. You also taught me to be a better me… Not through nagging or criticism or anything remotely close to that. You never made me feel like you wanted me to be anything different than what I was in that moment. No… It was your quiet confidence in me that encouraged me.

I learned to take chances… I learn it was okay to fail… and try again. Through it all, you just smiled and encouraged me to try again or to try the next thing. You never told me what to do or not do… You simple smiled, asked me what I wanted to do, and loved me no matter what.

At first, when you died, I was lost. I didn’t think I could do anything else without you there… I missed your encouragement and your confidence. I’m even ashamed to admit it, but in a lot of ways, I lost a lot of the ground I had gained in my own growth. However, once I finally got my feet back under myself, that started to change.

There have been a few rough starts, but rather than letting that appreciation and love fade into the background, I have once again learned to use it to become a stronger person… A better version of me…

I can’t begin to tell you how many times when I am scared to try something new – something way outside my comfort zone – I think about you… And I know… In my mind, I can see you smile with those gentle, loving eyes… In my heart, I can hear your voice telling me you believe in me… I just need to believe in myself. It is almost like you are still here by my side as I gather my courage and push forward.

Thank you for that, Babe! Thank you for building a legacy so strong and so filled with love that even death can’t stop it. Even now, you still amaze me… The way you chose to live your life and love the people around you, still influences me six years later. That is amazing… You are amazing…

I love you, Babe… Always and forever!

“But there’s another kind of love. One that gives you the courage to be better than you are, one that makes you feel that anything is possible.” ~ Michael Bliss, Nights in Rodanthe

What about you? Does the love you shared still influence how you live your life now? If you could thank your loved one for how they changed and added to your life, what would you say? Do you struggle with how to hold onto that? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Finding Gratitude

This has been one of those weeks where all I can think about is how blessed I am…

This week I received news that my childhood neighbors’ daughter had passed away. She was so young with so much of life ahead. My heart is broken for her family and the pain they must feel at this point. While every loss is different, pain is pain… And I remember that pain.

For me, throughout this journey, there are have been days (even weeks and months in the beginning) where I try as I might, I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. The simple act of getting through a day was all the action I could muster when it came to moving forward and healing. There were times when each day seemed to blend into the next… one gray day after another… I couldn’t seem to find anything to offer hope.

Yet hope was what I needed, because growth and change can’t happen without it. Hope is what gives us the energy to keep trying and the belief that things WILL improve.

It took some time, but I can definitely say I eventually found the hope I needed to pull myself out. Yes, there are still days where I flounder… There are still days when I don’t understand why, and when I would give anything to have Bruce here by my side. But, even then, I can usually find my way back to a positive space.

As I thought about it this week, I came to realize how many people have been there to help me through those tough times. In the beginning, it was so easy to get caught up in who wasn’t there. But that wasn’t really fair… I had no idea what was going in their world or why things happened as they did. Instead, the important thing is who has been there.

Also, here is the other thing, it really wasn’t what anyone said that made a difference… It was the gift of presence… The gift of just being there. Granted, there were people who wanted to “say the right thing,” and I understand that desire. But honestly, there is no “right thing” to say. When you lose someone, it hurts… The pain is awful! And there are no words that can make that pain stop… not one word. Instead, those words would usually just shut me down, which was worse.

In fact, I would say that the greater the pain, the fewer words are actually needed… Instead, just give me that gift of presence… That willingness for someone else to come alongside and share the pain… That was the greatest gift given to me by so many people… And that is a gift I am so grateful for on this end.

But that’s not all…

When I received the news of my neighbor’s death this week, there were things mentioned about not questioning “God’s plan” and fighting the urge to “correct God.” I know a lot of people think about death this way… Shoot, I did too when Bruce first died… and all it did was make me very angry at God.

It took me a long time to realize, God doesn’t work like that… To my way of thinking, he doesn’t like death either… It was never a part of his original plan. In fact, according to my faith, He has still provided a “loop hole” (if you will), when it comes to life and death. In other words, He gets it! He hurts when we hurt… He understands our pain, and he would never create that… So, no, I don’t believe God moves us around on some giant game board until he decides our time is over. That would be a God I wouldn’t be very interested in… period.

Instead, as I was reading my devotions this week, I came across several verses about the blessings God gives us, and they touched my heart. For example, here are a couple:

“In all things, God works for the good of those who love him.” ~ Romans 8:28

“I will bless you with a future filled with hope – a future of success, not suffering.” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

It took me years to let go of old beliefs and get to this understanding. However, by doing so, hope came back in my horizon, and that has meant a world of difference to me. To understand, there is a God who wants to bless me not hurt me… Who can turn something good out of something bad, has changed my whole outlook on life.

For example, with this latest twist in my journey, there have been days when I have struggled with the “why me” of it all and how to do this without Bruce. Yet, in my heart I know I am not alone, and something good can and will come of all this.

Even this week as I have dealt with the aftermath of my second chemo round, I found myself realizing just how blessed I am… Yes, there are side effects. But all told, I have come off pretty easy. Not only that, but once again, I have some amazing people who are here for me… Some physically; some in spirit. I am so blessed to have so many people who check on me, do for me and send messages of encouragement and hope; my life is filled with the gift of presence in so many forms.

For me, these people are my gifts… They are the blessings God has sent to see me through… and I am so very grateful for each and every one…

Thank you for being my blessing in this storm!

What about you? Did you or have you ever struggled with the idea of finding blessing while facing loss? We all know it isn’t easy… How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Learning to be thankful again

Next week is Thanksgiving… that means being thankful… saying, “Thank you” to God for all he has done for us…

For me, Thanksgiving always meant the beginning of the Christmas season. I always looked forward to watching the parade… my favorite part of the morning. Because we were always cooking, (no matter where we lived or how much trouble it was), Bruce would always move the TV so I could see it and enjoy the parade. As soon as the parade ended, I would (finally) get to play the first Christmas music. It was always the same CD, Peter Paul and Mary’s: A Holiday Celebration… Admittedly, still my favorite. Next came Bruce’s favorite, John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together. After that it was usually time for football, food and family. It was always a wonderful day… one I loved and treasured…

until…

The first year after Bruce passed away, I skipped Thanksgiving. I was still so deep in grief that I couldn’t imagine saying “Thank you” to God. I still felt so abandoned… I was still so very angry. “Thank you” was not anywhere in me… not for this… not for a life without Bruce.

Instead, I spent that first Thanksgiving with my youngest daughter and her boyfriend at Disney. It worked. I was with family (a good thing) but I didn’t have to think about the holiday (mission accomplished).

I didn’t have to think about what it had been and what it would never be again.

Last year I got brave. The feelings of abandonment and anger were gone for the most part. My second daughter convinced me it was time to join the rest of the world and celebrate… and say “Thank you.”

I spent the holiday with her, my grandson and son-in-law. Here is a small part of what I wrote in my journal that day:

Hi Babe! I can’t believe it’s Thanksgiving – my second one without you. This year is hard because I miss you, but I feel welcome and wanted here… I feel loved! I decided to actually celebrate the day this year. We included you in our dinner by bringing in your picture and lighting six candles with the prayer I used each day when you first died.

It ended up being such a good day… tons of food and drink, the parade, playing with Bubba and NAPS! lol!

I came to realize last year that I can celebrate the holidays, but they are different now. So many of the traditions that were important are not as important now, while others are still intact as I share them with my kids and grandson.

But now there is a new tradition at each holiday… remembering Bruce. I mentioned it in the journal entry above and I will include it here. I am not sure where I found it… it is not my idea, but I love it. Perhaps you too are looking for a way to include your loved one this season…

Memorial prayer with 6 candles:

Prayer – We light six candles in honor of you.

(Light candle 1) – This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It is a reminder of the depth of our love for you.

(Light candle 2) – This candle represents our courage – to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other and to change our lives.

(Light candle 3) – This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things we did and the caring and joy you gave us.

(Light candle 4) – This candle is the light of love. Day by day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. Thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us.

(Light candle 5) – This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you that are ours forever.

(Light candle 6) – This candle is the light of eternity – for the day when we will see you again in all God’s glory. We will be together again. We will have healthy, whole bodies and can explore the wonders of heaven together.

May the light of the Lord be our source of hopefulness now and forever. I love you! Amen

This is my way of still including Bruce… my way of making sure he is not forgotten. How do you include your loved ones in your celebrations? I would love to hear from you… Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

NOTE: Due to family time, I will be off schedule this week and next. I posted early this week and will be posting late next week. Thank you for understanding my need to enjoy my precious time with those I love.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief