“No one is forgotten as long as there are two people – one to tell the story and another to listen.” ~ Diana Gabaldon, Drums of Autumn
When I read this quote this week, all I could think was “Yes!” … That is why I write this every week. Well, to be honest, I write for many reasons. I write for my own emotional release… I write to help others understand one perspective of the grief experience… And I write so that Bruce is not forgotten… so that his story will always exist somewhere… He was real. He loved us. And we loved him… I loved him… I still love him.
So, on this Father’s Day, despite everything going on around me, that is what I want to think about today… him. I read recently that all families have stories of origin – of how they came to be. For many families, these are the stories that are told around the table or shared at family gatherings. This is that story for us… The story of the man who became a real father to my children.
His Love
A love that is pure
A love that sees who you CAN be,
Not who you are in that moment.
A love with no strings attached;
No conditions, no rules…
Just a love that is,
From a man who embodied love…
pure, complete love.
~ Linda, November 24, 2013
Because Bruce and I were not married until later in life, we both came to the marriage with our own children. His daughter at the time was about the same age as my youngest. She was (and still is) a beautiful young woman with a gentle heart. I brought four children into our marriage. At the time, two were college age and two were in high school. Obviously, I think the moon was hung just for them, but I’m a little partial.
So, when I tell this story, I am not talking about genetics or biology. I am talking about a man who grew to love my kids unconditionally – no judgement, no preconceived ideas, or expectations – nothing but love. This is our family’s story… Another piece of Bruce’s story… A story I can tell because I was there. This is the story of a man who came into our lives for just a brief moment in time and changed everything we thought we knew about families and fathers.
However, to understand his impact, let me back up a little bit…
When I left my children’s biological father, my intent was to get my children out of a dysfunctional and unsafe home. All I wanted was to see them safe and protected. The court psychologist agreed and recommended no visitation or parental rights for my ex-husband. There is a lot more to this but suffice it to say that my ex agreed not to fight it, if he could walk away with 2/3 of our assets. I agreed… Essentially, I bought a life of peace and safety for my children, and it was the best deal I ever made.
After the divorce, I wasn’t looking for anyone or any type of relationship. However, when I met Bruce, all my plans flew out the window. We had an instant connection, and ten months later, we were married. However, because we had lived 1000 miles apart, my kids hadn’t had a lot of time to get to know him very well. They had met him and knew who he was, but they didn’t really know him… not yet.
I wanted things to work for our new family, so I started researching and reading everything I could find on step-parenting and blended families. I wanted so badly for everything to go well. Everything I read said it would take at least two years for our family to develop the relationships and new roles needed to function as a true family… and that was if things went well.
Bruce, on the other hand, had watched his own daughter struggle for years in a step-family relationship. He had his own concept of how he wanted to do this and (as far as I know) never read a single thing about step-families. Yet, he knew exactly what to do, and he did it consistently. He never pushed, and he never tried to be their father. He just spent his time being available… available to talk or listen or whatever they needed.
My kids had been through a lot… Their expectations were… Well, honestly, I couldn’t tell you what their expectations were – maybe they had no expectations. However, I can tell you that it didn’t take long before Bruce’s gentle spirit and unconditional acceptance of who they were captured their hearts and helped heal so many hurts. I can also tell you that within six months, our family was a solid unit with my kids referring to Bruce as their father… In other words – he was amazing!
Those few months are what this story is about… It is the story of how Bruce went from being a father of one to a father of five without missing a beat…
When I had moved to Michigan to marry Bruce, my youngest daughter was the only one to come with me. My oldest daughter had recently graduated college and was just starting out on her own. My second daughter was away at college. And my son was in the middle of his senior year, already 18 and did not want to move… So, to say my youngest daughter was angry about the whole situation would be an understatement.
The night we arrived in Michigan, Bruce was so excited we were there. After two days of traveling, we arrived at his door tired and hungry. He greeted the two of us with smiles and hugs. My daughter pushed him aside, went straight to her new room, shut the door and remained there. I apologized to Bruce, but he only smiled and gave the same response I would hear for the next few months, “There is nothing to apologize for… She is angry, and I can understand that. Besides, my shoulders are big enough to take it.”
Much later, (years later), I learned he had left her a note on her bed that night saying just about the same thing. He told her that he was not trying to replace anyone or be her Dad. But he was here, and he would always be here… for her… no matter what.
When she tells this story, she will tell you that she tore that note up immediately. She will also tell you that she put his words to the test… and let me tell you, she did. She tried everything to make him not like her… much less love her. But he was true to his word… he never wavered, no matter what she tried. The amazing part happened several months later on Father’s Day…
By this time, Bruce and I had known each other for about a year and a half and had been married for just 7 months. While my other kids were developing their own (positive) relationships with Bruce, my youngest had been giving him quite a run for his money. In fact, by this point, we were both resigned to the idea that this “family” thing might take a while… A looong while…
But, as they say, “Fate moves in mysterious ways.” Bruce and I had gone to church that morning, and when we returned home, there was my youngest with a tray of homemade cookies and a card on top for “Dad.” As she handed the tray to him, she sheepishly asked him if it was okay. Instantly, he pulled her into a great, big bear hug, as we all wiped the tears out of our eyes.
For me, my love for Bruce grew even more (as if that were possible) in that moment. After all, how can a woman not love a man who loves her children like his own. But, how did he manage to do that? How did he make such a significant difference in such a brief time?
He did it by being Bruce… By being himself… a big, gentle giant of a man with a heart that would not quit. Over the short time we were together, he built positive relationships with each of my kids. With my oldest (who was already a young adult), it was a peaceful, friendly relationship. I remember on one visit she introduced us to her neighbor as her mom and dad. The neighbor said, “Wow, you look just like your dad.” She didn’t try to correct him or explain. Instead, she and Bruce just smiled like Cheshire cats and hugged each other tight.
My second daughter and Bruce were tight from the very first time they met. She had picked him up at the airport near her college and driven him the two hours back home to see me. During that drive, she told him that she was glad to see her mom so happy, and she really liked him. Then, she went on to tell him that if he ever broke my heart or hurt me, she would “open a can of ‘whoop-a$$’ on him.” He used to laugh when he told that story, because she isn’t much taller than me and just as petite. He absolutely loved her fire and energy for life, and they were best buds from that day forward.
When her son was born, he also instantly bonded with his “Papa.” They would play and “hang out” for hours. In Bruce’s eyes, that boy could do no wrong. To this day, my grandson still talks about his Papa, and insists that his Papa is his guardian angel, (which makes me smile). The bond between those two is so strong it even seems to transcend this life.
My son was with me on the cruise when Bruce and I met. He was the world’s best chaperone on that trip. I love to tell the story of when he saw Bruce holding my hand. He was so serious, (but it completely cracked me up), when he commented, “I saw that man holding your hand… A little cheeky, don’t you think?” Cheeky?? What 17-year-old says, “cheeky?”
Within no time, though, my son let his guard down and stopped trying to “protect” his mom. It didn’t take long for the two of them to build a solid relationship. A relationship which was such a blessing for my son. For the first time, he had the experience of a healthy, male role model and friend… a man to show him “how to be a good and caring man”… a man to show him how to treat a woman… all things I could never do as his mother.
From the beginning, Bruce was willing to do whatever was needed to move our family forward… anything from teaching teenagers to drive and helping with homework to offering unconditional love and acceptance as they tried to figure out how they each fit into this world. It was an amazing experience! How could a woman not love a man who loves her children so completely? And what did we give to Bruce in return? A family… a big family… and all the love and craziness that comes with that.
That was my husband… That was the man who became my children’s father… That was the man who built this family. That is the man I refuse to forget and whose stories I love to tell. So as another Father’s Day comes and goes, I will tell you what I have told Bruce every year…
“Thank you, Babe, for being a Dad to my kids… being a Dad is so much more than biology… It is a life-long commitment. Thank you for stepping into their lives and showing them what a healthy man and a healthy marriage looks like. Thank you for loving us all unconditionally – no judgement, no preconceived expectations – nothing but love. You were the missing piece in our family. In our short time together, you taught us so much and brought healing where we did not think it was possible. You forever changed our lives. I have told you every day and I will say it again, ‘You are my hero and I will love you forever!‘”
Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our memories that bring tears and the memories that make us smile… each one precious in its own way. What better way to remember and honor those we love than by sharing their stories? What are some of your favorite memories? What are the stories you love to tell so that your loved one is not forgotten? If you aren’t ready to share your stories or you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
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