mourning – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… Dear Me

When I opened Face Book earlier this week, there was a “memory” waiting for me… an “On This Day” moment. The year was 2012… exactly one month prior to Bruce’s death. That was the Christmas we had decided to give each other a trip to Jamaica instead of gifts, and that was the day Bruce had booked the trip. We were both so excited… We had no idea that was one trip we would never take… Instead, time ran out for us.

When I saw the post, I started thinking, “You had no idea… You were so excited, but you had no idea your whole world was about to fall apart.” Then I thought, what if the “current me” could write a letter to the “past me?” Well, first of all, I wouldn’t actually want the past me to receive the letter until after Bruce’s death. Why ruin those last few beautiful weeks together? I’ve always been pretty certain he knew his time was short, but chose not to tell me. As time has passed, I have actually come to understand the wisdom in that… So, then… what would I say?

There is so much that came to mind…

Written today, to be opened on 1/14/2012:

(As the country song says…) Dear younger me,

This is you… Well, it’s me, but I’m you… Five years older but still you. I wanted to write this mostly to let you know, you’re going to be okay. I know you haven’t even thought about that yet. Shoot, I know you haven’t even truly wrapped your brain around what has happened yet. That’s okay… You’re in shock, and you’re numb. It’s your mind’s way of protecting you right now, and you need that. Your family and friends think you’re being strong. I know better… I know you haven’t even come to terms with the idea that this is real.

You are just starting on what is called a grief journey… FYI – It sucks! Sorry, but I’ve got to be honest here. You are about to go through the hardest thing ever!

One of the first things you will realize on this journey is people are going to let you down. It’s what people do to each other… We don’t mean to, but we do… and they will. Just like your divorce, the people you imagine will be there for you, will either step back a little or back away completely. It’s going to hurt, and you’re going to be mad… But, trust me, you need to let it go. Just like you, they really are doing the best they can… They just don’t get it.

Also, like your divorce, there will be others who you would never have imagined will be there for you. They will step out of nowhere and stand solidly beside you. Appreciate and love them… They are a gift!

As for your family,… they will be there for you – all of them. You will read a lot of articles that will tell you your in-laws will back out of your life. Don’t panic! Bruce’s family will stay by your side… They love you (and it’s a forever kind of love).

Another thing about grief is the way every nerve… every fiber of your being feels raw. You will feel out of sorts for a long time. I am five years ahead of you, and I still have days where I struggle. I’m not sure if this ever goes away completely, but it will get better. However, the worst part of this “raw” feeling is everything will hurt your feelings, and everything will make you cry. You will feel like you are losing your mind, but I promise, you’re not. It’s normal… It’s all a part of grieving… And it will get better. (A word to the wise, though: Be careful what you say when you are upset… Try taking a breath… or two… or three before you speak.)

In the beginning, you will feel a lot of guilt about Bruce’s death. Don’t! The Medical Examiner will call you (much) later to tell you, but you need to know now. You couldn’t save him. You did the best you could, but when his heart stopped, nothing was going to make it start again. He needed a transplant… CPR (whether from you or a professional) would not have made a difference. So, stop blaming yourself for not saving him… Just stop!

Here’s another thing… You will be very angry… Angry with what happened… Angry at the world… Angry with God… Just VERY angry. You’re going to deny it, but it’s really okay. Some people will tell you it’s wrong or a sin to be mad at God. Poppycock! God’s shoulders are big, and he knows you are hurting. And as time passes, you will actually find your faith is stronger… different, but stronger. That is because it will be completely yours… Not something you were told to believe, but instead, it will be based on your own experiences and your own path… This path. It will take a while, but you will come out stronger on the other side. (FYI – There will be a few people who will judge you for this… Pretty harshly, actually. That’s okay. That is their issue – not yours. Just let it go and move on.)

Here’s another thing… For the record, those “stages of grief” you will be reading about are B.S. First of all, those were written for people who are trying to accept their own impending death… not someone who is grieving a loss… not you. Don’t get me wrong, you will feel all those things, but not in any given order and not like a “one and done” checklist. Your emotions will be all over the board… At first, it will feel like being battered by a rough tide with no way out of the water. You will feel like you are being pounded by one wave after another and not way to catch your breath. However over time, the waves will be further and further apart… Still there – just further apart.

This is getting long, so I’m going to leave you with this last thought…

The first year will be the hardest… It will feel like hell! There will be real, physical pain… There will be times when your heart will literally ache, and other times when you will feel like you can’t even breathe. You will experience a loneliness you never even imagined could exist. You will find yourself falling to your knees in the middle of your house and crying for hours until there are no tears left… only pure exhaustion.

During this year, you will wonder why you are still here. You will wonder if you still have a purpose. Each day will look like the one before… gray and hopeless. There will be days, you will beg God to take you, too… Or beg Bruce to come back to get you. All of that is okay… You’re not losing it… But trust me when I tell you to hang in there. You are still needed… You need to do a little healing first… But you definitely still have a purpose. I won’t tell you what, but trust me, you still have a reason for being here.

There is a lot more I would like to say… and a lot more you will learn. However, that’s just it… A lot of this you will need to figure out as you go. You will always love Bruce, and you will always feel him nearby – Hang on to that during those tough moments.

And keep in mind… You will always grieve, because that is the price of love. (Hokey, but true.) But I promise, while you may not think so right now, you really will be okay. In fact,… one day you will even know joy and laughter again. I promise!

Be kind to yourself… and remember you are loved!
Me…

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. What about you? Is there something more you would want to say? What would you tell yourself if you had the chance? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone.

Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… A Time to Grieve

… a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance…
~ Ecclesiastes 3:4

At the beginning of this journey, I felt like I cried all the time… I can’t even begin to explain how deep the pain went. I remember people talking about my “emotional pain,” but I can tell you my heart hurt… I mean literally, physically hurt. In fact, it hurt so badly I thought I would definitely die of a broken heart… and I missed Bruce so much, I was okay with that…

But I didn’t die…

Instead, I had to learn how to keep going… how to keep living. As time passed, I learned to “handle” my grief (so to speak). Since most of the world seemed uncomfortable with it, I got better at keeping my grief to myself… I’m still not perfect at keeping it to myself. (I definitely have my off days.) But for the most part, I manage to keep it private… (With the exception of what I choose to share here, of course.)

After a year or so, I learned the best way to keep it under control was to allow myself some “grieving time” each day. It didn’t have to be a lot of time, or a certain amount of time, or at a certain time, but each day I knew I would allow myself some time to open my heart and let the feelings come.

Some days that meant remembering happier days filled with laughter, which could leave me smiling, or crying of loneliness from losing a part of my soul. Some days it meant putting on “our song,” closing my eyes and dancing with Bruce again (even if it was only in my mind). There were times when I simply sat on the floor in the middle of our home, looking at our space surrounding me and questioning why he left me here alone and crying… And other times, I would write in my journal for hours telling Bruce about all the things he was missing… and how much I was missing him… how much I was missing us.

Through the years, I still find this time to be important for my own sanity. There are still days when I miss him so much and it takes everything in me to just get out of the bed, but allowing myself some time to honestly feel what I feel even for just a little while, makes a huge difference.

I don’t know if it is the time of year or just life itself, but things have gotten busier and busier lately. This week, for example, has been absolutely crazy! My work days were longer than normal – much longer – which meant finding time for myself did not happen… And I could feel it.

By the end of the week, I had not managed any time to grieve… no time to sit and remember… no time to let myself feel and release those feelings… no time to let go… and find peace.

There are some people in my life who might think that is good. It is best to stop dwelling on it… But it was not good… Not for me. Instead, I found myself feeling anxious and overwhelmed… crying over things that weren’t worth tears and wondering why I am still here. That is not a good place to be and it is not where I like to live my life. And to be honest, I don’t believe that is what any of us are called to…

We are told there is “a time for everything… A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.” But, there is no definition for the “time,” and I believe that is on purpose. For some, that time may be less or more frequent than for others. But that time – that space – is important for all of us at some point in our lives. For me, at this point, I still need it… and that’s really okay.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need to cry all day, and I don’t necessarily cry every day. What I do need is just a little bit of time each day to sit quietly and think… and remember. I need time to be thankful for what was… and to not only accept what is, but to embrace it and be thankful for what is ahead… That isn’t an easy space to find, but when I allow myself the time, I can usually get there…

There is a peace that comes with acceptance
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Linda, September 2013

For most of us, the grief journey is a hard one. Learning to navigate the path is different for everyone. I am simply sharing what works for me in the hope that someone else who needs it might find the strength they need, as well. Does any of this sound familiar? Do you take time to grieve? I know that can look different for different people. What about you?

If you need a hand, let us know… we are here for you. If you have found a positive way through this, would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Don’t cry…

Don’t cry… Most of us have heard this all our lives. As a child when a favorite toy was lost… “Don’t cry.” When a pet was lost or your best friend moved… “Don’t cry.” As a teen, when your first love broke your heart… “Don’t cry.” And even as an adult when life throws you a curve ball… “Don’t cry.”

Don’t get me wrong… For the most part, I don’t remember hearing this in a reprimanding tone. It was always said gently and with love. It is a “normal” response, I suppose, when someone is crying. But, honestly, did it ever stop your tears? … Because it never stopped mine.

In fact, this week while watching TV, I heard a mother consoling her adult daughter with those exact words… and it made me think… Why? Why not cry? Why is it so wrong to cry as a response to hurt and loss? Why do we do that to each other?

I remember when Bruce died, people were patient with my tears for a little while… a very little while. After just a few short weeks, I started hearing the words “don’t cry” a lot. Most of the time it was said gently, and I knew it was meant to console. However, there were others who, I believe, were simply uncomfortable with the tears… or truly felt that it was downright wrong to cry. I heard it stated so many ways, such as:

“Don’t cry. You’re not the only one to ever lose someone.”
“Don’t cry. If you have faith, you should believe he’s in a better place.”
“Don’t cry. You can choose to feel better or have a better attitude.”
“Don’t cry in the office or in public. It looks weak.”
“Don’t cry. Be strong.”
“Don’t cry. What will others think?”

Good grief! What will others think? Wouldn’t they think I am sad because my husband died? Is that so bad?

If you listen closely to each of these reasons not to cry, shame is at the core. Which makes me wonder why shame become the tool used to dispel grief? What a crazy place this is when we believe there a time limit to tears of grief, and anything beyond that “limit” is wrong. Research has shown us that it is unhealthy to avoid or deny our grief. Yet, society still charges down the “be tough or be shamed” path.

I understand that my tears and grief may make some people uncomfortable, but maybe that is not my responsibility. Maybe that discomfort is created because in our culture most of us have never learned how to deal with grief. Instead. it is treated like a taboo topic… something that is definitely expected up to a point as ling as we don’t get carried away. If one grieves “too long,” shame will begin to seep into the picture.

Honestly, I have been frustrated for a long time with the reality of pushing my feelings down deep in order to make others more comfortable. However, it wasn’t until these last few weeks that I finally realized this shame aspect and how efficiently it works.

My first realization happened with my grandson. We were having a simple conversation about his day when suddenly he burst into tears about a recent loss that cuts deep into his core. We were in the car, and there wasn’t a lot I could do in the moment. As I reached out to hand him a tissue, I ALMOST said it… “Don’t cry, Baby. It will be okay.” But as the thoughts were forming in my mind, I stopped.

No… That was not what I wanted to say, nor what I wanted him to take away from our encounter. Instead, I told him, “It’s okay to cry, Baby. I know it hurts. You go ahead and cry… I’m here with you.” He’s only 7 so the tears didn’t last very long. Hopefully, however, he will remember that his feelings are valid, and it is okay to grieve his loss. As for me, all I could think was how I wished more people had allowed me that small bit of space… space to cry and grieve for a few moments when the pain of my loss crossed my heart.

My second (and more eye opening) realization came a day or two later. I was having one of “THOSE” days… One of those days when I missed Bruce beyond words. One of those days when the pain and grief felt all new and fresh, as if it had happened just yesterday. A day when I would have given my soul for just one more hug… one more smile. .. one more moment.

Yet as sad as I felt, I got up, got dressed and forced a smile to my face as I walked into my office. Only those closest to me could tell something was “off,” and only one or two actually knew what it was. As the day progressed and my mood started cycling lower and lower, I found myself shoving my emotions further and further down and trying to smile that much more. “Don’t let them see your pain today,” I thought. “Don’t cry.”

And I didn’t… Instead, I waited until I was alone in my car heading home… I waited until I felt “safe.” However, when I finally gave myself “permission” to cry, I found I couldn’t… not really. I was sad and I needed to work through all that stuff I had been shoving down all day, but somehow I still couldn’t allow myself to let go. Instead, I was talking myself out of it.

What if someone called and could hear it in my voice? What if someone saw me?
Then it hit me….Oh my gosh! I had let the shame behind all those “don’t cry’s” become so accepted and ingrained, I was doing it to myself! That was nuts! Good heavens! What shame is there in grieving? I know better! I know all those “don’t cry’s” are wrong. Instead, of “don’t cry,” we need to say…

“Go ahead and cry. This hurts… You’re the only one to ever lose this person in this time.”
“Go ahead and cry. Faith has nothing to do with it. God will hold you and comfort you. He understands your pain.”
“Go ahead and cry. You can choose your attitude, and today it is perfectly okay to choose feeling sad. You can choose to feel better or have a better attitude another day or another time.”
“Go ahead and cry in the office. It is not weak… It is honest and vulnerable… That takes real courage.”
“Go ahead and cry. That takes real strength.”
“Go ahead and cry. Who cares what others may think?”

This lesson has taken me a while, but I have finally realized that it takes more strength and courage to be honest about my grief than to hide it. There may even be a lot of people who will disagree… But I would bet most of them have never walked one step (much less a mile) in my moccasins (as the saying goes).

So… If there is one thing I have learned from all of this “don’t cry” business, it is this…

It is okay and normal to express grief with tears. It takes courage and strength to lay it out there for the world with no apologies. So… if you ever find yourself consoling someone or being consoled, drop the “don’t.” Instead,…

Go ahead and cry…

What about you? Did anyone ever tell you “don’t cry?” Are you still struggling with the shame of grieving past society’s “approved time limit?” Do you need support in that area? Or would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… The tiger in a cage

I am learning.
Healing is finding peace within myself…
Not trying to draw it in from others…
Linda, Septermber 15, 2013

Grief is one of those things that people try to understand while at the same time trying to avoid the experience. I remember being told to “give it time.” In time, my “heart would heal.” However, some people (and books) were actually daring enough to admit that the pain would never completely heal… I remember reading that it would be more like a scar that still caused a dull ache every now and then.

Perhaps both of those experiences are true for some people – however, not for me. After three years, I can say without a doubt, it still hurts… a lot! For me, grief is more like a caged tiger… You may think you have it under control, but you must check the strength of the bars daily just to be safe.

Soon after Bruce passed away, I started tracking my dreams in my journal. I have always believed that our dreams subconsciously tell us a lot about what we are really thinking and feeling. They are our mind’s way of processing our life and emotions. Writing and tracking my dreams has allowed me to acknowledge and deal with a lot of emotions throughout this journey. I wrote about one of those dreams on the morning of January 24, 2013, just two weeks after Bruce’s death.

I don’t think I can survive this. Everyone says I’m doing great, I’m gonna be okay, I’m strong… but I don’t think so. This is more than I can bear. My heart is in pieces. I can’t even breathe and to move feels like a huge chore… This pain is too intense. No wonder some people die of a broken heart. Survival is such a struggle right now… You were my whole world… and now my world is gone.

I woke up last night about 11:30, and the song, The Hurt and the Healer, was playing. (I’ve never heard it before.) Before I woke up, I was dreaming I was on a playground, curled up in one of those baby swings. My guardian angel was pushing the swing and gently coaxing me to climb out. Then, he started singing that song, and I woke up… I think that dream and that song were sent to me for comfort…

This dream was all about my “tiger”… But I don’t believe it was “in its cage” yet. I was only a few weeks into this journey – I was still numb and raw and struggling for air. This was the dream of a woman who wanted to quit… But my life has become a testament of that same woman who has refused to quit.

As I said, for me, grief is like a tiger in a cage. One must learn to live with that tiger because ignoring it is denial and that holds a different set of dangers. Instead, one must learn to be courageous, and acknowledge it. However, never think the tiger has become tame enough for you to simply leave the door open or to go into the cage and sit peacefully beside it. No, it will always be dangerous… It will still devour you if you allow the opportunity.

In the last year, I have learned to decide my attitude before the day begins. I have learned to keep my tiger in its cage by starting the day with gratitude before my feet ever hit the floor. I have learned to be very careful about the first things I “feed” my mind in the morning. I stay away from email, Facebook, the news, or anything that might move my thoughts in a negative direction before I have had time to remember the blessings still surrounding me.

Before I started this practice and on the days I forget, it is like opening that tiger’s cage. It is dangerous territory. There is a saying that the things we focus on, expand. So for me, when the negative stuff is the first thing in, my mind starts to focus on that. Soon that focus turns to my grief and pain… And before I know it, the pain has expanded and takes over my day (or several days).

The other thing I must remember is that I will impact every person I encounter in a day… So my first choice of the day will not only impact me, it will impact everyone I meet, as well. It is up to me to decide if that impact will be a positive or a negative one.

I know that my grief and my pain were never my choice… That is my “tiger.” However, how I deal with it, my attitude and my daily outlook IS my choice. So, whether I choose to let that tiger loose or place it safely in its cage, is up to me.

I am responsible daily for choosing my attitude… And that attitude will determine the impact I have on the world around me.

I don’t always make the right choice… Some days I open up that cage, walk right in and sit for a while. But as time goes on, I am spending less and less time in that cage…

And that is my choice.

Do you have a story to share? A story about coming to terms with your grief? A story of your own tiger and how you handle it?

Please share your story with us… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… And time moves on

It Still Hurts

Sometimes I can’t breathe for the pain of it.
Other times I smile and laugh at the thought of our memories.
You were always that way…
making me smile or laugh when I wanted to cry…
when the pain was so bad.
Now my heart hurts…
truly, physically hurts with the missing of you.
I feel your soul;
I know you are here.
But I need to see your eyes and your smile;
Feel the comfort of your arms.
I want to breathe in your presence
and feel your love in all these things.
But that isn’t to be…
All I have are the memories;
The memories of our love…
And…
Sometimes I can’t breathe for the the pain of it.
~ Linda, Oct. 19, 2013

I remember when I wrote that poem. It had been 10 months since Bruce died. For the rest of the world, their lives were back in order. (At least that is the way I saw it.) But, not for me. My life was still upside down. I was still experiencing all the “dreaded firsts,” and I still had 2 more months to go before I would finish that “first year.”

I don’t know why, but there is a notion or a feeling that if you can get through (aka survive) that first year, it will all be okay… You will feel better… Life will start to feel normal again.

That, my friends, is a lie.

I remember starting that second year with so much hope that I would feel better, cry less and hurt less. But what I found was I still grieved; I still cried, and I still hurt. Life was still marching forward, but I still seemed to be out of step with the rest of the world.

On January 23, 2014, (after the one year anniversary of Bruce’s death) I wrote:

Good morning , Babe… Sad today… miss you so much. I know I’m doing better ’cause I have more and more good days, but today I am sad… went to bed sad, cried most of the night and woke up sad… Something about walking into the bedroom and knowing that I was crawling in to this bed without you… again, was too much. I just miss you! I try not to let myself dwell on it too much because it gets me too down, but other times, I need to let it out… It’s been forever since I felt the touch of your love, Babe.

A few days later on February 4, I wrote:

Hi Babe! Loving you this morning… I cried myself to sleep (again) last night. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever not cry myself to sleep… or miss you so bad my heart feels like it will rip in half. Still kinda teary this morning. The thing is – now (because it has been more than a year) I feel like I have to hide it… It is so frustrating!

Even this week, I found myself struggling and wrote:

Hi, Babe! I am really missing you tonight! How can this be real? Here I am – 3 years later – and still half expecting you to walk though the door – OR – to wake up and find this has been one horrible nightmare. I sit here at my desk looking at pictures of us and I remember all the smiles and all the love. I’ll never understand why it had to end or how to make the hurting stop. I think… No, I know, what we had was so special and I’ll never stop loving you! It took us so long to find each other that we never took “us” for granted. I have no regrets for how we spent our time together. But I never thought our time together would be so short. It went by so fast.

Why am I sharing this? What is the point?

My point is this – the pain never really goes away. It is as if you broke a leg but never had it set correctly… it just healed as it was. You learn to live with it… You learn to laugh and walk and maybe even run, but it is never the same.

Over the last 3 years, I have learned to crawl, then walk… and even run. I have learned to laugh again. I have learned to dance again. I have learned to live life again. I have learned to trust that God or the universe or whatever you want to call it has not abandoned me, is not against me nor is he punishing me… In fact, he loves me and has my back.

I know I was blessed… I know I still am. Bruce’s purpose on this earth was completed before mine, and that is a sad reality that I have to accept. ( But I hate it!) However, the fact that we had a life together at all is a miracle.

I have come to understand that my life now is determined by my perspective… Some days are easier than others. Some days are harder than others… and that is actually normal. But ultimately… it is my choice.

What do I know… even when days are hard?

I know there are still lessons for me to learn and a purpose for me to explore.

If you have experienced loss, you have probably learned lessons, too. This is our community, please share your story with us. Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences by going to the comments and leaving a note.*

Maybe you learned something different… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… What do you do with “the stuff?”

From the very beginning, grief seems to be a constant battle concerning “what do I do about ____?” One could spend hours, maybe days filling in that blank. There are so many things that pop up, and immediately, you find yourself asking, “What do I do about that?” (Grief finds you so unprepared!)

I tend to be a research fanatic so even from the start I always went straight to my books or the internet looking for the “proper” answer… society’s answers. What would society tell me is the “right” response?… The “acceptable” behavior?

It’s funny, but nine times out of ten, my research would produce a “do-what’s-right-for-you” answer. That was reassuring, but the problem was this…

So many people in my life had not experienced loss like this yet and had not read the same research. They had their own ideas of what I should do. Up until a few months ago, that was devastating to me, because I wanted to be a “good widow” and do “what’s right.” But at the same time, I needed to be true to me… true to my heart.

Nowadays, I must admit, I don’t really care what society says is right or what someone else thinks I should do… I don’t really pay any attention or let it get to me. I appreciate that everyone has an opinion, but only because that means I do too… and mine is as valid as anyone else’s. In fact, I’ve come to realize that for me and my situation, mine is the only valid opinion.

For example, when Bruce passed away, he (obviously) left his “stuff” behind. He was a minimalist, so there wasn’t a lot, which only made those few items seem more precious to me.

In the first few weeks, I was too numb to even accept that he was gone. How could I even consider divvying up his belongings? I knew I wasn’t the only one grieving, and I knew others wanted something of his to remember him by, but I wasn’t ready… I couldn’t do it. People asked, and I said, “No.”

I wasn’t trying to be cruel or unfeeling. But, I had not come to terms with his death yet… There was a huge part of me that still expected him to walk through the door at any minute. How could I give away his stuff?

As I said, I did a lot of reading about what was the “right” thing to do. I found that some families actually went and cleared out the house without asking the widow(er) while they were out. Some people were okay with that; others were devastated. (I know myself… I would have been furious!) Thankfully, my family did not do this! (In fact, they never moved a single item without asking.)

Other widow(er)s came straight home from the funeral and packed up everything themselves. (But this was their choice, not someone else’s.) Still others left everything exactly as is for years, (even after remarrying). I knew none of those felt right for me. Then one day, I found a writer who said she had gone through things a little at a time, as she was ready.

Now, that was for me!

It took me months before I could actually start giving his things away with a loving heart and no regrets. The first few items went to his daughter, his parents and his sisters. Then, a few items to my kids and our grandson. After the one year mark, I knew I was ready to go through the rest of it and make some decisions.

I have a wonderful neighbor/friend who came and sat with me as I went through each item, one by one. She didn’t pick up things and take over, or tell me what to do… She was just there for support. If I asked about something, she would look at it objectively (with her expertise in antiques and collectibles) and give me an appraiser’s opinion. But she never told me what to do with it. She was just there to listen (as I shared memories), give me hugs and hand me tissues.

I spent a weekend going through everything of his. This may sound strange but there were a lot of boxes that I had never looked inside. Bruce was a very private man, and we had married later in life. So, I had always considered certain things private and respected that. I always felt that if and when he wanted to share the items in those boxes with me, he would.

But then he was gone… now, I had to do this myself. I must say that when I opened these boxes, I felt like I was invading his privacy on the one hand, and yet on the other hand, I was learning so much more about the man I love and what he thought was precious. In some ways, I was meeting a part of him for the first time… To say it was felt a bit strange would be an understatement.

“They” say, “Dead men don’t keep secrets.” (“They” aren’t kidding.) There were so many things about Bruce that made sense to me after going through these boxes… These boxes of things he found precious and important enought to keep. I had always loved him, but I came to understand him so much better.

By the end of the weekend, I had three piles… one to donate, one of specific items to give to specific people and one of items to keep. I placed several items on his dresser in our room as a memorial. It is still there today, and I look at these things each day… They remind me of everything that is Bruce. In the middle, there is a candle that I lit everyday for 2.5 years. (Currently, I only light it on special occasions… or when I just want to.)

T-shirts and jeans were his mode of dress. (He only owned one collared shirt… and no tie.) If we went somewhere that required more than a t-shirt, that was a formal occasion! So, I kept all of his t-shirts. Initially, I thought I would make a blanket from these. However, after three years, I find myself still sleeping in them… It is my way of feeling as if he is still holding me at night.

In addition, I kept his jacket and a couple of his favorite sweatshirts. (When I am having a “hard” day, I wear these to feel him close to me… It helps.) I also kept a few other items in a very small plastic bin. These are things such as his favorite hat, a uniform shirt, some personal items and the shoes he wore when we got married.

For the most part these items are just here… part of the backdrop of my life. But when I am having a rough day (or night), they bring me comfort. I can remember my grandmother doing the same at age 90+. I know some people may find these things strange, but I also know it’s all okay.

I know that I am doing the best I can each day… and that is good enough.

If you have experienced loss, you have probably been through this, too. This is our community, so please, share your story with us. Feel free also to share your thoughts and experiences by going to the comments and leaving a note.*

Maybe you did something different… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… I still cry, but somehow it’s not the same

Tears

People ask me if I still cry…
I wake up in the morning with only your picture next to me…
And I cry.

As I get dressed, I think of how you would come in each morning to tell me it was time for you to go as you kissed me…
And I cry.

At work, people make comments about my grief and pain; I smile at them and try to remember that they have no idea what they are saying…
And I cry.

I come home to an empty house and spend the evening alone…
And I cry.

I put on your t-shirt and crawl into our big bed… alone… no one to hold me; no one to kiss me…
And I cry.

So when people ask me if I still cry, I say –
Not all the time…
but sometimes… I still cry

~ Linda, January 18, 2014

Some people will ask… others just assume one way or the other. Either way is okay, but trust me… 2.5 years later – I still cry. Up until a few weeks ago, it was everyday; a few times a day. Unless you have been here and walked this path, I’m not sure if this will make any sense. However, if you are on this path, maybe this will sound familiar.

When Bruce first died, people told me that time would help heal my grief… I’ve learned that is a little bit misleading. Here’s what I mean…

The term “heal” can be misleading because it can mean something different to each person. I thought it meant, I wouldn’t be sad or hurt anymore. I thought it meant that after “some” time, I would go back to being “me” again. But that isn’t how grief has worked out at all.

Experiences change you… Grief changes you… I soon realized that I would NEVER be the “me” I had been before Bruce died.

In the beginning, the pain was so deep and the shock so intense, I felt as if I couldn’t even breathe. Trying to make sense of it all was impossible. I couldn’t understand “why” – Why Bruce? Why us? Why now? Why him and not me? Why was I still here… all alone? None of it made sense.

To say I felt like I was drowning in my own grief would not be an understatement.

As the shock wore off, reality set in and the pain changed as well. I’m not really sure how to describe it… It was still there… it was still deep. Like a wound that never quite heals; always needing care and a fresh bandage.

After a while, it just becomes a part of your life… a part of who you are. That was my grief – It became a part of my everyday life. I thought I was handling it better publicly, although privately not much changed. The pain and sadness were still there.

I started this blog to try to explain some of these emotions… The idea of the emotional chaos that comes with grief. The concept of trying (with every fiber in your being) to just be normal… but knowing you will never be “normal” again.

I wanted people understand that a loss this intense changes you in ways that shake you to the core… That is what is normal… That is what I have been trying to navigate each day – one moment at a time.

In these 2.5 years, I have found myself questioning everything about my life… my faith, my God, other people… even my very existence. Before I trusted everyone… I believed in God’s goodness and always saw the best in other people. But as time passed, the trust that used to be second nature to me seemed to be replaced by feelings of distrust and abandonment.

But, thankfully, that’s not the end of the story…

A few weeks ago, while on a retreat, I had a shift… a shift in my grief and a huge shift in attitude. In those quiet, peace-filled days, I came to realize that Bruce’s death was not some divine punishment. God does not hate me… God and Bruce have not abandoned me. As much as I might not like it, the simple truth is – Bruce had fulfilled his purpose.

He left a beautiful legacy behind by blessing so many lives, especially mine… And that is the other half of the story – my life isn’t over. I need to pick up the baton and keep running… There is a reason Bruce came into my life, and there is a reason I am still here.

I know I will still have sad days… days where I miss Bruce and will still cry. (I had a couple this week.) But it was different this time… I was sad, and I cried, but the feelings of distrust and abandonment were not there… I knew I wasn’t alone. I was just sad – plain and simple.

As I write this, I don’t know what the future will hold. I only know I have to be willing and open to whatever it is… And I find that I am actually excited about whatever is next.

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… A little something for all of us

This holiday weekend was a special time for me… No, I did not spend it with my kids or family or friends. I spent it alone… in retreat… reconnecting. I have called it a Self Retreat when talking to my friends but that really doesn’t convey what this weekend has been all about… it has been about slowing down and reconnecting within.

In life, so many times I find myself caught up in what the world expects of me… maybe you have too. I am referring to that driving feeling that I must make sure everyone else is happy and content before I am “allowed” to consider my own needs. (Anything less would be considered selfish.) For me, these needs show up in many ways – through conversations, phone calls, email, texts, social media… and the list goes on and on…

There is nothing wrong with any of these things, and in all honesty, I believe that my true purpose is one of service to others. I am definitely relationally driven. I am passionate about helping, supporting and serving those around me. It brings me joy… until…

Until I allow it to get out of control… The more I leave my true self behind, the more overwhelmed I become.

When I start letting my own basic need of living a healthy life – physically, spiritually and emotionally – take a back seat to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING then I find myself in trouble. I find myself becoming tired, run down, unfocused and resentful.

For many women, this is especially true since we are raised to be the care-takers, the nurturers and the givers… it seems to be somewhere in our nature to take care of everyone else first, which rarely leaves any time for ourselves. Yet, we are not victims to anyone but ourselves… After all, we are the ones that let it get out of hand.

Have you flown on a commercial airline lately? Do you recall the instructions in the pre-flight safety speech? If the oxygen masks fall, put yours on first. Then, assist anyone around you, such as children. Why do they say this? Well, if we do not put our mask on first, (before we pass out) there is a very good chance, we will not get anyone’s mask on at all. It may feel selfish to take care of ourselves first, but a lot of people could end up paying a high price if we do not.

It is the same in life. When we neglect ourselves – physically, spiritually and emotionally – we are not the only ones to pay for it. The people around us will also pay part of that price. Why? Because if we do not take care of ourselves (in these three areas), eventually we have nothing left to give to anyone.

Hence, my Re-connection Retreat this weekend… Throughout year 2 of this grief journey, I did this about every other month. However, this 3rd year, I haven’t done it at all… not one time… and I have felt it. I have noticed myself at odds with my own emotions. I have been busy doing… but not living. Rarely, have I been busy doing the things that bring me joy. Instead, I have been busy doing what I perceive as the expectations of the world around me.

So what am I doing to turn that back around? Well the first step is to reset some boundaries… boundaries on my time. When I fail to claim some time for myself, others unknowingly jump in and “use” that time for me. My initial reaction is resentment, but that isn’t fair. It is my responsibility to claim my time and hold on to it. I know that I need time for my daily workout (physical), time for my meditation and journaling (spiritual) and finally, some time to be creative (emotional). Without these each day (even if it is only a very small portion of time), I begin to feel lost. I begin to feel disconnected from God and from myself…

That “disconnect” is how I know it is not greed or ego that drives me to do this… it is a Sacred Selfishness (as my coach likes to call it). I know that if I can make my own well-being a priority, I am in a much better place (physically, spiritually and emotionally) to serve and support others.

So how does a person do this? Well, here is how I do it…

Let’s start with this weekend’s retreat, because it is this retreat that creates the “shift” in our thought process. Then we will look at how to take what we learn and experience on retreat and apply it to our daily lives.

Before the weekend:

* To avoid creating any unnecessary alarm or concern, I tell everyone who needs to know that I will not be available throughout the weekend. This usually means texting, sending emails and making an “announcement” on social media, such as Face Book. I don’t go into great detail. I just let everyone know that I am going to “unplug” for a few days.

* Next, I think about what is missing or what I want to do to reconnect. This weekend my plan included a lot of meditation, painting (as in art), writing and running/walking on the beach. (Notice my need for all three components this weekend – spiritual, emotional and physical – sometimes it may be only one or two.) I don’t set a schedule or worry about how much time I spend on each… I just make a list of ideas of things I would like to do and know that I will run a steady cycle of each component throughout the weekend.

* I shop for all the food for the weekend. I recommend healthy food – not junk food. (If you aren’t too sure what is healthy – think about shopping the perimeter of the grocery store – not the aisles.) If you already eat “clean” this isn’t a diet change. However, if you normally eat whatever is fast and easy, this part may take a bit of planning. You don’t want to feel deprived… you want to enjoy the food and feel satisfied. Why do I recommend this? What you eat has a direct correlation on how you feel – eating healthy will have a huge impact on all areas of your life (physical, spiritual and emotional).

* Finally, I take care of any errands or chores that must be done and would usually fall on the weekend. In this way, I guarantee myself that I won’t waste time or energy worrying about them all weekend.

Retreat Time:

* First things first – Unplug… in other words, turn off the world… email, Face Book, the phone, the TV… all of it. Silence the world for a while. It is harder than you might think, but it is worth it… The benefits of leaving the world behind for a few days will be tremendous. These items eat up so much of our time and energy… and generally speaking, not in a positive way.

If this idea feels impossible, keep in mind, humankind has lived thousands of years without these “advancements.” Therefore, we really can last a few days without them, as well. Besides, trust me when I tell you that the world will still be there waiting when your retreat time is over.

* Your physical environment is up to you. I am a very sensual person so the more senses I can “touch” the better. I light candles to create both a visual and aromatic sensation of peace. I either turn on the Soundscapes channel or use a meditation CD (calm music – no words)… This fulfills my auditory sensation of calm.

* Once these things are complete, I recommend starting with a meditation to relieve stress. This is a great way to tune into your body, slow down and set the pace for the rest of the weekend. If you aren’t sure how to meditate, Hay House Radio has several of guided meditations on Face Book. (Yes – that is a cheat, I guess, but their stuff is truly helpful.) There are some wonderful apps and YouTube videos for meditation, as well.

* After that, I go with my heart and “cycle” through each type of activity. For example:

Friday evening, I started with a meditation – something spiritual. First thing Saturday morning, I went for a sunrise run on the beach. This started off being my physical activity, but the beauty of the morning made it spiritual as well. How could I not find myself talking to my God when the beauty of this world he created for us was all around me? It was absolutely the most beautiful sunrise ever!… And God and I were right there in the middle of it.

Afterwards, I came home, ate a healthy breakfast and spent some time in my garden. (For me this is both physical and creative because it is what I love to do.) Then a shower and a healthy snack before I started the cycle again with another meditation time. This time I watched Wayne Dyer’s movie, The Shift, (which was free this week). It was amazing! So much of what he said hit home with me… I know I will watch it several more times throughout this weekend.

And now I am writing – the creative piece again… Get the picture? This Re-connection Retreat weekend is a time to become healthier physically, grow spiritually and express my emotions creatively. It is a chance to get back in touch with who I am and who I was meant to be. (It is so easy to lose sight of that in the day to day business of life.)

So what will I do when this weekend is over? That is a good question – hopefully, I am up for the challenge. I have learned several “life lessons” this weekend that I want to take into my daily life… I won’t waste time “preaching” here because the lessons I learned this weekend were meant for me and for this time. However, these lessons created “shifts” in my attitude and lifestyle that I want to take forward. I will, however, share my general intentions going forward… and hopefully, those around me (who love me) will support me and hold me accountable to these.

I am listing my intentions as “I will’s” because as Yoda would say, “Do, or do not. There is no try.” : )

* I will start each morning in gratitude… Thanking my God for another day, even if it is just two simple words, “Thank you.”

* I will use solitude and meditation to re-orient myself each day. I will set aside a specific time which will require some boundaries in how “available” I am. I will remind myself that this is okay… I know this time helps me to be a better “me” when I am available.

* I know my strengths, and I know how I respond to stress. I will use this knowledge to stay in tune with what is driving my actions… If I find myself doing things in order to “hustle” for my worthiness or to gain the acceptance or approval of others, then I know I off-base. I will know I am acting on my real purpose when I have a sense of inner peace and joy.

* I will continue this practice of retreat and not let it fall by the wayside again. It is a vital element to ensure that I am living a joyful, inspired life… not a tired, ego-driven life.

* I will remember that I do not need to be in control… I will let go and let God.

Hopefully, you realize that this week’s blog is not just for people who are grieving. (Although I must say, it makes a world of difference in my own journey when I stay connected and remember to live my life according to my authentic and true purpose.) When we unplug and reconnect with ourselves, the time spent in retreat can change our lives.

This time reminds us that we are each divine creatures of God – worthy and valuable… We don’t need to look to anyone else to confirm that.

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Feeling abandoned

Abandoned: having been deserted or cast off… me…

From the beginning, grief has been a journey of many emotions… some conflicting, (which has left me feeling a bit crazy at times). But throughout these 2.5 years, “abandoned” has been my prevalent, on-going emotion. I have felt it since day one and still feel it to this day. Abandoned by Bruce… abandoned by God… abandoned by others… alone.

For those who are just starting on this journey and for those who have never been here, the emotions are strong; the emotions are real… but emotions have nothing to do with logic. To give you an idea, here is my journal entry two weeks after Bruce died:

January 27
Still here… still alone. I can’t help but feel that even God has abandoned me. I know – that makes me horrible, doesn’t it? But how could he give me 23 years with a man that hated me (and still does) but only 8 years with a man that loved me so completely? Someone told me that God allowed (or caused) the abuse with (my 1st husband) because of my sin. It hurt when it was said even though I didn’t believe it then. But now, I wonder…

God must not love me after all. But I don’t really understand… Out of everyone in the world, why can’t he love me?… Why can’t he forgive me, too?

Maybe I am wrong – maybe this is the grief talking. But I don’t understand… why Bruce? How can a God who loves me allow so much hurt? Why? Am I such a bad person?

This feels so wrong, so surreal. Life goes on around me, but I can’t seem to move. In order to move, I have to pretend that everything is fine and shove all the emotions down. I know people are uncomfortable with my grief, so I try really hard to hide it until I am alone. Then, I cry.

I go back to work tomorrow… that feels so scary. How do I do something so normal when my life has been thrown upside down? I feel like everyone who knows is watching me to see if I will fall apart. And for those who don’t know – I want to shout at them to stop… life needs to stop… because my life stopped when Bruce died. I want the whole world to stop for just one moment to honor him… to recognize that he is gone.

How do I ever feel happy – truly happy – again? I just want to crawl in a hole. It takes everything in me to get out of the bed. I can’t sleep… instead I lay there, imagining he is still there, too… still holding me…

There are a lot of thoughts and feelings that I don’t tell anyone. They won’t understand. They already spend so much energy trying to make me “not sad.” That doesn’t make me mad, but it doesn’t really work either. It just makes me want to be alone – to get inside my own head with my own thoughts. Then, I can imagine him still here. Oh my God, I need him so much!

I don’t think I can do this… it is too hard… too much is expected and all I want is to be with Bruce again – to love him and feel him next to me…
but that is something I can never have again… I am alone now.

That was 2.5 years ago… the feelings were so intense then. I can’t say they are gone now… they aren’t – they are still here… but the intensity is less. Some weeks are harder than others and some days are harder than others… this week has been both.

At work, things are changing quickly… many of my friends have moved on to new jobs. At home, my closest friends are planning to move within the year. On a rational level, I am so happy for all of them… Their lives are moving on as they should. However, on a personal level, I am faced with that overwhelming feeling of abandonment, once again.

This week I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when she says, “People come and go so quickly here.”

I hate these feelings. This week, I have found myself wanting to do what I always do – pull inside… hide or run away emotionally.

Instead, I am pushing myself to stay in the game. I am trying really hard to stay strong. The problem is – I don’t feel strong and there are very few people I trust enough to be honest about how I feel. I would give anything to have someone who loves me – who cares about me – to hold me… no words… Just take me in their arms, let me lay my head on their shoulder and cry.

But that isn’t going to happen… not today. So instead, I will smile and tell you I am fine…

They say it gets easier,
But it doesn’t.
The pain is still there,
Still strong, barely contained below the surface.
Waiting for that moment…
The moment when I am unprepared –
When I relax for a second.
And there it is, pouring out…
As tears slide down my cheeks;
And the pain is so great it is physically debilitating.
But I’m not allowed to show it.
No one wants to see it or hear it anymore.
I can only turn to myself for comfort.
There are no arms to hold me;
No gentle touch to wipe my tears.
No words of love or comfort.
Just my memories of us…
And the awful knowledge that
This is all too real.
~ Linda, Oct 12, 2014

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*
Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Here comes the sun

For most of this week I remained in the same sad mode I was in last week. That isn’t normal… Usually I shake it off after a day or so. I’m not sure why this melancholy mood stuck around… but it did.

It seems weird to me that after 2.5 years, I can still feel so sad… It is a sadness that goes all the way to my core. And sometimes, I am at a loss as to how to shake it.

This week I closed the door to my office to “deal with it”… But that didn’t work. So I opened my door to talk to the world and try to forget… but that didn’t work either. I wrote in my journal, worked in my garden, went to the beach, and played the piano – all in an effort to get it out… but nope – nothing.

It’s been too long to still think anyone wants to listen to me cry. So instead, I tried telling jokes or listening to everyone else’s issues and stories. This week, I celebrated birthdays and new jobs and listened to bad days and arguments… but still this grief and sadness continued.

My kids just happened to be calling more this week. (I guess God put it a bug in their ear on my behalf.) To be honest, they have been my biggest blessing… especially this week. One of my neighbors noticed that my house was staying closed up and came on over to sit with me a while… she, too, has blessed my week more than she will ever know.

I posted on my personal Face Book page that I felt lost… I did. I wasn’t depressed. I was sad… I’m still grieving – There’s a huge difference in my book. Some people get it… others want to fix it. They all mean well, but I’m not broken, so I can’t be fixed. This is a journey, and sometimes I am just looking for some extra support when I am struggling.

Some days I ask God to help me… other days I am mad at him all over again. Is this normal? I don’t know… probably. Who knows what is “normal” when it comes to grief.

The hard part for me is that I don’t have anyone I am particularly close to that has lost a spouse. My parents and Bruce’s parents are both still here. My sister and Bruce’s sisters are still happily married. None of my closest friends or my coach have ever lost a spouse. So many times I find myself wishing my grandmothers were still alive so I could talk to them. They would have some good advice, I’m sure. As it is, I really don’t know who to ask what is normal… so I am lost… and I am very much alone.

I’ve read so many of the books, and there are some great ones out there. I’ve researched grief (because research is whatI do) and found a lot of good solid information. I did the support group thing… and found it wasn’t my thing. (I wasn’t real comfortable sharing my deepest feelings with a room full of strangers… that was a nightmare for me!)

Ultimately, I believe it comes down to this… time. Yep – time. And for anyone grieving the length of time will vary. For some people, it may be a few months; for others, it may take years. We’re all different. This week I discovered that according to research, the average time for a widow to feel strong and ready to move ahead is 12 – 14 years… and that’s an average! Wow! That speaks volumes to me.

What I know for sure is I need to just be patient with myself. I need to stop pushing myself – if I feel sad, then I feel sad. When I feel happy, then (yay) I feel happy. Go with it. Feel what I feel – one moment at a time… just be careful not to drop too low or drag anyone down with me.

Thursday night I stumbled across the video below. I’ve always loved this song and this particular rendition has touched my heart. Since Bruce died I’ve said that there is hope in divorce but not in death, but this song reminds me that there is always hope… as long as I believe in it.

http://jewishstandard.timesofisrael.com/israeli-duos-perfect-here-comes-the-sun/

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief